PART THE FIRST – IN WHICH I INTRODUCE MYSELF

Hello, my name is Chris, and I've decided to blog about my play through of FFXV. Those of you following me on GiantBomb will better know me as @lawgamer. According to my profile page, that’s a whopping twenty-one people. So twenty-one people know me as LawGamer. Presumably the rest of you are here because you got lost looking for the most recent BombCast.

People on this site are doubtlessly more familiar with @zombiepie. At least 84746 of you are. Which is a mere 4035 times more people than are familiar with me. Not that I’m jealous. And if you’re familiar with @zombiepie, then you’ve probably seen his blogs detailing his playthroughs of older Final Fantasy games.

I admit that I enjoy his blogs immensely. As a long time Final Fantasy aficionado, I’d like to say that’s for nice reasons. Something like “I enjoy his blogs because they help me reconnect with childhood memories of playing those games for the first time,” or some equally trite bullshit. But that would be a lie.

Instead, I enjoy his blogs for the same reason people enjoy shows like Jackass - it’s inherently funny to watch other people hurt themselves. Reading about his experience playing through FFVIII is like watching a blind man’s dog chase a tennis ball into a busy intersection or hearing a midget complain about being given short shrift. You shouldn’t laugh, but you also can’t help it.

All of which is to say, thank you @zombiepie for providing me with so much entertainment over the last year or so.

Also, fuck you, because what I'm about to do to myself is indirectly your fault. You monster.

PART THE SECOND – IN WHICH I DETAIL MY FINAL FANTASY EXPERIENCE

Let’s be absolutely clear here – I’m not @zombiepie. Final Fantasy 15 will not be my first Final Fantasy game - far from it in fact. I first got into Final Fantasy when I was eleven by playing FFIV. My parents had left for the weekend on vacation and had left me with $50. I was supposed to use that money to feed myself while they were gone.

I decided to bike eight miles to the nearest FunCoLand and buy a videogame instead.

At the time, FFVI was on the cover of Nintendo Power (remember that?), which at that age was all the recommendation I needed. So I biked all the way over to the store on a three gear, grip-shift mountain bike (uphill most of the way), a trip that included crossing an uncontrolled freeway intersection, only to find that the store didn’t even have a copy of FFVI. They did, however, have a copy of FFIV, so I settled for that.

So I biked all the way back home on a three gear, grip-shift mountain bike, with a second trip across the uncontrolled freeway intersection (again uphill most of the way, ‘ya damn kids!), only now with a copy of a video game hanging from my handlebars in an overlarge plastic bag that was constantly getting caught in my spokes.

Despite the dangers I made it home, plugged in the game, and was immediately hooked. I'm still not sure what did it. It might have been a time and place thing. Although Final Fantasy IV hewed pretty closely to fantasy genre stereotypes, I was at an age where that would have seemed like something super high-brow, particularly in comparison to the Marios and Zeldas I was used to playing. Maybe it was because it was my first JRPG and it was completely different than anything I'd ever played before. Who knows.

Whatever the reason, since then I have played every mainline Final Fantasy game. Some of them I have liked, some of them I have liked less. Recently, I've found myself drifting away from the series. Part of that is the interminable development cycle of FFXV. Even the most ardent fan gets tired of waiting after 10 years. Another part of that is that the recent direction of the series has been . . . less than positive in my opinion. Final Fantasy XIII was the first entry I didn't finish. That, combined with the long and fraught development cycle of this most recent entry has caused a certain dip in my confidence.

So why do I have high hopes for FFXV? Well, it’s because of my pattern of liking every other mainline Final Fantasy game since VII. I loved VII, hated VIII. Liked IX, loathed X. I think XII is the greatest game in the series and think the people responsible for XIII should be lined up against a wall and shot. Therefore, if there’s anything to my theory, I should like FFXV.

Or maybe I’m just desperate. It’s been, let’s see . . . March 2006 . . . carry the 1 . . . over ten and a half years since the last Final Fantasy entry I thought was worth a damn. To put that into context, I hadn’t even graduated college yet. Since then I’ve gotten a first job, been laid off, gone to law school, passed the bar in two states, gotten a new job, and descended (or evolved?), from a bright-eyed and idealistic pup who thought anything was possible to the jaded asshole I am today.

So here’s to hoping.

PART THE THIRD – IN WHICH I LAY DOWN THE GROUND RULES

Before I get started, I also need to set some ground rules for how I plan on going through the game. And I’ll tell you in advance that because they’re my rules, I also reserve the right to shamelessly break any of them at any time and then pretend like I never made the rule in the first place.

Rule 1: No Out of Game Content

I plan on going into FFXV blind. This means that I have not watched Kingsglaive or the Brotherhood anime or any other pre-release content. I have no plans to do so, at least during the course of my playthrough.

Now, I can already hear some of you saying “but it’s essential to the story!” That may very well be true, but that’s also the point. It’s incumbent upon the game, standing alone, to be intelligible and engaging to the player. If the game can’t tell its story coherently without additional out-of-game content, then that’s the game’s fault, not the players.

Also, I can only stomach so much anime.

According to the Day 1 patch notes, part of the patch is adding in additional scenes from some of this extra content into the actual game so that the story is more intelligible. Call me crazy, but it generally isn’t a good sign when the Day 1 Patch needs to add scenes to the game so that the story is coherent.

Given that Final Fantasy stories frequently trend heavily towards unintelligible anyway, let’s just say I don’t have high expectations on the story front.

Rule 2: No Guides

As I said previously, I plan on going into FFXV blind. Unlike @zombiepie, I will not have the benefit of a “sherpa” like @thatpinguino to help me get through the game in the most efficient manner. I will also not be using any strategy guides or online resources to help me power through things.

There are a couple of reasons for this approach. First, FFXV is brand spanking new. That means unlike the older re-released titles that you can get for a song on Steam, FFXV costs $60 bucks (plus tax) so I’m not eager to drop another $15-20 on the Prima Strategy Guide, especially for a game that I will likely play through, at most, once.

The second reason relates back to Rule 1. Games should explain their core mechanics to the player well enough to get through without resorting to a guide. Same goes for most of the side-content. While it’s fine to have a few really well hidden secrets and side-quests available for dedicated players, most of that stuff should be signposted well enough so that the average joe can find it. Not using a guide is a good way to test whether the game has done a good job with this.

Admittedly, this has been a problem for Final Fantasy in the past. Just ask @zombiepie about the card refining system in FFVIII, or a fan of FFXII about the “Forbidden Chests.”

Rule 3 – I'll Try to Do the Side-quests, If I Can Find Them

I plan on making a good-faith effort to engage in any side-quests I come across, like monster hunts or optional dungeons. In this context, “good-faith effort” means “until I get bored with it.” Just like how it’s the game’s responsibility to tell its story well, it’s also the game’s responsibility to make it’s content enjoyable and worth doing.

Obviously, because I’m not using a guide, I might miss some of the side-content, or fail to figure out the obscure set of circumstances to make a side-quest advance after I have started it. Given how Final Fantasy has traditionally worked, this also means that I might miss out on some things like ultimate weapons or additional cut-scenes.

Rule 4 – There Is No Set Schedule For This

Look, I’m not in college anymore. I don’t have unlimited time to play videogames. I’ve got a 9-5 job (or a 7-4 job as the case may be), after which I need to hit the gym. The holidays are fast approaching, which means that I’ll soon be taking a trip to family hell. I’m also not the most . . . dedicated person when it comes to keeping up with side-projects like this. I mean, I finish them. Just not always on a regular or timely schedule.

OK? Everyone understand? Good.

Let’s fucking do this!

PART THE FOURTH – IN WHICH I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED AND AM ALREADY COMPLAINING ABOUT THINGS

Upon booting up the game, the player is presented with a large splash screen dramatically declaring that this is “A Final Fantasy for Fans and First-Timers.” Personally, I think this is kind of an odd statement. It manages to simultaneously include most gamers while leaving out a few key groups of people.

If you’re a fan of Final Fantasy, then congratulations! This game is for you. If this is your first Final Fantasy game, then congratulations! This game is also for you. Presumably if you aren’t a Final Fantasy fan, then you didn’t buy the game so you aren’t seeing the message.

But what about someone who likes Final Fantasy but wouldn’t go so far as to call themselves a fan? In other words, what about me? Personally, I’d describe myself as more of a “lapsed Final Fantasy fan” in that I used to like the series but have kind of fallen out of love with it. Is this game for me? I’m not a first timer, but I’m also not really a “fan” in the classic sense. The message certainly seems to imply its not for me and that I should just turn it off. Well, fuck you too, Final Fantasy XV!

Secondly, I’m not fond of the title music. It doesn’t really have any kind of set melody or rhythm to it. In short, it doesn’t make me feel anything. In fact, it almost seems like a placeholder – like the game director told the composer “make something in the sad piano genre” and that’s as far as the idea got. Stylistically, I’d say it’s closest to FFX’s title music. And that’s not a good thing in my book. I hate FFX.

Those quibbles aside, it’s time to actually start playing, and the game immediately asks you if you want to play through the tutorial. Given that I haven’t played Final Fantasy in a while and the combat system is pretty different from prior entries, I say “yes.”

Turns out there are actually two tutorials here. One is for the actual gameplay while the other is for the story. Think about that for a second. There is a tutorial for the story. What does that say? How complicated does the damn narrative need to get that you have to have a story tutorial?

Unfortunately, once you select the story tutorial option, it turns out to be much less impressive than it sounds. All it involves is you walking up to a set of tapestries and pressing “x.” You don’t even get a cutscene or anything, just a series of textboxes. Despite this disappointment, the highlights to take away from this:

• The world is called Eos, which is currently divided between the Empire of Niflheim (evil) and the Kingdom of Lucis (not evil). These nations are at war. Niflheim is winning to the extent that they have occupied everything except the Lucian capital city of Insomnia.

• Insomnia is protected by the power of the Crystal, which is channeled by the monarchs of Lucis via a ring called the Ring of Lucis. This power is used to create a barrier called The Wall, which keeps the Empire out. The price is draining the life force of the King.

• There are six “gods” who are currently slumbering, awaiting the time until they need to fight something called the “Starscourge.” A woman called the Oracle is responsible for communicating between humanity and these gods. She travels around the land healing people and doing good works.

• There are creatures called Daemons that come out at night. Recently, the Daemons are increasing in numbers and the nights are getting longer. Scientists are baffled by this phenomena.

Having gotten through this I . . . don’t really see the point. Not only is all of it pretty much the standard Final Fantasy fare of Evil Empire + Crystals + Ancient Evil, all of it seems like stuff that would have been quite easily to work into the main plot with a few lines of dialogue. I fail to see why any of this is so important that it requires its own specifically loaded “tutorial” to go over, particularly if it’s just reading text boxes.

Once I quit out of the rather useless story tutorial, I play through the actual combat tutorials. I’ll admit, the game throws a lot at you. You have your basic attack chain, which you initiate by pressing circle. Then you have a dodge move you activate by holding square. This automatically dodges attacks at the cost of MP. You need to be somewhat careful, because if you run out of MP, then you enter “Stasis” which prevents you from warping or dodging until you recover.

On top of all of that, there are link strikes, which you activate by striking enemies with your bros around. You can also scoot out of combat to “warp-points,” which typically get you somewhere high up and will fully recover your MP. Like I said, it’s a lot to take in at first. Additionally, whenever an enemy is winding up for a big attack, you get a prompt on the screen saying “Block.” If you successfully do that, you get a second prompt to “Parry.” A successful parry does a lot of damage to the opponent and may trigger a links-strike. That all sounds well and good, but I do have one very massive problem with that system:

Block and parry are the same goddamn thing. Look, I fenced in college. I know about this stuff. Although this is probably a small thing to most people, I can tell you from experience this is exactly the kind of thing that is going to bug me every time I see it. Which given how much of it I will probably do in the game is not a good thing. On the plus side, this will be the first Final Fantasy game that allows you to combat enemies with the Power of Tautology.

All kidding aside, the combat seems considerably more active than anything Final Fantasy has attempted to do in the past. This might be cool, or it might be horrible. Based on the number of things the tutorial is trying to go over, I’m sure it’ll take me a very long time to come to grips with the system'a ins and outs.

PART THE FIFTH - IN WHICH I START THE GAME AND KEEP ON COMPLAINING

Once you actually decide to start the game, you begin with a scene that pans around to the main character, Noctis. The location he is in is dark, and looks like it’s on fire. In the distance there is a big flaming dude sitting on a throne that appears to be made of bones. He looks bored. Kind of like me at this point.

As potentially interesting as this setup is, it does have a very fatal flaw: it’s one of those “push forward on the stick to Story” gameplay sections where you don’t actually do anything except move forward and get a cutscene. You then push forward on the stick a little bit more and getting another cutscene. Personally, I find these kinds of sections entirely odious because they are so pointless. It’s supposed to be making the player feel “engaged,” but fundamentally you aren’t doing anything meaningful. There is absolutely zero difference between this and merely showing the entire section as a cutscene.

Also, I will mention that Noctis is sporting a truly terrible beard. It’s one of those scraggly hipster numbers that exists in the uncomfortable space between “intentional facial hair” and “I don’t care if I look like a street bum.” Seriously, if that’s the best you can do dude, don’t even bother.

Anyway, this scene primarily serves to introduce us to our protagonists. Who are:

Character	Notable Characteristics
Noctis Lucis Caelum
Prompto Agentum
Ignis Scientia
Gladiolus Amicitia

These are stupid names. In fact they aren’t names. Bob and Susan are names. These are just a bunch of Latin words stuck together. In fact, if you put them through Google Translate, you get the following:

Light the Night Sky

Ready Money

Fire Science

Little Sword Friendship

It’s bad enough that western Final Fantasy fans have been subjected to years of bad Engrish translations. Now we’re being subjected to a bad Ratin translation as well. Clearly what happened is that the devs couldn’t think of names so they just stuck a bunch of character traits together and then turned it into Latin so that it would sound fancy. It would be like if I called myself Dicaces Legis Venatus rather than “Chris.”

All kidding aside, these names have a very practical problem. Because names of this sort are . . . uncommon, if every character in the game has a name like this, it’s going to be very hard to remember anyone’s name.

Anyway, once the game has verified that you are capable of pushing forward on the stick, the scene zooms out and fades to white, and a dramatic splash screen appears announcing we are going back in time to “before the fall.” Which leads to me make my first prediction, and not a very bold one: things are eventually going to go to shit and we’re going to end up in a FFVI-style World of Ruin situation.

This scene over, the game now shifts into full CG movie mode. We are shown the city of Insomnia and are quickly taken to the throne room, where the King Regis Caelum Fakieia Latina CXIII is directing his son and retinue of bros to leave the city. Based on character appearances, this is set some considerable amount of time before the prior fight scene. Apparently, Noctis is getting married as part of a treaty to end the war between Lucis and Niflheim. The King is very formal, while in keeping with Final Fantasy tradition, Noctis is a teenage asshole, which leads to me to believe the two don’t have the greatest of relationships.

Having blown off the ceremony of the throne room, the party moves outside toward a waiting car, but the King follows them outside in an attempt to see Noctis off in a more . . . fatherly fashion. It’s apparent that the King wants to tell Noctis Important Things About Being a Man, but Noctis is being too much of an arrogant asshole to listen. So with a final “Walk tall, my son,” we’re off.

We then move from CG land to more standard faire that zooms in on a dusty road. It appears that the car has broken down and the party is currently trying to push it towards the nearest service station. The game is already struggling with its story logic. Let’s recap here: (1) Noctis is a prince, (2) he is on his way to a royal wedding and (3) this wedding is part of a treaty ending a major war.

Given that, how does it make sense that his entire escort consists of three dudes, whose sole apparent qualification for the job is that they are Noctis’ best friends? Shouldn’t there be, I don’t know, a military honor guard or something to make sure he reaches his destination safely? And for that matter, shouldn’t his car have been serviced before he left so there were no major breakdowns on the way? And shouldn’t he be able to simply call another freaking car when this one breaks down? We’re five minutes into the game and already the game can't be bothered with basic questions.

I’d also like to point out that this is a different car than the one shown in the prior cutscene.

Anyway, this scene consists solely of some light banter and of you needing to hold R2 to push the car. To top it all off a cover of Stand By Me starts playing as a late title card comes up. Yes, you read that correctly. No, that was not a joke.

Instead of the Final Fantasy Theme, or some epic swelling music signaling the start of your journey, you get Stand By Me. I feel like I wandered into a Kojima game by accident. It's just so . . . bizarre. Even by Final Fantasy standards this is bizarre. It's so strange I don't even have the words. Instead, I think I need Jeff to sum up my feelings at this point.

PART THE SIXTH - IN WHICH I TRY TO SAY SOMETHING NICE AND SIGN OFF FOR NEXT TIME

It probably sounds at this point like I'm just trying to dump on the game. And to a certain extent . . . yeah, that's true. But here’s the thing – despite of, or maybe because of its weirdness and illogical nature, I actually really like the introductory scene where the guys are pushing the car. It does a nice job of quickly establishing (a) that this is a group of good friends, (b) giving you a sense of scope about the world and (c) providing a starting point for the story to begin.

The banter between the characters feels genuine and the idea of pushing a broken down car is a funny way of subverting the expectations of the genre. You're supposed to start these games by doing something epic, not doing something mundane like fixing a car. Even the player needing to "hold R2 to push," something that would normally piss me off as useless fluff, is used intelligently as a way of getting the player to feel involved with the "work" of pushing a wreck down a country highway. Even the music choice feeds into the idea that this is just a group of best friends on a big road trip adventure.

So my problem is most definitely not this scene. Had the game just started with the party on the side of the road trying to get the car moving, I think it would have been a really strong opening. No, my problem is everything that came before this scene. Like many Final Fantasy games in the past, this game is struggling to pick a tone and stick with it. The first scene was attempting to be dark and post-apocalyptic. Then the second scene is attempting to be a family drama. Then the final scene is setting up a heartwarming buddy-comedy.

The thing is, had the game picked any one of those and stuck with it, it could have been the basis for a really good opening. As it is, my head has been twisted in so many directions by tonal whiplash that I'm starting to look like that girl from The Exorcist. At least the final bit with the car gives me some hope that there is a writer or two on the staff who has some idea of what they are doing.

And with that, I think I'll bring this first episode to a close. Yes, I realize I haven't actually played very much of the game yet. And maybe this wasn't the most thrilling discussion. But this took me . . . somewhat longer to write and format than I was anticipating and I'm kind of tired now. Plus, this seems like a good break point.

Look. How about we say that if you promise to come back, I promise to start the next entry with generous shots of cleavage. That work for everyone? Yes? Good. See you next time.