By RafaelMei 5 Comments
When I first got the news I couldn't really believe it.
I was actually on the bathroom, using my phone to check my twitter and I saw Alex's tweet regarding Ryan's death. I was shocked. I was not alone in the house so it was all I could do not to scream out of my lungs, I just kept uttering the word "No" over and over, as the grief came upon me, denial was setting in.
I actually couldn't believe Ryan was gone. It was such an alien thought, such an absurdity that my mind refused to accept it. I think that, at the same time I feel so close to the Giant Bomb crew - from spending so much with them - that I actually consider them my "friends", it was this sort of an "ethereal" relationship. It felt like they were immortal, a constant.
And, in a way, they have been. So much has changed in my life since I started following Giant Bomb, but they were always the same, always a constant. I went through some rough emotional times and the fact that they were always there to make me laugh, forget a little about the things that were troubling me, was so meaningful to me. I always had somewhere to run away to.
I don't think I actually got to the anger stage, I kinda jumped directly to depression. I usually have a lot of trouble crying, but I cried so many times today. The funny thing is that those tears gave place to smiles, laughter and back to tears again. Today I truly had an emotional rollercoaster. Going from seeing everyone else reacting so strongly to this - Jeff's tweet about the situation (link) and Johnny V's last picture with Ryan were specially powerful to me (link) - and, at the same time, reminiscing some of Ryan's greatest moments has been a very wild ride.
It feels weird. Crying over the death of someone you've never exchanged a word in your life. I guess this is the toughest part of it, there is no one "in the real world" to share this pain with. No one that will understand how fucking shitty and sad I feel right now. The community response though is amazing to watch. Not only here on the site but all over the internet, it's beautiful to see how fondly everyone remembers Ryan and how sorely he'll be missed.
In the end, I'm grateful for the whole Giant Bomb crew, for what they do, for the countless hours of entertainment, joy and laughter they've brought to me over the years. I fear for the future, now that my constant has been so hardly shaken, but I love you guys, and I hope to watch/listen you for a long long time. I'll keep this hanging on my room for a while.
Good bye, Mr. Davis. It's been one hell of a ride.