I never expected to be diagnosed with cancer. At least, maybe not until I was an old man, when those things become more expected. But alas, at 27 years old, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Unfortunately, that diagnosis usually only comes after surgery to remove the affected testicle. So, in the span of a week, I had major surgery, followed by the news that I indeed did have testicular cancer.
Nobody ever wants to be diagnosed with cancer, but at least for me, it meant I got to spend more time with my family than usual. The day I heard the news about my diagnosis, it was good to have people who cared for me around. They helped me by asking the doctor questions that seemed to escape my mind before I could ask them. They helped me do tasks that required more mobility than I was able to give. They provided assurances of love and care, regardless of what happens next.
I'm thankful for how my family were able to care for me through the initial week and a half from surgery to diagnosis, but there came a moment when processing everything that had happened sent my brain into overload. Keeping a level head felt difficult, and I felt like any illusion of control over my life was spiraling away. The part of my brain that makes words come out in an orderly fashion decided to take a vacation, and I was left feeling a bit helpless. I needed to process, but I felt like I showed up to play football without any pads on. Against the NFL. The whole entire NFL.
In that moment, I decided to start up Stardew Valley. For those unfamiliar, Stardew Valley is a farming simulator, with light RPG elements. Developed by Concerned Ape, it was one of my favorite games released in 2016. I immediately felt comforted by elements of the game that, until that day, I had taken for granted. Everything in the game happens in days starting from 6:00am until 2:00am, which means it takes some strategizing and organization in order to maximize productivity in each day. For example, this could mean knowing that by 11:00am, you need to have all of your crops watered, animals fed, and items stored, so that you can go into town to meet one of the many other residents in order to continue building a relationship with them. Then, that leaves some time to buy more seeds in the local produce store (absolutely NOT the giant-corporation owned Joja Mart), process a geode discovered in the local mine at the blacksmith's shop, or to spend some time fishing down at the beach. Once it gets later in the evening, you could visit the local tavern and buy everyone a round, or do some last-minute landscaping around your farm's property before the last of your energy is spent for the day. Adhering to the structure of organizing and executing activities in a productive way allowed me to feel a sense of control that I was missing in real life.
The music of Stardew Valley is quite charming, living in a space between retro-game devotion and modern sensibilities. The sound and tone of the music changes with each season within the game, each change seeking to capture the feeling of spring, summer, fall, and winter within a few different songs. I had always enjoyed the music while playing the game, but in this particular instance, the music felt deeply comforting, reaching a part of myself in a way that only music can. I picked up on melancholic tones that made me feel relieved, as if the music was reaching out to give me a hug, and tell me that life would be okay. While this may sound dramatic when speaking about a video game soundtrack, it is a testament to the artistry of the music that it could speak to me in such a way.
As I mentioned earlier, you can also go from your farm into the town in a short walk's time, and interact with other residents who have their own schedules to follow. Most of the relationship building in Stardew Valley is superficial at best - giving a gift that someone really likes and talking to them every day can quickly make them like you more. If there is a way to make people dislike you, I haven't found it yet. While this doesn't make for a very complex system, it does serve to make the player feel welcomed. Every conversation with the other residents of Stardew Valley isn't necessarily always sunny and positive, but there is a general feeling of warmth from most of the other people who inhabit the town. Usually, I had been seeing the other characters in the town as another stat to build, as more meters to fill up. This time, they represented a departure from what usually happens with other characters in a video game: they weren't creating conflict with me, and they weren't being used as parts and pieces of a conflict presented for me to overcome. I recognized the relief that the simplicity of the relationship system brought me in that moment, that I didn't have to experience an ounce of stress when interacting with the other characters in the game.
Suddenly, Stardew Valley was becoming more than a refreshing indie-game that hooked me with the progression of building both a farm and relationships with other characters. More so, it became an immediate source of self care that helped to calm me down and give me back a sense of control over what was happening in my life. Amidst the chaos and uncertainty that comes with a cancer diagnosis, it helped to keep my spirits on track, and helped my brain to stay away from hanging out with worry and fear for too long. I was able to escape from my anxieties for just long enough, so that way I could enjoy hanging out with my family again without feeling like a complete nervous wreck. When I thought I was building a farm, the game was building me up, bringing me back into a better, more positive place.
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