Glory to all! The greatest game that should never have been is finally upon us. That's right, Super Drake Tracker 2000 EX, your premium Drake tracking and diet coke forwarding service is finally available for download FOR FREE. Get it on you nearest Apple phone, tablet, and Ouya (sorry, OUYA) today! (Not Android yet as my associates now inform me. I apologize for any inconvenience.)

Filter the data by airline, airport, and plane model and watch as the data draws in REAL TIME. How many mrems of radiation did John Drake intake into his genitals on his recent trip to the San Diego Comic-Con? 8! How many calories would John Drake have burned if he had danced during the entire duration of his Asia trip while flying? 15384! And to think this incredible resource of information was unavailable before today.

But that's not all. Feel what it's like to truly be John Drake and immerse yourself in his inner thoughts. Play Drakes on a Plane mode and sit on a random, eerily empty flight cabin, in REAL TIME, and stave him from the plight of insanity. The time keeps ticking but accidentally think about kids on a plane or Just Dance and hear him groan like a truly experienced disgruntled air traveler. Don't lose track of Diet Coke, Portillo's, and firing people for too long or otherwise Drake will go insane and forced off the one activity he loves most: flying on an airplane.

How else can you help John Drake's frayed mind? Why you can buy him the one source of sustenance that allows him to dance and occasionally sell video games: Diet Coke. Through the magic of the internet and this wonderful app, you can purchase John T. Drake one Diet Coke for the low price of $0.99! That's right, for the price of an entire game on your smart phone you can help feed the habit!

There's all that and more (bonus Alan Alda!) when you download Super Drake Tracker 2000 EX! Track his travels, feed his needs, and enrich your life today.

Hopefully he doesn't turnout to be a rapist..

Honestly, if I knew for a FACT that my $.99 would actually buy John Drake a Diet Coke I would spend $10 this second.

Tell me more about bonus Alan Alda.

@bribo said:

I'm glad you asked because in addition to all these great features there is also the death defying Drake vs. Drake (local multiplayer card game)! Choose from 3 Drakes (classic Drake, pirate Drake, and '80s Drake) and Alan Alda to compete in choosing which item on a card listing flight number data you think is higher than the rest. Then there are fart noises for all the ones that lose.

I'm not making this up!

It's on android? I couldn't find it earlier.

@bacongames:

You get a fart noise if you lose? But that's like not losing at all!

So, you've got pirate Drake and 80's Drake; how do you decide which Drake wears a pirate shirt?

Not yet, they're still working some stuff out with the Android build. They're hoping for sometime in August, according to the latest update. I hope it's soon because it won't run on either my iPod or iPad and I backed this silliness!

I can assure you for a FACT that all money that comes in from IAP is only spent on Diet Cokes for John Drake.

Can't get the damn thing to run on my iPod :(

@bribo: The simple fact that one gets an eyepatch and the other does not. It's in the portrait!

Eyepatches are pretty 80's.

I'm starting to suspect that this product is not as historically researched as I might have hoped, but you had me at "bonus Alan Alda".

This is still really stupid in a good way. By the way, isn't this getting Oculus Rift support at some point?

Do I get to watch him drink them?

@bribo said:

Admittedly I'm proud of bonus Alan Alda but this really tells me I need to work on my salesmanship.

As far as I know it does not work on 4th gen ipods.

@ninetysevena: well, that's a bummer...guess i'll have to upgrade soon.

Yep , I loaded it up here on the iphone and enjoyed the flight!