PART 1
After my first blog on dynamic themes, and the subsequent conversations it sparked, I’ve spent quite a bit of time thinking about themes. Why doesn’t every single fighting game stage get turned into a dynamic theme? Why does something so useless cost so much money? Who else is stupid enough to purchase these things? Unfortunately, thinking about themes this much inevitably leads to the purchasing of more themes. I’m $50 deeper into this nauseating endeavor, and I really don’t have much more to show for it. I can, however, confirm that all the Aqua Kitty themes are as awesome as is Mouldy Depths. Check them out here, here, here, and here. The game is pretty good, too.
Now, without further ado...
Hohokum Dynamic Theme
*applies stoner voice filter*
That little bass flurry feels nice, doesn't it? You find those chimes soothing, do you not? It's almost like that percussive pitter-patter makes you think that your head is all busy with thought, but in reality you don't have a damn thing on your mind, right? Man, sometimes I just want to sit back and relax, and the Hohokum dynamic theme is just the right one to do it with. The music gives you the sensation that you're melting into your chair and nodding off, but you're totally awake at the same time. The art is pretty sweet with some laid back gibbons just kind of hanging from vines. They got pink eyes though, so I guess they could be albino siamangs or something instead. Anyway, pop up to that function list area and you'll just see some telescoping trees sway in the wind. Everything is pretty alright until this freaky gharial-mouthed pachyderm comes sauntering into view. He's carrying some uptight-looking dudes on his back, and they got one of those gibbon guys locked up in a cage. It ain't right, man! The whole bourgeois scene kind of harshes my mellow. I'm going back down to hang out with those cool albino dudes again.
Spoonman Approved
Flaming Skull Dynamic Theme 2
Crummy flaming skulls have plagued the PS store since the inception of themes. They usually consist of an amateur-grade 3D skull with a translucent fire GIF overlaid on top of it. This isn't one of those. This theme plays ripping metal music that's better than it has any right to be. Your icons are replaced by horned skulls, coffins, gravestones and a...walkman? At the center of it all is some sweet Megadeth album artwork come to life. Flames have engulfed the skull of this demonic beast and its jaw quivers in agonizing pain. It's got fangs and a popped-up collar, so it's probably an 80's vampire that super deserves it. To 14-year old Spoonman, this is the definitive best theme ever created. To today's Spoonman, this is simply the best possible choice for any PS4 user that wants to metal-out their console experience.
Spoonman Approved
Money In Fire Dynamic Theme
Speaking of fire GIFs, check out this theme. I chose this one because I assumed a pile of burning money would hold a special appeal to the Giant Bomb faithful. Unfortunately, this one disappoints. It's a picture of money, and there's a video loop of fire over it. That's it. You won't see the bills start to crisp up and curl. You won't hear the comforting crackle of a very expensive camp fire. Both icons and audio cues are completely stock. They did at least take the time to change to settings menu background to orange. Still lame.
Spoonman Approval Denied
Undersea Voyage Dynamic Theme
Let's continue the shit-sandwich approach to theme reviews! Prominently featured in the preview image for this theme are those cool glimmering patterns caused by light refracting through water before reaching the surface below. I thought that could probably look cool, so why not try it? Because it's awful, that's why. While it does have those cool glimmering thingies, the surface they're visible on is the flattest possible texture, and one that doesn't even simulate the bottom of the sea. In fact, it is pretty clearly a desiccated sea- or lake-bed. Further emphasizing that this texture is of a desert environment is the fact that THE FUCKING PYRAMID OF KHAFRE IS IN THE BACKGROUND! You know, the one in Egypt, with all the deserts. Why is it on the bottom of the ocean? Who put it there? I've developed a scenario in my mind in which somebody found this old Egyptian tourism promotional art from the 90's and thought it would be a great idea to slap a watery haze over it and sell it on PSN. It wasn't a great idea. Of course there is a certain appeal to the absurdity of it, but you probably shouldn't buy this anyway.
Spoonman Approval Denied(?)
Q*BERT REBOOTED Dynamic PS4 Theme
This is another mellow theme with low-key music. The menu makes Q*Bert noises that sound like pulling your boot out of ankle-high mud. It takes place in space, which automatically adds 10 points, and features Q*Bert jumping around, playing 3D Q*Bert. The aspect of this theme that makes me like it is the camera motion. Rather than have things move around on screen, this theme creates the illusion that the camera is moving. As Q*Bert jumps between planes of gravity, the camera swings around to follow him. I don't think I've seen another theme do anything quite like this. There is a major downside to this theme though. It has the unfortunate distinction of being an official tie-in for the Pixels: The Movie movie. I enjoy this theme's innovation and general quality, but I just can't bring myself to stare at the title of an Adam Sandler film for any length of time. If you don't suffer from such an affliction, this theme might be what you're looking for.
Spoonman Begrudgingly Approved
LittleBigPlanet 3 Theme
When Sony first introduced dynamic themes, they did so with one based on LittleBigPlanet. It makes perfect sense--the craftsy, fabric-ey world of LittleBigPlanet is the ideal setting for diorama-esque dynamic themes. I filled many a shoe box with sackboy-like creations when I was a young lad. I can happily report that the LittlBigPlanet 3 theme continues the series lineage of high-quality themes. When you turn this theme on the icons are changed to images that look like stickers from the game. The background could easily be a piece of a level taken from the game, with characters like Sackboy, Toggle, and the others running around the environment. Colors are vibrant and the polygonal models are nice and sharp. There are clockwork tea pots and clouds hung from strings. All the franchise’s charm is in play here. It’s unfortunate that the theme creators chose to go with natural wind and bird chirps in lieu of music. I’d love to hear the LittleBigPlanet “baba-dop-boo-booo baba-dop-boo-boo-booo” tune, but am left wanting. Still a great theme.
Spoonman Approved
Ok, that wraps up another pack of themes. I have quite a few more to go through and I think the next blog (what am I promising here?) will feature some of the Playstation Store’s nature-themed themes. See you next time.
P.S. Really, just donate the money to charity instead.
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