My name is Ben. I like to Wander. I'm currently a Senior in high school and an aspiring indie game designer at work on a fun and hopefully meaningful debut project. I like strange games with crazily intense and rhythmically repetitive gameplay. The whole idea for me is to bash myself again and again with the jerky flow of emotion that can come from a good game because there is no better way to immerse oneself into the designer's world. So feel free to talk anytime if you can find me but be warned I like to hit people with whatever I'm focusing on at the moment.
Honestly that's the most generic blog title ever conceived....
I figured that I should just talk about what I've been up to because I haven't blogged in the past two days. It's actually been a wonderful past couple of days and in a lot of ways writing this blog is depressing because it means that it's over enough to sum it up. It's been an oddly bipolar weekend, one of immense nostalgia but also of looking to the future.
This weekend began for me on Thursday afternoon. My mom decided to surprise my dad with tickets to go see David Byrne in Cleveland, OH (which she bought so we could celebrate her birthday in a way that we would all enjoy). My mom had bought the tickets almost a month in advance so my brother and I had been keeping the concert a secret for a while. My dad being an unstable person refused to go because my mom had complained earlier about his blaring music because of a headache. My mom then almost decided that we wouldn't go. Luckily, my brother and I convinced her otherwise and we hit the road for Cleveland. On the way to the concert I listened to Public Enemy's album It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back and officially began to understand rap, which was an odd thing to occur before a punk/electronic concert. Anyway the concert was a lot of fun with a nice mix of David Byrne's solo stuff and Talking Heads material. I thought it was funny that a lot of people pulled out bongs during "Burning Down The House."
The entire day Friday was excellent. I woke up late and went in to school to catch Lunch, The Cellar (multimedia art class) and AP Physics. After that I stayed after school for Speech/Debate which is actually just hanging out at this point. Then I went home shortly and went to my last high school football game ever. It was also the last real Marching Band performance I will ever give for the entirety of my life. After the game was the annual band lock-in, another one of Senior year's lasts. It was a lot of fun. I brought my own TV so me and couple people played a lot of Rez and God Hand as well as Manhunt, Jet Set Radio: Future, and God of War. Other than that, we also played dodgeball and wandered around our school at night.
Saturday I began the day by sleeping until about 1 pm and then waking up to see my dad off at the airport. After that my friends and I had plans to hang out. First two of us went over to another person's house and then briefly visited the annual Speech/Debate party (which was really lame this year considering we made up 50% for the 10 minutes we were there). After that we just sat around and talked for a while. Eventually we came back to my house and played Siren and The Orange Box. Then we went to bed.
Now it's Sunday. Pretty much this blog is the only thing I've done today at this point. I have plans however to go to a Mock Trial meeting at 3 pm and I'm also going to work on my college essay for Georgia Tech. If I find time, I'm going to play God Hand and work on game development.
I became a gamer in 1996 (at the age of 6) immediately before moving away from my first conscious home in Martinsville, Virginia. Although my family had moved before, this was the first one I was aware of and the concept was entirely alien to me at the time. I realized I was leaving and going somewhere new but at such a young age I had no understanding that I would never again see any of the people I knew in Virginia or that I would be moving to a place that would have such a profound impact on my personality. It seemed like an adventure of no consequence and it was that lack of real-world perspective that set my childhood up to be destroyed at the outset of the move.
I remember the day that we were supposed to leave for Ohio. It was bright, cloudless day such that my memory of it seems as if it were run through a filter to amplify the yellows of my surroundings. I remember spending a lot of time wandering around the front yard as mom and dad worked at packing the car. Occasionally I would go get in the car, excited to get going, and play with toys. If I had been more aware I would have felt a sense of dread due to both the mortal reminder of permanently leaving a place as well as the growing tension of my parents. I can recall at least one instance in which a friend of my mother's and her son (a friend of mine) stopped by to say goodbye. I remember the mom saying to her son that we would stay in touch and be friends forever. Perhaps phrases such as that, yet to be tested at the timer, were why I had no perception of the reality of moving. A situation was building all around me but I was disconnected from reality, floating through a childish dream-world resting on my naive understanding of everything.
It was not until right before we were going to leave did I realize anything was going on. I was in the car waiting to go and playing with toys when dad and mom came out of the house, both walking quickly and arguing over something. Mom yelled at me to get in the car as dad chased her. She got in the car and dad ran to the other side and tried to get her purse. She yanked it free from his grasp and shut the door. We drove off with the trunk open and the suitcase fell out on the way up the hill and away from our neighborhood. Mom stopped to pick it up. Dad was not following us. I saw that mom was crying which was very unsettling. If an adult is going to do something so commonly associated with childhood, what could I depend on? Needless to say, we did not end up leaving Virginia that day or even the Martinsville area. Instead we stayed with my godparents for what I remember to be a week and a half. While we stayed with them, I remember seeking escapism at all costs. I bought a candy chemistry set to play with when we got to Ohio and my godsister and I spent a couple of days searching through couch cushions and other furniture for change to go to a local fair. I made every effort to remain a child but I remember how aware I was that my dad had done something wrong and somehow that knowledge cut through any hazy cloud of childhood that remained.
It was towards the end of this period of staying with my godparents that I was introduced to the world of video games. While still in Virginia, my mom decided it was an opportunity to visit my uncle one last time before leaving Virginia. I do not remember anything specific about the trip itself but I remember that my mom had a lot to talk about with my aunt and uncle which would have left my brother and I without anything to do if my uncle had not had a wonderful trick up his sleeve. He took us into the basement and showed us how to work a Sega Genesis that he had recently bought used (most likely from a yard sale). I was extremely excited to finally try out a real video game system and so my brother and I began to try out games. My uncle had Spider Man, Mortal Kombat, ToeJam & Earl and a few others that don't come to memory. My brother and I spent the day trying to figure out how to play the games and it certainly occupied the time that my mom needed and provided me with the escapism I was seeking. At the end of the visit I was surprised and ecstatic when my uncle told me we could take the Genesis, the games and the Game Genie he had for it. As of late I had not felt as much love for a relative as I did for my uncle. I was angry at my parents and worried about the future but it was my uncle who provided, through the Sega Genesis, a beacon of hope and something to help me through the coming months.
It was not until maybe two months after arriving in Ohio that I was able to really take advantage of the Genesis. For a brief period of time we lived in a rental house without enough space to have a playroom set up. Even if there had been room, we did not want to unpack in the rental house as it was only a temporary arrangement. Eventually, we moved into a permanent house and set up the Genesis in the basement. My brother and I began to play the system and quickly developed gaming literacy. We rented games and worked on ones that were given to us. We even began to buy used games from video stores and I recall getting JurassicPark for some holiday. Despite all of the game choices, one game consistently rose to the top. Perhaps it was due to the fact that the game was cooperative meaning my younger brother could play, or maybe it was the simplicity of the design and the cartoon aesthetic of the game but for whatever reason my brother and I obsessed over ToeJam & Earl. I remember that at first we played without any aim but once we became aware of the goal we slowly began to work towards achieving it. We spent hours playing the game trying our best to use strategy to make it through the levels. I remember the day that we learned giving the magician 1 buck resulted in a "Hallelujah" chorus and thought it was the most hilarious thing in existence and I remember our amazement at the enemies and the presents of the game. From the Chicken Brigade to the Shopping Cart Lady, the Cupid to the Slime Tornadoes we had a blast facing them all. What was it that was amazing about that game and why has it never been the same?
Looking back, I realize why that game was so special. It spoke to my situation and through the power of projection I worked my problems out and salvaged my sense of wonder. In the game, ToeJam & Earl crash their ship and suddenly their world has been shattered. They have to seek out ship parts in a foreign environment while facing its hostile inhabitants. When I started playing ToeJam & Earl, that's how I felt. My world had been turned upside down and suddenly I was wandering, lost in unfamiliar territory seeking a purpose. Just as in the game ToeJam & Earl, I slowly became aware of my purpose and for some time leisurely pursued my goals all while enjoying the journey as much as the end. That's the key to childhood, enjoying the present without worrying about the future, enjoying the search more than the prize. Just as in life, that element of ToeJam & Earl began to fade. As I've grown older I cannot play the game spontaneously. Like Ahab after Moby Dick I obsess over finding the ship pieces because purposelessness is a gift of childhood and childhood alone. Many would argue that they play games with spontaneity but even they know that is not true. As an adult or teenager, one seeks their purpose and can never quite go back to the carefree days of childhood. I miss the days when ToeJam & Earl provided me with an extension of childhood and I like to think that maybe the child in me still roams the levels of that game having fun without seeking meaning.
Today is my brother's birthday and with my own birthday being October 29th, we both got some birthday cash today. Specifically I got $195 and so my brother and I took a trip to our local GameStop (the one I may get to work for) to perhaps spend some of that cash. I ended up buying Red Dead Revolver and God of War, both used obviously and I also managed to reserve and fully pay for Fallout 3. My brother picked up Star Wars: The Force Unleashed which I've heard is good. Anyway there are a lot of other things I'm considering spending the rest of my cash on but as far as games go, I might buy Shadowrun or Streets of Rage 2 for the Sega Genesis and I was also considering The World Ends With You once it gets cheaper. Sorry this was a fairly basic and quick blog but I've got serious writer's block at the moment.
I had my first ever job interview today right after school and I'm relieved that it went well. The job is a temporary position as seasonal help at my local GameStop although the woman who interviewed me told me that the seasonal help are often able to move up to part-time jobs after the holiday season. The job pays minimum wage and I'd only get about 12 hours per week but the benefits are the employee discount and the ability to check games out from the store. Aside from that, I'd have access to used games before other people and I'm much more familiar with the environment and the product of the store than any other kind of store.
Anyway, I was pretty nervous throughout the school day because I had no idea what kind of questions were going to be asked. I brought clothes to change into for the interview as well (it was actually tough because my car doesn't have much space to change in). So I got to the store at my scheduled time (3 pm EST) and was told to look around while the interviewer finished up her current task. I was really nervous at this point but I managed to look through a lot of games which was calming in a way. Finally, she called me back to the game system storage room to do the interview. The room was the size of medium closet and was filled with games systesm, a TV and one chair. I was told to sit in the chair and she sat on the floor. The interview began with questions about my experience with games. Luckily the fact that I discussed the two kinds of Sega Genesis' that I owned in detail seemed to impress her and as I discussed the saturation of bad games in the JRPG genre and gave examples of Brawlers I've been playing lately it only seemed to get better. At this point she asked me about my previous job experience and I told her about my job as a game design counselor at National Computer Camp and was able to relate my work experience to the tasks I would be fulfilling at GameStop. We ended the interview by talking about what kind of things I would have to do at the store. Then I went home...
...to find that God Hand still hasn't arrived!!!!! And now I have a bunch of homework to do so nothing more for now....
Yeah. I can be a (huge) jackass sometimes, but I don't blanket-label. That doesn't go over well with me at all. You can't be totalitarian over such sensitive stuff. :-/ Any news on GameStop?
You have the right to make broad generalizations about my viewpoints, so do me a favor and spare me of the accusations. Secondly, the difference between Braid and Streets of Rage is a point. You honestly can't see the difference between a puzzle game with basic story, but is filled with metaphorical undertones, that refer to gaming, and life as a whole and a game with intense midi music where you mash buttons? You can think Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Arcade is art all you want, that just makes your opinion bias and invalid. No one is going to argue that The Transporter is a movie that accurately shows how movies can be art. So don't misrepresent video games by defending the dumbest games to death claiming they have artistic merit. THAT'S bullshit.
I wouldn't call any game released before 1996 anywhere close to being "art." Michaelangelo's ceiling mural, The White Album, The Godfather, and... Super Mario Brothers?
That doesn't sit with me.
Yeah, I've made a few games with Game Maker. I only found out about it a few months ago though so they're not very good, but I may upload one or two of them anyways in a couple of days.
And Sonic Youth is the best band ever. :)
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