Giant Bomb Review

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Blackwater Review

1
  • X360

This game is practically a war crime.

While I am sure there are some out there who view the idea of private military corporations as a necessary evil in America's war on terror, I doubt too many of them even have particularly fond feelings toward the company formerly known as Blackwater. The company, which has made hundreds of millions of dollars in government contracts working for the US Army in Iraq, has changed its name not just once (to Xe Services) but twice (it's now known as Academi) in the last few years to try and counteract its own bad PR. Not that you can blame them. After years of accusations regarding illegal weapons trafficking, the alleged killings of civilians and subsequent cover-ups, and recruiting practices that saw them employing former members of Augusto Pinochet's death squads, you can hardly be surprised that they'd do just about anything they could to make the public forget about all of that.

Apparently "beard technology" is not something Zombie Studios has quite grasped yet.

Thus enters Blackwater, a video game with a curiously outdated title and a message to the public that lets you know that, hey, these guys aren't so bad after all! When they aren't smuggling guns to the King of Jordan or getting sued by dozens of Iraqi families for "random killings," they're helping out the U.N., rescuing formerly deposed peaceful leaders of fictional North African countries, taking down brutal military dictatorships, rescuing hostages and killing the same five recycled models of generic terrorists for about 90 minutes at a time.

Blackwater feels, for all intents and purposes, like a public relations blast. It's less a video game than an attempt to try and sway the public opinion (at least insofar as the public opinion relates to gamers) back to their side, presenting them as a bunch of selfless, good-natured totally-not-mercenaries who save hostages and deliver food and totally don't kill civilians. How could they, when there are literally no civilians anywhere in this game? It's like they took a one way ticket straight to terrorist town.

As a PR tool, Blackwater is rather vile, not to mention woefully ineffective. It stages life as a Blackwater contractor as something akin to being in the fucking A-Team, minus any of the dramatic flair or clever wit. All these chuckleheads do is crack the same jokes to each other--literally, it's the same jokes recycled dozens and dozens of times throughout the game--while periodically dropping an "Oscar Mike" or other piece of equally ubiquitous military terminology to let you know how legit these guys really are. The dialogue is so stiff and tone-deaf that it makes Richard Marcinko sound like Ernest Hemingway, and that's before it even gets around to actually making cracks about the company's own miserable reputation. Yes, that's right: this game actually makes fun of the fact that people think Blackwater is awful and made up of mercenary killers. There are no words...

Do you like this enemy model? I hope so, because you're going to shoot it about six thousand times.

Whatever you may have heard about Blackwater being the first real attempt at bringing a "real first-person shooter" to Kinect, go ahead and disregard any such nonsense now. This is an on-rails light gun game without the light gun. Light gun games are not "real first-person shooters," at least as I understand the definition. They're target shoots where the targets shoot back. This game has more in common with Time Crisis or Hogan's Alley than it does Modern Warfare or Battlefield, and it's not even as good as Hogan's Alley.

For one thing, the aiming is terrible whether you're using Kinect or not. With Kinect, you're theoretically supposed to aim your hand like it's a gun, and effectively live out a way more boring version of this. Except that's really tiring after a while, and also patently unnecessary. You can just lift your hand up a bit so it recognizes that your arms are there, and then you're fine. It's like you're shooting bullets out of your palms, but whatever. The bigger issue is that the aiming reticle is jittery and also slow as hell. It takes seconds (as in plural) to move the reticle from one side of the screen to the other. It's even worse if you play with a controller, though maybe that should be of no surprise. No light gun game translates well to dual-analog sticks, but the fact that it still sucks with Kinect is pretty astounding.

That's the least of Blackwater's gameplay sins. More atrocious are the enemies and level designs, which dart violently between stump-stupid and frustratingly harrowing. Roughly half the enemies in the game will dart out from cover and then just kind of stand there while blurting out lines that sound about a step away from South Park's "Durka Durka!" terrorist dialogue. Forever. They will never move. Only after you shoot every other enemy on screen will they bother to shoot, but they still won't move. As for the ones who do demonstrate cognitive ability, they're still usually pretty easy to blow away, except for a random few who are such crack shots that they can basically pick you off entirely in three shots. This is where cover presumably comes into play, except that the cover mechanics are largely broken. If you're standing right next to a perfectly placed wall, then great, you can just hide behind it until your health regenerates. If you have to crouch, or bend in any sort of awkward way, most times the game has no idea what the hell you're trying to do, and just makes you stand there, soaking up bullets like they were glorious, life-giving sunlight.

If you buy Blackwater, the terrorists don't win. However, the next step below terrorists (mercenaries) do.

Once you do die, you have to replay the entire level over again. All of it. Granted, most levels last between 5-7 minutes, but that's still a decent chunk of content you're going to be repeating again and again, until you either figure out which enemy is randomly really good at shooting you, or you quit in pure frustration. I'm not sure if it's an accidental bonus or something close to tragic, but ultimately you'll only be doing any of this for maybe 90 minutes total. The campaign is ludicrously short, which gives one the impression that this game may have been intended for arcades at one point in its development cycle. What to do when you finish that 90 minute campaign? You could replay the same godawful levels you just played for better scores, or you could try out the barely-stitched-on multiplayer component, though that would entail subjecting friends to this game's various unpleasantries. With friends like you, who needs private military contractors?

All of this misery for $50 a pop. An hour and a half of busted-ass light gun shooting that barely masks the deplorable PR message underneath. In effect, buyers of Blackwater are paying for propaganda. They're handing over money to a shady group of alleged killers for the privilege of being told that these guys aren't shady or killers or anything to that effect. The only good news is that the message is altogether lost in a sea of half-baked gameplay, barely-functioning graphics, and horrible one-liners. I don't know if the folks at publisher 505 Games actually sympathize with these dirtbags, or just figured they could make a quick, easy buck with this thing, but that they, and developer Zombie Studios have even failed to make the compelling propaganda tool they were tasked with is, in a way, kind of perfect. Shame on everyone involved.

Alex Navarro on Google+
208 Comments
Posted by The_Laughing_Man

So can we expect a quick look of this horrid game? 

Posted by CaLe

It would be better if it didn't 

Posted by Zealousadonis

Haha this was actually reviewed that's awesome what a horrible idea for a game.

Posted by Hot_Karl

Lol Kinect

Posted by mbr2

OH SHIT IT'S ALEXANDER NAVARRO

Posted by zaglis

Were da kuick look at???

Posted by Overbite

Oscar Mike

Posted by EdIsCool

In before "Just review the game Alex, we don't need your political opinions!"

Posted by Jost1

Quick Look please :D

Posted by Vexxan

What is this game

Posted by beef_melody

Killer review.

Posted by Greenshoes

I must add my voice to the masses, praying for a quick look of this.

Edited by Napalm

This game looks amazing. 
  
@beef_melody said:

Killer review.

I see what you fucking did there.
Posted by Napalm

PALMBULLETS.

Posted by Foggen

It really is a shame that Alex's character doesn't change with the review score like Jeff/Ryan/Brad/Vinny's do.

Posted by Winternet

Wait, what? A review? In mid-December?

Strange times we live in.

Posted by Packie

We demand quick look!

... pwetty please :V

Posted by MikeGosot
@Napalm said:
PALMBULLETS.
Or maybe... Na-PALMBULLETS! 
 
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Puntastic, no?
Posted by Video_Game_King

How appropriate is his icon for this review?

Posted by SquirrelGOD
This game is practically a war crime.

Oh, Alex. You're such a card.

Posted by TepidShark
Posted by Chris2KLee

Surprised this wasn't an iPhone game released at kid friendly prices. That would seem like a pretty good PR tool. 505 Games continues their tradition of releasing utter garbage.

Posted by deerokus

This is an extremely entertaining review.

Posted by DirtyAstronaut

"This game is practically a war crime." I saw that on the home page and thought this must be an Alex review!!!

Posted by gosukiller

I'm actually fearing for Alex's life. He might have made some really powerfull people angry.

And by powerfull people I mean 505games.

Posted by Napalm
@MikeGosot said:
@Napalm said:
PALMBULLETS.
Or maybe... Na-PALMBULLETS!  YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Puntastic, no?
Not sure what fucking trickery you just pulled, but there was no link to click in the PM I got for this! 
 
YEEEAAAAAUUUUUUHH.
Posted by fisk0

Wow, Zombie Studios did this? Odd, they generally make decent games.

Posted by MariachiMacabre

As soon as I saw this advertised at Gamestop this summer, I knew this would need an Alex review. Even then it looked horrible and even knowing it exists is offensive.

Edited by AnEternalEnigma

I would pay an exhorbitant amount of money to see Ryan Davis play this game from start to finish.

Posted by AndrewB

And a quick look is on the way, right? Please?

Posted by JauntyHat

Blackwater, staring Gary Whitta

Posted by MikeGosot
@Napalm said:
@MikeGosot said:
@Napalm said:
PALMBULLETS.
Or maybe... Na-PALMBULLETS!  YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Puntastic, no?
Not sure what fucking trickery you just pulled, but there was no link to click in the PM I got for this!  YEEEAAAAAUUUUUUHH.
Same for me! Is this revenge? Just because i made a pun with your username, there's no need for you to use black magic, man.
Posted by wumbo3000

Ah. Alex reviewing just downright atrocious games are my favorite kind of Alex reviews.

Edited by Ben_H

Can you do the hadouken motion to fire bullets since it registers arm motion? That would make this game many times more entertaining.

Posted by Whizbang

War crimes have changed.

Posted by Make_Me_Mad

It's entirely possible that Alex is my favorite writer on the site.

Posted by Tackchevy

Man, why you got to bag on Hogan's Alley? That game was legit back in the day. NES light gun? Boom, sold. Duck Hunt gets all the long term significance for no reason at all besides the fucking dog laughing. Laugh laugh laugh dog lucky for you the programmers were too lazy to code in an animation for your ass getting shot.

Posted by buzz_killington

I read a guy's blog, who used to work at Zombie, about this game's development. NO BODY liked working on it, turns out. And it was developed by like 20 people in one year.

Posted by Forum_User

This game is winner.

Posted by SpaceRunaway

Quick look please!

Edited by Christoffer

I could have made that beard. THAT'S how much it sucks.

Great write, Alex

Posted by ShaunassNZ

Just went and bought this, absolutely amazing. Should be a special Endurance Run.

Posted by Abendlaender

Well, at least the only trailer is pretty ridiculous

Edited by Gunharp

I echo the opinion that GB Crew really should Quick Look this game!

@deerokus said:

This is an extremely entertaining review.

Alex is always at his best with the shit games :)

@fisk0 said:

Wow, Zombie Studios did this? Odd, they generally make decent games.

@buzz_killington said:

I read a guy's blog, who used to work at Zombie, about this game's development. NO BODY liked working on it, turns out. And it was developed by like 20 people in one year.

Yeah his jabs on them sure leave me kinda sad, they didn't force him to play it. They're a local studio here, and sometimes you just gotta do work. I don't personally know anyone working at Zombie but I've enjoyed their company from PAX to Industry Night and made acquaintances through friends at DigiPen.

I hope Alex doesn't really think they are terrible for developing this game.

Like anyone will read my post or give a shit :(

Posted by billyhoush

Oh god please do a Quick Look!!!!

Edited by Tennmuerti

Why is this 1 star and not 0?

I'm serious here, not trolling. Is there really some one thing that is not terrible and of actual worth? Or what even is the difference between 1 and 0 start for VG review? Or is there just no 0 star rating on GB unlike screened?

If you're reading this Alex (or any staff/interns) it would be cool to know.

Online
Posted by Alex

@Tennmuerti: There is not a zero-star rating on Giant Bomb.

Posted by MjHealy

So it's Darkest of Days 2 but now with more bro-y mercenaries? Sold.

Posted by Lifestrike

Hey Alex! I have a question!

It sounds like this game has no redeeming features... Why does it receive one star instead of zero?

Does simply working once the disk is inserted guarantee one star?

I realize that movies and games have different standards, but... Is this game really a better experience than New Year's Eve? I know both are absolutely atrocious but... How bad must that movie be, to be worth more time than this?!

Posted by ghostNPC

Fantastic review Alex.