GOTY Special: Giant Bomb's Worst Christmas Song

If we bombard Brad's email with bad Christmas songs they will have to, right?

it’s the Beatles’ ”Wonderful Christmas Time.” There are a billion second places you can argue about among yourselves, but fuck that song from here to hell and back. It’s what I imagine the volcanic bowels of a dragon sound like just before it shits out the goopy remains of a hobbit village. It is one of the worst songs in creation and makes my head hurt just thinking about it. I would make sweet, passionate honeymoon love to “Achy Breaky Heart” before I let my eardrums be in the same room as “Wonderful Christmas Time.”

a good enough opportunity to share DMX.

Mistletoe and Wine should be scrubbed from our collective memories. In fact, I am pretty sure everything wrong in the world after 1988 (or year 0MaW in our new Cliff Richards oriented calendar) can be linked to this song.

I don’t think this has the same legs as worst 80s song.

@sparky_buzzsaw: You mean Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmas Time"? I think The Beatles were long done by that point lol :p

@omgfather: Yes. Sure. Whatever. It burns it burns it burrrrrnsss.

There is that really sped up version of Jingle Bells that almost causes me to seizure that is one of the worst Christmas songs. edit - its barbara Streisand

And "Grandma Got Runover by a Reindeer" - that is the absolute no-contest worst...

Ranking of Cliff Richard. The day he stopped caring about #1 in every decade was the best day of our lives.

Easily 'Christmas Wrapping'. It literally sounds like someone reading out loud the lyrics to the song, as opposed to, ya know, singing them. So bad, and for bonus points, it is also an 80s song.

Anytime someone mentions awful Christmas songs I think of Patton Oswalt's bit on Christmas Shoes.

This might be cuz I live in Japan and they only know like 1 Christmas song that play on an eternal loop but Wham!'s "Last Christmas" is just the worst.

"Wonderful Christmas Time" is my choice here, and it's not close. I worked retail for a lot of years, and hearing that syrupy happy Christmas tune when my own Christmas Time was decidedly not wonderful was like salt in the wound.

I'm exhausted and broke and just got yelled at for the 5th time today, but at least Paul McCartney is happy. GOOD FOR YOU BUD LIVE IT UP

@bmaxwell: I too have worked retail and I can also confirm that Wonderful Christmastime is an offense to the senses like little else. But did you know that Owl City has multiple christmas songs? I'm not entirely sure which song I was subjected to, but if I can recognize that I'm listening to Owl City then I am having a fucking bad time.

@mavs: I left my retail career behind in 2013, so I'm lucky enough to have never heard this before. There's something about this dude's voice that feels like I'm being activated this peppermint winter is so sugar sweet

I submit "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" for consideration.

Now, this version of it can almost be forgiven for being awful because it's sung by a child. (The original KidzBop Christmas?) I personally can't stand intentionally cutesy stuff, as this seems likes something that belongs in a children's play with some Dad faking a smile through clenched teeth and giving a thumbs-up for how "good" it is. Except this somehow made its way into the mainstream, and it's not okay.

However, if we're going to adequately science this thing, we need a control to determine the merit of this song, and boy, did I find one. Behold Captain & Tennille's version of it, which is amazingly terrible. Listen if you dare.

If we're talking about songs that actually get played during the Christmas season, then this is the right answer. What an awful, awful song. I've never heard of some of this other stuff you guys are digging up.

This thread is for the worst Christmas song, not the best.

I'm still laughing at this comment. I think it's because he fully enunciates everything as if it's a song on Sesame Street or some shit. I could definitely see Peppermint Winter being particularly spirit-crushing in a retail environment, especially everything after 2:38.

It would be fun to watch them debate it, but as others have said, the actual answer to this is "Wonderful Christmas Time". I'd rather listen to the Destiny song.

While Wonderful Christmas Time isn't great by any means, I find it pretty easy to ignore. Granted, I didn't work retail.

The two that came to mind immediately are: 1) All versions of I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas. The song is stupid, without even being amusing. I immediately cringe, and just leave the room if I'm not at liberty to simply turn it off.

2) Bruce Springsteen's Santa Claus is Coming to Town. The song itself is basically fine, but the performance is grating.

Opinions on Driving Home for Christmas by Chris Rea, pease. I'm okay with it but he sounds so, so fucking tired.

Most Christmas music is horrid. That is like trying to find the shiniest piece of shit in a pile of shit. With a very rare exception even the classics are awful trash, just like Christmas themed movies. 99% of them are unwatchable garbage.

@shindig: I love singing the first few lines during christmas in an exeggarated way. That song is ayy okayyy to me.

@tigerface_killah said:

This is a guilty pleasure for me. I like it.

I love Christmas music so I had my radio tuned to the local 24 Christmas music channel while I was out shopping one cold Kansas night when this song came on and it is on that day that I discovered the true king of aggressively horrid Xmas tunes:

"Christmas with a Capital C" by Go Fish Guys

I don't get the hate for Last Christmas. I like it.

This is a bad idea.

It should be noted that the actual worst 80s song is definitely a christmas song.