Half-Life 3 is released and...

It opens and Gordon Freeman finally speaks. What does he say?

Aside from "YOU PICK UP THAT CAN!"

He says "not funny".

Crowbar ...never leave home without one

"Nah."

"Aw, Hell".

Alternatively - "It's about time".

Though ideally he says both at the same time. And then cue the guitar riff.

he basically just starts rapping express yourself

I don't know what he says but he has the voice of Morgan Freeman.

He is voiced by Jon St. John, who basically repeats every line in Duke Nukem Forever, but completely out of context.

He says "wake up" to himself and we learn all the stuff that happened in previous games was just a dream and he still works in the lab.

That old RPG sound that plays as words are written along a text box. That like, beeping or tinking sound.

And the actual words are written down in the subtitles.

Everyone else gets regular voice acting.

He opens his mouth really wide and sound clips of Norm from Cheers are played. And that's what will happen every time he speaks.

he coughs. nothing else for the rest of the game.

BOMBCAST, AT GIANT BOMB DOT DOM. Let's see here. First e-mail comes from James Daplock.. That's a real name.

Is it?

I don't know. Hey bombadeers..

[FUCKING EXPLOSION]

"My name isn't Gordon Freeman"-Jesus Christ

"You're going to be terribly disappointed."

I hope he has a hilariously high pitched voice.

Oh, second thought. It's actually Ross Scott from Freeman's Mind, and the reason it takes so long for him to release episodes (including this weird thing Machinima is doing at the moment) is because he has to go record lines at Valve.

you know what?

at this point, I think of his voice as Gabe's voice.

"OOOH- SOME-TIMES. I GET A GOOD FEELING."

-Gordon "The Free Man" Freeman

Blah blah blah, Mr Freeman

No Russian

he doesn't say anything. Don't even joke about that.

"Mia, I'm a cop".

"Time to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of gum"

"I'm back", it would seem appropriate given his hiatus.

"I'm getting to old for this shit."

It turns out that the voice of the HEV suit is actually Gordon.

"Nooooooo!"

Someone tells him something ridiculous to do, but he's all like "Fuck you"

"Worth the weight"

I read that as Morgan Freeman.

that .... would be awesome. In all seriousnes, I'm not sure if they could do a talking Gordon, but if they got someone of that caliber ... that would probably make it work.

Nothing...he says nothing.

Does the silent protagonist still work ??

"Nobody steals our chicks... and lives."

Given the ending of Episode 2?

"Fuuuuuck!"

In this case, absolutely.

...it is an IOS game with a minitransaction shop.

The game ends with Gordon about to be executed, as they are about to pull the trigger he begins to say "The Cake is a" *Gunshot*

Someone who doesn't exist can't talk.

"How can the same shit happen to the same guy thrice?"

Have you seen the new Team Fortress 2 hats?

I don't care about Half Life anymore. I'm so distanced and detached from this old franchise that I'll probably approach the eventual HL3 as a brand new thing and see where that takes me.

If Valve does ANYTHING in-game that acknowledges the wait for HL3 then it's automatically ruined. Immersion and fourth-wall shattered. Hopes crushed!

"Rise and shine, Mister Freeman."

It turns out that you were the G-Man the whole time (G stands for Gordon).

@ravenlight: Ooooo... Like a Fight Club split image illusion personality thingie!

"Stop bringing me back, assholes"

He wakes up from the Animus.

"I'm gonna kill Praxis!"

@beachthunder said:

Topical! I tip my hat to you.