I hate eating with my friend

So I have a friend I have known for about 20 years and we always have fun together, but anytime we go out to eat or even eat at one of our homes he chews with his mouth open loudly and doesn't care to look right at you and talk while chewing. He's also fond of being rather free with belching, and it's disgusting and embarrassing. 
 
If anything is said about it he just says "Oh the fuck well." 
 
What to do? I tried recording his chewing on a mini recorder to play it back to him but there was too much static. I'm out of ideas.

eat your friend

Spike his food with rat poison.

Next time you eat with anyone, stare at their mouth and listen.   It can't be unseen/unheard.  It is the most disturbing thing in the world.

Don't eat with him.

Also, shoot an email to the McElboys over at MBMBaM - I'm sure they'll solve your problem faster than you can say "close your mouth you uncouth fuck."

Convince him to get a date, a girl he'll bring to the restaurant. Then watch his doom. When he'll come back, mopping in failure, explain him why.

I have no idea what to tell you.... I have the same problem. I have some friends who horrible when it comes to chewing their food. Oh and don't get me started on my brother....I can't be around him when he eats. I hope you figure something out for your own sanity because nothing I do works...

Bring a gun and place it on the table in front of him.  Make it very clear what will happen if he chews with his mouth open or talks while eating.   

Mirror his behavior and if he ask you about it, just say i'm copying you. Maybe he would get the msg.

Do it back to him in a really exaggerated fashion, not just for a few seconds a couple of minutes.  If that doesn't work then try and puke up in your own mouth a bit and say "Look, I just puked up in my own mouth" and show it to him.  Put your fingers in your mouth and get some of the sick on it and then tell how much it stinks and offer him a smell.
 
There are probably more diplomatic solutions I'm not aware of, mind you.

I'm gonna have to side with your friend on this one: oh the fuck well.

Masturbate into his mouth.

" Masturbate into his mouth. "

Anytime my cousin drinks he does this obnoxious gulping noise. I just had to learn to ignore it.

" Also, shoot an email to the McElboys over at MBMBaM - I'm sure they'll solve your problem faster than you can say "close your mouth you uncouth fuck." "

Just tell him that he needs to stop. Make it clear that it really annoys you. If he really is a friend he will listen..

" eat your friend "

" Spike his food with rat poison. "

Belching part isn't too bad, but uh yeah chew with the mouth closed dude... unless purposely not for laughs.  BUT NOT ALL THE FRAGGING TIME.

You should probably burn his house down.

That sucks. I couldn't imagine eating with someone like that^^

Food really does taste better with your mouth closed. He is missing out on so much!

" Masturbate into his mouth. "

I would just say deal with it. Don't try to change people if they aren't hurting themselves.

Belch louder.

Make him understand that you don't like it. 

" mbmbam rules "

I'm sure you haven't confronted him . Insult it him while he's chewing . The awkward silence will make you hear the GULP . Be glad you have a friend and stop bitching if you have moved to a new place and lost contact with your old friends you will know what I'm talking about .

" I'm sure you haven't confronted him . Insult it him while he's chewing . The awkward silence will make you hear the GULP . Be glad you have a friend and stop bitching if you have moved to a new place and lost contact with your old friends you will know what I'm talking about . "

"

Mirror his behavior and if he ask you about it, just say i'm copying you. Maybe he would get the msg.

"

Say you disgust me and everyone around you. Act like a civil human being and get some manors.

Either accept that he wont change it, or do things that dont involve eating together as friends.

" Say you disgust me and everyone around you. Act like a civil human being and get some manors. "

" Masturbate into his mouth. "

Fake your own death.
 
 
Oh wait...wrong thread type.

Destroy his appetite so he never wants to eat again. I suggest starting with a picture of Joan Rivers.

" eat your friend "

" Do it back to him in a really exaggerated fashion, not just for a few seconds a couple of minutes.  If that doesn't work then try and puke up in your own mouth a bit and say "Look, I just puked up in my own mouth" and show it to him.  Put your fingers in your mouth and get some of the sick on it and then tell how much it stinks and offer him a smell.  There are probably more diplomatic solutions I'm not aware of, mind you. "

" Masturbate into his mouth. "

I initially thought you said you hate eating your friend. LOL. Now that I read it, I've had similar issues with my older brother. :(

This thread was unexpectedly entertaining.

Kidnap him and then repeatedly subjugate him to violent sexual assaults and agonising physical torture, over a period of about 35 years. 
 
That should solve the problem.

Record his ass on video, not just audio.

" eat your friend "

Renegade his ass out the window.

Make new friends.

"

Mirror his behavior and if he ask you about it, just say i'm copying you. Maybe he would get the msg.

"

You are a pussy.