Making friends as an adult.

You generally have the biggest friend circle when you are going through childhood, nursery, school, senior school and even college. Your seeing the people day in day out so you are more likely to make friends with these people, work can also be similar. I was terrible about staying in touch and realised last night I have kept in touch with about 2 of my friends from my childhood, I have plenty of friends at work but if I was to say get a new job I would suddenly loose all of those friends. I get down whenever I start thinking about this, especially when I have holiday off work, because as all my friends are at work I often spend it alone.

So I'm in the market for friends, but making friends as an adult, not even sure where to start. Do I just go out to a club by myself, because that seems both scary and sad, any tips for this lonely flowerpot?

Why would you just stop talking to those people if you left your job? They clearly aren't your friends if that's the case.

Just call your old friends again. I guarantee you they will be happy to hear from you (if you left on good terms.)

The thing I discovered is that the older you get the smaller your circle of friends becomes. Just let it flow naturally and eventually you'll find the people you like to hang with.

@Hizang said:

You generally have the biggest friend circle when you are going through childhood, nursery, school, senior school and even college. Your seeing the people day in day out so you are more likely to make friends with these people, work can also be similar. I was terrible about staying in touch and realised last night I have kept in touch with about 2 of my friends from my childhood, I have plenty of friends at work but if I was to say get a new job I would suddenly loose all of those friends. I get down whenever I start thinking about this, especially when I have holiday off work, because as all my friends are at work I often spend it alone.

So I'm in the market for friends, but making friends as an adult, not even sure where to start. Do I just go out to a club by myself, because that seems both scary and sad, any tips for this lonely flowerpot?

From what I understand, it's the same as high school. You find and join clubs that interest you and make friends from there. So if you like Warhammer or DnD then go to a place that runs games and join. Same goes for sports, reading, rock climbing, etc. I personally don't like most people so I ditched all of my friends. But my long time friend for something like 18 years has something like 100s of friends. He just keeps building them from moving to different jobs, meeting them at bars, etc. He's not complete if he isn't doing his rounds of visiting his friends. Oh yeah and you can also get friends from your other friends too.

@AlexW00d said:

Why would you just stop talking to those people if you left your job? They clearly aren't your friends if that's the case.

There are many people there I am friends with, but we never really meet out of work unless its somebody's birthday etc. Perhaps if I wasn't there we would meet up just to reconnect, but I don't know if I want to take that chance. Because if it backfires I would suddenly have no people to talk to.

I don't think most adults have a ton of friends. I think you're in a better position than some.

Just have your parents set up a play date with some people around your age. You should be making friends in no time.

All my friends are dead.

@BraveToaster said:

Shit like that still baffles me, I don't know how to make friends as an adult either. It used to be so simple when we were kids, but then you become more aware of yourself and others. Next, you start feeling self-conscious, and your armpits begin to sweat because you've developed social anxiety. And then you're in a worse position because you're afraid that you might stink from all that armpit sweat, so you make sure you scrub your armpits extra hard, just to be on the safe side. But that fear is still there, the fear of rejection, or the fear of obliviously befriending someone who is just around you because your awkwardness is amusing. You finally give up and just stay at home, play video games, and post on Giant Bomb's forums, then you realize that you're almost 30 and haven't enjoyed much of your adult life.

Either take the first step in becoming a socially active person or end up a loser. I'm sure you'll find a group of people who share your interests.

Damn son, that's so depressing.

@Hizang: You can have us be your friends, I'll go clubbing with you.

@Bocam said:

All my friends are dead.

Not all of them. GBAD got your back.

You can do activities that involve interacting with people instead of playing video games all night and wasting time on message boards.

.

Generally you meet new friends through work or through other friends when you're an adult. What it sounds like is that you have a lot of "acquaintances" at work rather than friends. Friends are the people you call, go to the movies with and stuff. Acquaintances are those people you make casual chit chat at work with but don't see them in your personal life. If those people at work are cool doods and you wouldn't mind hanging out more with them, invite them out to see a movie and get something to eat - you'll quickly see if they are at all interested or not in spending any time with you outside of work.

Chat Roulette.

My circle of friends has been pretty whittled down since I graduated high school. And the ones that are still my friends barley ever hand out with me. I see them maybe once a month at this point. Some days I wake up and I almost have to convince myself that I didn't just make them up in my head.

Poker Night. These days my game has both ladies and men.

Are you looking for friends friends or "HEY WE ARE IN THE SAME PLACE LETS HANG" friends?

My closest friends are guys worked with over 10 years ago. Luckily we all had similar interests and our friendships just grew after that business went under; We hang out regularly. I haven't talked to friends from my youth for decades. Seems like work is probably the best place to find pals as an adult.

@BraveToaster said:

Shit like that still baffles me, I don't know how to make friends as an adult either. It used to be so simple when we were kids, but then you become more aware of yourself and others. Next, you start feeling self-conscious, and your armpits begin to sweat because you've developed social anxiety. And then you're in a worse position because you're afraid that you might stink from all that armpit sweat, so you make sure you scrub your armpits extra hard, just to be on the safe side. But that fear is still there, the fear of rejection, or the fear of obliviously befriending someone who is just around you because your awkwardness is amusing. You finally give up and just stay at home, play video games, and post on Giant Bomb's forums, then you realize that you're almost 30 and haven't enjoyed much of your adult life.

Either take the first step in becoming a socially active person or end up a loser. I'm sure you'll find a group of people who share your interests.

I thought you became more confident and less self conscious as you get older.

Well shit. I'm fucked.

Yeah, I don't really know how to make friends as an adult either. To be honest though, I wasn't all that great doing it back when I was in school either.

I get along well and carry on casual conversation with people at work, but somehow, that just doesn't seem to really turn into anything that I'd really call a full-on friendship. The real issue just seems to be that creating relationships that crossover that barrier between your personal life and your professional life is difficult. To a large degree, I think that probably stems from a very real and reasonable fear that by mixing personal and professional relationships, there is the potential for things to go really bad. Don't get me wrong, it is definitely possible, but I personally just don't know if I could ever really completely open up my personal life to someone that I have to work with 40 hours a week.

1. Use the internet. There are probably people on this very site, who live in your area, whom you would get along with if you met up. There are also communities out there for just about anything you could interested in. There are even sites which are precisely for meeting people near you.

2. Meet your friend's friends. You probably share common interests and are compatible with them too. Having a mutual friend can make getting to know the new friend an easier proposition.

3. Talk to people...outside. Let's assume you're into comic books and there's a comic shop near your house. Go to it and talk to people. Again, the internet is useful to find out if stuff like this is even in your area.

I've met at least 6 people from the internet over music things alone, and from all manner of websites, not just music ones. Messaging random people on a chat client has also proven a worthy venture. It works.

I know what you mean, I've lost contact with all the people I used to be friends with in school. And even then, I always stood apart from the others. Found out I had aspergers a couple of years ago, which explains a lot I guess. It doesn't fill me with a lot of hope though, which I suppose can be an obstacle in and of itself.

You should try and ask if some of your co-workers wanna grab a beer after work or something though, don't think it could hurt.

I picked up making friends as an adult from my old man, and it's the old style that maybe works in a tiny city up in the middle of nowhere but is kinda weird in a big city; Random person on the bus conversations are common, as are ones in stores, or even on the streets, and making friends of those people. I talk casual with the homeless and most recently a rough looking fellow looking for recyclable cans and bottles, turns out he was an wicked organ player in a prog band in the 70's. (Well, he and I sort of know when somebody is in a talkative state, or ready to be talked with, gotta add that)
 
In order to change, this is what I learned myself, what you need to do is dump that fear and think "what do I have to lose" and just go for it. It's the same with picking up partners - "Just do it"
 
Good luck!

I know exactly what you mean. I never had a ton of friends in school, but what I had then is way more than what I have now. One of my best friends moved away years ago when I was still in high school, though I still talk to him occasionally and we were talking about visiting one another some time soon. My other best friend I haven't talked to in like two months because it seems like he's just too busy with his own life now. There are several friends I have simply fallen out of contact with, for whatever reason. I also have "friends" at work, though I would consider them more of good acquaintances since we never actually do anything together outside of work. There is one person at work who I consider a really good friend. She has a family and plenty going on in her own life, though, so we also don't do as much together as I wish we could.
 
It fucking sucks and hurts a lot feeling like you have no friends and not knowing what to do to meet new people. This feeling has contributed a lot to my worsening depression over the last few months. I don't get out too much so I don't get the opportunity to meet a lot of new people. I was thinking of going back to college next year, so I guess that's a good a place as any to make new friends. It's just not as easy to do as an adult than when you're a kid. You can't just go to someone you've known for like 5 minutes and ask them "Hey, wanna be friends?" because that's just fucking silly. You can no longer depend on your parents to get together with other parents and have their kids' friendship kind of forced upon you.
 
I will say this, though: I love going to rock and metal shows. Don't know if you're into going to any shows, but I've been to plenty by myself, especially recently since my best friend it usually the one I go with. It might seem awkward at first, but you soon realize it isn't and you start having a better time. There's a surprising amount of people that go alone, actually. Last year I went to a Nonpoint show alone and met a really awesome, hilarious dude who I have kept in contact with since. In this case, besides sharing common interests in music and stand-up, it turned out we both knew the drummer from another one of our favorite bands who are from across the country, so we had plenty to talk about.  Nonpoint played a month ago and we met up there and had a great time. He's exactly the kind of person I would be proud to call a friend. The point is, with concerts, it's easier to go alone and meet new people. Everyone is there for the music so you automatically have something in common with everyone there. It would probably be harder to have those kind of experiences at a club or bar, but I would say it's at least worth a shot.

Friends are optional. All I've got are acquaintances.

In my experience, only the ones you knew when you were young are worth a damn. Even then it's not necessarily the people you might have expected at the time.

I'm not an adult (but I'm getting a little close now that I think about it), but I think you're overthinking this whole ordeal. Sure, it's going to feel awkward & there's a small potential things can backfire, but even if that happens... so what? You either end with friends to hang out with or you're back where you started. It's not like calling up an old friend is going to result in you going to jail or anything.

Just go out of your comfort zone- sure, it's going to be awkward and really weird at first, but afterwards you'll probably realize that it was worth it all along.

Friendship is a tuff thing you have to be able to trust people and people often are not trust worthy.

Just remember there's nothing wrong with being alone, in fact you might be better for it.

All of my current friends are actually people I used to work with at some point, and we just kept in touch. It not a long list, but its a great one. Every single one of those friendships started by hanging out with them once or twice after work, now not a single one of us work at the same place and we still hang out together often. Starting a new job doesn't have to mean the end of a friendship.

I don't know what ages you Duders are but I will be 30 soon and have a few friends that I have had from high school. Other friends I have are from university which I am going into second year. If you go out of your way to try and make friends with people you will not make any. Just go do the things that you like and you will meet others with similar interests.

I only have two friends that I know and trust. Other so called friends I had known in the past. Turned out to be backstabbers and my worst enemies. Meeting those types of people made me less social.

It's not easy man. Infact, it's one of the hardest things you can do, sorry. It's hard to just meet people and hang out, especially in an age where technology has conditioned us to stay inside where we can do anything from the comfort of our own homes. You know that saying where "Because of the internet, we're now closer than ever before". It's more like the opposite. People like you (and me...and a lot of people on this website) are inherently going to sit at home and talk to people via the internet, as opposed to going out and talking, hanging out, drinking, all that "Getting out being social" shtick that you're so accustomed to being jealous of. 
 
That's not to say there isn't people out there to be friends with. Be nice to people. Smile a lot. Laugh a lot. Learn a lot. Seek happiness. Be friendly with everyone you meet, and chances are you'll meet friends somewhere, somehow. 
 
I think it's just putting yourself out there. You'll make a lot more friends in 2 weeks by being interested in other people, than you would in 2 years trying to get other people to be interested in you. Just try and talk to people. When I was with my ex, she was the only real friend I had, or wanted. Now that she's out of the picture, the world's a much scarier place, especially when you're alone. I'm currently trying to get back in touch with people who I used to be good friends with. It's going okay, I guess. 
 
Whereabouts do you live buddy?

Good advice here duders, I've started to make a few gym buddies, that's a start. I also find I have headphones on most of the time, while that's good it's probbaly not helping.

Im like this at the moment. I had a group of 5 good friends from school days that i used to be in contact with for ages, but now not so much due to university things. I guess contacting them would just be the cure, but im reluctant to do so since i feel they may have moved on, things change you know?

@Bocam said:

All my friends are dead.

JASON

@Hizang weren't you taking boxing classes and stuff? As an adult its important to kind of put yourself in spots like that, classes, volunteering groups etc. that's an easy way to expand your base of casual acquaintances/drinking palz bf gfs etc. But as other said. as you get older your circle of friends does shrink a little bit.

@RenMcKormack: I still am, I mean I was feeling pretty down earlier, but after a nice gym session and just a few words with classmates I feel a whole lot better.

@Hizang said:

@RenMcKormack: I still am, I mean I was feeling pretty down earlier, but after a nice gym session and just a few words with classmates I feel a whole lot better.

Yes it always surprises me what speaking to friends can do, and I don't mean over text, but voice. I've been through a plethora of shit these past few months over my ex-girlfriend and within minutes I felt world's better from a phone call.

@Hizang: nah man, My friend circle was about 3 maybe 2 people in high school, not like im going to lose them though

Keeping busy is a way of keeping on a good mind, my trouble is that when I have nothing to do my mind over thinks. For example my TV broke today, I was all pumped to play some more sleeping dogs but as I couldn't I got bored. I got ready for gym early and had to wait around for a bit, that was stupid because my mind was no longer busy and was just thinking to myself.

I'm technically not a full grown adult yet, and most of my friends aren't from school or my childhood.

You just meet and talk to people you know? Like yesterday I talked to the Verizon guy hooking up my fios for like an hour about Showtimes Dexter. We exchanged Facebooks and now I guess we're friends.

I'll die alone. At least then I'll get some peace and quiet.

Yeah, this is a problem.

I guess I never really had any good friends. The people I hung out with through elementary school to junior high were an amusing bunch, but pretty much only time I spent with them was at school or when I was totally wasted. Once I moved to a neighbouring city, I tried to keep in touch but they didn't seem to bother so I also stopped trying. Touched bases with a few of them during military training, but then I moved to the capital and haven't heard of 'em since. That was like 7 years ago.

Made a friend during said military training, but once we got out it just felt awkward - we had similar interests, but the relationship worked only because of the enviroment. So haven't heard from him in years either.

Then we have the work acquintances - some of them I could've become friends, but I've been switching jobs like every 2 years while looking for something interesting to do, so it's really hard to keep in touch. In this last job, I haven't even tried - since I can work almost completely from home, I don't even know all the names of the people who work in the same team with me.

I guess I'm pretty much putting all my eggs into one basket. I'm quitting my current job next month, getting a part-time job and going back to school in January. I'm hoping I can make some lasting relationships in there during those 4 years. Though I'm a bit worried about the age difference, since most of the people on my courses are likely to be up to 7 years younger than me. But I play vidjagames and I know dubstep - I'm hip with the kids, right guys?

Hobbies are a good starting point - joining a club or etc. I was thinking about joining a Go club and learning to play it properly, but trying to fit in with a pre-existing group of friends is even scarier than trying to connect with a random bypasser.

I've just found out about a gay night in a local club on Mondays, so I'm going to try and book a Tuesday off and go out for a night.

I also find this to be super hard. It doesn't help being an introvert either. Or the fact that I live in Norway, making most people I can become friends with online less likely to live nearby. Or that I don't really drink, and hate everything about clubbing and such.

So yeah, I am a 25 year old guy who goes to work, come home to play games and read books. Rinse, repeat. I do speak a lot with my brothers on Skype though, but that's really not the same.

I haven't made a single friend since school. I'm pretty lucky in that I still have a bunch of them around.

@OneKillWonder_ said:

I know exactly what you mean. I never had a ton of friends in school, but what I had then is way more than what I have now. One of my best friends moved away years ago when I was still in high school, though I still talk to him occasionally and we were talking about visiting one another some time soon. My other best friend I haven't talked to in like two months because it seems like he's just too busy with his own life now. There are several friends I have simply fallen out of contact with, for whatever reason. I also have "friends" at work, though I would consider them more of good acquaintances since we never actually do anything together outside of work. There is one person at work who I consider a really good friend. She has a family and plenty going on in her own life, though, so we also don't do as much together as I wish we could. It fucking sucks and hurts a lot feeling like you have no friends and not knowing what to do to meet new people. This feeling has contributed a lot to my worsening depression over the last few months. I don't get out too much so I don't get the opportunity to meet a lot of new people. I was thinking of going back to college next year, so I guess that's a good a place as any to make new friends. It's just not as easy to do as an adult than when you're a kid. You can't just go to someone you've known for like 5 minutes and ask them "Hey, wanna be friends?" because that's just fucking silly. You can no longer depend on your parents to get together with other parents and have their kids' friendship kind of forced upon you. I will say this, though: I love going to rock and metal shows. Don't know if you're into going to any shows, but I've been to plenty by myself, especially recently since my best friend it usually the one I go with. It might seem awkward at first, but you soon realize it isn't and you start having a better time. There's a surprising amount of people that go alone, actually. Last year I went to a Nonpoint show alone and met a really awesome, hilarious dude who I have kept in contact with since. In this case, besides sharing common interests in music and stand-up, it turned out we both knew the drummer from another one of our favorite bands who are from across the country, so we had plenty to talk about. Nonpoint played a month ago and we met up there and had a great time. He's exactly the kind of person I would be proud to call a friend. The point is, with concerts, it's easier to go alone and meet new people. Everyone is there for the music so you automatically have something in common with everyone there. It would probably be harder to have those kind of experiences at a club or bar, but I would say it's at least worth a shot.

You have to remember that aside from the lucky few people who have maintained friendships from childhood (I'm blessed in that way), ALL adults feel this way. You're not a nerd asking someone cooler to be your friend. You're saying, I enjoy your company, let's grab some drinks or a meal. If that goes well a few times, see if they want to go to a movie or play games or something. It's not as difficult as it seems in your head. Everyone wants to be wanted. No one is going to make fun of you or look down on you for thinking they are worth your time and effort. It's a compliment.

If you don't have any acquaintances you think you'd like to make friends, it gets trickier, but yeah, join some clubs, go to meetups (like PAX) things like that, and just start small. Build a correspondence. Friendship grows from there.