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5 (28) 4 (138) 3 (48) 2 (7) 1 (6) 3.8 starsAverage score of 227 user reviews
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The Sum of All Profits 1
Jack Ryan is a CIA agent who must protect his country and his freedom from evil Soviet threats using only his wits and high intellect amidst pressures from US government agents and…no, nevermind. Ubi Soft outright bought the rights to the Tom Clancy name and all properties within it, thus giving them free reign to create Tom Clancy strategy games, Tom Clancy aerial combat games, Tom Clancy’s Extreme Skateboarding, etc. Tom Clancy’s HAW-X takes the video game franchise that already strayed far aw...
1 out of 1 found this review helpful. -
How Tchaikovsky fought racism 0
AC/DC Live Rock Band Track Pack: An 18-track edition of Rock Band based on the Live at Donington album. Story : In the beginning back in 1955, man didn’t know about a rock ‘n roll or any of that jive for that matter. The white man had the schmaltz and the black man had the blues; no one knew what they were going to do but Tchaikovsky had the news! He said “Let there be sound” and there was sound. He then proclaimed “Let there be light” and there was indeed light. “Let there be drums” he screams...
2 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
Before America took the World Wildlife Fund seriously 0
Metroid : A popular NES platform/adventure game. One of the first games that could be called in adventure game in that there’s some sense of exploring/invading foreign territory. Story : Nintendo doesn’t view bounty hunters as the mulletarian white trash on television that hunts down pre-cast, harmless law breakers, or intergalactic, armoured villains awaiting a comic death. No, deceased producer Gumpei Yokei viewed bounty hunters are purveyors of justice! Samus Aran is ordered by the Galactic ...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
The Axl Rose of gaming. 0
Eat Lead : The Return of Matt Hazard : A Meta-third person Meta-cover-based Meta-shooter. Forgetting that Eat Lead is billed as a spoof of the video game industry, lets talk about the gameplay first. Your objective, more often than not, is to go from Point A to Point B in a level and shoot…well most of the enemies that move. If the chance to run by an enemy presented itself, I sure as hell took it. The game has a cover mechanic akin to Gears of War, but it’s certainly not as well thought out as...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Slow and steady gets your ass kicked. 0
Well it’s been awhile since I’ve done a Wii Virtual Console review. So my first 2009 old game review is for…Castlevania 3 : The second good Castlevania game on the NES. Story : One gets the impression that Konami was attempting to be more “cinematic” with Castlevania 3, being that the opening title screen starts with an 8-bit screen of a film reel streaming along. The game starts with the Simon Belmont sprite mourning over the grave of what I thought to be his dearly departed guinea pig and vowi...
0 out of 1 found this review helpful. -
Does whatever a Man can 0
Deadly Creatures: A game about a scorpion and a spider, the type of alliance you’d normally only see in comics when the writer is running out of ideas.Story : Dennis Hopper and Billy Bob Thornton lend their voices to a pair of hillbillies looking for treasure in the desert. Except you’re not playing as Dennis Hopper and Billy Bob Thornton, you’re playing as a tarantula and a scorpion, who’s own paths in life only briefly intersect with that of said hicks. It’s akin to a documentary having a poin...
2 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
Thrillhouse! (Or another flavour of the month shooter) 0
Killzone 2 : Stop me when you’ve heard this pitch before. Imagine a first person shooter where you play as bulky space marines battling evil invaders. The kids will totally eat it up. Story : You play as “Sev”, part of a troop of marines on a mission to invade the enemy homeworld and capture their leader. The enemy is the “Helghast”, a literal army of British Darth Vaders with machine guns. It’s as if someone asked the designers to come up with the most evil concept design for armoured enemy sol...
2 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
Sexually repressed 0
Arcana Heart: An all-school girl anime fighting game! Story : A rich, Dennis Rodman-like figure buys an island and invites all of the female fighters together to contests of bikini-clad volleyball and relax in the sun while the player watches and…okay not quite. There’s something about inter-dimensional disturbances and gods and evils and school girls fighting to stop it and I’m not really sure whatsoever what the story behind Arcana Heart really is. Usually, the more a fighting game tries to i...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Fei Long, the hot blooded : Filming a Super Action Movie 0
Gonna burn some muscle. Street Fighter 4: A BRAND NEW Street Fighter video game. That’s right, not a “Turbo Edition” of an existing one, not a crossover fighter with SNK or someone else with reused sprites from 1996, a brand new actual fighting game, and you can even unlock Sheng Long, the fighter EGM magazine made up for an April Fools joke back in 1992. Proof positive that a fly stepped on in prehistoric ages will have huge ramifications in the future. Story : Street Fighter 4 takes place aft...
2 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
Featuring Sega's Best non-Valkyrian games 1
So the first 2009 release that I review is going to be a bunch of old games! Sonic’s Ultimate Genesis Collection: A really big compilation of Sega Genesis games. Story: Once apon a time, Sega mattered in the same way that In Living Color mattered. Names like Sonic and Golden Axe were once meaningful to a young, badditude-loving generation of aspiring Bart Simpsons and Jonathon Taylor Thomases before they were butchered, maimed and turned into werewolves, and the ratio of good to bad Sega games ...
3 out of 3 found this review helpful. -
"This is only a tribute" 1
New Super Mario Bros: A two-dimensional side scroller in the vein of…Mario Bros. Story : A dystopian tale of love and loss, examining the inner workings of the human psyche under extreme duress in an age of industrial crisis. Just kidding, Princess gets kidnapped. Though in a sign that this is one of the less important Mario games, it’s Baby Bowser and not full-grown ordinary Bowser that you’ll chase after. I will say this; it’s nice to have a game that doesn’t start with 5 minute introductory c...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
If Art Imitates Life, then Halo must be Life 0
Resistance 2 : The First Person Shooter of the Month! In particular, Sony’s fifth or sixth-odd attempt at mimicking Halo, including all the Killzones and Hazes of the world. Story : Why it’s the ever popular Humans versus Aliens! Actually I’m not quite too sure what these “Chimera” are supposed to be. Are they’re alien invaders, a virus that infects humans, or a combination? That had to have gotten those spaceships and lasers somehow. The game’s explanation is a bit confusing and their backgrou...
1 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
The Barack Obama of gaming 0
Valkyria Chronicles: The shiny, big-eyed fantasy and magic version of World War 1. Story: So two fictitious nations in a fake version of are waging war over a fake non-renewable energy source. Along the way, Welkin, a teenage aspiring teacher with no military experience, gets involved with Alicia, a teenage aspiring trooper with slight military experience, and the two of them survive an assault on their hometown by the enemy. They are recruited into the army and are IMMEDIATELY appointed comma...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
A nation is only as strong as its people. 0
LittleBig Planet: The forerunner of the “Game 2.0” movement, a 2D sidescroller that allows the common man the power to create their own levels. Story : The supposed storyline existence behind the world of LittleBig Planet is that all stray bits of imagination from human minds floats up and condenses in space as part of this giant planet. I know this to be a lie, judging by the lack of breasts in LittleBig Planet. Calling the “Story” mode of LittleBig Planet a “Story” mode is the second lie this...
1 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
The Coors Light Offroad Sex Party Power Team! 0
Motorstorm : Pacific Rift : An offroad racing game. Yep. An offroad racing game is Motorstorm Pacific Rift. Story : There doesn’t seem to be a storyline, so lets invent one. The Coors Light Offroad Sex Party Power Team is throwing their latest mystery party contest (the ones that are always on commercials and boxes every season) at an island in the Pacific for a weekend of intervehichle offroad racing excitement and worry-free sex when the evil Dr Von Nofunhowser arrived, threatening to ruin th...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Absolution and Impotence (Or the end of the conspiracy era) 0
Metal Gear Solid 4 : Guns of the Patriots: The supposedly FINAL rendition of one of the most popular and bat**** insane franchises in the history of the industry. Story : Here’s something to think about. Guns of the Patriots is the first Metal Gear game in about ten years where you actually play as Solid Snake. Yes, after ten years of having Solid Snake dangled in front of us, only to be baited and switched into playing the rest of the game as a more androgynous blonde cretin, or tricked into p...
2 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
Can't repair a dismembered heart 0
Dead Space : EA’s brand new Survival-Horror franchise. That statement feels like a lie. Story : Dumb. Okay the story of Dead Space is that you’re on some kind of mission to go to this spaceship. You and your dim-witted crew discover that everyone’s been slaughtered by some kind of monstrous species and now must find a means to survive. The first thing I noticed about Dead Space is that the voice-acting is bad (and not in that Resident Evil hilariously bad way but just bad), the characters are u...
1 out of 3 found this review helpful. -
Dare to be Stupid 0
Sega Superstar Tennis : It’s a tennis game with assorted Sega characters. Or at least the Dreamcast-era Sega characters. Story : I don’t think there is much of a story here other than the story of a bunch of big-eyed cartoon characters getting together to play tennis. Okay, here’s a storyline, one executive at Sega says to another “hey! Nintendo makes tennis games with their franchise characters. We already make tennis games. Lets make a tennis game with our franchise characters!” Who says Sega ...
1 out of 1 found this review helpful. -
Baby's first radiation poisoning. 0
Fallout 3 : Oblivion-developer ’s open world post-nuclear apocalyptic RPG thingy, combining dread and depression with a smiling 50s cartoon character! Story : The character creation system and tutorial are not-so-subtly tied into your character’s birth and upbringing, within a giant Vault that’s been shut of from the rest of the world. When you’re father (voiced by Liam Neeson and why not?) suddenly escapes, all hell breaks loose and you escape the Vault and into the desecrated remains of a pos...
3 out of 3 found this review helpful. -
High Fantasy meets Erotic Fantasy 0
Battle Fantasia : A Cel-shaded, medieval fighting game from Ark System Works, whom are famous for a very wonderfully obscene franchise.Story : So there was this massive evil force, some kind of black-armoured embodiment of all things diabolical, and all the races in this mystical kingdom united to trap him in what looks like some giant volcano. However, evil stirs once more and…well this sounds familiar. Well they’re about 7-50 years too late depending on which adaptation we’re talking about, bu...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Attention Deficit Disorder gets its game. 0
Rayman Raving Rabbids TV Party : A mini-game compilation on the Wii. Surprise surpise. Story : I guess, it consists of a bunch of neurotic rabbits discovering the joy of television and living vicariously through their favorite brain-rotting programs. Most of the parodies are really clever, and everything from the channel logo-flourishes to the Happy Tree Friends-esque cutscenes involving the Rabbids breaking out of jail or whatnot provide plenty of beer-belly laughs. As for Rayman, if the once i...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
This game has many intangibles that make it special. 0
Prince of Persia : …you know how it’s become trendy in Hollywood to “reboot” franchises, throw away all the backstory from the previous (and usually bad) sequels and start fresh? Batman did it, James Bond did it, Star Trek is going to do it, The Incredible Hulk did it after only one bad movie, and now we have a video game in Prince of Persia, which ignores the Sands of Time trilogy or all of the quick death traps of the original game and starts anew. Oh, it’s an action platformer by the way.Stor...
5 out of 5 found this review helpful. -
Will recommend insurance to the player. 0
Mirror’s Edge : A first person RUNNING game from Electronic Arts and Battlefield 1942-developer Dice. Story : So evil corporations are ruling and oppressing the masses with their…well they’re evil alright, and whatever makes then so evil is enough to warrant a group of “runners” who leap across rooftops to give each other information that this evil corporation doesn’t want you to know about. Plot develops into some kind of not-really-well-explained conspiracy involving protagonist Faith’s sister...
1 out of 1 found this review helpful. -
Nothing screams "paying tribute" like NAZI ZOMBIES 0
Call of Duty : World At War : A World War 2 first person shooter developed by Treyarch, and using the gameplay engine from Infinity Ward’s Call of Duty 4 : Modern Warfare (as well as their boxart design, I guess.) Story : The missions generally fall under two separate, largely unrelated storylines, involving the Americans attacking the Japanese and the Russian invasion of Berlin. Between missions, there are these over-stylized cutscenes that attempt to explain the context of each mission, splici...
1 out of 1 found this review helpful. -
Embraces the challenge of making symbiotes boring 0
Spiderman : Web of Shadows : An original Spiderman action-adventure game…essentially what we’re getting in the absence of a Spiderman movie for Activision to try to cash in on. They even managed to shoehorn Wolverine in the game (right on the front box) to squeeze out some extra dollars. Story : In what could very well be filed under the most typical form of fan-fiction, Venom is unleashing an army of self-produced symbiotes. There’s a really melodramatic sequence at the beginning of the game wh...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Incredibly and painfully average 0
Quantum of Solace : A first person shooter based on the recent James Bond movie and powered by the Call of Duty 4 engine. Story : Like most video game tie-ins, the story in the Quantum of Solace video game is a random mishmash of plot points from the movie tied together in a way that’s nothing short of incoherent unless you’ve seen the movie(s) that it’s based on. This game in particular goes an extra mile (or should I say cuts off an extra mile) by not even rendering cutscenes acted out by the ...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
The butterfly effect means nothing 0
Chrono Trigger DS : An altered rendition of the celebrated 1995 Super Nintendo RPG. Story : An ordinary, silent joe who just happens to be a sword expert named Chrono (or whatever you’d like to name him, as most text-based RPGs of the time let you name the characters after any profanity you choose) gets involved in his best friend’s experiment gone awry, and their mishap evolves into a quest that involves traveling through time, having no regards for altering the course of history and aiming to ...
1 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
Smackdown returns to a state of being...decent! 0
Here's the incredible sales pitch that pushed me over the edge and made me purchase...WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2009 : THQ’s annual loved and hated WWE wrestling game release. Story : For wrestling fans, 2008 will go down as the year Chris Jericho carried an entire show on his shoulders, Mike Adamle stumbled his way to the top and thus proving that talent is nary rewarded, Edge went to hell and nobody raised any questions, the year everyone but jokesters forgot that a wrestler killed his family and ...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Street Fighter gets more adjectives in its title 0
Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo HD Remix : The latest update to Street Fighter 2. That’s right, it’s 2008 and there’s yet ANOTHER re-release of Street Fighter 2. Story : Well, I guess Street Fighter 2 set the standard back in its’ heyday, of fighting games having incredibly cheesy storylines. The core of the story is that there’s an evil superpowered dictator and to get to him, you’re going to have to beat up an assortment of colourful characters that are going to come across as completely bizarre ...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
The normal man's Gears. 0
Gears of War 2: The more heterosexual Gear-named franchise.Story : Surprise Surprise, it’s humans versus aliens! Or mutants, or some kind of grotesque monster that happens to speak English and have mastery over human guns. This new game’s plot elements include one squadmate’s missing wife, a city that is supposedly humanity’s last refuge, another enemy leader whom ranks above the enemy you killed in the first game that you mistook for the leader of the group of monsters you thought you rendered ...
2 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
Castlevandrogyny 2
Castlevania : Judgement : A fighting game comprising of assorted Castlevania characters. An odd concept, to be sure, considering that most people can only name about 2 or 3 actual Castlevania characters.Story : Judgment uses an old cliché of Saturday morning cartoons and comics, bringing in some kind of all-powerful being from another dimension to unite characters from different fictions together for a battle. This figure in question is predictably enigmatic, but he also looks like a cross betwe...
1 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
Nintendo calls you stupid again 1
Wii Music : Apparantly, the next big thing.Story : No story applicable. Other than “this game was a freaking joke when it was presented at E3 in all it’s hairy glory.” But despite all that, Nintendo continued to proclaim that this was their big holiday game of 2008. Wii Music was going to follow in the footsteps of the absurdly popular Wii Sports, Wii Play and Wii Fit, whether we liked it or not. Well, the former two only became such unusual hits because of how they were bundled with hardware an...
1 out of 3 found this review helpful. -
Reviewing [Castlevania : Order of Ecclesia] 1
[Castlevania : Order of Ecclesia] : The latest attempt at a modern day Symphony. Story : [Castlevania : Order of Ecclesia] is based around a young woman named [Shanoa] who was chosen to bear some kind of almighty power capable of bringing down [Dracula], only for fellow cult-mate [Albus] to steal the power for himself, forcing [Shanoa] to go after him. There’s a good twist or two here and there but the overall story in [Castlevania : Order of Ecclesia] is by and large predictable. You know you’r...
2 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
Magic pencil trick 0
Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe : A fighting game featuring characters from both the Mortal Kombat fighting game and DC comic book franchises, in a combination that could only make sense to fellow gamers who’ve seen Capcom do it before with Street Fighter and Marvel. For all intents and purposes, all of the franchises involved are being riding on the coattails of The Dark Knight, as evident by Batman’s prominent appearance on the box art over actual DC mascot Superman. Story : …will sound very fami...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Vicariously moonwalking 0
Guitar Hero : World Tour : The latest installment in the inanely popular musical rhythm game, expanding the range of playable plastic instruments to include plastic drums and USB microphone singing. Story : The in-game story is just the usual bits about cartoon musicians going from a garage to the big time. The out of game story is the one people seem be enamored with; original Guitar Hero developers Harmonix were bought out by MTV and ditched the franchise to produce Rock Band, leaving the deve...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
It's too...BIG 1
Far Cry 2 : A supposed open-world first person shooter that lets the player go anywhere and betray anyone, because these are the aspects that appeal to players apparently. Story : The game makes you choose one of 8-odd playable characters, with no discernable difference between any of them other than appearance…which doesn’t mean anything either considering how you are playing a FIRST PERSON shooter. The goal of your mercenary is to hunt down a fellow known as The Jackal, who’s been giving both ...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Sex for puzzle solving. 0
So if you’ve been around me and my DS sometime within the last month or so, I’ve probably subjected you to a series of unusual and frustrating puzzles. You may be surprised to know that the source of these puzzles is a video game known as…Professor Layton and the Curious Village : …and to us existing fans of the game, lets all stop kidding ourselves and acknowledge this game for what it is; a mini-game compilation, not unlike the dozens and dozens of mini-game compilations that pollute the Ninte...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Forget about the ghetto and rap for the pop charts 0
Saint’s Row 2 : An open world gangsta game that’s flakin' and perpetratinBut scared to kick reality.Story : After some kind of explosion from the first game, your character wakes up in a prison hospital, and doctors must rejuvenate you using the game’s character creator. (I’m sure it’s coincidence this very same aspect of gameplay appears in TNA Impact the video game, but developers and people in general should try to avoid having anything in common with TNA Impact, both the game and show.) More...
0 out of 1 found this review helpful. -
:) 0
Earthworm Jim : A 16-bit platformer from Dave Perry and Doug TenNepal and a developer called Shiny Entertainment, all of which are only famous for making…well, Earthworm Jim.Story : Here’s as good a synopsis as any. It’s your typical scenario with games of the day where the only way to understand the story is to read either the back of the box or the manual, as the game itself had no form of dialogue or storytelling, (other than the story of one cow’s journey.) Come to think of it, I kind of wis...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Nintendo calls you stupid 0
Brain Age : Train Your Brain in Minutes A Day : The solution to a problem you don’t have.Story : Brain Age is based on the ideas of Dr. Ryutu Kawashima, working with the idea that doing certain math, visual and memory problems on a routine basis will improve your brain…somehow. As you age, your brain may become dull, old, unfocused. By playing Brain Age, you can keep your brain sharp, clear and young. Also, be sure to drink plenty of pomegranate juice as it helps to flush out the toxins in your ...
1 out of 1 found this review helpful.
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