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5 (28) 4 (138) 3 (48) 2 (7) 1 (6) 3.8 starsAverage score of 227 user reviews
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Does whatever a Kratos can 2
So many comic book characters have been around for so long that they have undergone numerous reboots and reinventions in the name of relevance. (Or in the name of creating an excuse to retell the Green Goblin murdering Peter Parker’s love interest storyline again and again.) Shattered Dimensions purports to combine the characters from various reboots in an unlikely crossover, and why not? I know I would love to see calloused, middle-aged and drunk Batman from The Dark Knight Returns team...
1 out of 3 found this review helpful. -
M for Mysogyny. 0
I’d like to take a second to prove something. Remember how great Ninja Gaiden on the Xbox was? Remember the plot to Ninja Gaiden on the Xbox? No? Point proven. I feel like Team Ninja has had this problem for years, where they spend many hundreds of thousands of dollars developing elaborately spectacular cutscenes of strong visual quality, but with poor writing, voice-acting, logic, respect for women and other issues. Then I wonder: Why not just save millions of yen and not bother with those newf...
3 out of 5 found this review helpful. -
Untitled (the original title for this review was pretty crass) 0
So I was in the Best Buy parking lot talking with my brother about things that brothers are want to talk about. Important issues included women, cell phones, the revelation of a secret mission in Starcraft 2 whose existence completely invalidates my Starcraft 2 review for some reason. And why I haven’t played Starcraft 2 online in several weeks. Avoiding the real reason (because I suck at using supply depots to block entrances to my base), I suggested the reason was to move on to other games, li...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Cross-promotional Greater Toronto Ransom 1
First, some cleaning notes. I had twice planned to see the Scott Pilgrim Versus the World movie over this weekend but my friend twice vanished on me. Maybe things work a little differently in her native Mississauga, but where I come from, you try not to agree to see a movie the same day as your brother’s big birthday party. I don’t know. Fortunately I was in Toronto at the time and there’s never not something interesting to do in Toronto. Tribute to the ever popular Doki Dori Panic Which ...
5 out of 5 found this review helpful. -
Teach a man to fish... 0
There exists an impenetrable wall, 52 1/3 feet tall, that keeps me from figuring out sports games. I can’t quite comprehend the wall’s existence, or who built the wall (probably John Madden himself), but I know that this wall doesn’t let me function well at simulation sports games. I’ll admit that I am not much of an expert on sports that don’t involve shirtless men holding each other’s bodies, and that I can quickly list all the things I know about football right about now. -Ben Roethlisberger...
3 out of 4 found this review helpful. -
Post-apocalyptic future night's alright for fighting 0
The Summer of Arcade has certainly simmered down, as there exists a real lack of excitement over the impending releases in my mind. Maybe we peaked early with the semi-avant-garde Limbo, and are now reduced to retreading of old material. Take the redux of an 11 year old arcade boat racing game, or the bizarre repackaging of assets from the last 13 years of Castlevania games, or the return of 14 year old Lara Croft, who should have sagging chesticles at this point in her career. And what does it ...
3 out of 4 found this review helpful. -
Overdosing on loot and Somas (Cruz) 0
I’ve spent the last few days indulging in Harmony of Despair and I’m still not exactly certain what exactly Harmony of Despair is trying to be. Is it supposed to be a Diablonian gear-driven fire sale? A co-op adventure where players are made to work together to reach a common, anti-vampire goal? A developer trying to showcase as much low-resolution art on a single screen as humanly possble? An attempt to fill my heart with as much despair as humanly possible? A harmony of desperate guitar riffs?...
6 out of 8 found this review helpful. -
The Fabulous Freebirds 0
Maybe my brain functions a little differently from the rest of the world, but I always find the hardest part of writing reviews to be the introductory paragraph. I know what I don’t want to do with my beginning and go into the usual spiel of “it’s been a long time coming, the sequel to the all time great strategy game is here” because quite frankly, everyone starts their Starcraft 2 review like that. (And I wish people would stop quoting the Tychus Findley “Hell, it’s about time” cutscene.) So...
6 out of 7 found this review helpful. -
Revenge power fantasy arcade machine sex 0
Here is a common scenario that aspiring electronic video gamers can look forward to upon booting up Bayonetta. The player, a leather-clad witch of abnormal height, will leap across the screen doing battle with angelic monsters. You will fire guns strapped to your arms and legs and batter enemies with giant fists and legs manifested from your hair. Your hair also doubles as the material for your clothing, so the more elaborate your attacks, the more skin is revealed. You can also spank your enemi...
2 out of 3 found this review helpful. -
Your mind is the scene of the crime. 0
Inception is a 2010 movie directed by Christopher Nolan (most famous for the 2002 film Insomnia, of course) with Leonardo DiCaprio and a band of dream invaders. They’re on a mission to…and you should probably skip this one paragraph if you haven’t seen the film yet, and you should perhaps be disappointed in yourself if you haven’t. Well they enter the dreams of the rich heir (Cillian Scarecrow), and then enter the dream rich heir Cillian Scarecrow’s dream in the dream world, and then enter the ...
8 out of 11 found this review helpful. -
The power of love, motherfuckers! 0
Braid was a 2008 release starring a self-loathing British stalker capable of using the powers of Shame and Regret to manipulate time in unsavory fashions. All of this may or may not have been a metaphor for the atomic bomb, or the destructive nature of human obsession, or something completely unrelated. It had the right kind of ambition of boosting the games-as-art argument, but the problem was that the developer (all one of them?) knew this. So they (he?) took every chance possible to preach an...
5 out of 5 found this review helpful. -
For all of paddlekind. 0
Being that the calendar for July comprises of such hotly anticipated storewide releases as “Starcraft 2” and “jack all else”, I figure that now is a good time to redirect my attention to the downloadable market. I had originally felt like I was missing out on some unique experiences and concepts, but aside from some business involving flowers and cats shooting yetis, not really. The same kind of marketing one-upmanship that Sony and Microsoft continually engages in happens on the online realm to...
4 out of 4 found this review helpful. -
Will somebody think of the children? No? Okay. 5
Deathspank flows through the system like a combination of mixed drugs. It’s a video game speedball; the mixture of coke and heroine that killed your favorite actors and musicians. In my case, the injection of Deathspank caused heart failure to my social life, diet and exercise routine. Or at least it did for all of 12 hours between first downloading the game and now. I am kind of astonished that I finished it at such a quick pace, survived and was eager to write the review so soon. If anything, ...
30 out of 32 found this review helpful. -
Something that eats you without trying to kill or arouse you. 0
There’s a great irony about the idea behind the sandbox genre. The whole term “sandbox game” originates from the idea that games are a synonym for a sandbox filled with sand and toys and things that a child can fiddle with to suit their imagination. The term “sandbox game” is incredibly ironic because most every sandbox game involves playing with things a little kid shouldn’t be playing with; in particular the lives of others. The “toys” in most sandbox game includes guns to murder people with, ...
3 out of 3 found this review helpful. -
Snot and farts in High Definition 0
Earthworm Jim was definitely one of those concepts that you had to be around at the time to appreciate. Back in 1994, all you needed to dazzle people was a fluid animation of a character climbing a ledge for people to think your production was the real deal. Who cares if there’s a lack of cohesion within the universe’s design; look at the way light shimmers off your gun! And maybe Earthworm Jim was a token case of graphics over gameplay. I loved this franchise as a youngin. The cartoon was vastl...
2 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
The world as ruled by the almighty dice roll. 0
I guess if you were going to update any board game for the console market, it may as well be Risk. It’s not that online renditions of Kerplunk or Hungry Hungry Hippos couldn’t work (actually, they probably wouldn’t), it’s just that Risk is already a game about war and console gamers love games about war many times more than the soldiers actually fighting wars. Thus, the changes that turned Risk into Risk: Factions at least feels like a logical progression. Inversely, a video game adaptation of M...
4 out of 4 found this review helpful. -
Rural Evil 4 0
I don’t know what to make of Alan Wake as a novelist. His writings, while fairly manageable to comprehend, seem indescript, ridden with clichés. I have a feeling that my former Creative Writing teacher would probably rip the pretentious drunk to shreds if he ever took a glance at his works. However, the game does make allusions to a series of “Alex Casey” books starring a presumably dashing male lead hero. This suggests that Alan Wake is intended to be a straight-to-drugstore novelist, the Dan B...
6 out of 7 found this review helpful. -
Megatron takes an anti-life stance 0
So I vaguely remember that last year, I thinking that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was not half-bad. Before you shut the monitor off in disgust and declare me the world’s biggest nitwit failure of a life form, know that I’m talking about the video game, not the 150 minute disaster of a movie. While the campaign was a waste of data and the controls were more unorthodox than people who pull their pants down to use the urinal, the multiplayer options were rather novel. It was akin to Grand T...
10 out of 11 found this review helpful. -
The end level boss Comeback Tour continues 0
It’s almost an authentic feel-good story. The original Sin and Punishment, never officially released in North America, becoming an underground favorite amongst importers and people making more cash than me. By popular demand (I presume popular demand anyways) the game was finally released via Wii Virtual Console and becomes a big enough smash that the original developers get the thumbs up for an internationally-released sequel. The only reason I don’t shed tears of joy over this inspirational jo...
6 out of 7 found this review helpful. -
Kratos thrusts his white cock into the world's ass 0
Previously on God of War, things passed away. That’s as apt a summation of the series as I can think of. Greek mythology, when not toned down for Saturday afternoon children’s cartoons or big budget crapfests starring Sam Worthington, are more about blood and guts than anything else. (Well, anything short of explaining phenomenon which primitive Greek science could not. Forget ion charges inside clouds, lightning occurs because an angry bearded man throws them out of his hands.) So God of War g...
6 out of 8 found this review helpful. -
Why you never give the people what they claim to want 5
So there’s this young, scrapping lad with modest beginnings. He comes from some kind of small village, possibly located in the woods. If he doesn’t already have an affinity for green garb, he’ll be toting a bright tunic and pointed hat soon. He’s not much a person for words but he’s mighty courageous, on default of people telling him he is “the hero of destiny.” He’s going to rescue a princess that he may or may not have any prior connection to, from the semi-stereotype that is an evil Persian s...
9 out of 11 found this review helpful. -
Mario back in the sky with diamonds 0
Previously, I had suggested that the secret to Super Mario Galaxy’s success was attributed to Nintendo programmers undergoing some extra-curricular activities. After all, who but the users of the most hallucinogenic medicine could conjure up such wonderfully bizarre level concepts as the haunted house in space, or the race track in the sky comprised of floating water? It appears that Mario Galaxy’s commercial success was enough for EAD to score another stash of LCD and commit to a second drug ...
11 out of 13 found this review helpful. -
Mario in the sky with diamonds 0
For the longest time, it seemed like something was amiss from Mario games. I would argue that it has been at least a decade since this “it factor” vanished. The product of this missing “it factor” was soulless gimmick titles like Luigi’s Mansion and Mario Sunshine. For awhile it seemed like Nintendo acknowledged this too, with shameless reaches at nostalgia like New Super Mario Bros and Yoshi’s 2. These were titles struggling to recreate the magic of better games by imitating them, step by s...
5 out of 5 found this review helpful. -
What'cha gonna do when the hero of destiny runs wild on you? 0
I felt so hardcore buying 3D Dot Game Heroes. I walked into two different Gamestops, on three different occasions, asking for this title, and none of the store clerks ever heard of the name. My e-penis became quite erect at the prospect of buying a title so niche, so leet, so underground that even the full-time staff of a games store never heard of it. It was like I was sticking it to the man in supporting 3D Dot Game Heroes, despite being published by a big company (Atlus) on a console contr...
12 out of 12 found this review helpful. -
The video game debut and retirement of Kimbo Slice 3
Once upon a time there was a little boy in named Dana, and this boy had great dreams. “One day, I’m going to be the bravest bald man alive. And god do I hate that Tito kid!” So he worked, and struggled, and toiled, and knew some people who owned some casinos, and they bought a strange organization called Ultimate Fighting Championship. And through a combination of blood, sweat and tweets, he transformed this small haven of underground boring Royce Gracie fights to a mainstream epicenter of b...
15 out of 16 found this review helpful. -
No Country for Dumb Men 3
Red Dead Revolver was a modest action-shooter-game-thingy released on last generation’s consoles in 2004. I’d best describe it as an unorthodox spaghetti-western game with strange controls and a cast of cowboy archetypes that had the benefit of stylish load screens and trumpet-fueled music music. Red Dead Revolver is the non-sequel to 2010’s Red Dead Redemption, and quite frankly you will not hear the name of the former game in this text review again on account to how little in common the two...
15 out of 16 found this review helpful. -
How Final Fantasy 13 improved my life 2
Final Fantasy 13 has had a highly positive effect on my life. I found myself studying more diligently for finals, effectively boosting my grades to honour-roll levels. I spend more time exercising, socializing with friends and family, and dating a lovely lady (insert winking smiley face) thanks to Final Fantasy 13. The reason being that the disc for Final Fantasy 13 sits there, begging to be played, and the part of me that puts the guilt trip for spending $70 on the game is demanding I finis...
12 out of 13 found this review helpful. -
Considerably undercooked 2
It’s not morally ethical to mock death, it seems. Even if it sounds ridiculous to hear of someone passing on for licking a lightning rod, there’s still the tragedy that a human lost life, so I don’t know if I’m allowed to call out that person for the buffoon he was. Such is the predicament that comes when a game developer closes down before their game is released. It’s happened with Pandemic and The Saboteur, and now it’s happening with Sega’s San Francisco Studio and Iron Man 2. A lot of proba...
9 out of 10 found this review helpful. -
Like Street Fighter 4 but more super. Makes sense. 2
Super Street Fighter 4 is Street Fighter 4 with more characters and things. Review done, goodnight everybody. Truth be told, Super Street Fighter 4 is the kind of game where you can read the taglines and determine your purchase decision appropriately, without my input. There is no hidden swerve or game-breaking flaw here; the online play doesn’t have unbearable lag, the new characters are entertaining and accessible, and Ryu isn’t swapped out a quarter of the way through the game in favou...
45 out of 49 found this review helpful. -
Two strange tastes that taste strange together. 0
Final Fight: Double Impact is an unlikely combination of two arcade releases from the early 90s, bundled together in a nifty little $10 value package. Though it’s hard to not feel like there is a sense of shame in the advertising of this game, like they Capcom marketing team doesn’t want you to know that Magic Sword is included in the bundle. “In this great retro package, you get the legendary FINAL FIGHT and another game, vote Hagger for Mayor!” Odd. Which is a shame, as I liked Magic Sword...
14 out of 16 found this review helpful. -
Digital diaper changing. 0
All that is old is new again. A game comprised entirely of quick-time events (a concept that hasn’t been funky fly since Shenmue) combined with the hunt for a Jigsaw-like killer (imitating a movie that hasn’t been interesting since…well the first one), coupled with Resident Evil-like walking controls (which have never been cool.) Throw in the most daring attempt to climb the uncanny valley to date and you have a game that really, really should not have any claim to relevance in t...
70 out of 78 found this review helpful. -
The caves are filled with treasures of dialogue 0
I once knew an emotionally unstable young lady that was very much into anime conventions, the dress-up that comes with them, and fan-fiction. She was the kind of person that wrote volumes worth of fan-fiction for any number of Final Fantasys, animes I’ve never heard of, and at least two universes of her own creation. While did manage to secure all of three fans, she had that issue where her love of writing and the creating characters in her mind overwhelmed the need to edit. The end result we...
31 out of 35 found this review helpful. -
Mega Man battles the H1N1 pandemic 1
Mega Man 10 is a rather ironic release. Ironic in the sense that it’s the direct sequel to a game most known for abandoning every gameplay change, new plot direction and franchise reimagining done to the ever-stagnating Mega Man series in the last twenty years. And if Mega Man 9 is not only intended to be a nostalgic homage but the starting point of a new franchise, then it shouldn’t be long before the known world is fed up with the conservative direction of games like Mega Man 10. Soon peopl...
41 out of 42 found this review helpful. -
Trapped in purgatory 1
First and foremost, if you are an avid fan of The Divine Comedy, you are going to hate what EA has done to their Dante’s Inferno game. It is as blistered and altered and transformed from the original poem as you feared. I’ve joked before about video gamizing in the past, but Dante’s Inferno really raises the bar to downright sacrilegious levels. But if you avoid taking personal offense to how Dante’s Inferno butchers the legendary work that is The Divine Comedy (and for that matter, the legenda...
35 out of 35 found this review helpful. -
Bioshock 2:Bio Harder 0
Once upon a time there was a magical kingdom under the sea. All kinds of exotic jellyfish and coral reefs occupied this kingdom to greet the citizens, all of which had magical powers. The king of this land was a wise and charismatic leader with ambitions of utopia and addressing the pedophilia issue by protecting all daughters with hulking submarine monsters. These monsters, despite being fatherly figures in name, were unorthodox in their tendency to solve conflict by means of mining equipment...
60 out of 62 found this review helpful. -
Violence and the 2010 Olympics, part 2 0
God of War 2 is a lot like the Olympics, if you think about it for a second and no longer. There’s a decidedly Greek undertone, you have multiple nations going to war against each other (in this case, gods vs titans), there’s an overpriced musical score to accompany it, and there’s a torch or two involved. Of course, there are differences, too. One uses torches are part of tradition while the other uses them to charcoal the living. One costs the player $60 at launch while the other costs a ci...
20 out of 22 found this review helpful. -
Violence and the 2010 Olympics 0
The 2010 Winter Olympics are underway, and citizens of the world are indulged in the spirit of patriotism and hope for their nation’s athletes. Canadians from far and wide have been purchasing those snuggly red Olympic mittens to warm their hands and hearts with the excitement of hosting an event as prestigious as the games. But underneath the tradition and energy of the Olympic events lies a path of destruction. The IOC has developed a reputation for plundering every city they enter, generat...
28 out of 28 found this review helpful. -
The most sexually comfortable game ever made. 3
No More Heroes was Suda51’s love letter to himself. Here was a game starring a selfish and flawed hero with interests in pedophiliac anime, Mexican Lucha Libre, Star Wars and his pet cat. He engaged in a ranking war with assassins (that are never seen assassinating anyone but their fellow kind) and his motivations can best be summed up as “he is a male with a penis.” Call it self-indulgent but there was something very refreshing about No More Heroes’ non-conformist style. In a world rife with...
40 out of 41 found this review helpful. -
Cracking over time 0
Back in the 2002 action platformer Ratchet and Clank, it was revealed that the lovable dorkbot Clank was created in a robot war machine factory. Clank got ejected from that place and wound up becoming BFFs with the furry toughguy Ratchet, and later thwarted Clank’s robot mechanical brothers to neatly wrap up that story arc. But developers Insomniac were jonesing to create an origin story that could span three games, where Clank has some kind of important fate within the grand scheme of the uni...
27 out of 31 found this review helpful. -
Some kind of monster 0
Demon’s Souls is a game that pushes the boundaries of one’s patience. In fact, scratch that. It doesn’t push the boundaries, it pancakes the boundaries with a monster truck dressed in decal patterned after its box art. And the driver of the truck is the villain from ’s World; the one that envisions an arcade game where players cannot defeat the blob, but will invest hundreds of quarters to figure out how anyways. Demon’s Souls is the kind of game that gets parodied on a show like The Simpsons...
36 out of 36 found this review helpful.
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