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E3 predictions, now with more bacon!

By Dalai May 25, 2011 15 Comments

Now with more E's!

Well this is highly unusual. It's been almost a month since I've blogged about anything and so much has happened this month. We had Judgment Day... that was quite a day, right? The multiple 10.0 earthquakes, the giant asteroid that destroyed France, the Baconalia, the futuristic cyborgs, and the rivers of blood... oh the rivers of blood! The cleanup was difficult, but we pulled together and managed to survive. Nice work, planet Earth. And Sarah Connor.

Anyway, there's an E3 coming up in this post-rapture future and I think it's time to embarrass myself with some predictions as to what the video game industry will throw at us to see what sticks next. We know there's at least one new Nintendo console to be farted out, one new Sony handheld to be spewed out, and games games GAMES! So let's cut to the chase and predict away, me!

Project Cafe shown, hardcore game porn, minds blown.

Not actual size or console.

Nintendo's very own Iwata, Satoru Iwata, has been on the record commenting about the Wii's shortcomings including its lackluster online service and its stubbornness to work with others. I think they learned valuable lesson with the Wii and despite its success with a significant population of casual fitness enthusiasts and people who want to just dance, just relying on them and lifelong Nintendo fans won't be enough this time now that Sony and Microsoft have copy/pasted their motion control strategy. That's why I think Nintendo is going to reach out to us, the Giant Bomb community, and make a console a bit more appealing to our collective tastes. That doesn't mean Nintendo itself is going to start making first-person shooters, but maybe we'll see more 3rd party support in that department. I predict Project Cafe will be a much more powerful system than anything else on the console market and will feature many of the bells and whistles we have become accustomed to on other systems like a more robust online presence, some type of achievement system, HD technology, a more traditional controller to complement the Wii Remote, and a fairly large hard drive... at least 120GB, maybe bigger if they're smart. So yes, I think Nintendo is getting back in the hardware race and dragging us along with it for now.

Microsoft whips up something really quick, closes with an Xbox 360 successor announcement.

We aren't expecting Microsoft or Sony to come out with new hardware for at least another 2 or 3 years as they're pushing their 10-year cycle initiative, but I don't think Microsoft wants to play second fiddle to Nintendo this year, especially now that they're gaining some momentum with Kinect. Oh they will show lots of Kinect stuff, but at the end of it all, they'll be a short 2 minute video with something pertaining to the next Xbox system. It won't really explain anything other than its existence, but we'll all be speculating from that point until the next E3.

Grand Theft Auto V will be announced, Vice City revisited.

Not actual logo... yet.

It's been 3 years since Grand Theft Auto IV and even though Rockstar has been hard at work shedding it's image as a one-trick pony with Red Dead Redemption and L.A. Noire being as awesome as they are lucrative, Grand Theft Auto brings in Scrooge McDuck money. And so Rockstar will give us a Grand Theft Auto V teaser and a projected release date of 2012. Also, you'll see Vice City in all its glory. Neon lights, ladies in bikinis, and other stuff you might see in Rockstar's version of Miami Beach. We might even get to see the next protagonist doing what they do best, shooting dudes and running over innocent pedestrians, but this time with that fancy L.A. Noire facial tech. One final note: Grand Theft Auto V will be available of 360, PS3, PC, and Project Cafe. Yes, I'm totally going there.

But wait, there's more! Sequels that is.

Assassin's Creed III, Borderlands 2, Final Fantasy XV, Fallout 4, and maybe something Halo related? We're already saturated with sequels and if I know the video game industry, there will be many more than I mentioned. Personally I'm hoping for a SimCity sequel (as I do every year) and No More Heroes 3 for Project Cafe, but I'm satisfied with all the sequels announced already. Zelda is still a 2011 game and Mass Effect 3, Darksiders 2, and Bioshock Infinite will hurt my wallet next year. But yeah, those 4 still fictional titles I mentioned in the beginning of this paragraph, I believe they will be official at E3. Assassin's Creed III should fall in line with the typical franchise timeline so that game is to be expected. Borderlands 2 will likely be there despite Pitchford's denials. Final Fantasy XV... going out on a limb here, but this might be damage control for its fumbling of Final Fantasy XIV. Fallout 4? I'm just pulling that one out of my ass, really. Bethesda is busy with Skyrim and Fallout: New Vegas is still pretty fresh so that's my longshot pick of the week.

Sony won't be the only one with a new handheld gaming device at E3.

Gizmondo, we hardly got to touch your sticky balls.

We see this every so often. An electronics company other than Sony and Nintendo will announce a new handheld at E3. Do you guys remember the Panasonic Jungle? Okay that wasn't announced at E3, but just bear with me here. Every few years, somebody believes they can make a portable console that can be part game console, part internet browser, part GPS device/panini maker and we're due for another failed attempt to crack the handheld market. I'll take a wild guess and say... Philips. Yep, the CDi peoples. They're way overdue.

No more meme-worthy quotes from drunk Leigh Alexander.

After two consecutive years of making an ass out of herself, she will attempt to be on her best behavior for reals this time.

And don't expect this to make a comeback during the E3 podcasts.

And that will be E3.

And my apologies for the lack of bacon.

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