4 Days
By JasonR86 3 Comments
Four days clean from alcohol today. This is the second time I've tried to quit. The first time I felt like I was on cloud nine. It was fucking great. But then an event occurred at my job and it all went out the window. I had to make a decision whether or not a person was going to be hospitalized or not. This person was clearly suicidal but the danger was not imminent enough to warrant a 72 hour stay. The plan was vague and poorly thought out, there were no means available to carry out the plan, and the intention to commit suicide only occurred when the person was drunk. The intricacies of the plan couldn't have been carried out while drunk even if the means were there to carry the plan out which they weren't. So I created a gigantic plan for this person outside of going to the hospital. There were contingency plans for when the person was suicidal, drunk, or both. There was a commitment to safety. Everything was fine legally and morally. I even consulted with another therapist before I let the person leave the office just to double check my logic. My ass and conscious was covered. But I was still stressed. I thought that when I came back to the office the message machine would be from my client's friends or relatives and I would have had heard about her death. I was sick but I had no reason to be. The burden of being a lightening rod for pain and suffering I guess.
So my solution to deal with this stress was to follow an old formula. I got drunk. I figured I'd been clean a week and had earned the right to relieve the tension I had built up. I'd earned it right? So I got fucked up. I followed the same pattern I always follow. I started out by drinking with others. That turned to drinking by myself. Then drinking while smoking some cigarettes I had stolen from my roommate. Then I felt dumb for lighting up the cigarette and for drinking as much as I had so I threw the cigarettes out and dumped my 20-ish beer of the night, walked back inside, and passed out. The next morning I was hung over, grumpy, feeling like I had just let myself down, and went back to drinking because I pitied myself and the predicament I had put myself in.
Well I'm four days clean again. I'm not on cloud nine. But I guess that didn't help me much last time did it? I don't feel shitty though. I don't feel anything. My mind is just resting in my skull. It isn't numb and it doesn't hurt. It's just there. My eyes though. They are finding all the liquor in the house. The thing is I could get drunk five times over and keep drinking. There's that much beer and wine in the house. I could drink and drink and drink and there would be no real consequences. I could do my job. My family needs me too much to tell me to stop. Plus they're too nice. This whole “I'm done drinking” thing started because, at a family gathering, I got shit-faced. Very, very shit-faced. Passing out shit-faced. Secretly I might add. I was drinking out of my truck away from prying eyes. Everyone knew. Everyone had to know. I come from a nice, wholesome, whiter-than-white family who wouldn't know a joint from a cigarette but they aren't blind. I was falling over myself. I was a joke. Hence the need to better myself. But I haven't heard a thing about this from anyone. I'm essentially a black-sheep so to speak. But a black-sheep no one wants to acknowledge. So there's no consequences from my family. There's no consequences from my work. So why the fuck would I change?
I guess I think I'm better than that. I'm better than relying on something other then myself to improve my life or how I feel. I should be able to make myself better without making myself shit-faced at the same time. Plus, this blog just might keep me honest. If you're reading this then you are bored and checking out my profile because I'm not going to sync this with the main forums. This is just for me. But, if you want, you can read too.
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