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A Randomized Link to the Past - Episode X: Old Hazing Poll: Taste The Naked Feet

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And so it comes down to this: the final episode of this The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past randomizer run, featuring the only version of Link that leaves dead mice at Zelda's doorstep. Like a piece of uncooked spaghetti (or an erection, I guess) Garflink's journey has been long and hard, and if you have no idea what I'm talking about then I would suggest that you start here to experience the greatest Zelda game that technically never was.

When I left you all last week, Garflink had plundered the ridiculously well-stocked Tower of Ganon and had batted projectiles at Agahnim for the final time. Now all that's left is Ganon himself. Well, him, and my own obsessive-compulsive tendency to collect everything, which may well be a more terrible "final boss" if we're talking metaphorically about my life.

It's time to tackle some loose threads: the only thing more tantalizing to a cat than laser pointers and surreptitiously shitting in a closet.

First, it's time for a little Round the World Tour to grab all the items I couldn't before the Ganon's Tower bonanza. That means shattering a priceless ancient stone tablet with the Book of Mudora for five rupees. No-one tell the World Heritage people.
First, it's time for a little Round the World Tour to grab all the items I couldn't before the Ganon's Tower bonanza. That means shattering a priceless ancient stone tablet with the Book of Mudora for five rupees. No-one tell the World Heritage people.
The other tablet actually gives us a medallion like it's supposed to. Not the right one, of course, but it's still kind of an amazing coincidence.
The other tablet actually gives us a medallion like it's supposed to. Not the right one, of course, but it's still kind of an amazing coincidence.

Side-Note: The Ether Medallion is normally obtained at the Death Mountain tablet, and is one of three magical medallions that produces a powerful screen-clearing effect when you use it. Its ice magic is strong enough to freeze the rainclouds above Misery Mire permitting access to the dungeon, but the randomizer made it so we need Quake instead. Kind of a surplus item, then, but I'm glad to complete the Medallion set at least.

We also picked up a shovel, so let's use it. The old Ocarina spot gets us more useless rupees.
We also picked up a shovel, so let's use it. The old Ocarina spot gets us more useless rupees.
As does the digging mini-game in the Dark World. The only way to tell that you got the random item here instead of some normal rupees is because they do the whole
As does the digging mini-game in the Dark World. The only way to tell that you got the random item here instead of some normal rupees is because they do the whole "hold up the item while a jingle plays" bit.
Finally, there's the single time where you're ever needed to use the Cape. It's to get past the bumper here, in a cave near the Death Mountain entrance.
Finally, there's the single time where you're ever needed to use the Cape. It's to get past the bumper here, in a cave near the Death Mountain entrance.
Well, at least that's something. Only one heart piece left in the game now.
Well, at least that's something. Only one heart piece left in the game now.
And it's almost certainly in here, with the rest of the items. Going to Misery Mire at this stage of the game is wholly unnecessary, but dang it I want that Mushroom. It's gotta be in here somewhere, right?
And it's almost certainly in here, with the rest of the items. Going to Misery Mire at this stage of the game is wholly unnecessary, but dang it I want that Mushroom. It's gotta be in here somewhere, right?
Honestly, raising the dungeon entrance with Quake magic makes more sense than Ether magic if you ask me.
Honestly, raising the dungeon entrance with Quake magic makes more sense than Ether magic if you ask me.
And there it is, the last heart piece. Of all the challenges of the randomizer, collecting a full set of hearts is every bit as cumbersome as it was in the original game.
And there it is, the last heart piece. Of all the challenges of the randomizer, collecting a full set of hearts is every bit as cumbersome as it was in the original game.
That's it for Misery Mire's items, besides whatever the boss is holding. Vitreous has another unfortunate case of what doctors call
That's it for Misery Mire's items, besides whatever the boss is holding. Vitreous has another unfortunate case of what doctors call "arrowphobia": the core eye only needs two Silver Arrows. You still need to take out all its little friends first, though.
It has to be one of those magical compasses, its needle is pointing directly at Who The Fuck Cares.
It has to be one of those magical compasses, its needle is pointing directly at Who The Fuck Cares.
And there's the last pendant. Now that the trio's been reunited, I've got one last place to check.
And there's the last pendant. Now that the trio's been reunited, I've got one last place to check.
Entering the deepest part of the Lost Woods, drawing strength from the three pendants, Garflink takes a firm grasp and pulls up...
Entering the deepest part of the Lost Woods, drawing strength from the three pendants, Garflink takes a firm grasp and pulls up...
...a really stubborn mushroom. Man, the things a cat has to go through for a quattro stagioni pizza.
...a really stubborn mushroom. Man, the things a cat has to go through for a quattro stagioni pizza.

Side-Note: The Mushroom is an item found lying around the Lost Woods, though generally not on the Master Sword pedestal, and is used to create the Magic Powder bag. It's a super valuable item to get as soon as possible, but due to the randomizer it's highly probable that you'll find the Magic Powder first. At any rate, it's the last inventory item on our list, and at this point certainly the least.

There's over 120 comics about pizzas and eating pizzas and ordering pizzas, and 99% of them involve pepperoni pizza. What's the matter, Jim? Are you only comfortable drawing little red circles, you hack?
There's over 120 comics about pizzas and eating pizzas and ordering pizzas, and 99% of them involve pepperoni pizza. What's the matter, Jim? Are you only comfortable drawing little red circles, you hack?
Only one thing to do with a mushroom: give it to the first creepy old lady that asks for it.
Only one thing to do with a mushroom: give it to the first creepy old lady that asks for it.
Man, that witch can work miracles with fungi. The very last full heart container of the game is ours (and it's the very last item of the game too).
Man, that witch can work miracles with fungi. The very last full heart container of the game is ours (and it's the very last item of the game too).
Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. Bring it on, Blue Piglet.
Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. Bring it on, Blue Piglet.
At this point, the randomizer Ganon fight is indistinguishable from the real thing - the last time I fought him I had every item too. That doesn't mean he's easy, but... well, there's not a whole lot to say. Make him vulnerable and then feed him Silver Arrows until he explodes.
At this point, the randomizer Ganon fight is indistinguishable from the real thing - the last time I fought him I had every item too. That doesn't mean he's easy, but... well, there's not a whole lot to say. Make him vulnerable and then feed him Silver Arrows until he explodes.
Oh, you jokers. Now gimme that Triforce. Garflink's turning the Dark World into Pasta World.
Oh, you jokers. Now gimme that Triforce. Garflink's turning the Dark World into Pasta World.
The ending montage has its own in-jokes, but this one's particularly rich.
The ending montage has its own in-jokes, but this one's particularly rich.
And we roll credits on a Link to the Past experience that was considerably different to the norm. Except for that part in the middle where I was completely lost for hours, it was a pretty good time!
And we roll credits on a Link to the Past experience that was considerably different to the norm. Except for that part in the middle where I was completely lost for hours, it was a pretty good time!
Yeah, I don't think that time is going to make the global speedrun highscore table. Also, if you're wondering about that missing item, it was a red rupee on an island in Lake Hylia. Not worth the effort to make my way over there. I'm not that obsessive over collectibles...
Yeah, I don't think that time is going to make the global speedrun highscore table. Also, if you're wondering about that missing item, it was a red rupee on an island in Lake Hylia. Not worth the effort to make my way over there. I'm not that obsessive over collectibles...
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There's no real reason for a status update given that we found everything, but the above is what a completed tracker looks like. At the time I felt fortunate to find the Hookshot and Hammer as quickly as I did: both are essential to exploring the Dark World, however, so they tend to show up relatively early in randomizer runs regardless. The Moon Pearl took longer to acquire, as the single most valuable item for Dark World exploration, and this seed was super cagey about the armor upgrades (which you can theoretically get as early as the first dungeon), the sword upgrades, that damn Lantern, and the Book of Mudora. However, I did like having to sneak into the Desert Palace through the back entrance, and I hope the next time I play this randomizer I'll have to rely on a bunch of alternative methods to proceed. And, taking to heart what a few people have told me, I'll never try to navigate another dark room without the Lantern: it'll mean some backtracking, but that's better than running into a pit or a grue every five seconds.

With that, the Adventures of Garflink draw to a close. Thanks to everyone who joined me on this Gar-field trip, and good luck with your own ALTTP randomizer runs in the future. Just so happens that this LP Blog also kinda works as a guide for where to go to find stuff, so refer back to earlier episodes (via the handy table below) if you're missing a secret cave somewhere. Not that I regularly remembered to say where any of these places were... actually, you'd probably be better off finding some resources elsewhere, there's a lot of useful visual aids and checklists out there that speedrunners have put together. Not that I ever used them. *Cough.*

Next Time, on A Randomized Link to the Past: Garflink's journey may be over, but tomorrow we might have ourselves a little ALTTP Randomizer bonus episode...

Episode I: Lasagna Kitten: The Fell Depth Oozed
Episode II: Pasta Fiend Tale: Hell-Zonked Ghetto
Episode III: Lazed Feline Goal: Pet the Dank Thots!
Episode IV: Odie the Dog: Last Theft? Kennel Plaza!
Episode V: Egad!, PhD: Little Fez Hat on a Skeleton
Episode VI: To Fat Knight Zone: Help Delete Salad
Episode VII: Please, God, No: The Zealand Kilt Theft
Episode VIII: TalkFleet: An Elephant-Sized Hotdog
Episode IX: The Fattened Ilk: A Gonzo Death Spell
Episode X: Old Hazing Poll: Taste the Naked Feet <- You Are Here
Episode Ys: Fleshpot Glitz: Needed a Tenth Koala
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