“Wahwahwahwah!”

Is there a more revered adversary than the Shy Guy? A being that contains all the intelligence, cunning, tenacity and adorableness to be the most domineering force in all of existence. Perhaps it’s a fool’s errand to even try, but try I will, with ten enemies that will be measured by their Shy Guy-ness. Let’s see who will brave the challenge.

Metroids from Metroid

A strong first opponent for sure, the big M has a whole series named after them after all. But how do these deadly space jellyfish compare? Metroids are small, fast and like to bamboozle their opponents with sheer straightforward aggression before sucking up that delicious and nutritious life juice. Really, apart from their rotund stature, Metroids are terrible Shy Guys, lacking any caution or nuance, and instead rushing in with the simple animalistic desire to feed. I guess this is what happens when you rely on floating alien blobs to have a modicum of intelligence.

Shy Guy-ness: 3/10

Zombies from Resident Evil

Very iconic the zombie, a human form with the humanity ripped out of it, leaving an empty husk with only its base instincts left. Which sadly, scores very low on the Shy Guy meter. Where is the zombie’s love for mischievous fun? Where is the zombie’s endearing shyness? A zombie doesn’t even sound cute! A poor performance indeed I think you will agree. Though I will give an extra point for the fact a dead zombie in Resident Evil remake will sometimes rise again to become the much deadlier Crimson Head. Surprising someone in a prankster-esque way is very Shy Guy, though trying to eat someone’s face is less so.

Shy Guy-ness: 2/10

Featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry series!

Now I hear what you’re saying, “Dante isn’t a bad guy!” And yes, he isn’t evil, but neither are Shy Guys really, they just like to prank it up with the best of them. But just because you aren’t evil, doesn’t mean that you can’t be an antagonistic force, and Dante was a boss in Devil May Cry 4. Dante earns some good Shy Guy points by being quite the trickster (he even has a style dedicated to it), but his brashness is ultimately his undoing. Jumping around the place as the Wah-hoo Pizza Man is very unbecoming in the cold, void-like eyes of a Shy Guy. Dante is almost like an inverse of the Shy Guy, like a Bold Guy or something, but he is quite adorable when he does his tomfoolery to be fair.

Shy Guy-ness: 5/10

Lavos from Chrono Trigger

Being a giant…spiky rock thing doesn’t do Lavos any favours right off the bat and it only goes downhill from there. Lavos’ goal of causing the apocalypse is very short-sighted, because while I haven’t personally tried to play a prank on a corpse, I don’t think you would get much of a reaction. With everyone dead, who will you playfully trick, or run away from in a humorous fashion? I don’t think corpses chase much either now that I think about it. Lavos is like a giant Metroid, which means that its going to have to be rated even lower.

Shy Guy-ness: 1/10

Cactuars from Final Fantasy

Now we are talking! Small, loveable, cowardly and mocks people like an asshole with dancing, how could you get any more Shy Guy than this! The Jumbo Cactuar sometimes even has a cutesy curly moustache to offset its monstrous size. Truly, the Cactuar is the greatest thing to come from the Final Fantasy series. Cactuars are so amazing in fact, I sometimes wistfully look out of a window and wonder how different my life could have been if my username was PurpleCactuarGuy.

Shy Guy-ness: 10/10

Black Phantoms from the Souls series

At first glance the incorrectly named Black Phantoms’ fearsome appearance might lead you to believe that they have little in common with the Shy Guy. But as you see them in action, their deceitful and irksome ways show that they indeed possess that Shy Guy mentality. Waiting until you are unfairly surrounded by enemies to attack, or purposefully surprising you near a ledge to hit you off, Black Phantoms are real bastards. And of course, Black Phantoms are usually controlled by other players, which means that when we are freed from all social responsibility, we revert back to our natural Shy Guy state.

Shy Guy-ness: 8/10

Temmie from Undertale

In terms of disarming cuteness, the Temmie has this aspect covered well enough. Their weak understanding on the reality around them does mean that hijinks are likely to ensue wherever they go, but any confounding nonsense caused is mostly unintentional. The Temmies lack of brain smarts is the dividing line between them and the Shy Guys unfortunately. Though, some are capable of attending higher education, which might lead one to believe that the whole “hoi, i’m a dumb dumb temmie!” thing could very well be a clever ruse. Temmies also have a hidden village, which is also very much in keeping with the Shy Guy lifestyle.

Shy Guy-ness: temmie/10

The Water Temple from Legend of Zelda

Ah, the bane of all Nintendo-loving 90s kids everywhere. The Water Temple flummoxed many when it was introduced, and continues to do so. Though the Water Temple’s secret isn’t that it was an extremely complex dungeon, it was the fact that it was tedious. Opening a menu, equipping the Iron Boots, slowly trundling along while big angry clams and aggressive spiky balls attacked you, then having to go into the menu again to take off the boots was irritating. Couple that with having to play Zelda’s Lullaby every god damn time you wanted to change the water level, and you have a temple that really embraces the Shy Guy’s core values – good stuff.

Shy Guy-ness: 8/10

Blanka players from Street Fighter

Despite being an unruly green monster that shares little with the Shy Guy in terms of appearance, the mind behind that monster is far more insidious. Some fighting game players turn to the dark side, picking and learning the most infuriating character in the game in order to chip away at their opponent’s will to fight. Blankas fly across the screen unpredictably, much like how a child would throw around their favourite toy. Curse the heavens as you chase after them only to get hit in the face with a Blanka ball, then watch as they launch themselves away as you lay there in befuddled anger.

Shy Guy-ness: 7/10

Being over-encumbered in a Bethesda game

When I think of all the hours I put into Skyrim, I wonder what I spent the most time doing. Was it engaging in the awkward and stiff combat? Was it talking to the same ten voice actors over and over again? Or was it dropping items so I could carry extremely heavy dragon bones to a shop? That last one I vividly remember the most regardless. There was nothing like finding a bunch of treasure and having to drop most of your stuff to get it out of the cave you were in, then begrudgingly coming back to collect your equipment. When I think of the Shy Guy I think of cheeky inconvenience, and what cheekier inconvenience is there than designing a system to waste your time. Brilliant!

Shy Guy-ness: 9/10