March Break oozing disappointment (RANT MCRANTERSON OF RANTYTON)
By Snipzor 2 Comments
Why? I'll tell you why! People suck, that's why! Well, not all people. You know how I am, I love people. Sometimes ironically so, like the hipster shit I am sometimes. But yea, oozing disappointment, isolation and lack of videogames to play suck. You ever happen to be alone, and start to think and think and think, and at one point you start to fear everything around you and hate yourself with an everliving passion?
Well, I just had one of those moments. But might as well start to have a conversation about body image and gender confusion. Both of which for me are very much connected, as it is for many others. Don't worry person reading this, video games are down below, enjoy that if you're not in the mood to think about this. If I were to describe my body, I would describe it as grotesque. That is the kindest word I could give it, because on a daily basis I look at it and manage to cram an entire hour's worth of hate right at it. It's gross. I wish I lost 1/4th of my body width. I wish I were shorter. I wish that my hips were curvier. My shoulders less coarse. My head smaller. My hair wavy and long.
My knees no longer in pain. My skin smoother. My hands softer. Joints less jagged. Less volume. Knuckles less visible. Less equal distribution of hair. I definitely fit the characteristics of a male, and I hate that. It definitely makes me sick to my stomach at how uncomfortable I am with myself. I'm bulky as shit, and to a degree that has been a serious factor in my stages of depression. When I hate myself, I pinpoint everything I see in myself, and this has led me to this small (Ha, just kidding, it's massive) discovery of gender confusion. Implicitly, I always had the feeling, and I won't lie, it sucks. I look at myself and replace myself and everything about myself with what I want and what I want is much more feminine in nature (But of course, the end result is impossible to reach). Secrets are cool, and I have plenty of them. Sure they go down one by one, but my secrets follow the hydra rule. Each time one gets its head chopped off, another two take its place.
What in the ever living fuck am I? I swear, I ooze disappointment everywhere I go, not just in action but when I describe myself. I don't think I've ever really liked myself for a long period of time. Can you blame me? I hate being a bulky mess of gross dude-ness, I hate being a guy. I don't mean I hate being male, I hate being a super obvious male. I am jealous of the androgynous ones, seriously, maybe because they can effectively be pangendered, and that really depresses me. No matter what I do, and what I did in my entire life, I won't be able to reach this ability to be happy with myself. Nothing I will do will make a difference. And to a degree, that really does extend to a bunch of other things that happen. But yes, that is my rant, the rant of a bunch of different things molded in to one grand theme of self hatred. Beautiful.
Maybe one day I'll feel better about myself, maybe, but for 20 years (18 conscious ones), I've avoided it. Onto the videogames, as promised!!!
System Shock 1, more DOXbox needed
Bioshock rules, no doubt about it. System Shock 2 is even better, and has aged better than any other game I can think of. System Shock 1 on the otherhand.... well you can definitely see where SS2 got there. It's very interesting playing it, because just like SS2, it's really hard. At least to me, it is hard. Hell, the first thing to do is already a pain in the ass. Lemme give you the jist of what the game entails.
"Alright, DOSbox time, open that shit up... how the hell do I use this again?"
Some ridiculous amount of time later
"Finally, jesus that took a while. Now to play the game. Intro is playing, rocking intro music too, I wonder why we don't live in a cyberpunk world by now. I mean, we're almost there, technology-wise maybe we should work harder to get there. Oh yea, the game, umm sure I'll put the combat on Normal, shouldn't be too bad. Puzzles, normal, what the hell, everything on normal. Now to start, name? Oh... umm... why not. "HACKER". Now SHODAN won't have to feel bad about not knowing my name when she calls me hacker ^_^"
"Now to, okay that HUD is fucking ridiculous. Yea, yea, okay, compass is supposed to be there. Data Log is there, and a lot of other things are locked out. Oh dear god I'm scared"
And that is my current experience with System Shock. Okay, not really. After so many years of WASD controls, it feels weird to go to arrow keys again, remember people, no mouselook. Which is just crazy. Also, I got stuck a million billion times. Combat isn't so much of a pain, but considering enemies with guns will kick your ass, it's best to conserve ammo at all times and use the pipe. You're telling me he couldn't find a crowbar of something? Lame. But the atmosphere is still there, enemies creep up on you at all times, just as they should, and the setting is simply perfect, the darkest of cyberpunk areas where everything is industrial low life quality. Although, that might be an accident because of the graphics.
And now, since this blog has been an eye strain, I shall relieve you gentle people with something that isn't an eye strain. And a simple question, why do all of these UFO people always remember back to when they were abducted and then anally probed? Why is it that they are always probed anally? I mean, not really the best place to probe someone for information. Although, a good place to probe when you and your friend are bored. Toodles everyone.