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The Death of a Video Game Benchmark

One of the easiest and best ways to judge a video game console's graphical prowess has, quite literally, been cut. Guess it's back to counting lines of resolution?

Everyone has their own "thing" when it comes to determining the graphical capabilities of a given console. For awhile, people used water effects. Or, once Gran Turismo 3 came around, folks started staring at models of cars to see how powerful a game console was. Heck, for awhile, the notion of in-game models that could actually sweat was the clearest sign that basketball game graphics are becoming more and more realistic.

But my benchmark just blew away into the wind. Esteemed news outlet TMZ is reporting that Triple H has cut his hair.

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As far as I'm concerned, the only way we're going to know if a PlayStation Orbis or Xbox Durango are capable video gaming devices is to look at the mane of HHH. And it's been this way for years, really. Seriously, go on back to the N64 and take a look around. See what THQ was able to do back then with The Game's long, stringy, sort-of-crappy, usually wet mop. Actually, don't go back. I already went back for you. Look at this shot from WWF Wrestlemania 2000:

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Or these shots from WWF No Mercy!

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Now check it against a more modern rendition of the professional wrestler that's poised to pretty much run the WWE someday.

Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?
Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?

See? Not even close. Ipso facto, modern machines are more powerful than older ones. And we wouldn't ever be able to come to this conclusion if it wasn't for Triple H's classic 'do. So it's with some sadness that I bring this report to you, dear reader. The only consolation I can offer is that every time an longtime pro wrestler cuts off his shitty heavy metal hair, the easier it is to see them calling moves in the ring. And, really, isn't that what sports entertainment is all about?

Jeff Gerstmann on Google+

306 Comments

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sempiternal

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Edited By sempiternal

I did wonder a few weeks ago during his teary promo on Raw if he would ever cut his hair now that he's gone from being "semi-retired" to "possibly another couple of matches in him somewhere down the line but pretty much retired". Took him like two weeks.

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vinsanityv22

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Edited By vinsanityv22

This news....

My world makes no sense anymore. Why did you do it Triple H!?! I mean, cutting it is bad enough, but then to "Get the Vince McMahon"... that's just lame. Or sucking up to his father-in-law. One or the other. Either way, it is insulting. That is literally the exact same haircut as Vince. Uncool.

"Esteemed news outlet TMZ..." -- although that did make me laugh, Jeff ;)

Video game hair technology will always suck until western developers stop delivering character designs as boring as Bald Space Marine stereotypes. Remember when Sucker Punch was going to change Cole from blandy mcblandpants to generic extreme sports guy for Infamous 2, and IGN lost their minds (Greg Miller, mostly) and Sucker Punch had to change them back so he'd stop annoying them? Christ, even when they WANT to try doing hair, they always end up coming back to the Bald Space Marine template.

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FormulaDeuce

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Edited By FormulaDeuce

Need to go to the store and buy a forty so I can pour one out.

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indiana_jenkins

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Edited By indiana_jenkins

You freaked me out for a second. I thought Triple H was actually dead.

Wierd thing to admit, but I will be sad when he passes. He was a big part of my childhood for at least 2 years.

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ianyarborough

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Edited By ianyarborough

His nose in profile is. . .just epic.

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musubi

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Edited By musubi

@sempiternal said:

I did wonder a few weeks ago during his teary promo on Raw if he would ever cut his hair now that he's gone from being "semi-retired" to "possibly another couple of matches in him somewhere down the line but pretty much retired". Took him like two weeks.

Nobody in wrestling is ever really retired.

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deactivated-5cc8838532af0

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So this means video games are over right? Well im going to find a new hobby.

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Redhorn

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Edited By Redhorn

Fuck the world.

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renmckormack

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Edited By renmckormack

@Demoskinos said:

A botchamania youtube video in a news article on Giantbomb? My life is complete. THANK YOU BASED GERSTMANN.

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scarace360

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Edited By scarace360

It could grow back? I hope.

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DataLore

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Edited By DataLore

This is one of the signs for the end times, right?

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High_Nunez

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Edited By High_Nunez

Damn...he sold out. Whatever, he's been sold out since forever, but...damn.

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Kete

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Edited By Kete

This is my favourite giantbomb article.

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Claude

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Edited By Claude

I see some art Jeff. You're growing.

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sodacat

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Edited By sodacat

This is why we have videogames. So that, virtually, HHH's hair will always be with us (except now it'll probably be in the form of DLC).

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the_OFFICIAL_jAPanese_teaBAG

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Video games are over!

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digital_sin

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Edited By digital_sin

Now video games will have 30% higher FPS.

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bigevil1987

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Edited By bigevil1987

This is one of the most important game articles I've read in some time. Back when I was a big wrestling fan HHH's entrance was always my judge for a new console's graphics capability. It's just not the same without the hair clipping.

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rempresent

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Edited By rempresent

Jeff is right on about this, shitty metal hair is a REAL PROBLEM.

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theshape108

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Edited By theshape108

This is worse than the time they broke the news to me on the Bombcast that COPS was basically faked.

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ApeGantz

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Edited By ApeGantz

That's not Saber-tooth??

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xMEGADETHxSLY

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Edited By xMEGADETHxSLY

THERE IS NO GOD

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DoctorWelch

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Edited By DoctorWelch

This is the best thing. An news story not about video games, made completely about video games...I love this site.

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musubi

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Edited By musubi

@bigevil1987 said:

This is one of the most important game articles I've read in some time. Back when I was a big wrestling fan HHH's entrance was always my judge for a new console's graphics capability. It's just not the same without the hair clipping.

You're not joking. Back in the day I'd watch HHH's entrance in Smackdown:SYM over and over again because I thought it looked like the most amazing thing ever at the time.

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satchamobob

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Edited By satchamobob

...What the hell did I just read?

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michaelfossbakk

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Edited By michaelfossbakk

The fuck? :?

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bryn

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Edited By bryn

RIP GREAT HAIR

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musubi

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Edited By musubi

@BRYN: Glorious.

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big_jon

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Edited By big_jon

I approve this article.

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me3639

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Edited By me3639

Whatever Brah my shit staying tight.

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Sagalla

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Edited By Sagalla

I'd just like to say the best video game hair I've seen was in Tekken 4. Makes me wonder why it hasn't been as good throughout the rest of the series :/

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MikkaQ

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Edited By MikkaQ

Man I was playing No Mercy just yesterday, weird.

Guess ya gotta move on sometime.

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DrPockets000

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Edited By DrPockets000

Somebody was bored and/or intoxicated. 

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Y2Ken

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Edited By Y2Ken

Well now they'll just have to introduce "Classic HHH", they've got enough this year with Jericho, Undertaker, Edge, Christian, Kane and maybe more.

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TheHBK

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Edited By TheHBK

What do we do now? We have nothing left.

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TyCobb

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Edited By TyCobb

Noooo!!! The Game will never be the same (ha! puns)..

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DougCL

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Edited By DougCL

NO, ITS OKAY JEFF, I WANTED TO BE UP ALL NIGHT WATCHING BOTCHAMANIA. I WASNT ABOUT TO GO TO BED OR ANYTHING.

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dfsvegas

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Edited By dfsvegas

Gaming is dead...

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rpgee

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Edited By rpgee

Giant Bomb, presenting only the finest in video game news.

This is clearly a sad day for us all. I look forward to the time when we can re-establish a suitable standard for resolution-quality determination.

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Neonie

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Edited By Neonie
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Baal_Sagoth

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Edited By Baal_Sagoth

Oh, damn it!

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Tennmuerti

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Edited By Tennmuerti

And he suddenly looks like a decent guy for a change.

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matti00

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Edited By matti00

This news article made me bust out laughing. Also, I'm upset that the video has shown me wrestling always sucked, it isn't just sucky now.

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napalm

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Edited By napalm

Wait, those Botchamania videos are real? There's hundreds of them!

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Ronald

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Edited By Ronald

I guess most wrestlers realized video game hair will never be good enough for them so they all cut their hair.

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selbie

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Edited By selbie

I was completely thrown by this article. At first I thought it was about serious GPU Benchmarking software.

Then again, Triple H's hair could be considered a powerful benchmarking software...especially if they get the spray effects right.

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Sploder

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Edited By Sploder

This is fucking amazing.

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stonyman65

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Edited By stonyman65

Goodnight sweet prince.

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Nentisys

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Edited By Nentisys

Journalism at its best.