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The Death of a Video Game Benchmark

One of the easiest and best ways to judge a video game console's graphical prowess has, quite literally, been cut. Guess it's back to counting lines of resolution?

Everyone has their own "thing" when it comes to determining the graphical capabilities of a given console. For awhile, people used water effects. Or, once Gran Turismo 3 came around, folks started staring at models of cars to see how powerful a game console was. Heck, for awhile, the notion of in-game models that could actually sweat was the clearest sign that basketball game graphics are becoming more and more realistic.

But my benchmark just blew away into the wind. Esteemed news outlet TMZ is reporting that Triple H has cut his hair.

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As far as I'm concerned, the only way we're going to know if a PlayStation Orbis or Xbox Durango are capable video gaming devices is to look at the mane of HHH. And it's been this way for years, really. Seriously, go on back to the N64 and take a look around. See what THQ was able to do back then with The Game's long, stringy, sort-of-crappy, usually wet mop. Actually, don't go back. I already went back for you. Look at this shot from WWF Wrestlemania 2000:

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Or these shots from WWF No Mercy!

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Now check it against a more modern rendition of the professional wrestler that's poised to pretty much run the WWE someday.

Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?
Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?

See? Not even close. Ipso facto, modern machines are more powerful than older ones. And we wouldn't ever be able to come to this conclusion if it wasn't for Triple H's classic 'do. So it's with some sadness that I bring this report to you, dear reader. The only consolation I can offer is that every time an longtime pro wrestler cuts off his shitty heavy metal hair, the easier it is to see them calling moves in the ring. And, really, isn't that what sports entertainment is all about?

Jeff Gerstmann on Google+

306 Comments

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huntad

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Edited By huntad

I never knew how important it was. May his hair rest in peace?

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SuperPickle

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Edited By SuperPickle

I have not watched fucking wrestling since hulk hogan the the fucking wwf was around and have not played more than 40 fuckinh minutes of a wrestling game since the fucking nes and the SNES genesis and arcades,

in other words I play the fucking demos and never played the crap 32bit wrestling games out side of the demos on the disc and have to sit through it while other people played it and how dumb they are.

and the onlky fucking wrestling game i ever liked was and was wowed by is pro wrestling and it had starman. Hell I still rather play fucking pro wrestling to this day.

Besides Only the fucking PC has real benchmarks anyway nobody cared or has ever cared about benchmarking weak ass console hardware anyway seem alive and well to me benchmarks come out all the fucking time. everytime a console comes out it looks like the same old ass GPU effect we have seen on PC 3 years before that the fucking xbox 360 came out and I thought the games looked like old ass PC games from 2003. The benchmark is get some dinosaur or hot chick to do crap that looks impressive or combine both and have a sexy dinosaur hot chick to stuff that pushes polygons and GPU effects.

The only benchmarks console get is ones made up by nintendo sega microsfot and sony so they can show it give fake numbers and then say you can launch fucking missles with it then ducktape 4 them together and run norad in your basement while running pixar movies in real time...you know all that stuff you could do with a PC anyway. there this chick has the fucking hair of the next 5 years for consoles already benchmarks are over. Next e3 you will see chicks with this same fucking hair.

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PimblyCharles

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Edited By PimblyCharles

Ageia..... I mean NVidia Physx can render hair quite well and realistically with today's top Geforce GPUs.

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unsolvedparadox

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Edited By unsolvedparadox

HARD HITTING REPORTING!

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flaminghobo

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Edited By flaminghobo

This has got to be one of the funnier articles I've seen on the site in ages! Well played, Jeff!

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crithon

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Edited By crithon

Hair still not there, I feel this might be a food way to step back and rethink things as Triple H regrows his hair for the next generation of video game graphics.

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Generiko

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Edited By Generiko

Maybe it is Dolph Ziggler's time now?

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agentboolen

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Edited By agentboolen

I never really thought about it but yes HHH's hair could be a good way of seeing how powerful a system is, and in fact I kind of like it better then all the other ways that were said. The Hair in these games has always been the biggest weakeness, just watch any long hair ladies match in these games.

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wmoyer83

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Edited By wmoyer83

Whats the best part of the picture? The girl to the right of Triple H who either does not approve of the new haircut or who is being stringed along by her hardcore Triple H fanboy brother/boyfriend/cousin.

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deactivated-5ffc9b71f33ff

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Man, that's crazy. This is one of the guys I actually still like in wrestling, even thought I haven't really paid much attention since the Attitude series.

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On1inepersona

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Edited By On1inepersona

Does anyone else see the King's Quest V reference?

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Timnoldzim

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Edited By Timnoldzim

Who in the world would ever want to be rid of that glorious mane?

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DukesT3

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Edited By DukesT3

oh fuck. this means he's going to retire right?

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BluntTheKing

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Edited By BluntTheKing

I for one applaud Mr. H's actions. I think it's great that he's not letting his hair define who he is. For too long he has let his hair tie him down, prevent him from being seen as the man he really is!

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striderno9

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Edited By striderno9

I miss the days of polygon counting.

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mewarmo990

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Edited By mewarmo990

@JustinAquarius said:

@ZookZoltn said:

We must have a Triple H's hair memorial livestream. Have his hair live on in all of our hearts.

This needs to happen. Twitch stream of Jeff playing every wrestling game with Triple H in it ever.

Video feature please,

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kerse

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Edited By kerse

video games are over

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RandyTandy

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Edited By RandyTandy

Personally I rank the progression of videogame technology by the fidelity of snow. I actually made a little feature on the progression of snow in games here.

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07ron

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Edited By 07ron

LOL. Nice work on this piece, J-Man.

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TheHBK

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Edited By TheHBK

@Robaota said:

I hope and pray Jeff was just sitting in the office during a slight lull in the day's proceedings, perhaps 20 minutes before recording something or going to a meeting and then he saw this article and challenged himself with: "I wonder how I can make this relevant to video games". And as such this article was birthed.

Dude, there is no way Jeff ever asked that question. If you ever paid attention to the podcasts, then you know that he brings up Triple H's hair whenever a consoles power comes into question or there is a game that has hair tech he thinks Triple H could use. This article was a done deal the moment Triple H's hair was gone.

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comradecrash

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Edited By comradecrash

Aww too bad.

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Nomin

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Edited By Nomin

Thank God, the sure bet standard of jiggly tits is still with us to provide ample diagnosis of a hardware's prowess.

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LarryDavis

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Edited By LarryDavis

More articles like this, please. I love it.

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Danterion

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Edited By Danterion

What's the point of this? Now I hate wrestling even more.

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deactivated-5d7bd9e4bef30

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@Death_Burnout said:

Game of Thrones? TIME TO PLAY THE GAME OF THRONES, GET IT?

I love you

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Death_Burnout

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Edited By Death_Burnout

@Demoskinos said:

@Subjugation said:

So ... now he looks like Sean Bean (in that first picture anyway).

Oh god. Now WWE is going to make a fictional story based on HHH's rise to fame starring Sean Bean. Coming soon from WWE Films.

What the fuck are you talking about? Always has! Well sort of...Picture this, Boromir dead in the boat, sword and hands to chest, down the waterfall. Or is that Triple H 'dead' on a stretcher, sledgehammer and hands to chest, up the ramp to backstage? Hmm? Think about it.

Game of Thrones? TIME TO PLAY THE GAME OF THRONES, GET IT?

@Brandino said:

I guess Heath Slater will now be our benchmark for great hair.

See that is what I am saying!

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Brackynews

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Edited By Brackynews

@Ravelle said:

Today I learned his real name and what Triple H really stands for.

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javk

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Edited By javk

'Lets burn this motherfucker down!'

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PhilipDuck

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Edited By PhilipDuck

Wha!!

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Milkman

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Edited By Milkman

@Junpei said:

@Ravelle

Today I learned his real name and what Triple H really stands for.

Hunter Hurst Helmsley if I do recall.

That's what it stands for but it's not his real name.

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artgarcrunkle

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Edited By artgarcrunkle

Best article in a while.

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JustinAquarius

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Edited By JustinAquarius

@ZookZoltn said:

We must have a Triple H's hair memorial livestream. Have his hair live on in all of our hearts.

This needs to happen. Twitch stream of Jeff playing every wrestling game with Triple H in it ever.

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DM

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Edited By DM

How dare Trips cut his mop off without putting it up in a hair vs hair match.

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_Phara0h_

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Edited By _Phara0h_

I LOVE YOU JEFF!!!!!!

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Tom1243

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Edited By Tom1243

Amazing article!

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Robaota

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Edited By Robaota

I hope and pray Jeff was just sitting in the office during a slight lull in the day's proceedings, perhaps 20 minutes before recording something or going to a meeting and then he saw this article and challenged himself with: "I wonder how I can make this relevant to video games". And as such this article was birthed.

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Junpei

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Edited By Junpei
@Ravelle

Today I learned his real name and what Triple H really stands for.

Hunter Hurst Helmsley if I do recall.
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HerbieBug

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Edited By HerbieBug

I see.

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chaosnovaxz

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Edited By chaosnovaxz

Any self-respecting metal musician would have short hair, or non-ridiculous-looking stringy-ass long hair.

HHH's hair looks like more of a shitty metalcore, or terrible punk rock cut. Come on, get your genres right!

Seriously, though, this had me rolling. Bless you, Gerstmann. :D

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radar5

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Edited By radar5

Don't worry Jeff, they can still put "classic Triple H" in the games.

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knoxt

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Edited By knoxt

Lemmy just un-invited him from his birthday party.

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Ravelle

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Edited By Ravelle

Today I learned his real name and what Triple H really stands for.

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deactivated-5e4c09d3ba1b3

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Chris2KLee

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Edited By Chris2KLee

Dear god, maybe one of the finest pieces of journalism EVER.

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grilledcheez

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Edited By grilledcheez

Jeff, your articles represent the pinnacle of video game journalism (not kidding).

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AP

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Edited By AP

He looks weird now!

No! No! No! No! No! No!

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MjHealy

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Edited By MjHealy

Gerstmann linking to Botchamania. Everything is fine with the world.

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joelalfaro

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Edited By joelalfaro

Don't worry sir, we'll just go back to counting bits.

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Edited By EvilNiGHTS

I thought the Eddie Guerrero outburst on that Youtube video was incredible. Then, remembering I had that match on DVD, I checked on it on there only to find it was edited out. Damn.

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I_Stay_Puft

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Edited By I_Stay_Puft

@Shinmaru007 said:

I would like to buy Triple H's hair.

Maybe Triple H donated the hair to Locks of Love. Someone may be spiriting the Triple H persona as we speak.