Empire: Total War - A game of World Domination...
... or as I like to call it, a Game of World Domination at the hands of braindead idiots, but more on that later.
Empire: Total war is the 5th installment in the Total War series of games. It is a mix between RTS and Turn Based Grand Strategy in which you lead one of several nations to victory, usually by conquering Earth.
The whole shtick behind the Total War games is that whenever you get into a battle, the game allows you to zoom down from your campaign map to view your troops (who are still the size of ants even at this level) like some kind of omnipotent Zues intricately controlling the lives of men, making them charge into bloody and horrific battles for your own amusement.
Or maybe that's just me...
Either way, the Total War series is unique in the regard on it's real time battles that are both fun to play and fun to watch. With each installment, the biggest focus has been on the aesthetics as well as examining the hypothetical engagements, like if Prussia invented Steam Ships in 1740 or if the United States was fighting to free itself from an all-dominant French Empire. However, the heavy focus on aesthetics, though it provides and impressive looking experience, seems to end up having shoved a few things aside that in the long run really hurt the game.
Either way, nothing is more fun than leading your empire to total domination of Earth (which is impossible if you question how things like trade would work under a single nation, but I'm not sure why I'm questioning it in a game where you can take over Spain as Portugal and conquer America), but there is one major enemy that you will eventually have to face.
No, it's not another Empire,
No, it's not rebels,
It's the god damn AI. Remember when I said that it was World Domination "at the hands of braindead idiots"? Well apparently the shitsmear mongoloids that your nation employs into military service cannot defend themselves properly, nor can they even find their way around the environment or even follow basic orders. The AI is atrocious in this game at certain parts.
Take for example when I was playing as Prussia (man, I really do have a thing for Prussia, don't I?) and was defending a fort. I had 4 units of conscripted citizens with guns and they had only 2 regiments of line infantry. I ordered my men to the walls, and the stumbled around for 30 minutes, completely incapable of doing anything for fear that their tiny brains would explode from thinking too hard. They also remained oblivious to the fact that their tiny brains were quickly being drained out of the tiny bullet holes in their tiny heads, as they were being shot at, yet could not for the life of them figure out how to operate a musket and shoot back. I was surprised they didn't accidentally shoot themselves holding it the wrong way.
Still, I entrusted them enough that I figured they could at least seek out refuge in a local building. I commanded them to garrison in the armory and they were promptly cut down trying to comprehend how on earth stairs work.
I am dead serious.
And this isn't just because they were conscripts (I would hope to god nobody would be this incomprehensibly stupid in a real military) as similar things have happened with army regulars. Not turning around to face an opponent when told, not engaging certain units when told, and on rare occasions not even attempting to move where told. It has cost me many lives.
However, I digress. The Pathfinding and AI can be a little slow at times but it usually works well enough, but you do have to hand-hold it a lot.
If that does not bother you though, then this game will be perfect. The AI, as bad as it is, is the only major flaw in the game after all of the patches, with few bugs and glitches left.
Though there is many of tale left for me to recount, I will say this: Empire: Total War is a genuinely fun (if sometimes frustrating) experience and if you don't buy it, then you're a sucker. Don't miss out on it.
