#1 Posted by Lucien_Lachance (208 posts) -

 Foreword

It has come to my attention that the Giant Bomb community, and indeed some members of the staff, have not familiarized themselves with proper farting procedure. Having recently obtained my Ph.D in Flatulence Studies at Cornell University, it is to my dismay that so many people have such reckless disregard for this delicate process. It is my intention to correct this by bestowing on you, the community, with just a taste of the knowledge that I have been gathering for 16 years at Cornell.  
  

Why  Would You Want to Learn How to Fart?

The answer to this question is quite simple. Knowing the proper procedure is useful because :  

  • It's safe. Studies have shown that 6 out of 5 prolapses have occurred due to overly-forceful flatulence that could easily have been prevented had the proper steps been taken.
  • It's effective.  Farting properly eliminates 30-31% more gas than normal farting. 
  • It feels good. People who fart properly report feeling more rejuvenated and refreshed than those who sleep on old fashioned metal spring mattresses.
  • It's fun! Farting properly can increase your score on the Bristol Sliding Scale of Happiness by 5-10 points.
 

The Procedure

The Herschwinn-Kraussenschweigger Flatulence Enhancement Manoeuvre was invented in 1917 in Brussenheimen, Austria. The name may seem intimidating, but all it takes is a few simple steps: 
 
  1. Stretch. Take a few slow, deep breaths and extend your arms over your head. Hold for 5 seconds and release. Take a few more deep breaths and touch your toes 10 times. This may seem a bit extensive for a behavior as spontaneous as farting, but this step is key, as it forces any air bubbles downward to the rectum.
  2. Get into position. Squat slightly and bend your arms at a 90 degree angle so that your forearms are parallel to the floor (Figure 1). This position relaxes the anus, allowing for more air to escape.
  3. Release. The key here is not to force it out; that could result in an undesired pantaloon defecation. Just relax and let it come naturally. You'll know you've done it right when the heady aroma of peanuts and honey fills the room. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Conclusion

I hope you've all learned something here today. This information will probably change your life, making you more popular at parties and with the opposite sex (or with the same sex, if you're into that). And when people compliment you on your lovely farties, just remember it was me who gave you that knowledge.
#2 Posted by Australia (126 posts) -

Finally, the internet has been used for good! Well done Sir. 

#3 Posted by cooljammer00 (1647 posts) -

I like to clench every so often.

#4 Posted by FCKSNAP (2299 posts) -

I prefer the fetal position, personally.

#5 Posted by buzz_clik (6971 posts) -
Moderator
#6 Posted by Wunder_ (1169 posts) -

... I would like to file a complaint.

#7 Posted by Red12b (9084 posts) -

wh...wha...wtf?

#8 Posted by Uri555 (114 posts) -

Why thank you, sir. Most informartive.

#9 Posted by bybeach (4792 posts) -

Peanuts and Honey, even if it is my own,..oh do I wish! Sometimes more like a rat that has recently died in the wall next to where you sit...
#10 Posted by Sparklykiss (1955 posts) -
Moderator
#11 Posted by punkxblaze (2972 posts) -

Why would I want to learn how to fart.

#12 Posted by DragonBloodthirsty (470 posts) -

Your guide fails to include important farting tips.  For example, the "One cheek sneak" is a vital technique for not killing the mood when in a religious ceremony or on a date.  There's probably other major points you are missing too.

We don't just need to know the most comfortable way to fart, or how to do it without pulling a muscle (or worse), we also need to know all the other techniques which will serve us in good stead as we go through life.  Because flatulence is such a vital part of all our lives, I can't in good conscience recommend this guide because it lacks the comprehensive information it promises.

Also, you totally made me smile.

#13 Posted by drewm135 (216 posts) -

This is why Giant Bomb is amazing. I want a troubleshooting section though. What happens when sometimes it just won't come out? And possibly a FAQ

#14 Posted by Afroman269 (7387 posts) -

lol, that is all

#15 Posted by Sparklykiss (1955 posts) -
@DragonBloodthirsty said:
"

"One cheek sneak" is a vital technique.

"
I lol'd.
Moderator
#16 Posted by ArchScabby (5809 posts) -

Sometimes when I fart I like to sit on a hard surface to maximize the sound.

#17 Posted by Toxin066 (3283 posts) -

When I'm on leather, I always tilt to the side to give the fart room to escape. Otherwise, farts get stuck in leather. This is known.

#18 Posted by tv_frank (1 posts) -

The problem about farting is that if you fart too much then 'something' going out eventually... ewww

#19 Posted by Aegon (5543 posts) -

Sorry to break the long line of jokes but who actually asked the bombcast crew the initial question, when and why?

#20 Posted by animathias (1185 posts) -
@DragonBloodthirsty said:
"

Your guide fails to include important farting tips.  For example, the "One cheek sneak" is a vital technique for not killing the mood when in a religious ceremony or on a date.  There's probably other major points you are missing too.

We don't just need to know the most comfortable way to fart, or how to do it without pulling a muscle (or worse), we also need to know all the other techniques which will serve us in good stead as we go through life.  Because flatulence is such a vital part of all our lives, I can't in good conscience recommend this guide because it lacks the comprehensive information it promises.

Also, you totally made me smile.

"
I would say that the guide is 100% spot on. The subtext is that we shouldn't be caring about who is around us or if it's time for the silent prayer. Let it fly, brother, and proudly exclaim whom dealt it. That's the path to the perfect fart.
#21 Posted by RobotHamster (4171 posts) -

I just farted.

#22 Posted by Landmine (525 posts) -

This thread has brought tears of joy to my eyes...

#23 Posted by CitizenJP (1016 posts) -

I tried to fart just now, but instead I ended up crapping my pants. Thanks Lucien, you ruined me. :3

#24 Posted by aurahack (2270 posts) -

Ain't no party like a farting-squatting party!

#25 Posted by Cerogravian (344 posts) -

I prefer the bilabial fricative - it brings so much more liberty concerning pose and timing.

#26 Posted by InertCoctopus (17 posts) -

Once you have mastered the basics, you can begin to train for competitions such as these. Please note, these contests are for professionals only
 

#27 Posted by c1337us (5751 posts) -

I don't eat a lot of peanuts. Should it still smell like peanuts? I also like to cock the leg a little. I find it effective.

#28 Posted by luce (4045 posts) -

I'm looking forward to your seminar.

#29 Posted by TwoLines (2804 posts) -
@luce said:
" I'm looking forward to your seminar. "
I heard it's a webinar.
#30 Posted by PillClinton (3291 posts) -
@Lucien_Lachance: This is without-a-doubt the best thing I've seen on these forums in quite a while.  I laughed heartily and extensively. 
#31 Posted by jorbear (2517 posts) -

This needs to be a wiki page. NOW.

#32 Posted by TurboMan (7510 posts) -

mods, can we make this a sticky?

#33 Posted by Cerogravian (344 posts) -
@jorbear said:
" This needs to be a wiki page. NOW. "
There is an object page, but maybe you would prefer a farting concept? I would find that much more agreeable to be honest.
...Though I have no idea why I chose that word...