I still don't quite know what to say

I've kinda spent all day looking at the forums more than I have posting. Odd, for me, I'm usually not on if I'm not posting. The news of Ryan Davis passing a few days hit me harder than I'd ever dreamed it could. I actually kept thinking that maybe this was some hacker's sick joke or something, but no, it wasn't. It was way worse. And it finally settled in and I just didn't really know what to say. I've kinda spent all day thinking about putting into words my feelings about the death of a man that I'd never actually met but whose voice I'd heard literally every week for the past year and half now, one that was part of a group that has cheered me up countless times. In fact, Ryan and Vinny did the very video that drew me to Giantbomb in the first place, the Quick Look of FEAR 3, and he's been in so many other things just making jokes and being an all-around great personality. I'm gonna miss you, good sir. This may not fit perfectly, or it may not even at all, and it's a bit too sappy and cheesy, but oddly enough it's just what my mind kept coming around to whenever I wanted to say something.

See you, space cowboy.

Letting it out is a good start. RIP Ryan.

I remember that FEAR 3 QL very well.

First, it was numbness then it started to hit me a bit in waves and now at around midnight, I'm having my first real breakdown!

Yeah this is so damn depressing.

Just come back please -_-

pft, the real cool kids are gonna have their breakdown during tomorrow's bombcast

; ;

His dad sharing pictures of him when he was little on twitter made my sadness even worse .....

Thanks Ryan ! and Thanks Richard Davis for raising such an amazing guy.

Ryan @taswell on his first train trip in Europe, he loved trains pic.twitter.com/LlIOgfT8Lu

Wait, is there gonna be a Bombcast tomorrow? He died on Wednesday, and if I remember correctly, Bombcasts are usually recorded on Fridays.

@thatdutchguy said:

His dad sharing pictures of him when he was little on twitter made my sadness even worse .....

Thanks Ryan ! and Thanks Richard Davis for raising such and amazing guy.

Ryan @taswell on his first train trip in Europe, he loved trains pic.twitter.com/LlIOgfT8Lu

Those tweets/pictures were crushing. Condolences to his father and the rest of his family.

@thatdutchguy: Wasn't there a Bombcast where he did talk about trains at length? Like how much better really long train trips are?

@video_game_king: uh, they're usually recorded on mondays; and the cast, afaik, was all there (brad was there at least, I assumed he wouldn't be there by himself)

Still can't believe it.

I still have a hard time believing it. Not to say this is some elaborate prank, but it's just so fucked my mind cannot comprehend it. It's not just grief. It is also is intense disbelief. It just doesn't seem real. It can't be real. There's no way. It's not possible.

I look at my shelf of books and see names of people no longer with us. David Foster Wallace, Sylvia Plath, John Keats, George Orwell, and Jack Kerouac all died before 50. Hunter S. Thompson and Ernest Hemingway both committed suicide in their 60's. I look in my iTunes catalogue and it gets even more grim. Tupac Shakur, Notorious B.I.G., Kurt Cobain, Big L, Duane Allman, Aaliyah, Janis Joplin, and Jimi Hendrix all died before 30. Albert Ayler jumped off the ferry going to the Statue of Liberty. Marvin Gaye was killed by his father.

I list all of these morose details to make a very depressing point. There has been great loss in these two fields. Death is expected when your job is making music or writing books. It's just something you have to grow to accept. Your favorite musicians either have died or will die. Paul McCartney, Tom Waits, David Bowie, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, those dudes are getting up there. When they pass, I will be sad, but I won't sit in complete disbelief for 8 hours like I have today, staring at threads about him and think "there's no way this is true."

Dying is not something you expect if your job is to write about video games in the same way as those other jobs. There's not the same history of untimely, or even timely (if those even exist) deaths. We haven't built up a tolerance for it. Video games journalism, and video games in general, are a very young art. And today we've reached a very depressing milestone.

@animasta:

Then what the hell was I thinking of?....Never mind, then.

@equitasinvictus: My condolences to the Davis family,friends and to everyone member on Giantbomb.

We will get trough this together.

@believer258: not to sound like a spambot here, but id say you should let the people closest to ryan know as judging from what they are saying on twitter, they are reading everyone's reactions and posts and it means a lot to them

https://twitter.com/enemynanner (this is ryan's wife)

https://twitter.com/mauleace (this is ryan's dad)

I can't really remember. but i do remember his excitement for the sky train and trains in general in this quick look :

I haven't quite broken down yet. I'm getting there with each blog/tweet I read.

@equitasinvictus said:

@thatdutchguy said:

His dad sharing pictures of him when he was little on twitter made my sadness even worse .....

Thanks Ryan ! and Thanks Richard Davis for raising such and amazing guy.

Ryan @taswell on his first train trip in Europe, he loved trains pic.twitter.com/LlIOgfT8Lu

Those tweets/pictures were crushing. Condolences to his father and the rest of his family.

But these are maybe the closest I've come to completely losing it.