Adventures in the Magic Kingdom

( Halfway through this long-running NES bet thing, and Schmidt is winning.) And in a double whammy, I'm stuck with another game in the 6.0 range. Damn it, when am I going to play some really good games? (Probably around Christmas.) But back to the game in question, it's Adventures in the Magic Kingdom, a not-so-obscure game that puts you in charge of finding all the keys to the Cinderella Castle. Mickey's planning a parade, but somehow, everybody in the parade is locked in the Castle, and the keys somehow got scattered about the park. And if that wasn't confusing enough, Mickey's usually the one giving you the keys, begging the question, "What the hell am I doing here?"
 
I don't know about you, but I could answer that question easily, mainly because the game lets you enter your own name. Because I love abusing this type of shit, I decided to name my character "Sexy" just so I could post the results here. His name given, Sexy wandered through the park, collecting keys by riding anything in sight (it's his nature). Each ride plays completely differently from any other; Space Mountain is a Road Avengers rip-off, the Haunted Mansion plagiarizes both Ghosts 'N Goblins and Castlevania, Autopia feels like Micro Machines, etc. It makes sense in theory, but unfortunately, it means this game is near impossible to review (especially since the game is so damn short). It also means that no one part is particularly well-developed, making for a series of middling games rather than the one great game Capcom was hoping for.

Here's the odd thing about it, though: there seems to be a few unifying elements between all the games, despite the genres being as far away from each other as you can possibly get. The most obvious one is that the game tends to be harder than it should be. For example, in the Pirates of the Caribbean level, you have to rescue a bunch of creepy old men dressed like sexy women. However, for whatever stupid reason, Sexy isn't allowed to attack anybody. Maybe Zorro hadn't come out at the time of this game, maybe Disney World is its own nation and the Second Amendment doesn't apply there, but I couldn't attack a single character. Oh, did I say single? I meant several, as there are more enemies here than there are in any other section of the game. You'll die, but fortunately, you can buy more lives, along with health and other things that I didn't give two shits about. I'm not insulting the system (it's pretty cool), but just the meager selection of things to buy.
 
Along with many other things I haven't mentioned. Like what? Like the trivia. Five of the keys are located in the park's attractions, but the sixth key requires you endure something that can be described as Trivial Pursuit mixed with a fetch quest. You walk up to somebody, they doubt that your Mickey's friend, they ask you Disney trivia (because Mickey's the type of egotist who only befriends those who know everything about him), they redirect you to somebody else with the key, rinse and repeat ad nauseam. Some of the questions are easy to answer, but some are so obscure that I'm pretty sure that Mickey's "friends" were just fucking with me. Why? Maybe they felt I was a walking example of false advertising. I could continue for a bit on how the game isn't good, but again, it's so short and varied that I don't find it possible. So I'll just end it with the Every FF7 Thing to Come After FF7 Award for Really Bad Endings. Magic Kingdom spends the entire course of the game hyping up a parade that never comes; that's far worse than what Dirge of Cerberus ever did.
 

Review Synopsis

• It's hard to sum up about 9 different games in 3 bullets.
  
• It's also hard to play this game at times, even though it shouldn't be.
  
• Is this third bullet even necessary? I think I summed up the game in the above two.
  

 
 
 
 
I can't believe I'm saying that these are good points, mainly because they feel like video game reviewer basics. But I must admit that the man has some good points to make.
 

 
 

WarioWare, Inc.: Mega Microgame$

( This was supposed to be Um Jammer Lammy, but it seems that bitchin' rock tends to scramble my brain.) I also tried Rakugaki Showtime, but after finally finding out that it was a fighting game, I realized that I'd need more time to beat it. However, unlike the last googolplex times I came across this exact same problem, I had a backup plan for this one: WarioWare. I knew I'd be able to beat it within the course of a single day, and for some reason, I also knew that I'd criticize for that exact thing (even though it's exactly what I wanted).
 
In fact, I knew a lot of things about this game before going into it, which I guess spoils the entire blog. For example, I knew that the gameplay was perfectly designed for goldfish, old people, and everybody else with memories shorter than their penis. You probably already know what I'm talking about, but I'm going to talk about it anyway so I can pad the length out of what would probably be a two paragraph blog. Anyway, you're presented with some random mini-game and 3 seconds in which to achieve some random goal. Succeed, and you move onto another game; fail, and you have three other chances to fail until game over. Sounds simple, right?
 
Well, it is, which, as I've said before, makes it REALLY hard for me to write anything. But I'll try: remember when I said "sounds simple, right?" You know, exactly above these words, in the previous paragraph? You don't? Seriously? It's ri-I don't have time for this, as I have to disprove what I said, to an extent. Some of the games can be misleading in what you're supposed to do or how you're supposed to do it, like the trampoline mini-game. The goal of the game is to keep the little guy bouncing, so logic would dictate that you're controlling the little guy, right? Nope; apparently, I'm controlling the trampoline, which at first led me to believe that the camera just despised me. Oh, and should you encounter an A-button mini-game after about twelve that have used nothing but the D-pad...
 
Despite the ramblings of the previous paragraph, I still liked the mini-games for several reasons. First, unlike Magic Kingdom, no single game takes up the focus of the entire experience, since each one lasts only about three seconds. (Except the boss portions, which tend to last 30 seconds.) You know what this means, right? What? A cluttered mess of a game that doesn't know what it wants to be? No, that's Magic Kingdom; WarioWare's more like a completely random mix of a billion genres of gaming into one package that's not at all close to any of them. The only thing it didn't take from any of these genres, however, seems to be humor. I can already hear the sirens going off, but hear me out. While the story can be pretty damn funny, the majority of the games lack humor of any kind. They just sort of exist with no jokes, much like your typical episode of Family Guy. Tons of references, no jokes. Hold on...did I just cut away to a clip of Family Guy cutting away to a clip of Family Guy? Is there a hole in the universe? Why do I still exist?
 
OK, so the universe is destroyed, what does that mean for the review? Well, since nothing makes sense anymore, I might as well end the blog with the story. Wario is at home, presumably waiting for Nintendo to call him about the next Wario Land game, when he sees a commercial for a new game. Rather than just engage the TV in a staring contest until the show comes back on (like most of us do), Wario decides to make his own game. However, because he's a fat lazy piece of crap, he decides to hire his friends to make the game itself. OK, so maybe "friends" isn't the best word here. Or "hire." (It's actually "crap.") Rather than convincing them with a demo or whatever, Wario does absolutely nothing while all his employees mysteriously come to him through completely random means. I really feel like complaining about them being random, but given that it's the theme of the entire game, I can't. Besides, this definitely isn't a game to be taken seriously, which is why I award this game the Irony Award. Why? It's been staring you in the face the entire time!
 

Review Synopsis

• Rather than sum up the review, I've decided to follow Wario's example and be completely random about the next two bullets.
  
• Behind every workshop aborts a played verse.
• The nest responds! To the purple scissor-worm!
  

Batman: Arkham Asylum

( I think there is something all societies can agree on.) That something is this: Batman is awesome. Seriously, try to find some sort of flaw in him. Oh, you found several? Screw you, they're what make Batman so awesome, everyone knows that. So what happens when you make a game about Batman? Well, mixed results, to be honest, but in the case of Arkham Asylum, sort of the same effect: flawed in a few areas, but still incredibly awesome.
 
Unfortunately, things don't start as awesome as they could: the game opens with the Dark Knight dragging the Joker to jail, but not the "Heath Ledger anarchist" Joker, the "batshit insane and yes that pun was intended" Joker. (Not saying the latter's bad, just not as good as the first.) Anyway, the Joker's going to Arkham Asylum, a jail he (along with every other villain in Gotham) has managed to escape from many times before, which is something Batman has known for quite some time. Predictably, shit hits the fan and sprays further than any could have imagined, and it's up to Batman to make his fuck-up look like an excuse to be ultra-badass. This is where my criticisms of the plot end, mainly because I find it to be the strongest, tightest part of the experience. In that sense, it's like having sex with a blood pressure tester at your local pharmacy. The first thing I like is the collection of villains. Sure, you have the Joker and his sexy/insane girlfriend, but you also have Scarecrow, Killer Croc, Poison Ivy, Bane, the Riddler, and several others that all fit into their proper spots in the story; none of them feel forced into the story for the sake of being there.
 
Oh, another thing I like about the game: things really don't feel contrived. All the plot and gameplay elements fit together perfectly, never really feeling like they sacrificed one to placate the other/God of Volcanoes. I think the best example of this is how you can pick up interview tapes/converse with rocks and continue on your way, listening to their insane ramblings while you scare the piss out of nearby guards. This brings me to one of the main topics: the atmosphere. What, you thought I meant gameplay? OK, this time, I'll admit my mistake and wrap this up quickly. Incredibly detailed, lackeys have a degree of humanity to them, and overall, it can be pretty immersive when you allow it to be. OK? Bam. (Forward reference, if such a thing is possible.)
 
Now then, what you've been waiting for: the gameplay. Earlier, I mentioned that you can make the local guards simultaneously shake and pee like leaky dildos, but I didn't mention how or what that had to do with the game. I was getting at the stealth system, which, while repetitive, can actually be a lot of fun. You may use the same damn strategy time and time again (wait for somebody to be alone, kill them, run away, repeat), there's a degree of open-endedness to it that creates room for a lot of creativity. Sneak into an air vent, wait for somebody to walk by, and choke them before sneaking back into the vents; hang from a gargoyle, turn a guard into a cocoon, and fly away to watch the chaos; intentionally crash a batarang into the floor, luring a guard away from his post and to his creepy death. Should any of this fail horribly (and it probably will), it's not the end of the world; sure, your bat-butt will absorb a lot of butt-bullets, but (this time, not intended) there's always a way to avoid the enemies and live to fight another day.
 
Speaking of fighting, it seems that stomping the wine out of the inmates' faces is a big part of the game. Who could have imagined Batman doing such a thing? More importantly, who could have imagined that it'd be pulled off so well? You have a variety of moves at your disposal at any time, and while you're definitely not going to use them all (anything with a batarang comes to mind), their presence doesn't interfere with any other moves; you don't have a limited amount of moves at any given time and neither are you forced into specific moves, you can just ignore them if you want. I did, and had an experience similar to the stealth: repetitive, but extremely rewarding. I would find myself jumping from enemy to enemy, turning their own punches against them and watching the combo meter increase as I taunted them like a schoolyard bully. As my combos grew larger and larger, I gained access to different moves, like throwing people or insta-kills, that added variety and some layer of skill to the fights.
 
Yet there's something about all this that confuses me, even as I write the blog: if being bum-rushed by about a dozen members of the Insane Clown Posse results in awesomeness, then why are the boss fights kinda disappointing? There are really only two types of bosses, the first being OK villain beat-downs, the rest being the same fight repeated again and again. The only difference I've noticed is that they're skeletons in the I, Robot levels, and that your first fight with them is apparently with Gotham's deadliest luchadore. Hell, they really don't even get more challenging, just more complicated, as the developers added more enemies to the fights rather than new moves. Oh, and don't think this is limited to Arkham's wrestling federation, as I noticed this in the few non-luchadore fights, making it seem like the developers stuffed them in at the last minute. Kinda disappointing, since the villains give this game potential for some truly awesome fights. What could soak up all the time they should have spent on what could have been a defining feature in this game?
 
What's that? Exploration of Gotham, which actually is a defining feature? Fucking karma....As I was saying, one of the major features of this game is being able to explore the facility and find several little secrets and objects. In theory, it sounds cool, as Batman has always had a wide variety of weapons and gadgets at his disposal, but unfortunately, there's no real way I can end this sentence in a negative tone. Seriously, this is perhaps the tightest thing in the game (Batman's abs not included, obviously), and probably why gamers worldwide have declared this the Best Game Ever Before Modern Warfare 2 Came Out. There's a lot of interesting areas to explore in Gotham, fun-to-use tools to explore those areas, and plenty of motivation to scan these nooks and crannies. The only major flaw I found was when Batman entered detective mode, probably in an effort to be a more badass version of Sherlock Holmes. However, the actual detective modes are nothing more than 3D pixel hunts that make the game drag you on a choke chain to your next objective. Sure, you don't have to follow the trail 100%, but I believe that same thing was said of Roman Bellic in GTA4. Exactly. I'd also say that these portions of the game contribute to its short length (I finished in 3-4 days), but given the amount of unlockables, extra game modes, and general replayability, I'm willing to overlook that. That, and because I'm afraid that if I type anything bad about this game, Batman will snap my neck from behind. *notices past criticisms of this game* Shit! Gotta be quick! I give this game the Why So Serious Award, because why do you have to be so serious, B-*neck is snapped*
 

Review Synopsis

• The story and the gameplay walk hand in hand down the Road of Awesomeness. Also known as Bat Boulevard.
  
• Unfortunately, the boss battles are lying in a puddle of vomit 3 miles back, possibly because this game punched them in the gut.
  
• Oh, and I forgot to mention: because the road is awesome, there's a lot to do, many areas to explore, and plenty of reason to go down it again and again.
  

 
 

 
I'm not calling the content of this video bad; I'm calling the quality itself bad. Bam.
 
 
 

Bubsy in: Clawed Encounters of the Furred Kind

( Yes, I know what you're thinking as you read this.) You're thinking, "Why would you play a game that you know is crap", mainly because your thoughts only exist as fodder for my blogs. Well, here's the reason: over the past few weeks or so, I kind  of fell into a rut populated by games in the 6-7 range. Tired of putting up with this crap, I decided to play two games to remind me of my gaming standards. Imagine it like an IcyHot for reviewers: I play a really good game first (in this case, Batman), and then I move onto a game that will no doubt make it into my yet-to-be-completed list of 10 worst games ever.
 
It all starts with the plot. Were you expecting a space-themed platformer that parodies Close Encounters of the Third Kind? Well, fuck you, average gamer, because you're not getting anything close to that. We're going to take you through three generic areas (forest, circus, cowboys) before you even see a level resembling something that's sci-fi. There's not even going to be any unifying plot whatsoever, it's just going to be an excuse for our cuddly mascot to flash a smug smile and hijack conversations and buy tight polo shirts that best show off his abs. Oh, and in case you weren't already foaming at the mouth and burning the cartridge, we'll introduce each level with a bad cultural reference and the voice of Plucky Duck spouting a "funny" line with attitude.
 
OK, even I realize how petty that last complaint was, but the game is that bad. The beginning of the game doesn't give off this awful vibe, as has happened with several awful games, but as soon as I started moving the annoying bobcat, things went into a downhill spiral. First thing that's wrong with the game: poor controls. Bubsy has only two speeds: slow and "run straight into death", and the transition between the two is somehow rougher than sandpaper. For some reason, this exact same logic applies to jumping, meaning you'll fly forward like you were launched from a catapult, but trying to adjust your jump will only move you a few inches. Granted, you can alleviate this problem by using Bubsy's mysterious glide feature, but everything about it confuses me. First, cats don't glide; second, Bubsy moves at exactly the same speed whether or not he's gliding, so it feels more awkward than it should; and third, it sort of means you'll have to mash the d-pad to land on tiny platforms, the type that become more common as the game goes on.
 
So you're going to die a lot, whether it's from slippery slopes (combined with poor jumping) or incredibly retarded reasons I shall describe later. Your only defense? This messy jump move that's meant to mimic Sonic's bounce-thing, only less...good...because of the aforementioned jumping controls. You also get two forms of invincibility, if that helps: one of them makes you invincible, and the other uses a similar looking word to fool you into dying prematurely. So we come back to the beginning of this paragraph: you'll die a lot, and I feel like the developers of this game sort of knew this. Why? The way things were designed gives me this impression that Accolade knew how shit the game was while they were making it.
 
Example: in the circus levels, you'll see those amusement park games where you swing a mallet to ring a bell (I don't remember what they're called). They behave like trampolines, so each jump is higher than the last. Problem is that Bubsy will die if he drops from a certain height, and these mallet swings reach that height. Why? Fuck you, that's why! Rarely did I find that they serve a purpose, and when they did, there was usually another way to get where I needed to go. Of course, this is not the only way the levels trick you; you'll run a long stretch before hitting a wall (dead), you can be bounced into a wall (dead), you'll jump into enemies you couldn't see until it was too late (classic dead), and sometimes it's hard to distinguish between background and platforms (REALLY classic dead).
 
But as was the case with Arkham Asylum, I discovered something incredibly weird about this game: while the platforming sections of the game are stupidly frustrating, the boss fights are piss-easy. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that there are only two bosses in the entire game, and one of them is the final boss. This means that you're fighting the same boss several times over the course of the game, the only difference being how fast they are/how much of a clusterfuck the screen is. The final boss is different, but he's also very weird: depending on how you approach the fight, this guy can either be super-easy or unbelievably cheap. I know that sounds weird, but it's one of those things that requires playing the game to understand. However, I'd recommend against that, mainly because this game is just as crap as people believe it to be. Therefore, I give it the You Were Right Award. I should've known after they pulled this shit:
 
 
 
 

Review Synopsis

• Yes, he really does sound like Plucky Duck, and he does look like crap.
  
• It's obvious that he's trying to be Sonic, but people like those games because of the tight controls.
  
• It also helps that the bosses were varied and you were able to defend yourself more efficiently.
  

Mystic Ark

  
To an extent, they didn't; in my original playthrough, I didn't take to heart some of the flaws that became apparent now. First time through, I thought this was a game about renegade Yu-Gi-Oh cards turning androgynous knights into action figures, and while that much hasn't changed, there's a bit more to it than that. Turns out these cards have been turning others into action figures, and you have to restore them to their original form while finding your way home. Unfortunately, in order to do that, you have to travel from isolated world to isolated world, which means that the story's kinda fractured without a sense of unity. Hell, the one thing that could give this game unity, a villain, doesn't show up until the last few worlds, so the story comes off as a bit of trial and error. 
 
Which is what I suspect the translation was like. I've heard things about how hard it is to translate Mystic Ark, and in this translation (there's another one I completely ignored), it shows; typos abound, some of the wording seems too literal, and at times, I could tell it was a Japanese game translated into English. But it could be worse. Anyway, along your journey, you'll collect Arks, special beings that help you solve puzzles, give you battle bonuses, and eventually help you beat the final boss. "That sounds a lot like The 7th Saga", I force you to say for the sake of this blog. Yes, it is a lot like that piece of crap game, but fortunately, it's a lot better. I guess with Brain Lord sucking one ball and The 7th Saga suckling another, Produce's third game had no balls to suck and decided to give me the most amazing blowjob of my life.
 
Notable improvements start with the party system: rather than being forced into two characters for the entirety of the game, you can now choose three characters from a large cast to bring into battle, protagonist included. Should one die, you can just summon another character after the battle. Can't do that? Well, things get kinda shit here, since you have to go all the way back to the shrine and pick up their figurines before you can use them again. Should be easy, though, as not only is the enemy encounter rate slightly down, but more often than not, you'll be level enough with the enemies that you can get back to the shrine with your internal organs intact. In fact, I'd say that the tables have turned slightly, enemies now being the ones having to reset the game over and over and over and over and over again.
 
This is my way of saying that the game is slightly easy. Death holds little consequence for you, a lot of your abilities are more powerful than they should be (Body Slice, anybody? No? Screw you.), and probably because of that, bosses have this odd tendency of dying with little effort. Sure, they may do significant damage, but usually, you fall into a nice pattern: stat boost, attack, heal when necessary, refresh MP if necessary. Yet none of this makes the game a piece of crap, like The 7th Saga. Why? Well, first, I'd rather play an easy game than a hard one, and Bushwald Sexyface would probably agree. Second, there's more to the game than the usual JRPG fare, like the adventure game elements. 
 
Remember when I told you that the Arks would help you solve puzzles? This was what I was talking about: they enter objects, and do whatever their name says (Fire burns things, Water makes them wet, Darkness does nothing because you get it at the end of the game). But that's not the only way you solve puzzles; no, you also get to rub items against shit and exhaust all options the game presents to you at a given time. Obviously, this means that Mystic Ark carries over some of the flaws inherent in adventure games. Perfect example: in one of the worlds, you're not allowed to leave a building until you collect a bunch of scattered books and return them to a bookshelf. Sounds good, but these things are hidden in the most random of places, like clocks and leg chairs. You're presented with two options: either search every object in the area, or just break down and consult GameFAQs. Keep in mind that this happens more than once; it isn't the case with all puzzles (some are quite clever, like those in the Dark World), but it happens with enough regularity to warrant mention.
 
Yet the puzzle elements aren't even the most notable thing about the game! I know, what could be more memorable? The graphics. Remember in 7th Saga, how everything looked like an action figure, and the colors ranged from incredibly bright pastels to the FPS spectrum? Well, between that game and this one, Produce evidently obtained a larger palette, as this game displays a color range far greater than 7th Saga. Verdant greens, bright blues, golden yellowy-browns, and just about everything in between can be found within the multiple worlds of Mystic Ark. "But the 7th Saga had that, too", you're yelling defiantly without knowing what the hell a 7th Saga is. Let this be the last insult I throw towards that game: it only used those colors sparingly, and even then, it didn't have much of a definite style to it. Mystic Ark does: it feels like somebody knew what a JRPG was while making it, but had the slight handicap of being from the 19th century. And on a random note:  


Kind of gives a distinct, almost calm feel that other games haven't really replicated. Wait, something about that isn't right....what could it be?.....! I know! I was listening to this the whole time! Can you taste the irony? That's not irony, spit it out. Here you go. Tastes good, doesn't it? Almost as good as the music. Not enough for you? Here's all I can show you without getting tied up in copyright lawsuits or whatever on Earth, therefore leading to a major war between our two celestial bodies. It's enough proof as to why this game is awesome. Then again, all those other word things are proof, as well. As is this award I give it: The Sexiest Video Game Review Award. I think there's only one possible ending for this:
 
 
 

Review Synopsis

• The story's OK, but not great; it's disjointed and the fan translation kinda sucks.
• Yet where the story kinda fails, somewhat, sort of, the gameplay picks up, being much better than its predecessor in every way.
• It may only be 20 hours, but it's an amazing 20 hours, filled with vibrant colors and distinct melodies.

 
 
 
 
This is why I make sure that all my knights are cyborgs, like Sir Stephen Hawking.
 

 

Little Nemo: The Dream Master

What's that? You've played/heard of Little Nemo? OK, I guess that's common ground. However, I bet there's one thing you didn't know about Little Nemo: it's a movie game, as it was based off a kid's movie. Specifically, this one. Why I got Rock-a-Doodle and some shitty Disney sequels over this, I still do not know. Anyway, the basic premise is this: the Mayor of Imaginationland comes to Nemo's house and allows him the chance to play with the Princess. Nemo doesn't like girls, so he obviously accepts this offer within minutes of being offered. Somehow, this leads to him blasting the hell out of a dark sorcerer.
 
But this is supposed to be a dream, a land where logic means nothing and you can do anything you wish. And that was the idea behind the main feature of the game: animal powers. During your adventures, you'll come across some animals just lying around. Drug their asses with some Reese's Chloroform Cups and you can now defile th-er, become that animal and gain their powers. It sounds cool, and on the surface, it is; there are a wide variety of animals to roofie up, they're fun to use, and there's a....variety....of power ups to find. You're probably wondering about the ellipses in the previous sentence: I included them because while there's a wide variety of animals, the actual number of power ups is a tad disappointing. There tends to be a bit of overlap with the power-ups, especially the wall climbing ones. Long story short, there's three of them. They each do one thing different from the others, but I don't see why they couldn't be a single animal, making room for other, much better animals.
 
Hell, it would have made the level design a bit more creative. I'm not saying that the level design is banal or nondescript; in reality, the level design is as good as any other platformer, but the format is what really makes it shine. A few of the levels are your typical left-to-right platforming fare, but the majority of them are based more on exploration. Like some of the other things in this game, it may seem weird/out of place, but can you think of any other way to base an entire game on special animal power-ups? Exactly. It's executed in exactly the manner it should be, at least in terms of level design in relation to power-ups. In terms of actual level count, the game's staggeringly low at 8 levels. 8 short levels, with the best parts limited to the last one. Bosses, a new attack, linear/non-linear level design, a villain, all of it is limited solely to the build-up to the final boss. Now you see why my face is so unsure: while the game is creative and fun with well-executed level design and power-ups, it's incredibly short and all the best parts are at the end of the game. What's my final verdict? How about the Cocoron-NiGHTS Award for Dreamy Platforming Goodness? That doesn't count? Well, I'm King, so it does count. There.
 

Review Synopsis

• A large variety of animals to roofie up and powers to use...sort of...
• Great level design gives you a reason to drug the local wildlife.
• Why isn't this game longer?
  

 

New feature thingy

( You may have noticed that this blog saw a new feature.) And you also may have noticed that there's a third section of this blog called "New feature thingy." Put two and two together, idiot. No, you don't get 100, you get "I'm adding these GB-esque pics to all my blogs." Why? Well, they're awesome, OK? Plus it helps eliminate any sense of ambiguity that the words may have. Yes, I know many of you are too lazy to go check my damn lists, so I've made this. Let me explain in greater detail:
 
 
 
 
 
   
 

Vib-Ribbon

( It seems like when they want to, the Japanese video game industry can create some truly weird/awesome stuff.) What, you don't believe me? Did you even click the f'ing link? Or read the title? Oh, none of you have any idea what the hell a Vib-Ribbon is? Fear not, people who aren't Jeff, for I shall explain it to you. For those of you who are Jeff, just continue ignoring this blog, as you usually do :P. (Disclaimer: that's a joke.)
 
Anyway, Vib-Ribbon, as I see it, is a very weird mix between a rhythm game and a platformer. You play the game using four buttons, each one assigned towards a certain obstacle: an L button for pillars, R for circle thingies, down for pits, and X for spikey pits of non-death. While it sounds like only the last two make any sort of sense, I think the controls work fine; one button to each area of the controller should, in theory, prevent you from tripping through levels like you're on the drunkest walk of shame in history. And it does keep such situations from happening. In theory. However, things kinda get out of hand when you start combining them in twos. What, you thought it would just end with pushing buttons on their own, in no sort of combination whatsoever? That wouldn't be very fun, would it?
 
No, instead, Vib-Ribbon is a pretty fun game, partly because of how it gets creative quickly. On easy, you're just tackling single obstacles as they come to you; normal difficulty, the camera starts swinging around because it loves failure; hard difficulty, HOLY SHIT! You have the camera angle thing from before, granted, but now you not only get those double-button press things, but now the obstacles move toward you independent of the path (as in they come towards you while you run at them)! Damn, the game is already hard enough, but why did you guys have to up the difficulty for....hard mode? Oh, shit. Never mind. Let me get back to why the game is already hard: it's the quirks, which, oddly enough, also make the game what it is. Just what the hell are these quirks? The major one is that you're playing as a vector bunny, but that's not what I'm complaining about.
 
What I'm complaining about are the controls and the graphics. Before that, a disclaimer: I am not saying the graphics are bad. In reality, the game looks distinct and appealing in a Japanese/cartoony way. The main problem I have with the graphics is when you trip or sprain your ankle in a pothole or pull a Homer Simpson. When you take enough damage, you change forms into snake/box/whatever, but before that happens, the screen periodically jitters in the most calculated way to repeat the cycle. I'm aware that a game should punish people for failure, especially in a rhythm game like this, but there's definitely something wrong with this system when such punishments hinder your progress in the game. I know that sounds weird, but let me put this in perspective: imagine if in Guitar Hero, when you miss a note or two, the lines started curving. Or if Modern Warfare 2 had a feature where each time you missed the enemy, your character slowly started developing Parkinson's. You'd call bullshit, wouldn't you?
 
However, I still consider the game extremely fun, as I explained before. It's simple, easy to pick up, and there's a surprisingly high amount of replay value for one reason: custom soundtrack. You can insert an audio CD into the PS1, load a song, and then play a course generated from that song. It's like Audiosurf with a futuristic, surreal cartoon bunny. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get the damn thing to work, so what I have to say is based mostly on what I've seen through some random YouTube videos. (It's OK, though, since it's not like there are major gameplay changes or anything.) The first one was a Zelda song about the children, and while things got off to a promising start, I noticed an odd trend: the music wasn't really lining up to the course. I thought it was just because the song didn't suit the game, but Katamari Damacy disproved that. The only way that could get more Japanese would be if it had a thin metaphor for atomic bombs, but I noticed the same problem. I know that this exists in other rhythm games, but not as pronounced as in Vib-Ribbon. Still, it's a unique game that I'd recommend, especially since these are the same guys behind Parappa. That's why I give it the Green-Haired Hippo Award for Greatness in Rhythmic Cartoon....Stuff...damn it, you know what I meant.
 

Review Synopsis

• At times, it feels like a cross between a Japanese cartoon and a 1940s cigarette commercial.
  
• Simple to pick up, hard to master. Probably because the later stages will fry your brain.
  
• Only three difficulties, but that's fixed by the Audiosurf-esque level generator system.
  

 
 
 
 
I think we all know that Yahtzee's popularity has been declining for quite some time, but I'd like to say that many people don't understand him. Why? He lives in a land filled with giant seagulls of death, and anybody who can treat that as normal is automatically badass. Don't believe me, Mr. I'm Not Believing Anything This Guy Says in His Blog? Watch the video and be proven wrong yet again.
 
 
 

River City Ransom EX

( But since Giant Bomb doesn't have an individual page for this game, just pretend the EX isn't real.) Also, since thread titles can't have Japanese characters in them, just pretend the title of this blog is in Japanese. Oh, and since I can't come up with any way to escape this whole except for digging my way out, pretend that this is a proper transition into the blog itself, rather than an incredibly awkward joke that's been running for so long that its windpipe now resembles a silly straw.
 
Anyway, West Side Sto-er, River City Ransom. The plot of the game is simple: you live in River City, a city where the gravity is low enough to perform  high school cliques take things VERY seriously. If you thought bullying was bad in your school, just wait until the Jocks beat you and your Cowboy friends with chains/tires/your Cowboy friends, and then swipe your wallet while you're puking up blood on the curb. Oddly enough, all of these cliques can still agree on one thing: Richard Dawson must not breed. They then steal your girlfriend, lock her up in the nearest high school, and send the might of River City High School to beat you up. As "Alex" (I suspect he had to use this alias because he hates Jeopardy), you must now kick ass and take people's wallets until you have your girlfriend.
 
Obviously, this means the game is a beat-em-up, but not in the a Final Fight sort of way. Not even in a Guardian Heroes sort of way, the closest way without leaving the genre. Instead, I see it more like an old school version of Bully: you have the freedom to go anywhere you wish, tackling bosses in whatever order you want (for the most part), and in this new version, deciding who joins you in your quest for love. Yes, in this new version, you get your own sidekick to help you beat the piss out of your enemies. I thought this was because the developers were too lazy to change things from the multiplayer mode, but seeing as how this game doesn't have one (why?), I changed it to "they're compensating for not having one." Whatever, having an extra guy with you at least helps with the extremely high number of enemies you'll deal with at a given time.
 
I'm not kidding, there can be a lot of enemies in a single area. Worse yet, they respawn constantly, and you have to beat every single one before the boss decides Richard Dawson's bloodlust hasn't been fully satiated. Yes, beating people up is already fun, and I'd beat up a billion people if given the opportunity, but I don't want to be forced into it. Why? Well, you're bound to lose HP during some of these fights, and the bosses (especially the later ones) can be really, REALLY hard. Granted, I was underleveled for most of the game, but some of these bosses even managed to destroy my AI partner, who was usually at the appropriate level.
 
The only way out is to buy things, but the only way to buy things is to beat up enemies, who don't carry more than $2 on them if you're lucky. That's why I recommend that like Grand Theft Auto, you don't take this game seriously. Just beat people up, swipe their money, and repeat to your heart's content. If you get bored, just go buy a comic book; they hold the secrets to kickass moves lifted straight from Street Fighter. As you can see, like Vib-Ribbon/Transformers, there is more replay value than meets the eye. You know, as long as you don't beat the game, since the final boss, in what I am slowly suspecting is Atlus tradition, is cheaper than Ike at Costco's. (I was tired of making $3 hooker jokes.) I'd explain it to you, but because I'm incredibly lazy, I'll just post this video of it. And give River City Ransom the Most Times I've Used the Phrase "To Beat Up" in a Single Blog Award.
 

Review Synopsis

• While seeing Richard Dawson shove his fist into people's mouths can be fun, it can also get repetitive.
  
• Even if you get a wide variety of moves, weapons, and ways to use your allies as weapons.
  
• Unfortunately, the hard bosses require such repetition.
  

Bloody Wolf

( I believe I went through a billion games before I reached these two.) Oh, and Firefox isn't making this any easier. I started with Elemental Gearbolt, but after realizing how impossible it is to beat the game (hard final boss, lack of checkpoints, low health, it's crap), I moved onto another game: Quake 64. That didn't work, either. JJ and Jeff looked good, until I realized that there were some literally impossible jumps littering the landscape of later lebledufvelbels. Then Ridge Racer 64, which I gave up on due to laziness and a touch of frustration. Finally, I arrived at Bloody Wolf, an old TurboGrafx-16 game that I've heard is really good. However, unlike every other case of this happening, Bloody Wolf turned out to be a surprisingly good game.
 
One reason I said the word "surprisingly" is because the story didn't lead me to believe it would be any good. Simple stuff: rescue the president, because this is an alternate world where people are smart enough to kidnap rather than kill high-ranking leaders. Other than that, sounds simple, right? Well, as soon as the actual game part begins, the plot takes so many twists and turns that the borders of the screen are constantly covered in vomit. Twist 1: just how badass you are. This has to be one of the most badass characters I've seen in a game (Vin Diesel's ass excluded, obviously (it was an ass, not a character)). He'll shoot people in the face at point-blank range, stab those who can't be shot, ride a motorcycle into hostile enemy territory, explode a person 900 feet into space (I know that's not the right distance, but THAT'S HOW BADASS HE IS!), and punch open boxes to get what he wants.
 
Knowing that he's so badass, twist 2 comes into play when you rescue the president: realizing his massive balls will weigh the rescue copter down, Thor the Asskicker decides to stay behind, meaning the second half of the game consists of you finding and rescuing Thor. If it seems like I'm being insistent with the story, keep in mind that I'm only doing this because the game was so insistent with its story. For a shooter, there's a lot of plot development and characterization, something I found incredibly weird. Then again, I probably shouldn't have found it to be too out of place, given that the game is (slightly) creative for its genre. For example, rather than picking either overhead or shooting, Bloody Wolf opts for both, combining them into an odd but tasty treat. Garnishing this blood-drenched Milky Way are streams of hostage-rescue peanut butter, little weapon nuts, vehicular nou...I'm gonna stop this candy analogy, it's making me hungry.
 
Besides, I think you get the point: there's a lot to be found in this game. The weapons include bazookas, flamethrowers, flash grenades, shotguns apparently stolen from the Contra universe, your own damn fists, your massive balls, and several others. They're all easy to use without any major quirks, but the only problem I have (and it's pretty petty) is the flamethrower, for some incredibly weird reason, is classified as a grenade weapon. I guess that's because it fires a continuous stream of fire at your opponents, but with turbo (which, need I remind you, is not only in the name of the damn console, but is also included on all controllers), all the not-shotguns are essentially flamethrowers with very tiny spaces. Oh, and for all shotguns, they're flamethrowers that spam half the screen with bullets.
 
If you're starting to think that this game errs on the easy side, prepare to be disappointed. Or sexually aroused, I don't know you. What I do know is that the game is that perfect kind of difficult, even if the reasons for it can sometimes be utter bullshit. Perfect example: remember earlier, when I mentioned that there's a second half to the game? Unfortunately, the second protagonist is nowhere near the man Thor the Asskicker is, so he has to spend about half his time rescuing hostages. His only reward? A bunch of items with incredibly limited applications. Hell, you can't even use them, they just activate themselves when the time comes. Sort of seems lazy, especially since the rest of the game is so good (for the most part). Since I can't think of any other way to end this part of the blog, let me just wrap it up with the Vin Diesel's Ass Award for Excellence in Badassery.
 

Review Synopsis

• Apparently, the protagonist of Bloody Wolf is a bad enough dude to rescue the president.
  
• Unique gameplay elements with (mostly) great execution.
  
• Seriously, this Thor the Asskicker is f'ing badass. Do no mess with him.
  

 
 
 
 
I really hope this turns into a mini-series unto itself. "Watch as people from Boston fail to pronounce the word 'Germany'!", or, "Can people from China correctly say 'Winnipeg'?"
 

 
 

Demon Sword

( Well, it seems I've finally bought a PS3.) Not only that, but my first game for it was Demon's Soul, an Atlus game where you-what's that? I never bought a PS3? Then what the hell was I playing? Demon Sword? That piece of crap? Get out of here, imaginary person I am addressing for very weak reasons! *he leaves, I think* That's better. Anyway, I guess I played Demon Sword, an NES game starring a ninja where you slice things a lot.
 
If that makes you think this is a good game people forgot over time, you're wrong; coincidentally, if your username happens to be "SJSchmidt93", congrats, for you're in the lead. What makes me not like this game so much? Well, as always, it starts with the story. Or it would if the game had a story, but alas, there doesn't seem to be any. You run through stages, waving your sword around like your enemies are robotic pinatas, on a quest to retrieve your mystical baseball (it flew into Old Man Ferguson's Spire of Malice, in case you're wondering). However, every time you come close to it, a random seagull steals it from you, prompting another round of the exact same crap. But even for a game with no story, it somehow manages to fail at its story for one reason: the final boss isn't the seagull. Really....Taito? Really? I can sort of understand the lack of story, sort of, but the lack of closure? REALLY!?
 
I'd end the blog there and deprive you of closure on my opinion, but I wish to teach them a lesson by setting an example. Let us begin with the story...wait...fuck. What's that thing I go for after the story? Oh, right, gameplay. Again, for the most part, really lacking. You usually run from left to right, jumping to your destination because Mario is apparently a secret ninja, slashing the hell out of anything that gets in your way. That's all there is to the game. OK, so there are some levels where you go up/down, and there are some levels where you don't know where the fuck you're going, but for the most part, it's a game that could be beaten with a turbo controller and some duct tape. If not for the bosses. Mostly.
 
The bosses require a bit more than holding down right and the sword button; instead, you must use a cunning combination of remaining stationary and spamming shurikens until they're a tasty corpse sandwich, and damn it, I'm hungry again. Why am I always hungry? Hmmm.......Moving on, there is one complaint I really can't levy against the game, and it has nothing to do with the graphics or music or anything like that: I can't call the game unfinished. I know that sounds kinda weird, but it doesn't give off the type of rushed vibe that games like Brain Lord and Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly. Instead, Demon Sword seems to learn a bit as you progress through the stages, each one becoming a bit harder and every boss becoming a bit more creative. However, this alone doesn't work for two reasons: it never reaches what it should be aiming for, and (probably as a result of this) there are only four stages with two levels each. Let me put that in perspective: Super Mario Bros has 8 stages, each with 4 levels. That means Super Mario Bros is four times the game Demon Sword is. Pathetic. I'd give this game the Most Random Story Award, but it isn't finished yet. Besides, Phantom Brave is set to earn that reward, given the random crap I've been doing in that game.
 

Review Synopsis

• Given that birds are constantly stealing his crap, the protagonist of Demon Sword is no Thor the Asskicker.
• Though oddly enough, he comes close, but only because the entire game is so damn easy.
  
• And short. Really, really short.