Posted by Video_Game_King (36272 posts) -
The suave, daring, unrivaled King of Video Games. He is on an EROTIC quest to see if lesbians indeed have the goods. BEWARE, the Moon.

Once again, GOTY season has hit the forums. Everybody's out celebrating the festivities by putting together lists that all look almost exactly the same. Yet each year, I still feel there's something missing from them all. Originality? Oh, hell no. (OK, hell yes, but I'm going somewhere else with this.) I'm talking about a full perspective. Most of the big hitters are released near the end of the year, leaving the rest of the year utterly depressed.

I am here to fix that with my own wacky brand of GOTY celebrations. Last year, I honored the very users of this site; this year, I will honor THE YEAR ITSELF! Rather than go crazy with the categories, I'll go on a month to month basis, picking out the best, worst, and most mathematically average game there. Then, at the end, I'll select the most representative of those and tie things up. Before I get into it, though, let me say that I'll be choosing games based on when I uploaded the banner for a blog, so as to get a more complete (if infinitely more confusing) image of my own gaming year. Oh, and speaking of banners, I'll include a picture from Planet Laika in each one. I find it appropriate, since that's a game where you can collect the fucking months themselves. Besides, I still have all these images eating a hole in my computer, and I have to kill them somehow. That settled? Let's dive right in.

Best Game

Well, this has already blown up in my face. The first month of the year, and there's not a lot that could fit the best category. Oh, sure, I played quite a few notable games here, but each one had their own fatal flaw that prevents it from claiming this very minor title. Snake Eater has this high school douche nozzle. Typing of the Dead has ironically ironic idiocy. Pokemon Conquest....OK, I don't have many issues with Pokemon Conquest, as far as I can remember, but I do know of one game that deserves this title more than that. Namely, Harmful Park. You know, that super obscure shooter with really cool set pieces and awesome weapons? Did any other game even stand a chance here?

Worst Game

What the fuck? Somehow, I have even less bad games to deal with here. What's going on? Why am I only dealing with an educational Popeye game and a dull beat em up from the early Genesis era? Don't I have anything else? (Yea, I potentially have Golden Sun, but I wouldn't call it outright bad. Meandering and unfocused, but not bad.) Well, hard to complain now. Just gotta deal with what I've got, which is surprisingly easy. Last Battle, definitely. At least Popeye serves some sort of purpose, and I can imagine somebody getting some kind of brief ironic enjoyment out of it. I can't say any of that for Last Battle, a game that I'd say had a bad translation if it made any sense in the original Japanese. So congratulations, Last Battle, for your accomplishment in ass.

Averagest Game

So if there weren't a lot of good games this month and not a lot of bad games, what does that equal? That's right: tons and tons of simply average games. I feel like a kid in a store! Or at least I would if I wasn't bound by that fickle bitch known as mathematics. She set the average at 6.8, and the closest game to hit that mark was Snake's Revenge, at....6.8. Setting the mark high, aren't we? Well, at least I can remember this average game, as a Metal Gear Solid game for the type of person who doesn't have the patience to play through a Metal Gear Solid game. Ideally, this would be reserved for a game I don't remember, but who am I to disagree with math?

Best Game

Alright, now we're getting somewhere. Finally, some meatier games to deal with. Specifically, I get Amnesia, one of two games to convince me that survival horror might be worth it. How, exactly? By focusing on world building instead of gameplay mechanics that have no business being here. But Amnesia, being a survival horror game, never had any chance of winning the GOTM. So instead, I shall bequeath it unto Kid Icarus. What happens when Seth MacFarlane's hired to write a Disney movie? Mildly funny pop culture references. But I'd keep it in Uprising for two reasons: first, it adds some type of charm to the game. Not sure what charm, but there's definitely a charm. Not enough for you? How about some kickass on rail segments and cool combat segments? That should be enough.

Worst Game

This one's gonna be the hard category for February. I mean, I played so many good games in February that it's difficult to choose one for such a nasty category as worst GOTM. But I’m not completely without choices. Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors seems the exceedingly obvious candidate. It’s the Menger sponge of of video game writing in that it has more plot holes than it does plot points. Combine that with leaps in logic that I'm sure set some type of Olympic record somewhere and other such mechanical weaknesses, this has gotta be the worst February game, right? Surprisingly, no. From out of left field comes a pointless South Park trivia game to steal the....what's the opposite of gold? Lead? To steal the lead from 999! I'd say the joke's on South Park, but I don't think it would've earned this spot if it had something approximating humor.

Averagest Game

Now this shouldn't be too hard. I'm never at a shortage for average games, and the average for this month is 7.0. I give fucking everything a seven! This should be easy. Too easy, in fact. At first, I was going to give it to Tiny Toon Adventures: Buster's Hidden Treasure, standing pretty at 7.4, but then I remembered Cadash, with a much closer 6.8. That's the mark of a truly average game: it took me some actual effort to remember that it even existed. You're doing God's work, Cadash.

Best Game

This was a no-brainer. Part of that's because March turned out to be an average to mediocre month for games, but a much larger part is that even if there were better games that month, I doubt they'd be able to complete with BIT.TRIP RUNNER. Now this is a weird game to explain. I mean, describing the gameplay doesn't do it justice (hit buttons when the game tells you? *yawn*), and telling you it looks fantastic makes me come across as horribly shallow. But BIT.TRIP Runner....I don't even know how to put it. It just traps you in the moment and you just never want it to end? It's like rhythm games and platformers had a beautiful orgy, and then the people at Gaijin Games put down the heroin needle long enough to turn that into a game.

Worst Game

As always, I have to go with my heart and pick the most obscure game possible for this category. Sorry, Metro 2033; your poor use of cinematics and overly punishing stealth sections didn't cut it as the worst of March. And I can't remember anything about Zombie Nation and people remember that it exists. So what gets the coveted award? Miracle Girls. You know, that vapid, bare bones platformer where you play as two girls rescuing their friends (presumably)? Well, actually, you don't know, given how stupidly obscure it is. Tis but a sample of the beauty that is Renegade Ego. Anyway, not a big fan of Miracles Girl. Next up:

Averagest Game

So if the Best and Worst sections were easy, what does that mean about the Averagest? That's right: I get to sift through a lot of average stuff! Nightsky, Sorcerer's Kingdom, Uniracers, oh the ehness! Where will it end? With math. Remember: this is a math-based category, and this month, we've got an average of 6.6. Aero the Acrobat flies in to snatch the award with its 6.7 score. In a way, it feels appropriate. When you think of the average mascot platformer (emphasis on average), chances are that platformer is Aero the Acrobat. That shall be Aero's legacy: complete averageness.

Best Game

Well, this is certainly going to be an awkward entry. My laptop was out of commission for a good portion of the month (remember that blog where I posted Norse runes alongside shitty stick figures?), limiting my selection of games for this feature. Want to know what makes this even weirder? I didn't even blog about the game I'm choosing as the best of April. That's right, I'm talking about Path of Radiance. What did you expect? It's a Fire Emblem game, and just whispering the word "fire" gives me a raging erection in anticipation of the emblem. (I should probably have a doctor examine that.) But ignoring that, you still get...well, I just linked the review. Why bother repeating myself?

Worst Game

Remember when I said that this was going to be an awkward entry? I wasn't kidding. Apparently, the worst game of April is Dungeon Explorer. Now what the hell's that doing here? I remember it actually being OK. Not great, but OK. If anything, it should be the in the Average category. Hey, speaking of that...

Averagest Game

OK, this seems a tad unfair. Remember what I said about my laptop fan crapping out on me limiting my selection of games for this part of the year? That becomes even more of a problem when one of the categories is based on mathematical averages. Case in point: Ghost Sweeper Mikami gets the award for averagest game at 7.4, just one point off from the average of 7.5. Of course, looking back on it, I wouldn't describe this game as average. I think the level where you're riding atop rooftops by catback elevate this game well past simply average. But math gets what math wants, because math is an incredibly stubborn dick.

Best Game

Well, this is an obvious choice. It may not appear so to you, since I've got BioShock Infinite and Halo 4 and some other games going up against each other, but you have to keep in mind that I didn't really like BioShock Infinite. However, I did like Halo 4, which is why I have no choice but to give this award to The Walking Dead. Wait, what? Did you forget that I played that game some while ago, too? Sure, it may not have a roster of alien weapons that each serve very similar purposes, or a magic blue lady dividing herself into six other magical blue ladies to take down the bad guy, but it does have a good story. A really, really good story. Sure, half the cast is completely unlikeable (BEN), but despite that, The Walking Dead still does a fantastic job of getting its point across and making sure the game parts contribute to that point, too. Much unlike....

Worst Game

Presumably. I'm not even sure if the worst game here even really has a point, or even a reason to exist. Can anybody tell me why Beauty and the Beast was turned into a video game in the first place? I don't remember the movie lending itself well to any type of game outside maybe a visual novel (less Katawa Shoujo and more Let's Meow Meow), and the fact that this isn't a visual novel should tell you all you need to know about its quality. Which is exactly why I'm moving onto the next section before anybody chimes in with a smartass comment about visual novels.

Averagest Game

What a perfect month for average game of the.....month. What I probably should have said is that this month saw an odd abundance of middling to mediocre games. If you wanted a game that technically existed, this was the month to go to. From Magicka to Madoola, Ghoul Patrol to fourth option, this game served all my average needs. But in the end, only one game can hit the average mark of 6.2. Sadly, none of them did, so how about I choose the nearest one: Tomb Raider II at 6.3. What does it say about this franchise that "sort of OK" is considered an improvement?

Best Game

And so we reach the halfway point of the year. So many memorable experiences these past six month. The great, the terrible, the average....oh, especially the average. Of course, considering that there's still half a year to look forward to, this probably isn't the best place for reminiscence. (Then again, I might as well, since just about everything after this month will be posted next year.) Instead, we must settle the here and now: what was the best game of June? All things considered, I have to give it to Liberation Maiden. It might have only been an hour long, but man, it managed to pack so much action in such a short amount of time that I'm honestly surprised that Persona 3 is gonna win this category, instead. How could I ignore all that time I spent with illustrious characters such as Mass Murderin' Mamoru, Apparently Transexual Akinari, and, of course, Brooklyn Rage? How can anybody?

Worst Game

Oh, like there's even a fucking choice. Planet Laika.

Averagest Game

This one....isn't so obvious. Initially, it looks like Yumimi Mix is a shoe-in for this award. Nobody's ever heard of it, and while I can't name any significant faults with it, I can't sell anything about it enthusiastically, either. Perfect fit until we discuss score. 6.0. That's quite a ways away from the 7.1 average for the month. But you know what's much closer? Assassin's Creed III at 7.3. An odd fit, considering that it contains a story so bad that the title has the word "ass" in it twice, as if warning you of what's to come. But then there's the typical Assassin's Creed gameplay that I actually like quite a bit. Maybe the two balance out into a perfectly average experience? That's certainly something to put on the back of the box.

And that's it for now. Tune in on the 31st to see the rest of this madness.

#1 Posted by jiggajoe14 (792 posts) -

"and just whispering the word "fire" gives me a raging erection"

Alright you now have my undivided attention.

I'm really going to have to play a Fire.................................wait for it................................Emblem game one of these damn days.

#2 Posted by pyromagnestir (4336 posts) -

Somehow I understand what's going on even less this year than last.

#3 Edited by Video_Game_King (36272 posts) -

Somehow I understand what's going on even less this year than last.

Mission accomplished.

#4 Edited by EXTomar (4921 posts) -

Planet Laika is one of those "How in the hell did this get produced?" games. I am still not quite sure that it a real game where sometimes I wonder if it is more like a Boogey Man game that you would tell your grandchildren about: You need to be good and listen to your parents or you will only be able to play Planet Laika.

#5 Edited by ILikePopCans (768 posts) -

Yeah, it took a second try for me to decipher this thing into something I can understand. Interesting read!