Just read your story duder, sent you a PM with a link to some more specific edits and thoughts. You want some thoughts? YOU GOT EM
1. Reads like a response to some ideas we've seen recently in Game of T etc: honor & servitude: why do we serve who we serve? What are the conditions that will break our oathes? This is a great topic and you manage to explore it very well in a really short space. A very positive remark I have about the story is that I was curious to learn more from the little bits of history you dropped.
2. There are some cliches that I think you can kill pretty easy. Often we write these just cuz. The words just happen. For example: "I was the best swordsman alive!" "living in the father's shadow" & and "the king's eternal youth" (not your words just calling your attention to the passages). I'm not saying *not* to have these. But you could communicate these in a more subtle way I believe.
3. The descriptions are very strong. Good "feeling" in the story, good pacing, very visual, which I think is among the most important characteristics of good writing.
4. Make some decisions about word style: 1) do you want to capitalize King like we do God? Sometimes you do, sometimes not. 2) I'd be wary of words like Teenager, Handiwork, Analyze, Minute, Attempted Murder -> some of these are just too modern sounding for your tale.
5. Where's the bad ass title? "The King's Shield" "The Condemned" "Oathbreaker: How To Traitor"
6. I feel the character being old could use just a dash more description. I can't tell quite how old.. I assumed 40s, 50s, since he said he trained lots of dudes but of course in medieval societies we rarely have old old dudes - but yeah. You don't need to be literal, but, yeah. A few more hints?
7. I get the feeling you want to establish an emotional link between Karesh and the "hero", and you do, a little, with the memory of the kneeling ceremony, but this is a possible space of expansion as well. However, I wonder, since the hero is a hostage, if he doesn't feel some hatred towards Karesh. Was he a hostage who fell in love with his new home (and maybe resented that feeling)? Or is Karesh a beautiful place to him? Or maybe it just makes him think of home?
8. The king defending himself against a dude who spent his life training other dudes to kill.... I would protect this position a little stronger. Maybe the hero was already old when he faced the king? Maybe there is an implication the king was an incredible adept learner?
9. bada boom bada bing
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