Well, it’s been a while since I’ve really posted anything… which may mean that I’ve done something right for once. Looks like I’m about to do the wrong thing now! I’ve just decided to do a blog about my current feelings about life and whatnot, so if you’re interested read on. If not, then no need to read any further.
It’s been a year since my dad has passed away. The feeling and the visions I have of seeing him die is still very fresh in my mind, and I’ll never be able to forget about it and really recover. One can say that I’ve changed since then and been doing a good job of finally growing up and taking on new responsibilities, which is something that my parents have always wanted for me. At 24, I’m finally going to get a well fought for driver’s license soon regardless of my eye problem, finally going to graduate college soon after a long 5 ½ years studying business, and finally going to get a job while taking care of my now disabled mother whom I very much now appreciate and love even more. She is the one person who has been my rock, and is the reason why I continue on, as sad as it is. I know she’ll eventually go, but by then I should have gathered enough knowledge, will, wisdom, strength and courage to continue on life without her. After all these years, I now know what she has gone through when it comes to sacrifice, laundry, dishes, cooking, finances, and other normal and important life lessons and responsibilities. Even though life for me has taken a 360 degree change for the good, I still feel like the hopeless, ugly, depressed, bitter, lonely and incredibly naive person that I feel like I’ve been for my entire life. Among all these positive changes, I wonder why I’m still not happy and feel the same.
It wasn’t till I moved to my new and distant home till I really realized who the true friends are, especially when it came to my mom and her friends because I never really had any. It wasn’t till I moved away when I discovered who in the family really counted, and there isn’t much family for sure. I know that it’s really going to take a long time before I ever have a good real life friend and find someone who actually does give a shit for once! I’ve always tried to look for the good in people, but I notice more bad than good. I tend to overlook the bad much of the time and look at the good, but it’s probably why I feel like I’m a stupid, naive unhelpful and perhaps bad person who is easy to screw over because I want to be nice. Most anybody anymore just wants you as your friend because of what you can do for them and what they can get from you; as we all should know, that is not what a friend is… however, it’s what it’s become. Since that’s what it’s become, I may as well stop trying to search for a friend because the headache that comes with it isn’t worth it. Maybe someone will just come to me instead.
For all my life, I’ve been condemned because of how I act and how I’m not like everyone else in the neighborhood, community, town, street or whatever. When I say I’m not like anyone else, I mean that I haven’t got anyone pregnant, I haven’t been seen or ever been spotted on a date with anyone, I’ve never drank, I’ve never done drugs, I’m not just a high school graduate, and the list continues on! I’m tired of being condemned because I’m not any of those things. I’m ready to cut every unhelpful influence in my life, and tell everyone who continues to condemn me to go fuck themselves. I’m my own person. I make my own decisions, and it’s not for anybody to decide or egg on what they think I should do otherwise. The only reason why I haven't cut everyone off is because I still want to get along with them, and it sucks! It’s almost as if people want to see me do something stupid or something that they want me to do. If I truly don’t want to do something that concerns the direction of my life, I am not going to do it. If I want to do something, then there isn’t going to be anyone in the right mind that is going to get in my way, because I bite and will leave a mark. People tell me that I need a girlfriend all the time and that if I don’t get one, consider myself gay. I don’t know how many times where I’ve wanted to kick their balls down their throat (if it’s a guy telling me that I need one), or dislocate their vagina (if it’s a girl telling me that I need one). Just because I want to get along with them like a complete idiot, I tell a lie that I’m seeing someone so they can quit bugging the living hell out of me. I’ve got real close to telling them the truth, which is the fact that I am truly disgusted by what humans do to each other when they are horny; however I’ve held back from the because it’ll only cause nothing but utter disaster. I’m an asexual dammit! I want to be left alone in that matter, and I don’t care if it’s not normal. I don’t care what I’m missing out on, and I don’t care if it’s considered being selfish (and it’s not!), because it’s my decision after all on what I want to do. Don’t get me wrong, I want a lifelong friend… but I’d rather keep my distance when it comes to the sex department. Even if I was interested in such things, no one in the right mind would ever want to date or boink with ugly old me! The whole idea is disgusting to me, but it's something that can be dealt with.
Despite all the good things that are coming my way, I can’t help control my feeling of doubt, un-fulfillment, and other anxieties. Maybe it’s just the way everything is supposed to be. Maybe it’s not meant for a being like me to be happy, but I can still try to live in the best way I can regardless of what happens to me or others. That’s what most everyone does, correct?
Anyways… thanks for reading all the gibberish if you read all this all the way. Writing my feelings down sometimes helps me un-stress, so maybe it's worth it.
P.S. Here's a piece of music that I really like and want to share!