Life after the death of a parent, one year later.

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve really posted anything… which may mean that I’ve done something right for once. Looks like I’m about to do the wrong thing now! I’ve just decided to do a blog about my current feelings about life and whatnot, so if you’re interested read on. If not, then no need to read any further.

It’s been a year since my dad has passed away. The feeling and the visions I have of seeing him die is still very fresh in my mind, and I’ll never be able to forget about it and really recover. One can say that I’ve changed since then and been doing a good job of finally growing up and taking on new responsibilities, which is something that my parents have always wanted for me. At 24, I’m finally going to get a well fought for driver’s license soon regardless of my eye problem, finally going to graduate college soon after a long 5 ½ years studying business, and finally going to get a job while taking care of my now disabled mother whom I very much now appreciate and love even more. She is the one person who has been my rock, and is the reason why I continue on, as sad as it is. I know she’ll eventually go, but by then I should have gathered enough knowledge, will, wisdom, strength and courage to continue on life without her. After all these years, I now know what she has gone through when it comes to sacrifice, laundry, dishes, cooking, finances, and other normal and important life lessons and responsibilities. Even though life for me has taken a 360 degree change for the good, I still feel like the hopeless, ugly, depressed, bitter, lonely and incredibly naive person that I feel like I’ve been for my entire life. Among all these positive changes, I wonder why I’m still not happy and feel the same.

It wasn’t till I moved to my new and distant home till I really realized who the true friends are, especially when it came to my mom and her friends because I never really had any. It wasn’t till I moved away when I discovered who in the family really counted, and there isn’t much family for sure. I know that it’s really going to take a long time before I ever have a good real life friend and find someone who actually does give a shit for once! I’ve always tried to look for the good in people, but I notice more bad than good. I tend to overlook the bad much of the time and look at the good, but it’s probably why I feel like I’m a stupid, naive unhelpful and perhaps bad person who is easy to screw over because I want to be nice. Most anybody anymore just wants you as your friend because of what you can do for them and what they can get from you; as we all should know, that is not what a friend is… however, it’s what it’s become. Since that’s what it’s become, I may as well stop trying to search for a friend because the headache that comes with it isn’t worth it. Maybe someone will just come to me instead.

For all my life, I’ve been condemned because of how I act and how I’m not like everyone else in the neighborhood, community, town, street or whatever. When I say I’m not like anyone else, I mean that I haven’t got anyone pregnant, I haven’t been seen or ever been spotted on a date with anyone, I’ve never drank, I’ve never done drugs, I’m not just a high school graduate, and the list continues on! I’m tired of being condemned because I’m not any of those things. I’m ready to cut every unhelpful influence in my life, and tell everyone who continues to condemn me to go fuck themselves. I’m my own person. I make my own decisions, and it’s not for anybody to decide or egg on what they think I should do otherwise. The only reason why I haven't cut everyone off is because I still want to get along with them, and it sucks! It’s almost as if people want to see me do something stupid or something that they want me to do. If I truly don’t want to do something that concerns the direction of my life, I am not going to do it. If I want to do something, then there isn’t going to be anyone in the right mind that is going to get in my way, because I bite and will leave a mark. People tell me that I need a girlfriend all the time and that if I don’t get one, consider myself gay. I don’t know how many times where I’ve wanted to kick their balls down their throat (if it’s a guy telling me that I need one), or dislocate their vagina (if it’s a girl telling me that I need one). Just because I want to get along with them like a complete idiot, I tell a lie that I’m seeing someone so they can quit bugging the living hell out of me. I’ve got real close to telling them the truth, which is the fact that I am truly disgusted by what humans do to each other when they are horny; however I’ve held back from the because it’ll only cause nothing but utter disaster. I’m an asexual dammit! I want to be left alone in that matter, and I don’t care if it’s not normal. I don’t care what I’m missing out on, and I don’t care if it’s considered being selfish (and it’s not!), because it’s my decision after all on what I want to do. Don’t get me wrong, I want a lifelong friend… but I’d rather keep my distance when it comes to the sex department. Even if I was interested in such things, no one in the right mind would ever want to date or boink with ugly old me! The whole idea is disgusting to me, but it's something that can be dealt with.

Despite all the good things that are coming my way, I can’t help control my feeling of doubt, un-fulfillment, and other anxieties. Maybe it’s just the way everything is supposed to be. Maybe it’s not meant for a being like me to be happy, but I can still try to live in the best way I can regardless of what happens to me or others. That’s what most everyone does, correct?

Anyways… thanks for reading all the gibberish if you read all this all the way. Writing my feelings down sometimes helps me un-stress, so maybe it's worth it.

Ty

P.S. Here's a piece of music that I really like and want to share!

Sounds like you have the right mindset. If your acquaintances can't accept your sexuality (or lack thereof), leave them in the dust! Sorry to hear about your father, and good luck with your job.

Gonna start job hunting next month after I graduate. So far, I qualify for a very broad area of jobs with the bachelors in this particular area, so it does give me some sort of hope that I'll get something good.

You are who you are, man, don't let anyone tell you who you should be and what you should do. I hope you find happiness in life soon, and good luck getting a job, of course.

@tireyo643: I think you should tell your "friends" about you being asexual. and like Nickieroonie said...

Death always scares me. I never had a parent or love one die. My mom is sick though, we cant exactly afford the cost of the surgery so she's in pain most of the time. I was real scared when we actually had to call the ambulance to take her to the hospital because she couldn't breath. I'm sorry for the loss of your father and I hope you are doing well.

I did tell one, and all they did is do the "yeah right" laugh and tried to set me up with some pill popper. So, I just just feel obligated to lie about that as sad as it is. =-( Kinda makes things easier really. With increasing age though, I'll have to be much more clever. It ain't easy to do, and I don't want to do it.

I don't really listen to negative influences like I used to, because I thought it would actually help. I don't let anyone tell me what to do anymore unless it's my mom or if I just ask for it. =-P I don't refuse her much of nothing, but we do get in a normal mother and son argument every once in a while. HAHA. Also, Thanks. =-)

This is gonna sound insensitive and intrusive and maybe even mean, but I don't mean any negativity when I say it. This question comes purely out of curiosity. And a slight buzz.

Here goes...

Have you ever masturbated or simply never had the urge to do so? I'm ignorant as to the medical specifics of being asexual so forgive me, but I feel like all that sperm building up would cause a lot of repressed tension. Or maybe that's nullified by the complete lack of sexual feelings towards others. I don't know, but this type of thing kinda piques my curiosity in a weird way.

So very true...but I wouldn't let that discourage you from making friends. Sometimes, true friends don't just come to you, it's mostly up to you to break the ice but if you think of yourself as a good judge of character then it can help you in deciding who's a true friend. Over time, you'll be able to differentiate who cares about you more, and I hope that you do since you seem like a truly great person. Keep your chin up man.

The first year is the hard one, my dad died when I was 16 the end of June 2007. I am 22 now and it still bothers me quite a bit but not the way it used to, as far as the asexual bit I don't get it but got to do what you got to do.

@everyones_a_critic said:

I will answer any question you got for me when it comes to this matter. I do not have any sexual or romantic feelings toward others; however, that hasn't really stopped me from masturbating every once in a while when it gets hard for no reason, like what a typical male goes through in the morning, though it is not too often. Perhaps if I ever gain trust in someone, develop romantic or sexual feelings toward someone, let the guard down, gain some self-confidence, and if I just somehow just fall in love... then maybe, just maybe I'll get over this asexual thing. It's highly unlikely to happen though unfortunately. I really wish it would happen though so everyone would shut up and stop bothering me so bad about not having anyone, but the way I am now is just the way it is. =-\

Thanks, and I hope that I can find a "real" friend too.

You got that right! Also, I don't get it too. =-P I wish it was different.

@tireyo643: Hopefully all is well for you sir. Keep on truckin.

Glad to hear you're doing better. Keep at it.

And if I'm reading it right and people around you are suggesting that you might be gay in more of an accusatory way than a misguided teasing way, never let them know about your asexuality. I know it will probably be very difficult but distance yourself from them ASAP.

Sucks about your dad, Been there many times (see my own blog post if you'd like) glad that you've made some effort to grow from it though, many don't.

I'm gonna say though have you tried talking to a professional? I don't want to assume too much or get into things publicly but you seem to have a lot of trust issues in general, I'd imagine you had some pretty memorable stuff happen in your youth, and not for the better. Combine that with your fathers death and the general Malaise 20 somethings usually go through and it gets frustrating.

Beyond that I will offer something a bit more anecdotal, I've always (well since I've stopped being a dumb larvae anyway) said assume the best, but expect the worst. I generally love people, love interacting, learning, talking, listening, but society fucking sucks and will let you down again and again. If you want to get close to people you need to get past the layer of bullshit and stereotypes and expectations that society puts us all in from birth, when all that is gone you can have a real friendship is some form.

Good Luck

@i_stay_puft: Thank you.

@starvinggamer: You would be surprised how many people I've cut off. It actually felt good to get rid of the negative influences telling me what to and what not to do; however, there is always that hint of doubt if I ever did the right thing or not.

@zfubarz: No I have not talked with a professional, and luckily I've been fixing a few problems myself. It's part of being able to survive and stay tough, and I set goals to try and make life better. Yes, I didn't have the greatest of time in school, but some things I have overcome as it's a part of growing up. One of those things was seeking approval from some. The only approval I need to really seek is my own. When it comes to society, my head is now turned and I will not (don't intend anyway) look back anymore like I did, and just be myself for once. The stress of it -the thoughts and the gossip- all still irritates me a little, but like a kidney stone, it'll pass eventually. Thank you for your advice and everything else.

You all are the reason why I like Giantbomb and come back and visit often or every so often. It actually gives me hope, believe it or not, that there are still a few decent strangers that live on this earth.

It sounds to be like you are just too close minded to embrace what's around you. Friendships aren't built on healthy habits and perfection.

@gamefreak9 said:

I think you need to explain yourself better on where you get off telling me that I seem to be too close minded to embrace what's around me, and that friendships aren't built on healthy habits and perfection. I don't even know you, you don't really know me and you telling me this is really awkward and strange. Provide an example, or perhaps state what you would do if you were to be in my shoes to give me a better idea of what you're implying by those comments.

I mean that you seem to take the approach "this is how i am, hopefully somebody will like me". Instead of being like "What's a good way to bond with people?". Its this illusion of character, I used to have it too, always saying no to drugs and smoking and drinking or w/e. I would tell myself "its okay you are just not normal but you will still bond with people", but the truth is there are three kinds of friendships, the first is the true, which you develop over long years and by evolving as a person in tandem with someone else, where you don't rely on having things in common or having things to talk about. The second is the "fun one" where people only hang out with you because they want to have fun, as soon as you change and aren't fun anymore they will ditch you. Then there's the "I want something from you", whether you are a rich dude, or have access to something(maybe a person).

Luckily for me I do have one or two of the first type, and it only comes about you show character change or development, we gradually started smoking cigars after submitting papers going on long sailing trips etc. The others is likely what you will wind up with if you aren't willing to shake your foundations or morals. If I were in your shoes I would try and hang out with everyone around me, not judge anyone, and if they invite me to some sort of event/activity I would say yes no matter what it involves. I'm only a dick because i've also realize how shitty the world is, and you gotta work hard to extract pleasure from it.

@gamefreak9: That seems like odd advice to me, and as per his response, you could have stated it with a little more of your own open-mindedness. Perhaps your point has just come off a bit wrong.

I think we can be open to people being different from you, and in this case, the OP seems to be different from you. And that's alright. It's okay to have your own personal principles and morals. You clearly have your own, even if you believe they are malleable to some extent. You're free to be that kind of person, but he's also free to be who he is. People don't need to give up their morals to connect with others. What they can put aside are personal preferences and tastes. For example, I'm not a big fan of horror movies, but if someone is super into them, I'd be willing to give them a chance. Or I'm not big on Thai food, but that doesn't mean I won't ever eat at a Thai place if someone wants to go. Sometimes friends have different opinions on political issues, and you can be considerate and work through any disagreements, as well. These are examples of putting others first sometimes when it comes to personal preferences, not setting aside your morals.

If someone wants to smoke, they can do that, but only a crappy friend would base their friendship on whether you smoked with them. Or, for a more direct issue of morals, if someone is an asshole, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to lower yourself to accepting their asshole-ishness. If a friend acts like an idiot, you should, as a friend, want the best for them, and that means sometimes mentioning when you think they might be doing something stupid or hurtful. If a friend cheats on his girlfriend, it's possible you could just set aside your morals and say he did the right thing, encouraging his behavior, but a real friend, when asked their opinion of a mistake, would note how mistaken what they're doing is. Friends shouldn't just be yes men. Friends are fellow full human beings whose interactions both support and improve one another. You shouldn't ever toss aside your morals or personal principles for someone else, but you can listen and be accommodating to their different preferences and personality. That's how you can be open-minded; not by betraying what you stand for as an individual.

Real character change and development is from becoming better friends to one another. Learning how to listen and be considerate of the differences of the other. Opening up and being willing to accept a bit of weakness so a friend might be strong for you, and vice versa. You're still distinct people, but over time, friendships can improve and sharpen each person, like two blades rubbed together. Find the kind of people who bring out the best in who you are, and hopefully, you can be that kind of person for others, as well. That's true of friendship and most personal relationships.

@truthtellah: Although I agree with most of what you said, I don't think its realistic for the creation of new friends, its only functional once you've established some weak links. You can't meet people by telling the truth and abiding to some high and mighty principles. Eventually you can revert back to whatever you feel most comfortable in but before that you must take character risks to put yourself out there, because even though true friendships exist, their basis is the sunk cost fallacy before that people will only approach you for their personal gain, and i'm pretty sure you would rather someone approaches you because you are fun rather than you have something they want.

The only exception to these rules is when the other person is kind of in the same position you are but I find that most people above the ages of like 20 have already established circles and friends and if you are going to win their time they need to think you are fun or maybe it just happens that your morals coincide very well, but that's not likely if you restrict yourself to not doing things XYZ.

Maybe we're using different definitions of "morals", but to meet someone, you generally don't need to compromise your morals. And you certainly don't have to do that to spend time with someone. Are you sure you're not just lumping in personal preferences with morals? What do you consider morals to be bent in meeting friends? I mean, "not liking bars" isn't a moral; that's a personal preference. So, to meet new friends, you might have to go to places you don't necessarily like. Heck, you might even need to do things you don't enjoy a ton, like watching a ball game. But those are all personal preferences, not morals. Unless you're somehow morally-opposed to sports, which would be nutty. Morals would be like "I don't treat people like shit" or "I'm not going to ruin my body by using drugs." You don't need to do stuff like that to make friends. You sometimes have to accommodate for different likes and dislikes, but that's a far cry from moral dilemmas. If you just mean that he should be open to doing some things he may not prefer or take more risks, that's not the same as selling your morals to make friends.

There are plenty of people in the world who aren't just morally repugnant to you. So, he shouldn't need to compromise that to get along with people. Instead, he just needs to branch out and be considerate of the differences of others. He may even find that some of those people he wrote off have more depth to them. That doesn't mean he has to get a girl pregnant or quit his job or something. It just means putting yourself out there and trying to get to know people better.

@truthtellah: @gamefreak9: No need to discuss things any further. You both do have opposing views, and it'll just end up in a big circle (no agreements on anything). I do think that I can give enough respect to say who I do agree with, and that is TruthTellah. I do respect your input gamefreak9. You have explained yourself well, but it's unfortunately not the way I see things. I believe that we can leave it at this. Thank you both. =-)