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The Description of the Golden Pantaloons:


The Golden Pantaloons did surely see the beginnings of our realm; tho I must press that they "saw" this formative time by their simple presence, and not through some vestigial eyes that might have erupted through a rear pocket perhaps concealing teeth, and other improbable extremities. I am sure that the various owners of the pantaloons can attest to the general lack of animated digits or ocular sensors, as evidenced by the continued sanctity and privacy maintained by their respective buttocks.

Lyric pantoums of an age long since out of print speak of "trousers that were as metal, though soft about the shanks." While it might be easy to jump to the seemingly inevitable conclusion that the trousers rose while Netheril fell, it is doubtful that the pantaloons were the garments of which they speak. One must clarify these oft-misquoted verses with knowledge of the Pantechnicon, an ancient bazaar once prized for Silver Pantalets. Fine these may have been, but golden they were not. Nickel Panties are also said to be currently available, though the dockside establishments that claim to offer these products are beyond my meager experience, and thus I can make no report.

The purpose of the Pantaloons is as mysterious as ever, and will likely remain so until the Pantocrator himself returns, though some properties can be divined through intimate observation. The "uplifting" properties of the gusset very nearly defy gravity, shaping quite nicely both the front and the rear. The improved contour would likely improve self-esteem for a wearer of either sex. I would hazard a guess, however, that this continuing self delusion might actually hamper cognitive functions, and care should be taken in the wearing of any pantaloons of golden nature.

The enigma of the Pantaloons has been solved, and can be read here.

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