It's my first review in the site.

Would love some feedback please. Really want to improve

http://www.giantbomb.com/metal-gear-solid-v-the-phantom-pain/3030-40796/user-reviews/2200-28846/

Thank you

Two main things that really stood out to me: You overuse parenthetical commentary and tend to write extremely long run-on sentences. I think you could improve the review significantly with some editing and rewriting.

An example of a part of your review that shows both of these problems is here:

Light and sound effects are top tier and the production of camera angles, effects and artistic style are all blended in a very heavy but meaningful style that are really the better coherent realization of the themes that Kojima wanted to invoke (I will talk about my problems with cohesion down below).

Beyond being a run-on sentence, the parenthetical comment isn't necessary. Just move into the next paragraph and start discussing your problems with cohesion. You don't need to tell your readers what they're about to read next. If you find yourself having to remind your readers what they're reading about and what is coming next, you might have a flow problem on your hands. The structure of your paper should make sense and flow naturally from one section to another. If you find that you are jumping around or having to make parenthetical comments to tell your readers that they need to remember something from earlier in the review, perhaps some editing is in order. Another thing regarding this particular sentence: You say "Light and sound effects are top tier" and then say nothing else about the subject. Try explaining yourself to your readers. Give examples of the sound design or lighting that you think are top tier instead of just saying that they're good. Also, "heavy buy meaningful style" isn't telling your readers anything. What does that mean? What are you describing?

The same issue comes up again in the following section where you discuss the controls. The entire paragraph amounts to "The controls feel good." What feels good about the controls and why? Give specific examples and explain yourself.

Completely clear =)

Thank you

Will try to do one about The Witcher with those advises in mind

I meant to write something last night. Anyway, here's my feedback for what it's worth. And let me start by saying don't take any of this feedback the wrong way! Writing is hard, and you're only going to get better at it by writing more.

I think @mike's recommendations are very good as a starting off point. Also, you definitely needed another editing pass to catch some grammatical errors (ex: "especially the "Solid" arch" should be "arc.").

Your intro and concluding paragraphs are the areas I would spend the most time working on, as they're where you can lose the reader the easiest. Your intro three paragraphs feel like they're covering your premise even though they're split apart. There are a total of 186 words at this point in the review, and for the person who is coming to your review to read about the game, you still haven't really delved into the game by that point. A more concise point of how it's interesting how this game has evolved from the Japanese gaming market supported possibly later by points about the evolutionary path of the series would better deliver on your premise . Your concluding paragraph is almost 1/4 of the review at over 300 words. The final paragraph should be nothing more than an end summary of what you've said along with any final comments you want to make to cap off your review. If it's as long as it is here, that means there is content that should probably be moved to a separate paragraph.

Take Dan's recent Battlefront review:

"When Star Wars hit theaters in 1977, the concept of the summer blockbuster was still relatively new (Jaws is widely regarded as the original). Its numerous sequels and prequels joined A New Hope’s status as symbols of big-budget Hollywood escapism and the “popcorn” film. In many ways, Star Wars Battlefront feels like a popcorn game. From its slick presentation to its impressive visuals and iconic sound effects, Battlefront resembles Star Wars in almost every regard but longevity. The films have been cornerstones of pop culture for decades, but the game didn’t offer enough content to keep my attention beyond the initial dozen hours."

That's a pretty strong intro (despite the parenthetical comment about Jaws). By that point in the review he's told the reader that he thinks the game is mediocre and empty, and now he's going to spend the rest of the review explaining to you why.

You are both completely right

Thank you, and the next one will see those improvements