Through all of this, I only feel guilt.

I remember several months ago stumbling across a thread here on the Giant Bomb forums that was asking people who they would miss the most if they were to leave Giant Bomb for greener pastures. The idea of death had nothing to do with it, it was just a very simple but very difficult question: If someone were to leave, how would you feel?

I thought long, hard and what I thought was very realistically on the question. I can't remember if I posted what I thought in that thread or not and I don't feel like going back through my forum history JUST to check, because the only relevant thought that occurred to me then is this: If Ryan Davis alone were to leave, I would be sad, but I think overall, my Giant Bomb experience would not be drastically effected.

I was wrong. It was so easy to say that in the moment. It was all just hypothetical. I wish this wasn't how I found out the reality of it.

There is a hole in my heart and a hole in this website that no human being will ever be able to fill. I've gone and blocked the one in my heart off and it's going to take a while before I fill it with enough tears to the point where I can bear to look at it again. For now, it's just surreal to me. I've spent the last day or two just kind of walking around in a daze. Occasionally I let out a tear or two, but it's still registering with me. I only now am capable of finding a way to turn my feelings into words.

I turn twenty two next Saturday, on July 20. And for the first time in my life, I am dealing with the death of a friend.

We never met, we never exchanged words, but Ryan Davis was part of my daily life in some way or another for three whole years. I felt like I knew him very well. I learned his likes, dislikes, grew to love and even emulate his sense of humor and unfiltered joy for goofy, inane shit. I have never really followed the Bombcast but the few times I listened, I didn't feel like I was listening to a podcast about video games, I felt like I had been invited to sit in on a great group of guys just shooting the shit. It felt like a privilege, and I realize now that a big part of why it felt like that was Ryan's ability to host that show the way he did. It extended to the live shows they do. Something about having him sitting in the "head seat" there made everything just feel okay. You could just feel how much fun he was having and he was letting you in in that, sharing it with you in a way only he could. I think he and I could have got along famously if we'd ever been given the chance to know one another.

I'm sorry, Mr. Davis. You were the best friend I never met. I'm sorry for thinking what I did. You ARE Giant Bomb, as much as everyone else that makes up this website is Giant Bomb. There is no one person that makes this website what it is. It is all of you. And without you, Mr. Davis, the Giant Bomb I know and love is going to be a different place.

I was wrong.

12 Comments
12 Comments
Posted by LiquidPrince

I feel for you man. It's so much harder then one would think.

Posted by Milkman

As cliche as it is, you truly don't know what you have until it's gone. I'm going to miss him alot.

Online
Posted by MariachiMacabre

It's easy to forget how absolutely woven into the fabric of Giant Bomb that he was.

Posted by StarvingGamer

:'(

Posted by Demoskinos

HUGS.

Edited by ArtelinaRose

The house got together last night and drank ourselves stupid while we reminisced about Ryan Davis. My friend Ian is the hardest motherfucker I know, the kind of guy that broke his hand punching the side of a building and didn't even register it until the next day when he saw a doctor, but even he started bawling like a child.

We poured a shot of bourbon out for Ryan late into the evening and each had a shot ourselves in his memory. I was given the honor of being the one to do it and I like to think that's a way he would want to be remembered. Just a big wet spot on the ground produced by a pretend girl.

Posted by StarvingGamer

I like to think that's a way he would want to be remembered. Just a big wet spot on the ground produced by a pretend girl.

Taken out of context, I can't decide if this phrase is really funny or really dirty.

Which is what he would have wanted.

Posted by ArtelinaRose

@artemesia said:

I like to think that's a way he would want to be remembered. Just a big wet spot on the ground produced by a pretend girl.

Taken out of context, I can't decide if this phrase is really funny or really dirty.

Which is what he would have wanted.

I was going for both for that exact reason.

Posted by StarvingGamer

@starvinggamer said:

@artemesia said:

I like to think that's a way he would want to be remembered. Just a big wet spot on the ground produced by a pretend girl.

Taken out of context, I can't decide if this phrase is really funny or really dirty.

Which is what he would have wanted.

I was going for both for that exact reason.

/hug

Edited by ArtelinaRose

It still hasn't really registered with me that this guy is gone. I feel like I'm just pretending that he's dead, like it's an acting role I've been given to live my life like he's not going to come back. Inside, it feels like he's going to be back here on Thursday and Friday doing dumb shit but my mind knows that isn't going to happen. I am waiting for the reality of it to just rush over me. I feel very self indulgent just talking about it over and over like this, but... I don't know. Part of me feels like it just needs to be said, for other people to see it.

One more summer jam contribution for the King.

Edited by TooWalrus

Allow me to quote myself from a thread made last year:

@tunel said:

Is it me or that guy look like Ryan at 60.

@toowalrus said:

There's no way in hell ryan is making it to 60.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah. I feel guilty about making lite of the possibility of Ryan dying. God, I'm such an asshole.

Posted by ArtelinaRose

When I was very young my mother worked at a La-Z-Boy furniture store and at that time their mascots were two raccoons, Wendall and Al, and she had been given a stuffed raccoon toy that she brought home to me her second week of working there. It was my best friend for years and years, and I even have a stuffed raccoon today. It isn't the same one I had growing up but I love it just the same. Raccoons are very important to me.

I walked to work on July 3rd. There was a dead raccoon in the middle of the road along the way and it made me very sad because, again, raccoons are important to me. I live in a very urban area so it was kind of strange seeing it there because the closest place it could live is several miles away; raccoons just don't live around here. You see them on occasion, sure, but they don't live in our neighborhoods. It's so weird thinking about it now. I don't really believe in life giving you signs or things like that, but... it feels like it makes too much sense now. The symbolism of something important to me out of place, of something I love dead in the road, taken so early and in a way that didn't seem to make sense.