Well, since Arkham City just got released and I was in a mood for Batman, a Batmania you could say... I decided to rewatch an old Batman movie. The only one available on Instant Streaming was Batman Forever. And uh...

God, what a piece of shit. Ya know, it's funny how if you talk to Joel Schumacher these days, he'll swear up and down that Batman Forever was the good one. Batman and Robin ended up a disaster, but Batman Forever, that was his perfect Batman movie. Everything was firing on all cylinders on that one, he'll say. Batman Forever was the one where it all clicked.

Bullshit, I say. Watching this neon, bat-nippled (yes, the bat-nipples first made their appearance here, not B&R) monstrosity, I honestly find it just as bad as Batman and Robin. Tommie Lee Jones gives by far the worst performance of his long and illustrious career. This uh, this picture really sums up everything wrong with the movie:

Oh, and:

"Holey rusted metal, Batman!"
"Huh?"
"The ground, it's all metal. It's full of holes, ya know? Holey."

Unbelievably horrendous. After watching this, you wonder how the hell they greenlit another one.

Here's how I rate the first four Batman films:

Batman 89

+ Jack Nicholson's performance is great

+ Good art direction, Batmobile looks cool

+ Danny Elfman's score

+ Kim Basinger looks hot

+ Batwing flies up to the moon and makes Batsymbol and this looks cool

- Everything looks like a sound stage

- Prince soundtrack

- Batman kills the Joker

- Joker kills Wayne parents

- Batwing's targeting system sucks

- Alexander Knox

Overall, the positives and negatives are about in equal proportion. A mediocre film.

Batman Returns

+ Michelle Pfeiffer's performance is great

+ Batmobile still looks cool

- Penguin is a horrible villain

- Max Shreck is a horrible villain

- Penguin bites a guy's nose. WTF?

- Army of penguins with missiles on their backs

- Batman kills thug with a bomb

The negatives start to really outweigh the positives. This is a bad movie.

Batman Forever

+ Nicole Kidman looks hot

- Two-Face is awful

- Chris O'Donnell is awful

- Jim Carrey's Riddler is awful

- Batman's smile is awful

- Neon lighting everywhere

- Batmobile no longer looks cool

- "Holey rusted metal Batman!"

- Bat-nipples emerge

- Nygma's mind control machines look like glorified food processors

Almost no redeeming value. This is garbage.

Batman and Robin

- Everything

Worst movie ever made? Possibly.

What about the Nolan Batman movies?

What about the Nolan Batman movies?