This is a series of blogs where I take a dump on popular opinions. Be it games, movies or music, nothing is safe from the torrent of shit I command. Also, no animals were harmed in the making of this because I'm not a fucking savage, you dick!

Foreword

As the inaugural blog in the series, I just want to thank everyone for the support and love. I wouldn't be here if you all weren't such fucking dickheads that didn't know the backside of an ass from a good product. I don't blame you for having shitty opinions, but that doesn't mean that I can't make fun of you for it. As such, we might as well start things with bang. Our topic today shall be none other than Giant Bomb's 2011 GOTY (fuck you Brad!) aka The Elder Scrolls V: The Final Frontier Skyrim.

The monkeys have been on an exclusive diet of cabbage and eggplant (lots of fiber) and their arms are well-rested and ready to fling. Their eyes are thirsty for some Dovahkiin blood. Just look at them!

So you can probably tell I just saw Rise of The Planet of the Apes. Great film and so many great scenes. Like this one:

Ok, I'll stop now.

Why Your Shit Stinks

I previously blogged a bit about why I dislike Skyrim. To sum it up, it was the lack of storytelling, or rather the poor job that Bethesda does when it attempts to tell you a story. I've thought about it a bit more so I have a few more points to make about this.

As I was playing Skyrim last week, I stumbled on to a great example of exactly what bothers me about the storytelling. I was minding my own business, stealing mammoth cheese and catching butterflies (shut up) when I stumbled on to a house in the middle of nowhere. Inside this house I found a dead man, what I presume to be the owner, on his bed. There was a skillbook and some potatoes, but nothing of much value. However what bothered me was not the lack of loot, but the lack of explanation. Who was this man? Why was he killed? The game did absolutely nothing to explain this to me. Not a scrap of parchment or a bloody note. Nothing. The entire house completely lacked any significance.

I hate using the term "immersion" but, for a lack of better word, I'll make an exception here. This is where immersion breaks for me. It's like that house was a giant "Fuck you" from Bethesda. A time sink, a waste of time. It's entire existence lacks any justification except for some change in scenery.

For my second example I'd like to use the "Bioware method" as a counterpoint. Rather I'll use Mass Effect, Dragon Age and SWOTOR since those are the most recent Bioware games I've played, though this should apply to all (or most) of their other games as well. Lets talk companions. Rather the completely shitty and fucking useless companions in Skyrim (I'm looking at you Lydia!).

In a Bioware game, you have companions that travel with you and provide supporting dialogue, develop your and their character and generally provide lots of entertainment and a feeling of camaraderie. In Skyrim you have a mostly mute companion that occasionally curses while in combat and has the brain of a 2-year-old poodle that had a part of it's brain removed after a terrible car accident on 34th and 2nd. Even pathfinding seems to be an incredibly difficult task for them.

But lets leave the AI problems alone. That's not what makes me upset. What makes me upset is the complete fucking lack of any characterization of your companions. You have three basic options (Follow, Stay, Go Away) and that's it. They don't pipe-in to make comments during important story (lol) sequences. And they certainly don't seem to mind when you murder and entire village of farmers and leave their naked, bloody corpses on the street while their children run around playing hide-and-seek (Ok, seriously why can't I fucking kill kids Bethesda? They're so annoying! Also I'm pretty sure that's some form of discrimination. Just saying).

In an entire game world with thousands on NPCs and miles of terrain, I've never felt more alone.

I realize that my views on the storytelling are subjective and that some people enjoy that type of stuff (people also enjoy watching fat ladies step on rotten eggs, if you catch my drift), but there's an even bigger and more fundamental problem with the game: combat.

der Kampf

In a game where you spent 40-60% percent of your time in combat, it's fucking inexcusable to have such a shitty fighting system. It's bad, oh boy is it bad. In Failout 3 (original, I know) fighting consisted of running real close to an enemy, pressing the VATS button and aiming for the head, then backing away while you wait for your action points to recharge so you can do it again. I can't believe Bethesda managed to make a combat system that's even more boring, but they did.

First of all, lets get this straight. First Person Combat in any game sucks.

Chronicles of Riddick?

You betcha. All the cool parts involved you sneaking behind someone and initiating a canned animation kill. The face-to-face combat was a joke.

Condemned?

Also terrible. Your weapons constantly breaking did not help. At all.

Mirror's Edge?

LOL!

Dead Island?

Sure the Analog combat may seem like a good idea of paper, but anytime you fight more than one enemy, the entire thing just falls apart. Also those kicking animations are just ugh.

Quite frankly Skyrim never really had a shot in the first place. But what pisses me off is that they have the whole 3rd person perspective at the touch of a button, but somehow they managed to make that an even worse experience. We're talking "I'd rather get testicular cancer than play this crap" bad here. None of your swings feel like they have any weight to them and you never really know if your hit has connected. Furthermore the entire "heavy attack" bullshit is just that, bullshit! Canned killing animations seem to activate at random and enemies just tend to rush at you like mindless drones. Never thought I'd say this but I'd kill for a QTE in that game...

It's awful. It's boring. Worst of all it's not fun. Skyrim fails at the one reason games exist.

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So where are we left here? A game where the main gameplay mechanic is awful, boring and tedious combined with a poor storyline, undeveloped characters and a horrible sense of isolation. You may love it. You may think it's the best game you've ever played. But you're wrong. And ugly. And your breath stinks. And that's that.

Tune in next time where I rip Bastion a new one! <3