Hi.

I don't expect a lot of people to read this, but I think I need to get the words out of my head so I can get on with my day. If you do read, it, hey, thanks!

About a month ago, I got out of a long term relationship which meant a great deal to me. We were together for quite a long time, and I really thought that it was it. I thought she was the one that I'd spend my life with. We had a lot of incredible times together, and I was very sad to see it end. I didn't handle myself well in the breakup. I can't remember much of it, because my mind kinda blocked it out, but I know I was probably less than good. I think I begged her so stay. But I guess that's neither really here or there at the end of the day.

I've been in a pretty bad place, lately. I lost over a stone in weight when she left, I became incredibly depressed, and I found it hard to sleep. I couldn't make sense of anything that was going on, and everything just (and still kind of is) the same for me. Except it seems much quieter, much more subdued. I've found myself unable to find joy in the things I used to really dig, and it sucks. I have a bit of a dead end job with people I kinda resent, and I still live with my folks. I haven't found myself doing much with life, and it kinda hit me.

But that's not to say I will be like this forever. While I am very aware that I am lonely at the moment, and the world feels as though it could swallow me up, I'm not an idiot. I know I'll get over this. And I've found a few ways in which I think I can improve, and basically move on with life.

For the longest time, I've been unsure as to what I want to do in life. I thought I wanted to be a journalist, but the style I want to do is not only dying, it's an incredibly difficult medium to get into. The other things I've always been passionate about, however, is the English language, and the capacity to help others out. I wanted to be a teacher for a long time, and in many ways, I still really do. I wondered how I could combine these things together, and it kinda hit me a while ago. Everything kind of came together and I realised there's something I want to do more than anything.

So, I'm going to get qualified for TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) and teach overseas. It'll help me travel the world, which is something I've wanted to do for a long time. Now that my Ex is gone, I have nothing to stay around here for anymore. Not to imply that she was holding me back or anything like that, it's just that I don't really see the reason to stay around here anymore. My plan for the next few years is basically going to be:

-Save money at my job, while carrying on with my volunteer work at a primary school, being a classroom assistant.

-Find out the avenues of which I can get my TEFL certification.

-Apply to teach English in South Korea/Thailand/Japan/China/ ETC

-Get on with my life

It might seem like a radical decision, but I think it's something I need to do. If I stay here, I'm a 16 year old stuck in a 23 year olds body. I know if I stay here in this job, I'll hate myself, and resent a life I never went for. I need to force myself to grow up, and I think now is as good a time as any. I need to get over her by learning to accept myself again. Just gotta go one step at a time...

Thanks, if you read this. I won't post it publicly because I doubt people really care. You're all great!