Warning, under the Universal law of common decency and "don't waste my time" rule, I must inform you that this article may contain personnal opinions, basic history and geography lessons and a lot of parentheses (like these, because I like them (a lot)).

I do can speak English - nothing wrong with that, given the fact that this very sentence is written in English.

I can speak Turkish too - now that's not boring. By the power of generalizing 95% of the population of Earth, I can tell what kind of basic facts you may know or associate with Turkey. I hope you are aware that the German video game/tech demo developer Crytek was founded by 3 Turkish brothers. Yeah? The Mount&Blade series is also developed by the Turkish developer TaleWorlds. You may also have heard of those instant diabetes pills, known as Turkish delight.

And now we come to Bulgarian - I do know that language too. But do you even know where Bulgaria is? A quick Bing search would bring (or would it?) information about a tiny country in the Balkans. Hold on now, don't feel bad because you've never heard of these two exotic terms "Bulgaria" and "Balkans", because after reading this whole big mess you will be able to go to the comments section bellow and say in all caps "Now I know that a Bulgarian has created the computer"... uhm - I have to admit, that was a quick pot-shot at your limited knowledge about the unknown wonders Bulgaria is responsible for, but let's trace back and get on the topic of me.

I... something

What all of these facts have to do with me? "A guy on Internet can speak 3 languages, so?" you might say, not being aware how boring your life is with the only language you know - English. After answering few simple questions together, you and I will realize how different we are.

Question 1: Do you ever question what you say?

My answer: I do. I do a lot. Knowing more than 2 languages and having a name "Halid Yusein" does make you wonder about all sorts of stuff (to which we will get later).

Your answer:_______________________________________________________________________.

Question 2: Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you giggle after speaking language A in an enviroment with people who speak language B?

My answer: Often, very often (we will get to the reasons later as well).

Your answer:______________________________________________________________________.

There are some extra security questions, but these should be enough. Different combinations of answers yield different types of boring personalities.

By this point I should explain my background to further cement my future and past arguments.

My name is Halid Yusein (yes, it does) and I'm from Bulgaria. I know, I'm completely aware that the names "Bulgaria" and "Halid" aren't compatible, but what can I say - I didn't chose my name, did I?

Yes, you've guessed it right - Halid Yusein is a Turkish name, "and at the same time you are born in Bulgaria? How is this possible?" The answer is simple - I didn't manage to choose my parents either. I know, this makes me a bit of a noob, but one can't have everything, right?

History is written by the winners

In order to understand why someone with the name of a terrorist would be born in a Christian country like Bulgaria we must know a little bit of history.

Here goes nothing: Back in the medieval times Bulgaria was a major player in the Balkans, but with the fall of the East Roman Empire and the rise of those pesky Turks, it was endangered, attacked and eventually captured by the new Ottoman Empire by the end of the 14th century.

As you can imagine those Turkish sultans weren't going to leave Bulgaria in the hand of some Christians, so some rich guys moved in to own the new and fresh land.

5 centuries later we find ourselves in 1878 and the liberation of Bulgaria. With the help of few centuries long hate between the Russian and Ottoman empire, Bulgaria was freed with the help of Ruskis and the big influence of Russian politics over Bulgaria started.

The next 100 years are marked with the rise of communism in Bulgaria; Russian ideals had a big influence over Bulgarian matters and even then, we somehow ended up siding with The Third Reich... Twice! First time - because why not? Second time - because the "we didn't have choice" bullshit excuse.

After The Second World War we were forgiven by the USSR or something and we joined their side until the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989. Do you see a pattern here?

Fun fact #1: Even when most of Bulgaria's existence has been completely irrelevant to everybody in the world, during the Cold War it was the biggest manufacturer of high-tech electronics and the Pravets computers for the Eastern side of the Iron Curtain.

Extra facts: Today Bulgaria is proud only with two things: that it produces high quality rose oil and that it's one of the few places on Earth where yoghurt can be made the way it's supposed to (traditional Bulgarian yoghurt is waaaay better than any other peasantry BS I've tried).

And then wouldn't you know it, Bulgaria was reminded, somehow, about the horrible things that happened to them few hundred year ago - Ottomans tried to ban Christianity and force Islam into their culture. The new government after the collapse of USSR tried to change the names of everybody to Bulgarian, forcefully - dem good, old tactics!

Because you see, there are some villages that are inhabited only by people who identify themselves as Turkish - they speak Turkish (which I will come to in a bit), they watch Turkish television and even teach the Turkish language in schools, alongside Bulgarian of course.

And then some Turkish people were pissed off of that someone tried to change their names to Bulgarian and eventually Bulgaria did so, but the final result was... well, not so surprising. Massive hordes of Turkish people fled into nearby Turkey, in hope of not being discriminated. Two of those families were my fathers and mothers. My mother's did came back quickly, after that little issue with changing the names ceased, but it took time for my father's family (not to mention the fact that one of his brothers is still enjoying his life there).

Fun fact #2: A great deal of terrorism was involved to change the policy Bulgaria tried to force into it's own population. Later, one of those terrorists became the leader of the Turkish party in Bulgaria. I know - it's funny!

Clarification: The author of this article is not associated with Bulgarian-Turkish or any other terrorist groups in any shape or form.

After a little while I was born and because Bulgaria is a shit hole, we moved in to the not-so-shit-hole called The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

A mutant

As stated above, my origins are from the 'ol good Ottoman Empires emigrants to the Balkans.

After this sweet little story I've told you your question "WTF are you then? Bulgarian-Turkish? Turkish? Or just Bulgarian?" is totally justifiable. Over the years a lot of people have proposed to me different theories of what I'm. Some say it's all about the paperwork, others as to whatever I identify myself as. I've given people a lot of different explanations, but today I will be honest with you.

Yes, my gran-gran-gran-grandparents are from the Ottoman Empire; yes, I'm from one of these little villages where they believe they are Turkish; and no - my child isn't half English. In fact I identify myself as someone with Turkish blood in his veins, but with a lot of Bulgarian culture, living in England.

And if after all of this someone still insists that I'm Bulgarian, well - the biggest and most obvious proof that I'm not is that I don't look like one. It's the same as when most people can distinguish English from Americans, some people can do the same with Chinese and Japanese - I can do it with Turkish and Bulgarian people. It's actually pretty easy.

Is this graspable? Or even wrong, in any way? Because enough people seem to be confused by my name; my answer to the question "Where are you from?" and the fact that I can't be bothered to explain all of this to everybody.

Challenge Accepted!

And now it's time for the real educational part of this article. It's time for me to explain to you the mighty Bulgarian language and the lack of wonders it carries with itself.

Let's start with the second to most confusing thing about it - the alphabet. Bulgarian is using the Cyrillic alphabet, which means those of you who use the Latin won't understand even a word of it.

And let's be completely honest here - watching people botch your native language/alphabet is amusing. Let's start with an example: DayZ and the location it's set in - Chernarus. It's a fictional part of Russia and following logic, all of it's signs are in Russian, which also uses the Cyrillic alphabet.

"Черногорск" for example in English is Chernogorsk. It's the funniest thing when people say the first letter "Ч" is 4 and question why anybody would put a number in their alphabet.

If we want to get specific with the whole Bulgarian/Russian/Cyrillic nonsense we have to dabble in in a deeper manner. There are some letters that look and are pronounced the same way as in Latin, but others? Nope, absolutely no!

One last thing to note right now is that Cyrillic is pronounce-what-you-see, NOT pronounce-this-by-some-obscure-reasons-to-outsiders.

Hold on to your temporal lobe:

"A" is simply "A", but

"B" is "Б" - notice the difference? If you write "B" in Bulgarian it's actually "V" - yes, made to totally confuse me, and you! Moving along -

"C" - we don't have "C" per say, because this letter works in weird manners in English - you can use it for "cat" or "sincere" or "delicious chocolate". If you write "C" in Bulgarian it becomes "S";

"D" is "Д", no - I want to correct myself - What the fuck is that? It's like a TV on a table or a spider monster thing-y! It's bizarre! Wait! I know what it looks like - a drone from Space Invaders!

"E" is "E" - easy enough!

"F" is "Ф" - I don't know about you, but it looks like an onion to me...

"G" is "Г" - I know, it's easy to think that it's a broken "T";

"H" is "Х" - no, it's not "X" (eks), the only letter that has less words that start with it than "Q". But if you write "H" in Bulgarian it becomes "N". We don't have "X"(eks);

"I" is "И" - yes, it's a mirrored "N". It's pronounced as "E" (information);

"J" is "ДЖ" - I know, it's 2 letters and cheat-y. But note that it's not part of the alphabet;

"K" is "К" - do you see the beautiful curves it has - take that Latin alphabet!

"L" is "Л" - it's like a skateboard ramp;

"M" is "М" - It's easy, I know!

"N" - we covered this one, check "H";

"O" is "О" - this letters seems like it's written the same way in a lot of languages and alphabets;

"P" is "П" - yeah, it's easy to think that someone has, again, made a mistake and changed "Л" (L). If you write "P" in Bulgarian it's actually "R" as in "rock", no - not "Я", which we will cover later;

"Q" is "we don't have that". More to the point - what were you thinking English? Why couldn't you just say "kyu"? How many words are there with "Q"? Two? "Quebec" and "queen". Shame on you English!

"R" - already covered at "P";

"S" - see "C";

"T" is "Т" - thank God we have another easy letter to remember, ha?

"U" is "У" - I know, I know - it looks like a small "Y" (y), don't need to scream and yell about it - it's another "misunderstanding";

"V" - look for "B";

"W" - we don't have that one, but we use the closest letter that replicates it - "У" (U), we are so clever, aren't we?

"X" - see "H";

"Y" is "Й" - *sigh*, what can I say - we had to have one of these letters with little things above them. The strange thing about it is when we say the alphabet we call this letter "shortened Y", the ultra-mega fact is that there is no "long Y"!!! - [RATED 'R' FOR RETARDED];

"Z" is "З" - no, no and no! - as much as I would like it to be different... it's actually the number 3. All 8 Bulgarians that are reading this - let's be honest guys and gals - it's the number "3" and we've fucked that one up. To all other nations out there - yes, the number "3" is written the same way in Bulgaria and yet, we have to deal with this BS.

But this is not the end! Nope, because while the English alphabet is made from only 26 letters (even with it's unnecessary "Q", "W" and "X") the Bulgarian alphabet has the impressive amount of 30 letters.

Here is the rest of the Bulgarian alphabet, where some of them are useful and others utterly pointless:

"Ж" is "ZH" - no guys, it's not a bug on your screen, it's just the fact that this letter has 6 legs. Bulgarian example: the name "Желязков" (zhelyaskov) (Hi mate!), English example: "treasure" - that ending with "-sure" (not "shur");

"Ц" is "TS" - what are you saying? Another letter that looks like the number 4? Bulgarian example: *laughs inside, because... casual racism* "царевица" (tsarevitsa) (translation: corn);

"Ч" is "CH" - yes, you finally know what the first letter of "chocolate" looks like, oops, it's actually the one below;

"Ш" is "SH" - yes, we, the pesky nation, known as Bulgaria, have changed "chocolate" to "shokolad" (шоколад) - we are evil and are not afraid to show it to others AND the fact that we've chosen "Ш" to look like a comb;

"Щ" is "SHT" - yes you are right - we are that pretentios that adding a little wiggle at end of "Ш" actually adds "T" to "SH" and creates a brand new letter. Example : "ще" (shte) (will) - as in "will delete this article when I realize how bad it is";

"Ъ" is "U" - not "YU" but "U", like "turn". This time we didn't mirror whole a letter (like "N"), but only a part of "Б" (B) - we are so original!

"ь" is "Y" - it's pretty much the same as "Й", but you can't use it at the start of words, because ancient-tribal-rules;

"Ю" is "YU" - pretty much "you". Combined example: English "menU" in Bulgarian is "менЮ" - note that it's pronounced and written the same way, the differences are cosmetic;

"Я" is "YA" - and never, ever "R"! I know it's our fault that we've stolen this letter too, mirrored it and called it something completely different, but can't you forgive us, please?

+3 Communication Skill Points Acquired!

And now we basically come to the source of my hate towards the Bulgarian language. The following is probably the bane of every language, but is Bulgarian's nonetheless - grammar.

It's complicated, it's outdated, it's difficult and it's unnecessarily very complicated. Why? Because it has so many rules and nitty-gritty details attached to it. If someone wanted to learn it, he probably would go mad, depressed and eventually to the kitchen for some ice cream.

All of the complications with adjectives and verbs, with their thousands of forms are what makes this language very hard to learn. You think irregular verbs in English are silly? You've seen nothing. Every single adjective has at least 3 forms and verbs many more. You have to account every single time for their correct form.

Piece of turkey meat

Now that we've reached this point you probably expect of me to make fun out of the Turkish language as well. Much to your surprise (or delight, if you don't hate me already) I was never given any sort of official Turkish education. All of my reading and speaking skills are from watching TV.

Compared to Bulgarian, Turkish is maybe too simple. There is simply no he/she/it. It's based on context and one simple "o" solves all of their problems.

In it's core, Turkish is relatively easy to learn. While it's roots are in Arabic and other languages from central Asia, for some reason, now it uses the Latin alphabet. But it has flaws, like the ridiculous amount of postfixes verbs can have. Shall we get into some examples?

The most simple form of "go" in Turkish is "git". The "i" in it is read as "e". If you can read github.com - the "git" bit is read the same as the "git" (go) from Turkish.

And if we want to say "I will go" it gets the postfix "-eceğim". Which is read as "ejeyim". Then the "git" changes to "gid" and we add "-eceğim" and it becomes "gideceğim". At this point you can actually leave this word as it is and it will mean "I will go", but you can add "ben" (not a name), which means "me" or "I" before "will go" and will mean the same.

If this has been hard for you to grasp, prepare yourself for the next example. Instead of evolving the verb "git" a little bit, I will just mutate it to "gitmeyebilirmiyiz". Indeed - WTF?!? This monstrosity of "git-me-ye-bi-lir-mi-yiz" simply means "Can we not go?"

One positive thing about Turkish I want to mention is that there are some very short and convenient words. Like "ip" (not "intellectual property" or "Internet protocol") = "rope".

There are also some words with 3 meanings at the same time, like "yüz". Now, don't get putt off of that "ü" letter. I'm sure you've seen it in German and more or less, it's pronounced the same way.

"yüz" means "swim", "hundred" (100) and "face" at the same time. That is so neat, isn't it now Stanley?

One last thing I want to show you about Turkish are its 3 (or 2, depending on how you look at things) extra vowels:

"I" is actually not a small "L"(l) or large "I"(i). Notice how it's shorter than small "L" and pretty much the same as Latin "I"(ay). What is missing form the picture is a dot, which would transform it to "İ" - capital "I" (English "ay"). Are you confused yet? It's a sure thing I can't explain myself! It's used as the "U" from "turn";

"Ö" is pretty complicated to explain. Please ask your nearest coworker for its proper pronunciation. If you are alone, sad and don't have relatives nearby, try this neat trick - position your mouth to say "O", but lower the tip of your tongue and there you go, you just said "Ö";

"Ü" is a letter I mentioned few lines above and is present in other European alphabets. One example that would demonstrate the previous and this letter simultaneously is "ölüm" - "death".

Here are few more extra facts about Turkish you might care about after reading them:

Even when Turkey did adopt the Latin alphabet and have brought in many foreign words since then, they use their own words to describe months. But that's probably because Turkey is predominantly occupied by Muslims, and they never cared about what non-Muslim people said;

One thing that has happened in the past few decades (they feel more like centuries) is that Turkish (and Bulgarian) have adopted a lot of foreign words (from German, English, French, etc.). A lot of countries do that, because new technologies and practices that they haven't invented and more importantly, haven't named are brought to them.

And for some reason Turkish has decided to botch foreign words that have multiple consonants next to each other, like "stress". Turkish people don't (or maybe can't) pronounce "str-" like you just did. They add an extra "I" (that "U" from "turn") between "s" and "t". I have no idea why they do that. I have no problems pronouncing it the way it is. I'm happy that Bulgarians aren't such monsters though.

Idioms are always the cherry of these trees

I love idioms. They are the best way to have a laugh and poke at any language known to every lady and gentleman.

Most of them are idiotic and don't even try to follow common logic, but are nonetheless something I want you to see. Here are some phrases, strange sayings and chants too.

One thing I can't explain about English is its obsession with cakes:

"takes the cake", "sells like hot cakes" and "piece of cake" all sound like everybody eats cakes 'round 'ear.

You might say "You are so stupid, that's just a saying". You are wrong and I'm going to rub your nose in by saying that there is a saying in Bulgarian - "sells like warm bread", which is justified by our culture of eating a lot of bread.

One funny and rather violent idiom from Turkish is "crack and explode", which is said in a situation where someone insists on you to give away a secret that you know and you respond by saying the phrase, in hope the subject starts behaving appropriately. The original phrase has a rime to it, which is from where the charm comes from - "çatla da patla". It is a rare phrase and usually people that are difficult to deal with use it (childish individuals).

Here is an English idiom that used to drive me crazy: "under the weather" (being sick). God, it's awful!

Another one that gets me bent out of shape is "break a leg". For someone whose first and second language weren't English, that one really confused me for a long time while watching Dexter. Why would you wish to someone break his leg? And then the other person responds kindly to that!? Thank you English, for confusing the hell out of me and many others.

Not again!

The second to last feature of tonight will be related to the second question I asked you a while ago:

"Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you giggle after speaking language A in an environment with people who speak language B?"

The main aspect of this question is that when your family (and probably you) are too lazy to speak English on the bus, hilarity ensures. There are some really weird parallels between English/Turkish/Bulgarian that have put me on difficult positions.

Like when you travel and a continuous hill comes, it puts the vehicle you are traveling in in a funny position, therefore there comes a moment and you wonder "Why is it taking so long to traverse this hill?". That is something pretty normal to do and say, but not in an environment and situation when you are just too lazy to say it in English, but rather Turkish.

If you say it out loud, you might get in trouble, like me. Because the word "hill" would be replaced by "dik", yeah, not a word you want to say out loud in public. The opposite is possible too. When people speak English and say they are sick, which would transform that to "sik" - "dick" in Turkish.

Exactly, these are dick jokes, but I've never asked for them, nor ever wanted them. They are there, because there are visible parallels between languages, we want them or not.

There are hundreds of words that mean something completely different in some other language. I guarantee you that if you sit down and think about it enough, you will actually see them. It doesn't take much to do so.

Like "bit", which means 2 things in English and 3 things in Turkish:

"8 bits of information make 1 byte" and "I didn't like this bit of the show".

But if we talk about Turkish, it becomes:

"bit" as in "over, be done with it", "empty" and "bit" - "head louse".

I dare you to tell me that this isn't confusing! Or maybe I'm bad at switching between languages and interpreting things as they are. Having fuck ups like this for years and then starting to forget your first and then second language really makes you doubt if you are insane or not.

As much as I may despise western imperialism (hardy-durr), I'm happy that the English language has appeared as a dominant one, as opposed to Bulgarian and we are all trying to learn it. If you think about it though, it doesn't matter which language is dominant or where it's from - having to learn only one and then being able to speak with almost everybody (I say that because of Russians stubbornness) is actually the real benefit to our civilization.

Long live dominant language, whichever you might be!

Whot d' fock haf' y'a dan'?

And you know the worst part about all of this - this article that tries to be funny, my confused (probably damaged) brain and your justified anger? In the grand scheme, this is all meaningless. Ultimately no one, other than me and my sister, who has similar experience, will ever get this article. I wrote it for my sanity - I've wanted to say all of this and much more for as long as I can remember.

What only matters is that I'm happy now and the hope inside me that this article may have putted a smile on your lovely face as well.