I've played through 2016's DOOM so many times now I've lost count. It is without a doubt one of my favorite games of all time. I've tried to change up each playthrough in some way, so this time I decided to kill the HUD, drop the difficulty to "Too Young to Die," and ignore any sort of hard narrative elements like text logs or story beats. I wanted to see how pure the action was, how well the world resonated without any sort of written narrative, and ultimately how much the complete DOOM experience could be hampered by playing the game in it's lowest powered form on the lowest difficulty in the back of a car with the sound muted. Here's the thing: this game still fucking owns. Its oft buzzed about "scalability" applies not only to it's technical prowess and adaptability, but to its gameplay as well. Any way you want to experience this game, from Ultra Nightmare in 4K to Little Baby Dipshit Mode on your oven clock, it always feels like DOOM. Of the game's countless strengths, this feels like its biggest and brightest.

Gallery

But for now, I just wanted to appreciate blood, guts, and hell's architecture. Removing all the fuss of the game's HUD and playing through the game at a more forgiving pace has made me appreciate this game's art design so much more than ever before. What stood out more to me this go-round was how much detail was packed into the paths less taken. There are so many areas in this game that could be so easily missed if you're in a hurry that are STILL decked the fuck out with innards. The gentle stroll through hell also revealed far more scenic moments than I ever realized while cooking through the game on higher difficulties. It reveals a layer to the visual storytelling that I didn't realize was there in the previous six or so playthroughs of this game. For now and forever, BOW DOWN ALL HAIL DOOM.

Before we break off into categories, I wanna take some time at the top to discuss…

Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle

Earlier this year, some leaks came out of Ubisoft concerning everyone’s favorite annoying as hell proto-Minion sidekicks that spun off from a third-rate platformer into a mini-game collection: The Rabbids. Rumor had it that the Rabbids were supposed to mash up with Mario and his pals in a turn-based strategy game a la X-Com. Once word got back to the Innernette Kids about this unholy union, it was no holds barred and falls count anywhere. The video game community can often be so divisive, but everyone agreed on one thing: that this game would suck.

Then E3 happened. Ubisoft’s presser promised news on the Mario/Rabbids front. Ubisoft’s usual E3 pomp and circumstance was kicked into over drive when Shigeru Miyamoto, He who they call I Am, strutted down the aisle sporting a goddamn Mega Buster with a Bullet Bill shader attached. After months of leaks, speculation and snark, Ubisoft formally introduced the game with Miyamoto center stage. Miyamoto then turned to the crowd and addressed the game’s lead developer, Davide Soliani, thanking him for his work on the game and for taking care of Miyamoto’s precious creation.

Davide Soliani wept. After all of the leaks, all of the jokes, all of the tweets, and years of development (not to mention the pressure of getting fingerprints all over a franchise as influential and beloved as Mario), Soliani sat in a hall packed with fans, critics, and peers as his personal hero, Shigeru Miyamoto, thanked him for making a great Mario game. I’ve been playing video games literally for as long as I can remember and have been following game coverage for as long as I was aware of Nintendo Power. It was one of the most beautiful video game moments I can remember.

The E3 impressions were promising, the reviews were great, and once I finally got my hands on it I couldn’t put it down. Not only was the gameplay active and engaging in a way strategy games usually aren’t, but the marriage of these two worlds worked far better than expected. It’s profane and perverse, with references to Weird Al, Bob Dylan, Louis Armstrong, and none of it was supposed to work. But it did. It’s one of my favorite games of the year. Davide Soliani showed them, he showed them all. Miyamoto thanked him on stage. He wept. The game came out. It was outstanding. Video games are amazing. Video games are the best. Hallelujah, holy shit.

2017's Best Games of 2016

Let’s pop this motherfucker off proper with some housekeeping. When you’re me (note: you’re never me, only I am me and it is a blessing and a curse), consuming media is a tough racket (*pantomimes knocking back a shot like Baldwin in Glengary Glen Ross*). Do I watch television? A film, perhaps? Play some video games? Put on a record? Decisions: they’re difficult. But as the sun set on 2016, I made a concerted effort to catch up with some video game shit I missed that year. Hop in the wayback machine with me, won’t you?

Abzu

There isn’t much video game to be had in Abzu, but the six or so hours I spent with it were well worth it. Think of it more as taking a deep-sea dive into a painting, a brief tour through a jaw-dropping ocean of splendor. Swim, swim and swim some more among creatures of the deep through breathtaking landscapes accompanied by a standout score and a bare bones narrative that is more affecting than it has any right to be. Abzu achieves so much with so little. It tickled my minimalist bone (YUK YUK YUK) like no game has since Flower.

Firewatch

This was not the tightly wound narrative I was looking for, but Firewatch is a wonderful showcase for voice actors Rich Sommer and Cissy Jones as Henry and Delilah (respectively). There are plot holes galore in Firewatch, but that can’t negate the excellence of Sommer’s and Jones’ performances, nor the game’s warm, engulfing aesthetic. I can’t recall a game where the two leads felt so authentic and natural or had this much chemistry. Video games have more than earned their place at the table of SERIOUS MEDIUM, but this game is a great reminder if you need it.

Soft Body

It would be enough if Soft Body were only a great twin-stick arcade shooter. I’m a sucker for ‘em, like vodka in summer or whiskey in winter. It’s the way that the game fucks with offense and defense that subverts the standard twin-stick template and pushes the genre further. It’s harder than yours truly at a Tina Fey cosplay convention, but its old school demeanor meshes with its new school design so beautifully that I can forgive it for all the times I damn near spiked my controller six feet into the fucking dirt. And despite all of the near aneurisms its bullet hell nature caused me, there are these brief moments of absolute tranquility to be found.

Titanfall 2

It was probably Wolfenstein: The New Order that managed to draw me back into the FPS genre, a play through of Halo: Anniversary that nudged me even further and an endless admiration for 2016’s DOOM that solidified my love for what I felt was a long stagnated genre. Whereas DOOM was a tightly wound, twitch-based, edge of your seat masterwork that made every second and every bullet count, Titanfall 2 felt loose in presentation and fluid in execution in a way that its super-serious counterparts like Battlefield and Call of Duty never do. It’s fun having a robot buddy to crack wise with! It’s fun as fuck to wall-run while piloting a big-ass titan! The weapons and villains were both very fun and cool! It’s no DOOM, but that’s totally fine! Just like how Die Hard and Demolition Man can both exist at the same time and both totally fucking rule.

DOOM

OH HEY DID SOMEBODY SAY DOOM!? DOOM got ported to Switch this year, and it is a damn fine port. The audio clips here and there, the graphics aren’t nearly as sharp, but it brings the unholy power of the legendary Doomslayer into the palm of my hand, on my couch, with minimal sacrifice (especially when compared to all the sacrifices the Doomslayer himself has made for his people).

The thing about DOOM is that any time I put hands on it, there’s this little voice in the back of my mind that whispers *maybe this is your favorite game ever*. It might not be, but I think that maybe some day it could be. Rip and tear, motherfuckers. Rip and tear.

Best Old Games

Burnout Paradise

Game of the generation. This game’s two greatest feats? A) looking as good in 2017 as it did in 2008 and B) making fucking up and crashing just satisfying as totally tearing ass and owning the road. I’ve purchased this game four times now and I would purchase it four more if Criterion asked me to. Burnout Paradise is low-key one of my favorite games of all time. When it popped up for less than $5 on Xbox 360, I had to snag it just one more time. It’s become my new Pac-Man Championship Edition DX+: the game I play when I’m either drunk as a motherfucker or have 10-15 minutes to spare before I get drunk as a motherfucker. I dare say that Burnout Paradise is a perfect game. It feels so goddamn good in your hands, man. SO GODDAMN GOOD. It devastates me that we will never get a proper sequel to this masterpiece, but honestly, I don’t think we need one. May Burnout Paradise live on for-fucking-ever.

Link’s Awakening

I had to do some deep soul searching this year when Breath of the Wild came out. Was it really better than my top two Zelda games, Ocarina of Time and Link’s Awakening? After almost 200 hours in Breath of the Wild, I think the verdict is coming back guilty. HOWEVER…. Link’s Awakening remains a series high point and a perfect example of Nintendo’s willingness to throw a curveball and dive into a series’ more whimsical moments. While I adore Breath of the Wild’s minimalist storytelling, Link’s Awakening remains the narrative peak of the series. “It was all a dream” narrative devices rarely net a positive rating, but it works for Link’s Awakening. The way it toys with not only the character but the player as well has not left me since I was a little shitbag kid in my aunt’s living room when it was the first Zelda game I beat. Yeah, nostalgia helps this one along a shitload, but almost 25 years later I still believe that Link’s Awakening is a top three Zelda entry.

Out Run

I hope you’re listening, Sega, because here’s what I want: An endless Out Run game that plays by itself so I can just vibe on the music while I watch cars go vroom vroom. It’s nice that I can play Out Run in Yakuza 0, but it’s too hard to find at the arcades. I bought it on 3DS, but I’m not very good at it. I want a big screen, 4K Out Run that plays on my behalf so I can just max my chill and fuck with my Switch. Okay? Okay.

Getting drunk at arcades

I found an arcade here in town that has a free Galaga/Ms. Pac-Man machine, a free Donkey Kong machine, and a Pac-Man Battle Royale machine. Now, I own home versions of Galaga multiple times over, but there’s just something about banging on a joystick in that six-to-eight beer range that kicks my Galaga prowess into overdrive, like Bob Stinson playing guitar (but far less celebrated). And then there’s Pac-Man Battle Royale, an agent of arcade chaos. Four folks enter, put their drinks in the cup holders, one dude/lady leaves. Probably haven’t had that much fun with a four player cabinet since I was playing The Simpsons at the pizza parlor as a little shitbag kid. Now I’m a big drunk shitbag kid with more coin to drop on hula-hoops, Dan Fogelberg records, and – most importantly - Pac-Man video games.

Biggest Surprises

That week or two when I thought I’d never see Agent 47 again

Until 2016, I had never had even remote interest in the excursions of Agent 47 and the Hitman franchise. That all changed when IO Interactive took a home run swing with an episodic approach (announced weeks before launch) and corked off a donger that ended up being among the best games of this generation. And then the whispers began. The episodic model flopped, the retail release was a mistake, the project was hemorrhaging money and the sequel was in trouble. A garrote wire was slowly tightening around the neck of our hero/hired killer Agent 47. And then Square Enix put one in the head and two in the chest of IO Interactive. A Mozambique. The cruelest fate. Or so we thought…

Weeks later, after an unfortunate round of layoffs for the company, they were able to not only declare their independence but regain control of the Hitman IP from Square Enix and give us hope once again of playing as a Pitbull lookalike who gets to dress up as fortune tellers and murder stockbrokers. I was miserable that entire time Agent 47 spent in limbo and still feel bummed about the developers that lost their jobs after making one of the absolute best games in recent years while their parent company dumped a fucking DECADE’S WORTH OF MILLIONS into another fucking Final Fantasy game. But now, the titular Hitman is back where he belongs, with IO Interactive. He even got a Game of the Year edition this year that came with even more shitheels to murder. Hitman. Shit, man. Pretty legit, man.

Nintendo’s 2017

Nintendo dug a pretty big hole with that half-steppin’ ass Wii U. The games were there, dammit, but the people weren’t. With the inevitable decline of designated portable gaming devices thanks to the rise of mobile games and the utter failure of the Wii U, things definitely felt grim for a while. Nintendo always had the games (and always will), but getting consumers to buy back in on a massive scale after the Wii U debacle seemed like a shaky proposition. Even I, the diest of hardest Nintendo loyalists, was not quite moved by the Switch’s announcement. Then Breath of the Wild happened. And Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. And Splatoon 2. And an endless onslaught of eShop indies and perfect fit ports. And as soon as my early skepticism vanished from the rear view mirror, Super Mario Odyssey dropped and fuck my goddamn dead, dumb, dirty wife if they didn’t manufacture one of their finest pieces of hardware ever then I’m Big the fucking Cat.

Nintendo also released another console this year that also happened to be one of their best (if not the best) pieces of hardware ever: it was a lil’ Super Nintendo with all sorts of Nintendo games on it! Some of those games happen to be the best video games I’ve ever played! Now, they’re pretty hard to actually get your grubby little mitts on, but if you can do that, you can play Super Mario World! And Super Metroid! If you’re one of these total fuckup types that has never experienced the pure bliss of the Super Nintendo’s finest offerings, Nintendo has (kinda, sorta) provided an easy (but not so easy) way to play these games in 2017, even if it’s basically just a more expensive, harder to find, less functional Raspberry Pi!

So two of the best games in their top two franchises, two consoles (one of them being their best ever and the other having a somewhat decent shot at overtaking it), and a banging remake of Metroid II to boot. To me, the 2017 that Nintendo had reminds me of Weird Al’s 2014 coronation: it feels right, it makes me unbelievably happy, and anyone not on board with it can eat my ass with a spoon.

And Starfox 2 came out! That is some weird, wild stuff.

Biggest Bummers

Nier: Automata

I was so in for Platinum style combat with a batshit, meta, sci-fi frame around it until I got it. Running around empty, drab environments and engaging in flat, soft combat wasn’t worth whatever cultish auteur Yoko Taro had going on. I wish I had the patience to witness the narrative play out, but I got so bored so fast. Probably didn’t help that this came out in one of the most stacked years in video game history. If time stood still, maybe I could get into Nier: Automata. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what it felt like while I was playing it.

Splatoon 2’s online functionality

Imagine how great of an online multiplayer game this would be if Nintendo could stop tripping over their own dick for a second. The core of this game, from the gameplay to the movement to the aesthetic and style and all the fun dress-up you get to play is neon crack rock good. But why oh why in the year 2017 must we still tolerate Nintendo’s cockamamie bullshitting-ass online “service”? Why is it so hard to voice chat with friends? Why is it so hard to start a party? Why can’t I play Salmon Run matchmaking whenever I want? Why can’t I play it privately over wi-fi? Why take a game as amazing as Splatoon 2 and bash its kneecaps in? Only Nintendo knows. I’m totally fine with them practically re-releasing Splatoon with a giant “2” slapped on the cover, but their insistence on planting two feet firmly in the dark past of online gaming baffles me endlessly. Still played dozens of hours of it, though.

Pyre

I never got around to playing Pyre. These Supergiant games always look so enticing, but I always bounce off of them. I’d still like to play this one, but I’d also still like to play Bastion and Transistor.

Tacoma

I downloaded, but didn’t play Tacoma. I nabbed that fancy pants new Xbox One X to play all the hottest titles but then I was like “what if I just watch wrestling on it while I play Rocket League instead” and that was a wise decision.

Multiplayer Fixations

Rocket League

Y’all check out that Rocket League yet? It is gonna be HUGE in a couple years, lemme tell ya. Take it from me, The Last of the Gamers aka The One True Gamer aka The Doomslayer Slayer that Rocket League is going to be ROCKETing up the charts pretty damn soon. Just came out, brand new game, Nintendo Switch, you gotta play it. Get this: one of the cars they licensed for DLC? THE DELOREAN FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE. I mean, WOW. Who came up with that idea?

Anyways. Rocket League owns and I’m actually getting kinda good at it.

Euro Truck Simulator 2

Euro Truck Simulator 2 brings all the excitement of driving a big rig across the European countryside for hours at a time home to your (friend’s) personal computer, where you can drive drunk, piss in bottles, and antagonize other truckers with a real CB radio, all with the help of your best friends!

As a truck sim, it is a marathon of tediousness. You pretty much maintain the speed limit and drive on a mostly straight highway for hours at a time, earning cash for each load. But as a kayfabe-ish mind game in which the most important thing in the world to you is dropping this load at your destination as your best friends dressed up in full trucker regalia cheer you on and pray for more funds to upgrade your cab, it is the cosmic brain meme thing. I heartily recommend doing trucker cosplay with your best friends while you simulate cross-country long hauls. It is so choice. Bring a 40oz. You’ll need it for a few reasons.

Nidhogg II

The first Nidhogg game sat on my digital shelf for three years because when I bought it on sale, I didn’t realize it was a multiplayer game. I, of no PS+ or opportunity to play local multiplayer on the regular, never even booted it until the sequel came out. When I finally played it, I was hooked enough after a few rounds of local multiplayer to nab the sequel right away. It was immediately evident that Nidhogg II was a major improvement on a very simple formula: one player runs to the right, one player runs to the left, and they both try to kill each other.

Nidhogg II is vastly improved visually, donning one of the more unique styles for a game in recent memory (with cool ass music to match). The duels are more dramatic, the combat is more dynamic, and the gameplay is more addicting because of it. Spiritually, it’s some sort of wicked mix between Street Fighter and NBA Jam: Fast paced, reflex based one-on-one madness. I sure hope I play it way more than the first one.

Also, I got to watch my friend shoot an arrow from the left side of the screen only to kill himself when he respawned on the right side of the screen. Twice.

Odds and Ends

Horizon: Zero Dawn

From the first hour to the very last, I gawked slack jawed at this game’s visuals as if laying my eyes upon Kelly Kapowski for the first time. Visually and narratively, Horizon: Zero Dawn stands head and shoulders above its peers, but also above the rest of the game’s other aspects. It ended up doing a lot of things really well, but only two things truly great. In a 35 hour experience, I needed more out of it.

Puyo Puyo Tetris

This is the top shelf Tetris experience. It is as good or better than Tetris DS. The online player base for the Switch is nonexistent, but it’s still Tetris. If you like Tetris, this is THE Tetris. Also you can play Puyo Puyo.

Cuphead

So let’s talk about Cuphead, which was probably my most anticipated game for multiple years now. The game is every bit as gorgeous as everyone says it is. Its 30’s animation style is unlike anything else I’ve seen in video games and its character design wowed me at almost every turn. Those tougher than dinosaur dick bosses pop like a Rosemont Horizon crowd when the glass breaks for Austin’s entrance. It’s peppy soundtrack, a mix of barbershop quartet harmonies and big band swing (with homages to Super Mario World and Monty Norman’s “James Bond Theme” thrown in), meshes wonderfully with the aesthetic. I would kill for some The Adventures of Cuphead & Mugman shorts.

The gameplay is… fine. Some bosses are fun as hell and clever to boot, while others feel like you’re trying to punch your way out of a tomb. The power-ups are… not. Very few items/upgrades you earn feel remotely useful. The parries never feel quite right, there are a fair share of bugs, the foreground gets in the way too often, and the platforming sections are just sorta bland. There are some good guts here –style, music, tight controls– but the more game-y aspects could really use some fine-tuning. I will be slightly less enthused for a sequel than I was the first time around, but if they can make the core game more rewarding, I’ll probably fall for it all over again.

Sonic Mania

There was a time not long ago when we were all clamoring for a “return to form” for The Blue One With Baditude that I wondered to myself “was Sonic ever actually good?” After deliberating on that thought with a recent play through of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 recently, I came to the conclusion that maybe he was not! Enter Sonic Mania, which is absolutely the best Sonic game.

There are core Sonic tenants that Sonic Mania is married to and should totally not be. Many assets are simply copied and pasted from older, badder Sonic games. Many level layouts (including bonus stages) are aped wholesale from older, badder Sonic games. That certain measure of platforming auto-pilot our Dude with ‘Tude leans on is still there. When all that Old and Busted stands side by side with all of Sonic Mania’s New Hotness, nostalgia cannot save it. But there’s something in the juxtaposition of where the Sonic franchise has been and where the Sonic franchise could go from here that’s really fresh and interesting, which is more than I can say about any Sonic game since… probably Sonic 2.

A special mention should go out to the game’s boss fights. Some of them are boring and terrible, like in Sonic & Knuckles. Some of them are simple but fun, like in Sonic 2. Some of them are of a scope and scale previously unknown to the franchise (those ones are the best). Then there are the cheeky self-referential ones that are not always excellent in execution, but are so thematically sound that they’re hard not to love. I think if these developers can free themselves from the shackles of Sonic’s past for the next go round, they could make something really special.

And then there’s the ending where I’m pretty sure Sonic sacrifices himself to destroy the Death Egg and turns into a star ghost that winks at you. Talk about attitude!

Remaster-piece Theater

Mario Kart 8 Deluxe

Excuse the AS SEEN ON TV of it all, but the best Mario Kart ever just got better! A prettier version of the prettiest Mario Kart with a battle mode that doesn’t totally suck dogshit through a straw? Sign me up. Plus, there was this one time I was playing and I was tied for first with Link (I main as Tanooki Mario) and we were about to rock this totally sick jump and me and Link locked eyes and made a silent pact that when we hit the totally sick jump that live or die we are in the Brotherhood of Air together until the end of time and then we hit the gas and POSED TOGETHER MIDAIR. And that’s when I knew Mario Kart 8 Deluxe was the one.

Wonder Boy: The Dragon’s Trap

If I were throwing out high school yearbook superlatives, I would give this game’s music and this game’s visuals “Best Couple.” When it came to gameplay, I could really feel the 1992 of it all at times. It was enjoyable overall, but the game’s style tipped it over the edge for me. It’s far from game of the year, but it’s certainly the most on point remake I’ve played in quite some time and sets what should be the standard for modern day retro remakes.

Metroid: Samus Returns

On the other side of the retro remake isle stands our heroine Samus and her long awaited return to form 2-D adventure Metroid: Samus Returns. I never played OG Metroid II, so I have no idea how much Samus Returns lifted from that 1991 game. Whereas this year’s Wonder Boy remake was a slave to its source material, Samus Returns honors its ancestors in the areas of design, bare bones narrative and toughness (this game is thumb murder), but does enough new shit to have a new, classic Metroid-style game make sense.

I wasn’t sure we needed Samus back. Independent developers have done a bang-up job of filling the void that Samus (and also the Belmonts) have left us with in recent years. I didn’t know what the Metroid franchise had left to say in 2-D. I think that –as with Sonic Mania– getting a fresh set of eyes on our favorite bounty hunter (non-Mandalorian category) made strong strides towards a brighter future for the franchise. And again, just as with Sonic Mania, allowing these same developers to create a new game untethered from Metroid’s past could bring forth some exciting things. The game’s pacing was a touch flat throughout (until a major spike at the end), but it stayed immersive and addictive until the final bell rung. It looked and sounded superb and handled like a dream in a very fun, active way (seriously, my fucking thumbs). If Nintendo really commits to giving a shit about this franchise again, Samus’ future could be bright.

Most Honorable Mentions

Graceful Explosion Machine

Since the Switch hit the market, I am in the tank for old school arcade shoot ‘em ups. Though all three games vary vastly, Graceful Explosion Machine nestles itself nicely between NeoGeo ports Alpha Mission II and Blazing Star on my Switch’s ever so elegant dashboard. The game is ruthless as a motherfucker, but I beat it. It triggered that “GODDAMNIT I WANT TO STRANGLE THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT CONSOLE but I should probably fail nine more times just to be sure” feeling. You know the one. I loved it.

Specter Knight

I am ready and waiting for Yacht Club games to move on from the Shovel Knight franchise, but I am so happy they dropped Specter Knight on us after a disappointing Plague Knight campaign. It’s not quite as deep or challenging as its forefather (a modern day marvel in its genre), but the way it moves feels more fluent than that game ever did. While the “retro throwback indie platformer” genre is feeling more crowded than ever, Specter Knight still feels fresh. And it gave me an excuse to go back to Shovel Knight. Wins all around.

Best Writing

Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus

Boy howdy, do these Machine Games folks know how to get a heel over or what? You’d think that being a Nazi would be enough these days. You’d be right, no matter what you’re uncle’s favorite memes say, but got-DAMN does that Frau Engle get what she deserves. Not only is she the embodiment of evil, but she takes such joy in it. There’s a scene where after returning to his childhood home to retrieve his mother’s family wedding ring, our Nazi stomping hero BJ Blazkowicz gets caught by Frau Engle. She proceeds to mock him, throw slurs at him, and try on the wedding ring, a family heirloom he risked his life for, before she plays kissy face with him in front of a bunch of Nazi soldiers. It is despicable and over the top and darkly comic and gets nuclear heat on an already radioactive character. It’s incredible. And it’s like the third or fourth best scene in the game.

The first chapter of the Wolfenstein reboot The New Order was a fun sci-fi romp with a lot of 80’s action movie bravado and a healthy dose of cheese. It was a solid game with a good story, but it stuck to a path. The New Colossus on the other hand GOES there. Here, there, everywhere. The script follows its whims to dark places, silly places, important places, but always in the service of the overarching narrative and characters. All of the stunts it pulls wouldn’t mean anything if it didn’t mean anything to these characters. Thankfully, this cast goes hard for this script and vice versa.

Middle chapters are tough and endings are tougher. While the ending of The New Colossus is certainly lacking (and features hands down the most wretched end credits track I have ever had the misfortune of hearing), the twists and turns along the way are meaty enough and the voice work exceptional enough to make the trip well worth it. There is some insane shit in this game that I would rather not spoil. Put it on baby mode, knock it the fuck out, and mute the end credits.

Night in the Woods

The story of Night in the Woods is simple: a girl, who is a cat, comes back to her hometown after fucking up at college. That’s about it. There’s some weird cult stuff near the end, but it’s more focused on the character of Mae (the girl cat) and her dirtbag friends. Set in a rust belt small town during a time of economic depression, Night in the Woods feels far more grounded than you’d think a game full of papercraft house pets would feel. You check in with your mom and dad every day, break fluorescent bulbs near dumpsters with your fellow burnouts, and fuck off at the local video store. It’s mundane stuff, but the characters are so genuine and their conversations so funny and heartfelt that those simple actions feel really special.

The game doesn’t shy away from heavy subjects, either. Depression (both medical and fiscal), alcoholism, and religion are all touched upon in grounded and gripping ways. But this game shines brightest when it’s just Mae chilling with her buds and making up for lost time. Seeing Mae’s friendships (some solid, some shaky) grow and transform throughout the game is where the game really gets me. There aren’t enough video games about friends being friends, being a depressed fuckup, or coping with failure. That’s what makes this game stand out to me.

Funniest Game of the Year

Yakuza 0

Here’s the core joke template for Yakuza 0: Dorky, straight-laced former Yakuza Kiryu gets roped into civilian bullshit, is forced to usually lie/pull off some shady shit/save someone in peril, then helps the civilian learn “the true meaning of [blank]” as a sappy, heartfelt organ ditty kicks in and everyone lives happy ever after. It’s a simple premise that the game leans on heavily, but it works, goddamnit. Like how Coach always misunderstands Sam in Cheers. Or how Joey likes sandwiches in Friends.

Then there’s the dreamy black and white cut scenes that kick in every time Kiryu or Majima learn a new fighting style that show them excitedly air-punching/kicking, breakdancing, or throwing bicycles around. Then there’s the karaoke scenes where Kiryu transforms into a 80s rock god with his buddies. Then there’s the big bold text whenever a threat shows up… STREET HOOLIGANS! DRUNKARDS! MR. SHAKEDOWN! I taught a lady how to be a great dominatrix. I taught some posers how to be punks. But most importantly, I bought porno for a young child.

A young NPC named “Innocent Lad” approached me and asked me to buy him a porno mag from a vending machine. After some hesitation, the game initiated a stealth mini-game in which I had to avoid the glares of professional young women and acquire a porno mag. As soon as I handed the smut over to the small child, his name changed to “Sophisticated Lad.”

This game had me rolling each time I turned it on. The gameplay couldn’t quite keep me hooked, but the writing and direction in this game is exceptional. If Sega keeps shipping this stuff stateside, I will probably keep buying it. Because I need the fuckin’ weird, man. I need the fuckin’ weird.

Main Event: Super Mario Odyssey vs Breath of the Wild

The Grandaddy of Them All. The Showcase of the Immortals. The Biggest One Since the Big One. MARIO VS LINK. WHO YA GOT?

It’s impossible to overstate the impact these two franchises have had on video games. Mario, who saved console gaming after Atari’s crash. Zelda, who defined an entire genre for years to come. For a while there, Nintendo was like Kleenex or Band-Aid. Every video game was “a Nintendo.” I bet that to a lot of old farts, your Playstation 4 is still a Nintendo. So when Nintendo drops a new mainline Mario or Zelda game, it tends to make a splash. The fact that they dropped one of each within the span of a year on a brand new console is crazy. That both games would be franchise bests is bologna fucking bonkers.

Of course, I’ve had great attachment to both Mario and Zelda from a young age. Zelda is something I came into probably around the time of Ocarina of Time (1998, I was 10 years old). But I remember playing Super Mario Bros. on my NES when I was three years old. It was a Christmas gift. I plugged it into my grandma and grandpa’s TV as soon as I unwrapped it. I remember sitting on the floor Videodrome-ing the screen, totally unaware that my life had changed and I would be a huge fucking nerd for the rest of my life. I think about that scene a lot because it feels like I’m not supposed to remember things from when I was three years old. Because that game and that character has been a part of my life for literally as long as I can remember. Because I play Super Mario Odyssey and still feel some of that magic I felt back in 1991.

Of all the joyful surprises Super Mario Odyssey springs on you (and there are so many), one level stands as a perfect crystallization of Super Mario by wrapping together the franchise’s history, mechanics, artwork and level design, all backed with an incredible tune. So before we pick a winner, let’s discuss the…

Moment/Level of the Year

“A Traditional Festival”

There is an onslaught of fan service in Super Mario Odyssey. Some people treat “fan service” as a dirty word, but as a fan, I find it serves me quite well. There are references large and small to Mario’s past, but none quite as in your face or impactful as the Metro Kingdom’s “A Traditional Festival,” a super nostalgic joyride along the skyline of New Donk City. Pauline’s return to the Mario universe was much publicized pre-launch, but it didn’t diminish how delightful it was to watch her and her band perform a song celebrating Mario saving the city while our hero transforms from 2D to 3D and jukes and jives along the bright pink steel beams of Donkey Kong.

While the concentrated blast of nostalgia would be enough in this instance, the level – though short and simple – flows so well through the final showdown with Donkey Kong that it’s easy to get lost in the pure platforming that made Mario a household name to begin with. But the cherry on top is the final song and dance alongside Pauline, a song so wonderfully brassy and weird and a chubby little dance so adorable that I thought I would push my screenshot button right through to the other side. The sequence encapsulates Mario in ways I didn’t quite expect. I never expected to see Pauline in a mainline Mario game, or to have Mario face off with Donkey Kong again, or to have this saucy little ditty about grabbing coins and flipping switches stuck in my head for weeks on end. I always expect excellence from a mainline Mario game, but I never expected this culmination of everything Mario in such a grand fashion, and I never expected to get hit this hard with it. It was pure joy.

DOOM of the Year

There’s an emotion that you humans experience called “love” that is made up of unending exuberance and affection and makes you want to put your lips on things or buy houseplants with someone. It was a confusing and repulsive concept until I played DOOM. But now… me love. Me love DOOM. I want to kiss DOOM. I want to buy houseplants with DOOM.

I thought I was finally ready to put 2016’s DOOM back in the sarcophagus for a while. I really did. Then Bethesda had to go and announce DOOM for Nintendo Switch and I’ll be hellbound and goddamned, it feels like the first time. Feels like the very first time. But I can’t let this fire burn forever. I just can’t. There are too many video games. So in honor of 2016’s blood soaked, Satanic, metal up your ass masterpiece, I herby declare that henceforth, my annual “Game of the Year” award will be referred to as the “DOOM of the Year.” I bestow this honor upon DOOM because a year and a half after its release, I still think about DOOM like two or three times a week. In turn, I bestow DOOM’s honor upon my favorite game each year because I trust and believe they are worthy of Doomslayer’s mantle. Forever, BOW DOWN ALL HAIL 2016’s DOOM. For now, BOW DOWN ALL HAIL 2017’S DOOM OF THE YEAR.

Runner-up: Super Mario Odyssey

Both of Nintendo’s tent pole releases this year share a similar design philosophy: spread out the game’s most rewarding moments over vast, open maps and make a shitload of them. The dungeons of The Legend of Zelda’s past were broken down into bite-sized puzzles/battles and scattered across the entirety of a gigantic Hyrule in the form of shrines, with each solution/victory rewarding Link with a health or stamina upgrade making him stronger on his quest. In the same way, Odyssey removed the ONE STAR PER OUTING rule from Super Mario 64 and scattered Moons (the game’s Star equivalent) everywhere. EVERYWHERE. (Like there’s 880 to earn, so honestly a little too everywhere.)

You can definitely see these two games rubbing off on each other in the same way you could Super Mario 64 and Ocarina of Time. Though two years separate the two, they were apparently developed “across the hall” from each other, leading members from each development team to surf between games from time to time. While those two games had some connective tissue (large, connected open worlds and environment manipulation), they were more or less two separate game philosophies (classic platforming versus action/adventure) translated perfectly into three dimensions. Odyssey and Breath of the Wild, however, feel like separate but similar takes on the same core design philosophy to varying results. Both games are exceptional on nearly every measurable level and will eventually become classics in their genre.

But.

I think Odyssey’s seams show a bit more than Breath of the Wild. I think Odyssey’s Moon checklist, level gates, and the repetition of some of the Moon challenges remove some of the game’s mystique. I feel the systems in Odyssey at work a little more than I do in Breath of the Wild, and less surprised because of it. That is certainly not to say that Odyssey isn’t full of surprises. And now that I’ve torn this game that I adore to shreds, let’s get into some of them.

I think “A Traditional Festival” is one of the most joyous video game moments I’ve ever experienced. I think everything about Peach’s Castle - from first discovering it to exploring it to buying the costumes available there to stumbling upon one of the most clever and mind-blowing platforming sections ever (“A Secret 2D Treasure”) – was nothing short of incredible. I think using Cappy to capture Bowser was the totally logical conclusion to this game that I somehow never saw coming and was blown away by. I think the moment Mario and Bowser shared after being rebuffed by Peach was the hardest laugh I’ve ever had playing a Mario Game. I think Odyssey offers some of the most challenging and rewarding Mario gameplay the series has ever exhibited. I think it’s a masterpiece. But I just don’t think it’s quite as good as…

DOOM of the Year 2017: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

I can’t quite get behind the idea of Breath of the Wild as this universal adventure that every man, woman, or child on Earth can get behind. I think there are systems in this game that will turn people off. I think its total lack of structure will disappoint some longtime fans of the franchise, especially those hoping for new, exciting, memorable dungeons. While its smaller moments (both narrative-wise and personal, emergent experience-wise) are incredibly special (we’ll get to that later), I think it lacks major spectacle like the boss fights from Ocarina of Time or the dark world reveal from A Link to the Past.

All of that stuff made this game so much more special to me. Its consumable weapon system removed my inhibition to try out or just totally waste new weapons and made every treasure chest reveal as exciting as the last. The spectacular Master Trials DLC almost turned the weapon system into its own puzzle game in a weird, exciting and challenging way. The cooking system and its way of teaching you how to maximize the health/stamina potential of each meal was a blast and always kept hunting at the forefront of my mind while exploring. I spent hours and hours not only hunting down wildlife for meat, but also taming and riding bears and shit.

Unbound by weapon/item-gated areas or the standard dungeon-to-dungeon structure, Breath of the Wild’s “scattered breadcrumbs” approach made exploring what felt like a limitless map unendingly exciting. Each breadcrumb led to another breadcrumb and another and another, with food, weapons, Korok seeds, jokes, weird characters, battles or shrines around every corner. There was much trepidation pre-release about how full of life the game’s worldmap would actually be. From someone who is on the edge of the hour count max of the Hero’s Path feature (it counts your steps from the last 200 hours of gameplay, I’m at 190+ hours), I can tell you that my map is nowhere near covered with footprints and that this map feels pretty lively. This “scattered breadcrumbs” approach feels minimalist in design principle, but when expanded across virtual miles of worldmap, it maximizes the potential of every nook and cranny in Hyrule.

The game lacks those traditional big, epic Zelda moments, sure. No Impa/Zelda fleeing Hyrule Castle on horseback, no creepyass meet-cute with the Happy Mask Salesman, no sword to pierce Ganondorf’s skull. Breath of the Wild manages to evoke the same emotions that those moments gave us but with much smaller scope. The game’s Memories mechanic slowly filled in Link and Zelda’s relationship leading up to the events of the game. Not every vignette worked, but each flashback at each Memory location gave context to not only Zelda’s identity, but also the somewhat patchy recent history of Hyrule and its downfall. Like 2016’s DOOM, those narrative moments are there if you want them but easy to dismiss if you don’t.

Most of all though, this game’s constant, communal unraveling of secrets, tricks, glitches, and surprises made the experience of playing this game alongside friends and the occasionally inspiring but often discouraging giant void that is Video Games Twitter an experience unlike any other that I have had in my lifetime of playing video games. Sharing screenshots and videos of all the crazy shit that could be done, breaking the game to force my way into locked off areas of shrines, flying across the map with a magnet and a mine cart, stumbling across Great Fairies, finding my way into ZELDA’S BEDROOM, using fire arrows to HACK BEAR MEAT… this game has surprises at every turn. It feels like they put just as much time and care into designing this game as they did into not designing it, allowing the player to break it in juuuuust the right way. Sharing those experiences day after day with my friends and having Twitter and Polygon and Giant Bomb share entirely different experiences or figure out totally new tricks for me to fuck with undoubtedly made Breath of the Wild that much more fun. All of this adds up to one of Nintendo’s crowning achievements and one of the best games I’ve ever played.

Unless ID Software makes good on my Super DOOM pitch next year, the one that ends with the Doomslayer actually becoming Satan, I don’t think 2018 will live up to its predecessor. But in this, the best time to be playing video games, anything is possible. Even a good Sonic game.

If you choose to live outside of reality like I do, 2016 fucking ruled. In 2016, I became the Doomslayer. I became Agent 47, the motherfuckin' mack daddy pimp of international assassins. I rekindled old flames. I heavily supported indie developers by buying a bunch of shit I'll probably never play. By virtue of 2016 having two of this generation's best games and a whole shitload more that I'm dying to play but haven't gotten around to yet, I'd say it's been the best year for games in quite some time (though 2015's one-two punch of Super Mario Maker and The Phantom Pain was nothing to sneeze at). Before we forget old acquaintance and all that jazz, let's really bask in this 2016 glow.

BEST OLD GAMES OF 2016

Mega Man Legacy Collection

This was a relatively bare bones reissue done really well. There's no new content beyond the obligatory concept art galleries or sprite museums, but it puts all the 8-bit Mega Man games in one place - with save states! - and it can slip right into your ass pocket. Reliving the magic of Mega Man 2 & 3 again has been a yearlong blessing, and falling in love with Mega Man 4 for the first time took me by surprise. The first and fifth entries are pretty rough and the sixth is a mixed bag, but the ruthless challenge of these games always keep me coming back. Also, I tried and failed to marathon Mega Man 1-10 with my best friends, so that was pretty cool to do.

Doom

After the unholy glory of 2016's DOOM, I felt it necessary to bend a knee at the Satanic altar of the original. As a good little console boy growing up, I never dabbled in 1993's Doom. I never fucked with any of the myriad of ports and really had no relation whatsoever to the game until I bought it on XBLA in 2012. It sat there for another four years before I finally played it, but wow! Doom is a really good game! Obviously it stands on its own as a pillar of the FPS genre, but connecting the past to the here and now was a thrilling and educational experience. This year's DOOM really is an extension and explosion of this game's concepts, and how they pulled it off I'll never know.

The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds

I liked but didn't love this game upon it's 2013's release. Upon a revisit this year in the midst of a series replay, I think it became one of my favorite Zelda games by kind of not really being much of a Zelda game. It plays much closer to an old-school action game with a seemingly silly gameplay gimmick than its spiritual predecessor A Link to the Past. Considering Zelda's last dalliance with pure old-school action was the painfully boring and disappointing Oracle of Seasons, this might sound like a bad thing. But there's an energy behind the movement and combat in this game that Zelda games rarely achieve. The exploration and puzzle solving is still present here, but the heavy focus on combat made this year's revisit a rather welcome one.

BEST LEVELS

DOOM's Intro

There is no greater table setting for DOOM than its opening salvo of Satanic worship, glory kills, and fuck you-itude. We open on the sarcophagus on our hero Doom Guy. We move through to find a fucking Satanic altar set up to worship Doom Guy's Praetor Suit. We are warned via computer screen that a "DEMONIC INVASION [IS] IN PROGRESS." A guy tells you to do some dumb stuff and you tell him to fuck right the hell off. Some speedy ass dub metal kicks in, you own a bunch of fucking demons, the last note of the song is you pumping your shotgun, and the title card drops. You will never forget it.

Hitman's Sapienza

Of all of Hitman's darkly humorous homicidal little playgrounds, developer IO Interactive's Sapienza map stands tallest. A sprawling and gorgeous Italian(ish) city, Agent 47 is tasked with taking out two targets in an expansive Italian villa set above a cavernous research facility. It would be enough if the level centered on only those two locations, but everything surrounding Caruso family mansion is ripe for exploration, ranging from an old castle to a cathedral to a morgue to restaurants to apartments to church catacombs... it's a huge fucking level. And despite its massive size, it is filled out so beautifully, containing the game's most satisfying and funniest assassination opportunities. We're talking private dicks, dead mom ghosts, cannonball deaths, gene targeting super viruses, exploding golf balls, True Lies identity switches during sexy meetups, throwing people in FUCKING WOODCHIPPERS, and - my personal favorite - killing a guy with a circumcision knife dressed as one of those weird old bird doctor things while this masterpiece plays on VHS. It is a triumph in design and the highlight of one of 2016's best games.

Super Mario Maker's Super Mario 64 2D - Ground Floor

Super Mario Maker was my favorite game of 2015, but I've fallen off of it considerably since my initial love affair with it. I ended up creating over 30 levels, many of which I was quite proud of, but I hit my creative ceiling and haven't been back much since. Then I came across this, a 2D de-make of Super Mario 64, and I felt some of that Mario Maker magic I haven't felt in a while. It would be enough if this level was only a nostalgia trip with silly little references to that 64-bit masterpiece. But clever platforming and perfect implementation of the much more limited 2D toolset make this level can't miss for Super Mario Maker fans. Every level in creator BRICK 101's Super Mario 64 2D series is a joy, but the first level is the one that reminded me just how special Super Mario Maker can be/still is.

BEST MUSIC

DOOM

Composer Mick Gordon captured id's tour through Hell and back with a pummeling downpour of chugging guitars that kick in and kick out precisely when they need to. As and endless sea of hellspawn tidal waves towards you, there is no greater companion than Gordon's relentless fucking Godzilla Atomic Breath beam of thumping, punishing metal. To be enraptured in this music while Beserk kicks in for the first time is FUCKING DIVINE. IT FUCKING RULES SO HARD. IT WAS MY FAVORITE MOMENT OF THE FUCKING YEAR. THANK YOU MICK GORDON. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.

Virginia

Virginia has a lot of problems, but its music ain't one of them. Composed by Lyndon Holland and performed by some symphony whose name I can't find right now, Virginia's score literally drives the narrative, cuing the game's various jumpcuts and building/tearing down the game's tension. Though it's filled with grande, sweeping orchestral movements, it's also surprisingly varied, featuring plenty of smaller more intimate compositions that are more fitting for the game's more claustrophobic locales.Without this score, Virginia would be an afterthought in a year that featured so many standout, story driven indie titles. Its score makes it a must play.

SHIT I REALLY WANNA PLAY REALLY SOON

Final Fantasy XV

Maybe once they, you know, finish developing it.

The Witcher 3

Once I can set aside these shorter indie games, I'm planning on jumping into this one.

Let it Die

This sounds terribly complicated but my thirst for that signature Suda 51 style will need to be quenched eventually.

Firewatch

If this is a better Virginia, I want it.

Hyper Light Drifter

It looks and sounds so gorgeous, but the middling reviews scared me off. Would still love to get to it, just not quite yet.

Bloodborne

Want to bone up on that Souls style gameplay in 2D via Salt & Sanctuary before I dive into Bloodborne.

BIGGEST BUMMERS

Pac-Man Championship Edition 2

My expectations for this one - a follow up to one of my all time favorite arcade games - were huge. Pac-Man Championship Edition DX+ is legend in my house and is still a drunken go-to six years after its initial release. While I welcomed an interesting change-up from the formula, CE2 pretty much breaks Pac-Man. You can bump into ghosts in this game. The ghost chaining is automated. The music is worse. It all just pissed me off. It removed some of the linearity of its predecessor in interesting ways, but it committed the cardinal sin of sequels: it is way less fun. Goddamn, I'm still bummed just thinking about it.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess HD

Bad Zelda game. Bad, bad Zelda game. Good amiibo, bad Zelda game. Twilight Princess is a Zelda game where skills and weapons are introduced and immediately tossed aside, fetch quests are endless, and exploration seems impossible. It is dour and muddy in its presentation, humorless in its storytelling, and littered with completely indistinct characters. But those fucking horrific character models sure do look pretty in HD though!

GRANDE FINALE

Honorable Mentions:

BoxBoxBoy

A fun puzzle/platformer with a cute style and addictive gameplay that I hit a roadblock with and haven't touched in awhile.

Picross 3D: Round 2

A near perfect puzzle game that sucked life from me like the Arc of the fucking Covenant.

Jackbox Party Pack

A casual multiplayer experience I would recommend to gamers and non-gamers alike. There's this one game where you have to come up with a funny joke and my really funny friend Steve though my joke was the funniest joke and it was one of my favorite gaming moments of the year.

Runner up 2016: Hitman

Hitman is a game that gets the little stuff perfect. The way it ties its maps together, the way its characters interact with each other (and also help tie its maps together), its easter eggs, its small moments, quirks, glitches, fuckups are all apart of this weird meta-game mythos (is that a thing?) that turn Hitman into this wildly personal and then communal experience that managed to last throughout the entire year. People bristled at the episodic structure at first, but it has become undoubtedly clear that it is the only way to play this game. The games maps are too rich for only one go-round. I've played through most of them probably a dozen times each. Like last year's The Phantom Pain, Hitman allows you to create your own stories on how you accomplished objectives, how you escaped with perfect timing and a perfect score, or how you fucked up everything you possibly could and still flew off in a helicopter dressed as a fucking sheik. When you throw on how much post-game content and how many updates IO has done on top of everything, this is a masterstroke by any measure.

Game of the Year 2016: DOOM

Y'allready know what it is. I've blabbered on and on about DOOM all year long, but for good reason. It fucking owns. It fucking owns so hard. And in light of the recent three part documentary on the game (that I highly recommend), I think I'm ready to start it all over again. Learning that this game was inspired by Robocop and The Last Boy Scout makes me love it even more. How could I not? How could anyone not? BOW DOWN ALL HAIL.

Tempered by the fires of Hell, his iron will remained steadfast through the passage that preys upon the weak. For he alone was the Hell Walker, the Unchained Predator, who sought retribution in all quarters, dark and light, fire and ice, in the beginning and the end, and he hunted the slaves of Doom with barbarous cruelty; for he passed through the divide as none but demon had before. And in his conquest against the blackened souls of the doomed, his prowess was shown. In his crusade, the seraphim bestowed upon him terrible power and speed, and with his might he crushed the obsidian pillars of the Blood Temples. He set forth without pity upon the beasts of the nine circles. Unbreakable, incorruptible, unyielding, the Doom Slayer sought to end the dominion of the dark realm.

Just get a load of that shit, will you? And that's just parts two and three (of seven) in the Slayer's Testament.

If you had asked anyone pre-release whether DOOM would be walking out of 2016 with the title belt around its waist, you probably would've gotten a resounding "no" peppered with a few hearty chuckles. After spending eight years in some form of development (with two major pivots coming in 2011 and 2013), DOOM's 2016 beta was met with either disappointment or total apathy. Couple that with the announcement that publisher Bethesda would not send DOOM out for critical consideration and you have yourself a recipe for certain... well, you know. It was going to be just another unnecessary franchise reboot. Just another bland shooter in a world full of them. Just another nail in the Doom Slayer's coffin.

And then the game hit. And it hit like a fucking runaway train engulfed in flames with a choir of blistering dubsteb/metal guitars propelling it further forward.

This is a very special video game. The campaign's opening sequence is a perfect little diamond of video gaming. In a short ten or so minutes, it tells you everything you need to know about DOOM. It sets the table for its minimalist storytelling, dishes out a healthy dose of its laser focused style and voice, and thrusts you into its world of light speed carnage with a swift kick right in the ass.

It would be easy to accuse this game of "style over substance" crimes without having played it. It is a glorious orgy of metal and gore, dripping with demonic, bloody viscus. It paints with such a diverse brush, never letting any setting feel drab or redundant. That first step out onto the surface of Mars, with its molten lava reds and oranges. That epic descent into Hell, sandblasted in a charcoal dust with flourishes of burnt out ivory and, as always, a thick layer of the good stuff: demon blood. Even its abandoned space station corridors (a typically trite and boring recurring setting in space shooters) are peppered with enough flair to not only remain interesting but help keep track of map.

That style meshes perfectly with DOOM's gameplay. The polygamous marriage of the game's aesthetic, the relentless electronic-metal-dub-core (?) soundtrack and twitch based, breakneck onslaught of lead and chainsaw is a glorious Satanic unity that no man shall put asunder. This is not just 1993's DOOM in the year of our Dark Lord 2016. It's fast like that DOOM, it's stingy with its ammo at times like that DOOM, but it feels so much more than that. When you're bobbing and weaving through enemies after just ripping the heart out of a Gore Nest, it feels like Galaga in hell. When it's teaching you the spawn patterns of its hellacious array of enemies, it feels like Mega Man in hell. When it launches hordes of wiry Imps or brutish Barons at you, it feels like Halo in hell. It feels like, to borrow a phrase, a video game ass video game. That loop of wearing down an enemy for a glory kill and then KICKING HIM IN THE SHIN TO GET HIM INTO A PRONE POSITION SO THAT YOU CAN TWIST OFF HIS FUCKING HEAD FOR HEALTH never gets old. Along with Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, it is the most satisfying gameplay of this generation.

It doesn't hurt that these maps are masterfully designed. They're fluid for minimal backtracking, tightly wound enough so that you won't get lost, but open enough for what feels like an endless treasure trove of secrets. They even nailed things like layering each level's floors on top of each other perfectly with optimal vertical access in mind. That is the lamest sentence I've ever written, but it's true!

Now, I didn't fuck with any of that multiplayer stuff, but I can say without question that this is my favorite FPS campaign I've ever played. I've already beaten it three or four times, and I just booted up the recently released (free!) arcade mode. I can't find anything wrong with any of it. It feels like this game was made for me. It's fucking blood and guts and metal and Satan and it just fucking never. ever. stops. It's tough as a motherfucker and prettier than a ten dollar whore. It is ownage incarnate. This has been a great year for video games, but it's finally time for the coronation of the Doom Slayer. Bow the fuck down and all the fuck hail. DOOM. DOOM. DOOM.

An email on the April 13^th 2016 episode of Giant Bombcast proposed a difficult yet wonderfully fun question. Allow me to paraphrase:

“If you were to give five Nintendo games to someone who has never played a Nintendo game before in their life, what would those games be?”

As a lifelong Nintendo fanboy, my head started spinning. Where to start? One game from each of their top five consoles? One game from each of their major franchises? Maybe just their top five games? No. It can’t be that simple. I’m bestowing the Nintendo gospel upon a non-believer. I have a responsibility to overthink this for a few thousand words.

Nintendo means a lot of things to a lot of people. To some, kiddie bullshit. To others, the pinnacle of game design. When putting together this list, I felt there were a few core values that these five games needed to satisfy in order to garner the full range of the Nintendo experience:

1) One of them has to be a Mario game

To know Mario is to know Nintendo. If there is some poor sap out there who has never experienced the pure joy of Nintendo’s flagship platformer, it shall be rectified.

2) One of them has to be a Zelda game

The Zelda franchise has obviously left an indelible, immeasurable mark on video games. Considering there is a hypothetical insane moron out there who has never played a Zelda game, it’s important they understand where an entire genre of games was birthed from and perfected upon.

3) The multiplayer experience

Though Nintendo’s online multiplayer offering is still (mostly) living in the dark ages, their “same couch” multiplayer offerings have been a staple of their home and portable consoles from jump street. Think of the 22 consecutive hours I spent in a friend’s dorm playing Super Smash Bros Brawl. Think of Paintball Mode. Think of the college dormitories littered with N64’s, Gamecube’s, and Wii’s throughout the ages. We must honor their service.

4) The portable experience

While the original Gameboy’s library doesn’t pack the punch of Nintendo’s other consoles, it cannot be overstated how fucking huge of a phenomenon the Gameboy was. Nintendo’s portable evolution, from Gameboy to the half-steppin Gameboy Color to the greatly improved Gameboy Advance, Nintendo’s grasp on the portable market reached its peak with the Nintendo DS, a fucking monument to portable gaming. With a game library nearly unmatched, the Nintendo DS/DS Lite stands near the top of video game consoles, portable or otherwise. History may not see the 3DS in the same light as the original DS, but it is nonetheless doing a commendable job of living up to the standards of Nintendo’s handheld legacy.

5) That Nintendo weirdness

There’s an argument to be made about Nintendo’s flagship franchises being perhaps a bit too samey after three decades. I won’t make it, but some other schmuck will. But if you dig a little deeper than the mainline Mario’s and Zelda’s, you’ll find a treasure trove of weird ass shit. While the aforementioned main eventers are certainly not immune to Nintendo’s flights of whimsy (Super Mario Bros 2, Majora’s Mask, and the various Mario spinoffs), Nintendo gives their “second tier” franchises a shitload of freedom with regards to gameplay. In recent years, the Kirby franchise has become a test lab for all sorts of odd and original gameplay. The Animal Crossing series has been a perplexing endeavor from its inception. Even some of the more subtle details of the major franchises, like how Super Mario Bros 3 is actually all a play or Super Smash Bros is the result of a toybox come to life, go to show that even though Nintendo is often dogged for franchise retread, they still find weird, subtle ways to keep things fresh.

So there’s the criteria I’m working with. Now, onto the rules:

-I’m only fuckin with that North American shit

-The game has to be published by Nintendo

-No compilations

On to the selections! We’ll do one winner, one runner-up, and one dark horse alternate candidate.

MARIO

Super Mario World (1990)

Though nostalgia pecks away at me for passing on Super Mario Bros 3 for this spot, this is probably the easiest decision to make. Super Mario World was locked in before the question was finished being raised. Super Mario World is the perfect distillation of the Mario formula, the thread that ties together Nintendo’s humble 8-bit 2D beginnings to its glass shattering, mind blowing first steps into 3D platforming. I don’t think there’s a more important game to Nintendo’s past or future than this one. This game introduced design principles that Nintendo still uses as a foundation for present day Mario games, be it 2D or 3D. Secret exits, the completely connected overworld and Yoshi all make their debut here. To top it off, 16-bit era graphics age better than any other generation, so the jagged edges of the 8-bit or 64-bit era won’t go scaring off our young, impressionable n00b. And the music, good god. Bow down all hail Koji Kondo.

Runer-up: Super Mario Bros 3 (1988)

Though Super Mario Bros 3 will always be closest to my heart, it can’t quite compare to our number one choice, but it makes a good case for itself with the introduction of world maps, out of level items, its myriad of power-ups, and sheer size for an 8-bit game. It’s importance to Nintendo is somewhat diminished in the wake of Super Mario World, but it’s hard to imagine that game existing without the foundation Super Mario Bros 3 laid down. It’s also one of Nintendo’s biggest selling games of all time: 17 million NES cartridges (including bundles) moved. Throw a GBA rerelease, two Super Mario All-Star collections and multiple Virtual Console releases on top of that and you’ve got yourself a stew going.

Dark Horse: New Super Mario Bros (2006)

Another sales juggernaut that helped get the DS off the ground, New Super Mario Bros was a return to 2D platforming after an extended hiatus (11 years if you count Yoshi’s Island, 14 if you don’t and count Super Mario Land 2 instead). While it was low on innovation, the joy of a 2D mainline Mario game after so long was a welcome burst of nostalgia. It also kicked off the “New” line of Mario games, a platform that allows Nintendo to futz around in retro land in between main event Mario games. Plus it’s on a portable system and had some bitchin’ multiplayer. Coulda been a three-fur.

ZELDA

A Link to the Past (1991)

In the same way that Super Mario World ties Mario’s (and Nintendo’s) past and future together, A Link to the Past does that for the Zelda franchise. Ocarina of Time will always be the series’ peak, but A Link to the Past finds the series at its most streamlined and accessible. For total Zelda neophytes, it might be hard to understand the impact of Ocarina of Time without first learning the concepts and themes of A Link to the Past. Experiencing the series’ evolution between its (first) last 2D title and first 3D title will make the appreciation for each game that much greater. The original NES entry would provide a great context for the exploration portion of the series’ gameplay, but it’s far too archaic at this point to include here.

Runner-up: Ocarina of Time 3D (2011)

It’s breaks my heart to leave Ocarina of Time – perhaps the greatest game Nintendo (or anyone else) has ever developed – off of this list, but for all the reasons listed above it feels right to start out with A Link to the Past. Remember: if we fuck up these first five games, our young explorer might never bother with game six. Oh, and go with the 2011 3D rerelease. That way you can play Master Quest as soon as you’re done. Looks like a million bucks, too. And, it scratches that portable itch.

Dark Horse: Majora’s Mask 3D (2015)

Majora’s Mask is far too complex an adventure to give to anyone who has never touched a Zelda game before, but it’s a game that fully encapsulates Nintendo’s weirdness. Beyond the core gameplay mechanic (the 72 hours to save the world system), the bizarre imagery, dark themes and bonkers “true” ending are so far removed from the mainline Zelda games but epitomize Nintendo’s weirder tendencies so well. Plus, you can play it on the go in 3D! Another three-fer!

PORTABLE MULTIPLAYER

Mario Kart 7 (2011)

Two birds with one stone? You bet your ass, cowboy. To satiate our need for Nintendo’s trademark brand of exciting, accessible, set the dorms on fire, same couch or online multiplayer, the only choice is Mario Kart. Though I prefer the Super Smash Bros franchise, it’s not even a contest choosing between which franchise I would hand off to a first time player. And considering each Mario Kart game is better than the last, I would hand them the second newest one because you can play it on 3DS and show off some of that local wireless multiplayer action in addition to some of that hot ass download play. Some would say Double Dash is the right choice here. I would say Mario Kart 8 is the best game in the franchise. But the thrill of an 8-player race full of red shells and rubberbanding and photo finishes in the same room with eight of your friends/mortal enemies is something every gamer should experience. That’s why the 3DS entry of the Mario Kart franchise gets the nod here.

Runner-up: Super Smash Bros for Wii U/3DS (2014)

Either edition of the fourth entry in the Super Smash Bros franchise would be difficult to recommend to a n00b, but there’s still something to be said for the novelty and excitement of pitting Mario against Zelda against Donkey Kong against some Fire Emblem jobber in an nail biting, arcade-y free for all. The sheer content of Super Smash Bros for WiiU/3DS is enough to make a fanboy blush, but it might not be perfect for a first timer. Once they gain a little perspective and can appreciate Big N’s history, this will be the perfect game for them.

Dark Horse: Splatoon (2015)

No, it’s not portable, but it captures some of that weirdness Nintendo does so well, and it’s the absolute peak of Nintendo’s rather barren online community. Beyond its simplicity and accessibility, the volume and affordability (see: FREE) of its DLC is astounding, though things like that may be lost on someone without much experience in the money hungry marketplace that is triple-A online shooters.

WEIRDNESS

Animal Crossing: New Leaf (2013)

The Animal Crossing franchise is simultaneously one of Nintendo’s weirdest, yet most casual titles. It’s more or less a non-game. There’s no end, no high score, no princess to save, and you’re a human living in a town full of animals. There are objectives - fish to catch, bugs to net, fossils to excavate, mortgages to pay off – but nothing happens if you complete them. Or fail to complete them. It is an open and endless little bit of weird that encourages daily play, multilpayer, and sending useless letters to animals in your neighborhood. It might sound mindless, but Nintendo’s recent interest in empowering the player with creativity (Miis, WarioWare DIY, Super Mario Maker), the ability to customize your character and his or her house was an important stepping stone in allowing players to make these games their own. Animal Crossing is far more suited to handheld rather than console (a perfect timewaster for in between classes or bus stop hangage), so let’s go with the latest entry New Leaf.

Runner-up: WarioWare: MegaMicro Games Inc (2003)

Admittedly, there isn’t much substance to the WarioWare franchise, but that doesn’t change the fact that some of these games are endlessly fun. Oftentimes, that’s enough. The wacky humor, the impulse to give it one more go after each failure, and the appreciation of Nintendo’s history with tiny, remixed references to old games makes the WarioWare games a staple of Nintendo’s catalogue, just not quite necessary for virgins. Start with the first GBA game when you start digging in, though.

Dark Horse: Pokemon Snap (1999)

Consider this the darkest of horses. Giving a 64-bit, on-rails photography simulator to a person who has never experienced a Nintendo game could spell instant doom for a gamer on their maiden Nintendo voyage. But the thing is, this game is so weird and fun! It’s easy to pick up, fun to experiment with, and filled with lots of lovable, huggable, profitable Pokemon. Yeah, it’s probably too deep a cut to start out with, but it shouldn’t go without mention with regards to Nintendo’s whimsy.

WILDCARD

Super Mario Galaxy 2 (2010)

So after fulfilling the five requirements with only five games, we’ve got one slot left to play with. And while this list is already pretty Mario heavy, I couldn’t leave off my favorite game of all time what I consider to be the peak of 3D platforming: Super Mario Galaxy 2. Super Mario Galaxy 2 is Nintendo coming full circle. The cave drawing that is Super Mario Bros turned into the blazing fire that is Super Mario Galaxy 2. It is a monument to game design, platforming, and most importantly for the purposes of this list, Nintendo. It is the modernization of their 1985 breakthrough. It is Shigeru Miyamoto’s dreams fully realized. It is the best game I’ve ever played in my life. To leave it off this list would be a downright fucking injustice.

Runner-up: Wii Sports (2006)

Wii Sports’ impact on video games is immeasurable. The Wii’s pack-in game singlehandedly changed the industry, opening up the floodgates for “casual gamers” to stomp all over my sacred landscape. It turned everyone into a gamer, if only for a while, and made the Wii the centerpiece of the living room. It was something everyone - children, college kids, and grandparents - needed to try. Not all the games on the compilation are great, and maybe it’s a “you had to be there” sort of thing, but Wii Sports is without a doubt one of Nintendo’s most important games ever.

Dark Horse: Pikmin 2 (2004)

I don’t think the Pikmin could possibly exist on anything other than a Nintendo console, at least these days. It’s too non-traditional, too slow, and doesn’t have nearly enough space marines with SMGs. It’s so wonderfully Nintendo. It’s funny and complex and while all three Pikmin games are great, Pikmin 2 offers the most freedom and accessibility. It’s easy to sleep on Pikmin considering there’s only three games in the series and they don’t sell particularly well, but they’re games that Nintendo kids should definitely check out.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Super Metroid (1994)

The Super Metroid formula was perfected upon by other developers on other consoles, but that game still gives me goose bumps. It’s just that you can get the gist of it through other means than playing Super Metroid.

Metroid Prime (2002)

Another phenomenal game, but nothing distinctly Nintendo about it (beyond their trademark excellence and polish).

Earthbound (1994)

Would be a great way to showcase Nintendo’s odd side, but Earthbound’s gameplay might be a bit too old school for newbies.

Goldeneye 007 (1997)

It took the dorms by storm in 1997, but 2016 isn’t quite as kind to 007’s 64-bit outing. A necessary relic for understanding multiplayer console shooters, but not exactly relevant when talking about the importance of Nintendo as a whole.

Bowser’s Inside Story (2009)

Too much Mario on this list, but Bowser’s Inside Story is Nintendo at its funniest. It’s portable, it’s weird, it’s a Mario game; it checks a lot of boxes. Unfortunately, it can’t quite hang with Super Mario World or Super Mario Galaxy 2.

Super Mario Maker (2015)

Putting this on someone’s plate to start off a five course meal of Nintendo games would be silly without any prior understanding of the Mario series. Still, this is one of Nintendo’s greatest achievements. Think of it as a lifetime platform for unlimited Mario levels and wipe the drool off your fucking chin, man.

Pokemon SoulSilver/HeartGold (2009)

Pokemon should get some sort of nod here, and the Gold and Silver remakes were always my favorite. The Pokemon games perfectly embody many of Nintendo’s philosophies, such as interaction with other players and customization, but there’s just not a spot for a Pokemon game here.

So that settles it. Find someone who has never played Nintendo, smack them in their mouth, and make them play these games.