Everybody loves a let down. Let's take a look at the very best ones!

Biggest Bummers

A Way Out

I wanted this game to win so badly. The gameplay reveal had me stoked, EA publishing a game in realm that barely exists anymore had me intrigued (b-tier, budget priced, same couch co-op), and EA was due for a win after their tumultuous 2017. After director Josef Fares cut a promo on the Oscars, I started rooting fort A Way Out even harder because fuck those stuffy assholes.

What I got was a stiff, poorly executed mess of a game that’s only redeeming quality is its potential for MST3K-style riffing. The voice work ranges from competent to embarrassing, the animations are comically wooden and often reminiscent of the green screen lips bit Conan used to do on Late Night, and the dialogue isn’t even fit for a fucking Segal flick. I guess you could say I enjoyed my time with it because I could squeeze joy out of anything – church, Russian Roulette, having sex with my own damn wife – if it offered same couch co-op with Arthur. Except for…

The Halo 2 co-op campaign on the Halo: Master Chief Collection

What is up with the wack as hell AI in this game? Between Elites doing donuts in Ghosts or grunts straight up not engaging you as you walk past them, I’m left wondering why I ever liked this game at all. That sounds extreme, but it really is that embarrassing at times.

Some of these levels are stretched so mercilessly thin. The pacing grinds to such a halt at times that I thought me and Arthur’s whole “let’s play all the Halos” project would derail after the pilot episode. I had half a mind to go back and work my way though the original release on the OG Xbox, but when posited with the forgone conclusion that it would either be a shitty game with the same problems as the remaster or a good game with the same shitty ending there’s always been for Halo 2, I voted firmly in favor of “fuck that noise.”

Mega Man 11

Mega Man 11 is perfectly competent and wholly uninspired. Clever, snappy level design has been replaced by grindy, bland action. Levels drag on forever. The music is totally unremarkable. It was time for a franchise facelift, for sure, but this new look feels just as flat as its 8-bit predecessors. It all just feels so slapdash. It feels like a first pass. It feels like Mega Man in theory, but not in practice. There are echoes of Mega Man 8 here and that is not a good thing.

SNK Tag Team Heroines Frenzy

I did not know that this was an anime boobie fighter when I bought it. I swear I just wanted to see Lady Terry Bogard rocking the “Fatal Cutie” hat. And that’s what we’re all gonna tell the cops, okay?

God of War

This was my first time with a God of War game. I always assumed those games to be a brooding, bloody, QTE-filled Frank Miller-ish hunk of machismo that was too agro to be taken seriously. When word spread that the 2018 reboot was a grave departure from my expectations of the franchise, I was excited to give it a shot. Unfortunately, I felt that it mostly met my original expectations, maybe with a touch more heart.

This is a PS2-ass PS4 game. All of those much maligned mechanics of that generation’s crop of third-person action games – lever pulling, box pushing, button mashing, quick time events – were shockingly still there to me. Combat robbed of its satisfaction by cheesy-ass QTE finishes. Ginormously stupid story beats. Layers upon layers of weapon/armor customization that don’t feel like they pay off in any meaningful way. This game has a fucking elevator brawl a la some old licensed arcade beat ‘em up out of 1992.

I think Sony is trying to take an Ubisoft-like approach to first party development in a certain way. They’re developing a core, almost checklist-y template for their games and building a different style around the same game each go-round. Horizon: Zero Dawn and God of War are by no means the same game, but I had the same sorts of problems with them. Worlds that felt big, but mostly lifeless. Combat that felt mostly fine, but rarely exciting. A bevy of vaguely RPG-ish equipment upgrade elements that sure are there but sure don’t feel impactful.

Ubisoft has been making their nut the last few years by teasing out their massive open world, questlog having, tower climbing third-person action prefabs with different styles. Cyber Style, Victorian Style, Military Style, and so on. These games vary in appeal to me, but they’re usually quality products that are mostly critic proof and very commercially viable. I think Sony wants to play that game but with somber looking, technically stunning third-person action games in Samurai Style, Zombie Style, and Kojima Style. That’s all well and good. Some of those games will appeal to me, others will not. But seeing how Sony’s video game sausage gets made kinda bums me out. Right now it feels like Sony needs a surprise and doesn’t have one handy. With Nintendo always down to get weird with their own games and Microsoft’s willingness to make some moves on the first party development front in tandem with both of those brands’ eagerness to build their indie relationships, Sony feels stale. But apparently I’m the only person on earth who thought this game was bad, so what the hell do I know.

[Ed. Note: I wrote this God of War take awhile back, soon after I beat the game and long before Spider-Man came out. Anyways, back to the show!]

Regrets

These are some games I wish I would've given more of a chance to but will have to wait until 2019.

Marvel’s Spider-Man

AGAIN WITH THIS SHIT. BEING RIGHT IS THE WORST.

Honestly, I can’t really tell you how similar this Sony published third person open world skill tree simulator is to the previous batch of them because I couldn’t stand it beyond the first two or so hours.

It was the writing that sunk this one for me. None of those jokes felt like jokes a good, fun Peter Parker as Spider-Man would make. They captured none of his neuroses or wit, none of his charm, and made him seem downright fucking dumb as a stump at times. Spider-Man: who gleefully taps into NYC’s security grid at the drop of a hat. Spider-Man: who signs up to be a fucking narc with a thumbs up to his cop friend. Spider-Man: who’s quickest mid-fight zinger is “it must be National [Noun] Day” when he gets hit with said noun during a brawl. I cannot condone this Spider-Product. I really, truly love Spider-Man and when they fuck it up I get bummed out. And you know what? Outside of the comics, they almost always fuck it up. Homecoming is the only good movie they made. Those Toby McGuire movies sucked ass and you know it. Someday, I might regret not giving Marvel’s Spider-Man more of a chance. Maybe. I always want to love Spider-Man, it’s just so rare that I actually do.

Yakuza 6/Yakuza Kiwami 2

Sega, when I promised to always buy whatever Yakuza shit bring over to the states after Yakuza 0 came out, I never promised to play them. These games are of a style and sense of humor that I admire so, so dearly, but the gameplay just never keeps me sticking around. I love the everliving shit out of that big dope Kiryu and hope to someday see more of his exploits as a single dad, but 2018 just wasn’t the year for it.

Return of the Obra Dinn

This game sounds like it might bore the hell out of me, but goddamn what a look.

Astro Bot: Rescue Mission

My fixation with VR comes and goes. By the time I got a hold of this game, I was kind of off cycle. Soon, though. Soon I will be the Robot Boy.