I never really fucked with fighting games much, so this year I tried to play all the fighting games I could get my hands on. Then I ranked them all.

Heels to Faces: A Ranking of (Some) Fighters

1.) Street Fighter Alpha 3 (1998)

This is my perfect Street Fighter. Every inch of the presentation in this game is so on point, from the way the “KO” swoops in on the kill to the all the big bulky neon flair that fashions the transitions. While Street Fighter III might be best looking entry (or at least most looking entry), Alpha 3 looks just as good and the fights just feel so much faster (and in this case better). The songs might not be as memorable as Street Fighter II, but the chip they use still sounds so crispy. If I had my druthers, this would be THE Street Fighter to build off of. It all feels so, so right.

Can you play as Akuma?: Indeed.

2.) Garou: Mark of the Wolves (1999)

Garou: Mark of the Wolves owns. The roster owns, the art owns, the moves owns, and it has a guy named fuckin’ BUTT in it. I don’t know shit about fighting games, but if there is one truth, it is that Garou just fucking owns.

Can you play as Akuma?: No. Rats!

3.) Dragon Ball FighterZ (2018)

I like fighting games. Fighting games are anime. Therefore… Oh, don’t make me say it. The prettiest game in whole wide world is also fun as hell to play. Even as a total bottom of the card jobber, smashing my controller with closed fist and pulling off some of these Kame Kame Yeahs makes me feel like Lou “Super Saiyan” Thesz.

Can you play as Akuma?: Negatore, partnerino.

4.) Marvel vs Capcom 3: A Tale of Some Stuff (2011)

Much like Dragon Ball FighterZ, this game makes me feel like I own even though I most certainly do not. But gimme Dante, Thor, and my main man Akuma and I will wreck some shit.

Can you play as Akuma?: Fuckin’ A right you can.

5.) Tekken 7 (2017)

I enjoyed this one, but I can’t quite wrap my head around the complexity of a 3-D fighter yet. Still, this game taught me a lot of shit in regards to fighting game controls, combos, grabs, juggles… you know. The good shit. There’s a guy with a jaguar head that’s a wrestler and you can make him wear a Bullet Club t-shirt and a championship title around his waist and he can dole out tornado DDTs. So overall, this game is a win. Also?

Can you play as Akuma?: You guessed it! You can play as Akuma in this one, too!

6.) Injustice 2 (2017)

This story mode, gang. Aka “the good Batman v Superman.” Nagging ass Wonder Woman all “you’re gonna let Bruce walk all over you like that YOU FUCKING CUCK!?” to Superman. Superman taking it out on his niece or whatever the fuck. I think Black Adam threw Aquaman into the hull of Brainiac’s ship. Freddy Krueger plays Scarecrow. Batman owns everybody. Gimme more. Also, WCW’s own Glacier is no longer in the basement for ice villain also-rans. Thanks, Captain Cold!

Can you play as Akuma?: Nope. Boogers!

7.) Street Fighter V: Arcade Edition (2018)

Try as I might, I still don’t know shit about fighting games. But I know I like Street Fighter V. There’s weightiness to the hits that I really appreciate. I love the look of it. It felt like the most accessible Street Fighter I’ve played. I got a good hang of a handful of characters (Juri, Laura, Zangief) and found one I am happy to call my main. GUESS WHO IT IS GUESS WHO IT IS!!

Can you play as Akuma?: YES YOU CAN COS’ IT’S THE COVER BOY FUCKIN AKUMAAAAAAA!

8.) Real Bout Fatal Fury Special (1997)

The moves in this game look so cool. That I love the way the stage stages go from day to night or vice versa. That Franco Bash sprite looks so goddamn good. I like this one just a touch more than Real Bout 2, but only slightly. These games feel good as hell.

Can you play as Akuma?: No dice.

9.) Mortal Kombat XL (2015)

The violence is absolutely delightful. I had a lot of fun with this game, but to me it just feels like a rougher draft of Injustice 2. It’s solid, and I’ll always have a soft spot for Kombat, but there are shaping up to be a lot of fighting games I really like!

Can you play as Akuma?: Nah. Sorry.

10.) Real Bout Fatal Fury 2 (1998)

I’ll give this one the edge in sound. Plus, Geese Howard is right there on screen from the jump. Otherwise, I like Special more.

Can you play as Akuma?: Absolutely not.

11.) Tekken Tag Tournament 2 (2011)

This roster is good and fun and the tag mechanics seem impactful and I seemed to take to it pretty quickly so that was good. Armor King, huh? Seems like a cool fella.

Can you play as Akuma?: No, but maybe Armor King catching some side eye here.

12.) Tekken 3 (1997)

So much faster and smoother than Tekken 2. Bonus points for making King’s street clothes alternate costume a Road Warriors riff.

Can you play as Akuma?: No, but after all the Tekken I’ve played this year, I can say with confidence that King is my #2 man. So that’s still a no to Akuma, but I’ll survive.

13.) Waku Waku 7 (1996)

I just want to hug this game. Or go to a pool party with it. It’s so nice and bright and relaxing after getting my fucking shit rocked by M. Bison for the twelfth time in a row. I don’t quite understand all its systems, but I like it all the same.

Can you play as Akuma?: You wish, pal.

14.) Street Fighter EX 3 (2000) I bet I would really enjoy playing these games with a fightstick because they look and sound so good. Using a Dualshock 2 just makes me want to cry.

Can you play as Akuma?: No. Believe me, I’m as shocked as you are.

15.) SoulCalibur VI (2018)

I want to love the SoulCalibur series so badly, but it just makes me want to play more Tekken for whatever reason. But I’ll keep trying.

Can you play as Akuma?: There is an expansive character creator mode in this game, so there is at least potential for Akuma. Admirable.

16.) Tekken 2 (1996)

My vague memories of playing this game as a young’n were much more pleasant than playing this in 2018. Tekken 3 seems to do everything better.

Can you play as Akuma?: That’s a big no.

17.) Fatal Fury Special (1993)

This just feels so much worse than the Real Bout games to me. Also, I don’t think the stages change with the time of day like they do in Real Bout Special. That’s bad.

Can you play as Akuma?: Nope nope nope.

18.) Tekken Tag Tournament (1999)

The lesser of the Tekken tag games.

Can you play as Akuma?: Not a chance.

19.) Tatsunoko vs. Capcom (2008)

This game looks sort of jagged in a way I like, but it feels kind of sluggish. The Street Fighter characters don’t translate very well and I am mostly unfamiliar with the rest of the roster. Some of them were fun, but this game didn’t offer much that I couldn’t get out of way better fighting games.

Can you play as Akuma?: You’d think “well, maybe the game is bad, but the Capcom gang is here, so at least I can play as Akuma.” Nope. Can’t play as Akuma. No wonder why this game didn’t work out.

20.) Street Fighter EX plus a (1997)

What an odd look and sound for a Street Fighter game. That alone earns it a shitload of merit. But playing this game on a Dualshock 3 is fucking torture.

Can you play as Akuma?: Affirmative.

21.) Soul Calibur II (2002)

I want to like the Soul Calibur games, but I just can’t truck with them. I like Street Fighter and Tekken a lot, Mortal Kombat is cool, and I don’t like Soul Calibur or Virtua Fighter. It took me 30 years to come to this conclusion, but it’s good to know now.

Can you play as Akuma?: No. But you can pick Link, Heihachi, or Todd MacFarlane’s Spawn, depending on which console you’re playing on.

22.) Tekken 5 (2005)

The PS2 era seems like an awkward time for fighting games. The cutscenes and character models hold up well enough, but the fighters just don’t look great when they’re banging together. There’s meatiness to the strong style combat of Tekken 7 that really gets my rocks off and Tekken 5 just wasn’t quite there yet. Also, this is a 2001 ass 2005 game, presentation-wise. I am not into it on any level.

Can you play as Akuma?: Not from what I’ve heard, no.

23.) Samurai Shodown 2 (1994)

This game is too hard and I don’t understand it and therefore it is almost the worst fighting game ever in the history of time that I have played.

Can you play as Akuma?: If you could, would it really be ranked this low?

24.) Virtua Fighter 4 (2001)

I don’t get Virtua Fighter. I don’t understand it. I just don’t have room for all these fighting game franchises in my life and I’m sorry.

Can you play as Akuma?: Fuck no.

25.) SNK Heroines Tag Team Frenzy (2018)

There is indeed a fighting game buried beneath this anime boobie dressup sim, but it at least it has the common decency to play like fucking trash so I never have to touch it again.

Can you play as Akuma?: I would for sure check out a Lady Akuma a la the Lady Terry Bogard they modeled for this game. That being said, no you cannot play as Akuma in this game.

A Ranking of (Street) Fighters: A 30^th Anniversary Collection Rundown

1.) Street Fighter Alpha 3 (1998)

This one is the best one. Probably the only fighting game I’ve played that can hold a candle to Garou: Mark of the Wolves.

2.) Super Street Fighter 2: Turbo (1994)

I’m glad I finally understand this game now that I have a greater context for fighting games. This game is good because applying even the basest of fighting game technical prowess to it still feels like a good time even if you kinda get owned. Akuma’s first appearance (via cheat code).

3.) Street Fighter 2: Champion Edition (1992)

Bare bones as hell as therefore far more enjoyable to a guy who has never played these games before. Kinda ugly compared to other entries but very good for early learners.

4.) Street Fighter Alpha 2 (1996)

Holy shit these character portraits are atrocious. A good game, but would probably never play it again if Alpha 3 is hanging around.

5.) Street Fighter 3: 3^rd Strike (1999)

Some of the prettiest 2D fighter art to grace my television screen. Goddamn is it slow, though. It is so impressive on a technical level but so agonizing to play. Such a shame.

6.) Street Fighter 2 (1991)

Fascinating, but won’t do much revisiting to it on account of the other two Street Fighter II’s on this list.

7.) Street Fighter 2: Hyper Fighting (1992)

I want to be a cool kid and be good at this game but that seems so far away right now, maybe even impossible. Fun as shit to watch, I bet, but too much for my young, nubile thumbs to take.

8.) Street Fighter Alpha (1995)

Nothing about this game felt good to me. Alpha 2/3 feel like absolutely massive jumps up.

9.) Super Street Fighter 2 (1993)

Considering I played this between Hyper Fighting and Turbo, this game has been rendered entirely forgettable to me.

10.) Street Fighter 3: 2^nd Impact (1997)

This game has Akuma in it.

11.) Street Fighter 3 (1997)

This game does not.

12.) Street Fighter (1987)

No thank you.