By Trainer_Red 1 Comments
First off, I want to apologize. I know this is a gaming site and I know that asking for life advice here probably isn't the best place to do so, but I really need some outside perspectives on my problems and I really have nowhere else to go. That last part is actually one of my problems. I have no real friends or family to talk to about these things and even if I did I don't think I would want to. It's not because I'm weird or have some sort of physical defection because I am not and I don't (at least I don't think so). I appear normal I guess. I just have problems communicating with other people. Even my family. I have been this way all my life and I kind of don't know why. If there is one thing you need to know about me, it's that I am basically a nomad. I haven't lived in a house for longer than 6 months since I was like 5. We (my family) move all the time and I guess that is one of the reasons I have problems growing close to people. People think I am shy, but truth be told I just have no idea how to interact with other people. When I do actually communicate with people, it's usually just me asking a bunch of questions about their lives which usually annoys them after a few minutes. I have learned that the best thing to do is to just fade in the background without drawing attention. I didn't do too great in school. I never did my homework and I never bothered to study for any tests. I was just ... unmotivated and did the bare minimum to get by. In high school I had my first girlfriend which didn't last very long. When she broke up with me, she told me that I had no depth and that I wasn't boyfriend material. She was very outgoing which made me extremely uncomfortable and I was actually hoping that she would do it sooner rather than later. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am pretty sure I can never be a boyfriend to anyone ever which kind of makes me feel bad. I have had people call me their "friend" and I guess I have had friends before, but in the end I am always moving so it's pretty difficult to consider people that I have no real connection with my "friends".
I dropped out of high school to work for my dad. My parents said that we needed the money and that school wasn't my expertise. I wouldn't have graduated in time anyways, but I have always wondered what my life would have been like if I decided to stay in school instead. Since I left school (about two, almost three years ago) I have been working non-stop to provide for my family. Due to my "problems" I haven't been able to keep a stable job for very long due to me being too stressed out. Most of what I have been doing is back breaking labor work, but I know I can do other things and I don't think I can continue to do this type of work anymore. I am great with computers and I have always been interested in how things are built. I also read a lot. Mostly history and philosophy type stuff.
Anyways, I want to go back to school because I now know just how hard life can be, I just don't know where to start. I wish it was simple enough to just stop working and go to school, but I am 100% sure that I will be kicked out by my parents house if I attempt to do so. I have no other place to go and i'm not really sure how I would do being homeless. I would probably be too prideful to ask for change or charity. I thought about joining the army, but I think I might be a little too sensitive for that type of work. I also think I might be depressed, but I have no idea how I would bring that up in a conversation with my parents or even my doctor. The only reason I feel comfortable enough to tell Giantbomb is because I will probably (hopefully after reading this) never run into any of you in real life. I can't save up any money either because my family struggles pay check to pay check and I don't think I could hold money while we struggled like that. It also doesn't help that we live in a goddamn desert in California. I care deeply for my family, but I feel like if I don't do something about my life soon, I will be stuck here forever in this barren desert. It breaks my heart to think about leaving them, but I can't do this anymore.
Another one of my problems is that I care too much about people. Ok, ok.. I know how that sounds. I am not trying to make you think that I am a "good" person or anything, it's just that it seriously is a really big problem in my life. I have gone without to give others what is mine. It's one thing to give to people when you have extra, but when you have almost nothing and still give, it gets straining. I give all of my money to my family and I don't feel bad or angry about it. I give all my stuff to my younger siblings and just last week I gave a man my shoes because he asked for them. I feel like I have to do these things or else I am a bad person. I know that it's not a good thing to be this way, I just can't stop being so damn passive. I need balance. I need a way to be able to say "no" and not feel so guilty about it afterwards. I just have no idea how. It's one thing to say that I will change and stick up for myself more, but when I am in these situations I just can't bring myself to change.
I feel like I am drowning. I feel like an alien. I feel like I have no chance in this world. I wish I could just restart my life and try again, but I can't. I am only 19 and the thought of going on like this for another 40+ years scares the hell out of me. I just don't know where to go from here. I appreciate that you took the time to read this even if you don't respond. It really means a lot to me. I guess in hindsight this was what I needed the most. To get this out in the open. Even if it were just to a bunch of strangers who share my interest in video games. I really mean it. Thank you.