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TwoLines

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Remember? Net Yaroze! 3/8

By TwoLines 5 Comments

Once again- Net Yaroze, a PS1 developement kit, and me, engage in a glorius combat, from which neither me nor the system walk away victorious. Why would I prolong this gruesome spectacle? I won't, here's the next game.
 
#23
"Psychon"

 Ugly      ass-game.
 Ugly      ass-game.
Well, the name of the game is pretty representative of this title. You walk around killing innocent people. The sounds are nice I guess, and it's definitaly better then some other Net Yaroze shit I went through in my previous reviews, but even so, this game is bland and uninteresting. 
 
You walk around civilian filled hallways of some underground area 51 complex, and shoot everything you meet. Not that anyone wants to do you any harm, so it's never explained why you mow down these poor bastards on your way to the exit. Well, okay, there's no exit. The objective is to kill as many people as possible in a certain time limit. Maybe someone along the way had a gun, cause I died at
Why did you have to sneeze, Mike? Why can't we have ONE nice family photo?!
Why did you have to sneeze, Mike? Why can't we have ONE nice family photo?!
the end? I don't kow, the game's so cluttered it's hard to see anything. Yeah, the graphics are pretty bad. It's all shown from the top-down perspective, so it's like Crimsonland (a great game worth checking out) in a tight, ugly looking maze, and on top of that, you kill some bland civilians instead of aliens. 
 
So to sum up: boring, bland and ugly, but sure as hell better than most of the Net Yaroze stinkers. Not that any of you will ever play these piles of.. Ehrm.. Onto our next title then, which is..
 
 #24
"Adventure Game" 
Hooo boy, adventure game indeed. How can I even describe this? It's.. Well.. It's trying to be good. But at the same time, it kinda laughs from itself, and it makes the game look really pathetic in the process.
 
Let's start by.. well.. pushing start. "Written in four weeks" Well that's not so bad (sarcasm), let's see the menu. Clever, you use the main protagonist to choose options in the menu, okay, let's start the game already. It looks like Final Fantasy VII world map, which ain't half bad, really. But then, you try to move around. And that's when the horror begins. The controls are awful. they're beyond anything I've ever experienced. 
 
 The camera at work.
 The camera at work.
The whole game seems to be a big ice world level, cause I don't see any other explenation for all this sliding that's taking place here! The music loops. It loops after twenty-thirdy seconds. And it's horrendous. It changes after I enter the city though. Too bad another, even worse tune hops into its place. Gah! The camera is the worst thing ever to grace the world of computer games. It's locked in one place, Resident Evil style, in an open 3d world. So it hops around every few steps, locking onto the next pre set position. Euuugh! The fighting is just mashing the X button, the enemies don't have an attack animation, so it doesn't even look good. Bleeh!
 
Then we arrive at the city, and that is where the first conversation takes place. The guard asks me: "What do you intend to do in this city?" And our main hero responds: "Not sure, I think I probably  have to talk to someone and they'll give me an item I can pass on to someone else who will give me another item, etc, etc." Heh, well at least it starts of with the breaking the fourth wall joke. Pretty clever. The conversation goes on, some jokes, not all of them funny, and then
 Hahaha, hahahaha, haha, ha, hahahaha, haha.. ha.. :(
 Hahaha, hahahaha, haha, ha, hahahaha, haha.. ha.. :(
another game related joke. And another. And another. The deeper into the game, the more self referencing jokes about the game. Some don't just brake the fourth wall, they smash it with a sledgehammer. "I'm low polygon" says one character. Haha.. yeah. That stopped being funny twenty minutes ago.
 
The author is showing us every bad thing about the game's plot and graphics. What am I to do then? Well, they never say anything about the gameplay, so I guess I'm left with that. It sucks! There. Put that in your game. One thing I liked was an old ferryman, that asked me if I had the permission to go through the river, I said I do, and he just said he believes me, and lets me through. When asked if he wants any proof, he just says it's my conscience, and if I lied, I'll have to live with it. A Monty Python situation almost. Heh, clever, but does it work if I don't ask the king for the permission prior to the conversation? No. No it doesn't. Ehh.
 
I see what's going on here. The game tries to become its own punchline, and to its disadvantage, it succeeds. It's funny for about a minute, and then it's just embarrassing.
 
#25
"Super Bub Contest"
It's a nice Bust-A-Move clone, and that's pretty much it.
 
#26
"Pandora's Box"
It's Sokoban, but from the First Person Perspective. The graphics look on par with those in Wolfenstein. Yup. You're better off playing "Pushy" from my last review, or just Sokoban, that- I'm sure- can be found and played, online.
 
#27
"Opera of Destruction"
 The graphics are hideous.
 The graphics are hideous.
It's a 3D shooter, where you're a pilot of a futuristic looking plane thing, and you're suppose to destroy the other players (or CPU's) town. So you fly around, destroy enemy ships, fly over to the enemy town, and destroy it. that's your mission. To defend, you can use your turrets, but that means switching your camera from your ship, so it's not always a good move. Now, this is a sound concept, and the game would be great, but the graphics are pretty bad. The draw distance is terrible. You can't see shit. Thank God the enemy town has this big violet light on one of its buildings, but when you destroy that building, you're screwed! The sound effects are good, there's no music, but fuck that. It's a good game. Especialy when you play with a buddy. Can't think of any other flaw.. oh yeah, it's not Time Slip.
 
 
#28
"Time Slip"
One of the greatest games ever. Don't be fooled by the primitive graphics, the lack of music, and the horrible, horrible sound effects. This game, is good. It's better then good, it's the best Net Yaroze game ever. It's fucking amazing. And I'm not pulling a Jim Sterling here, I really DO like this game.
 
Okay, time (hah!) to tell you what's this game all about. So you're a snail. You jump around, collect coins. Collect enough coins, and the exit open. Pretty easy, eh? Ha, the
 What, never saw a future version of yourself before?
 What, never saw a future version of yourself before?
twist is, every 30 seconds a past version of you respawns. It follows your moves, like a ghost from a racing game, and if you touch him, you die. Now, imagine, every 30 seconds the same thing happens. And there's no limit to this. It would be easy to just avoid them, and collect coins, but you have to use your past selves to open doors that close if you get off a platform that opens them. 
 
So your left with many snails walking around the level, opening things for your other past selves. Every move you make, you're thinking about your future self, where he'll be standing? Over here, over there? You're thinking about 'him' not 'you'. You are your own enemy. You'll see those past versions of you, and you'll curse them. It's mind bending. You're looking at a door, knowing it will be you, standing there in thirdy seconds.
 
 Jump over me, future me! I know you're there!
 Jump over me, future me! I know you're there!
Sometimes, you're standing around with four copies of yourself slowly walking around, afraid of stepping onto their future selves. You have to jump over yourself at times, and you know this, so you're walking around in the past (your present) for the future you to stand a chance, while avoiding your past self, who's walking around pushing buttons, cause he has to open a door for your past past self that's about to spawn. 
 
About the lenght- It has about 10 levels, and a password system, so you can start where you left off. But the puzzles are so mind bending, you're going to spend some time trying to find the coins and the exit.
 

Don't be fooled by the graphics, gameplay wise, it's Braid before Braid, its past version, if you will.
 
#29
"TanX"
Still have to check this out with my buddy. It's only multiplayer.
 
#30
"Decaying Orbit"
Ever played Lunar Lander? This game is very much like that. Only you're trying to manouver from planet to planet, from a top down perspective. There are some space
 The planets look pretty ugly, but they animate, so it's not so bad.
 The planets look pretty ugly, but they animate, so it's not so bad.
turrets shooting at you, and if you fly far enough through the edge of the screen, you will die. Those are the dangers of Decaying Orbit. You can upgrade your space ship, buy weapons to bust those turrets, new engine to fly faster, and so on. The ship behaves like it would in the vacuum, it's very easy to loose control, and fly through the edge of the screen. The map's are getting bigger, with more planets around (crushing into planets- also deadly) and more space turrets. It's pretty cool. The graphics are pretty nice, you know what? This game's alright.
 
#31
"Blockz"
A pretty cool title. It's like Zoe Mode's "Chime" only a little clunkier. Worth a try.
 
#32
"Video Poker Simulator"
Ehh.. Don't be fooled, it's not 'poker' poker. There are no other players, it's more like a slot machine in Vegas, with looping music, and terrible, terrible graphics. Well, if by graphics one can mean a pair of gloved hands animating poorly. Next game.
 
#33
"Yaroze Rally"
Oh yeah. This game is fun. The best thing about this game is that it.. it doesn't have a track. it's just a bunch of roads connected randomly. There are checkpoints, and yeah, they're named 'checkpoint 1' '2' and so on, but you don't know where's the next one, and there's no map. It's chaos. You know what else? There's no collision detection system!

No Caption Provided

"Some kind of a detection system?! In a racing game? Surely sir, you jest!" 
"Yes," I reply "it's the future of this genre, it's the main point actually. It has been done before you know."
"What?! What is this blasphemy you talk of heathen! To the torture chamber, you shall tell us all about this 'Coh-Li-Sion" thing!" 
 Oh yeah, you can see the cars through the track. Yep. 

No Caption Provided

  Aaaaand the trees are just for show. No collision detection there eiher. Stopped to show you this fine lookin' tree over here.

No Caption Provided
 
Yeah, I'm done for today.
5 Comments

5 Comments

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TwoLines

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Edited By TwoLines

Once again- Net Yaroze, a PS1 developement kit, and me, engage in a glorius combat, from which neither me nor the system walk away victorious. Why would I prolong this gruesome spectacle? I won't, here's the next game.
 
#23
"Psychon"

 Ugly      ass-game.
 Ugly      ass-game.
Well, the name of the game is pretty representative of this title. You walk around killing innocent people. The sounds are nice I guess, and it's definitaly better then some other Net Yaroze shit I went through in my previous reviews, but even so, this game is bland and uninteresting. 
 
You walk around civilian filled hallways of some underground area 51 complex, and shoot everything you meet. Not that anyone wants to do you any harm, so it's never explained why you mow down these poor bastards on your way to the exit. Well, okay, there's no exit. The objective is to kill as many people as possible in a certain time limit. Maybe someone along the way had a gun, cause I died at
Why did you have to sneeze, Mike? Why can't we have ONE nice family photo?!
Why did you have to sneeze, Mike? Why can't we have ONE nice family photo?!
the end? I don't kow, the game's so cluttered it's hard to see anything. Yeah, the graphics are pretty bad. It's all shown from the top-down perspective, so it's like Crimsonland (a great game worth checking out) in a tight, ugly looking maze, and on top of that, you kill some bland civilians instead of aliens. 
 
So to sum up: boring, bland and ugly, but sure as hell better than most of the Net Yaroze stinkers. Not that any of you will ever play these piles of.. Ehrm.. Onto our next title then, which is..
 
 #24
"Adventure Game" 
Hooo boy, adventure game indeed. How can I even describe this? It's.. Well.. It's trying to be good. But at the same time, it kinda laughs from itself, and it makes the game look really pathetic in the process.
 
Let's start by.. well.. pushing start. "Written in four weeks" Well that's not so bad (sarcasm), let's see the menu. Clever, you use the main protagonist to choose options in the menu, okay, let's start the game already. It looks like Final Fantasy VII world map, which ain't half bad, really. But then, you try to move around. And that's when the horror begins. The controls are awful. they're beyond anything I've ever experienced. 
 
 The camera at work.
 The camera at work.
The whole game seems to be a big ice world level, cause I don't see any other explenation for all this sliding that's taking place here! The music loops. It loops after twenty-thirdy seconds. And it's horrendous. It changes after I enter the city though. Too bad another, even worse tune hops into its place. Gah! The camera is the worst thing ever to grace the world of computer games. It's locked in one place, Resident Evil style, in an open 3d world. So it hops around every few steps, locking onto the next pre set position. Euuugh! The fighting is just mashing the X button, the enemies don't have an attack animation, so it doesn't even look good. Bleeh!
 
Then we arrive at the city, and that is where the first conversation takes place. The guard asks me: "What do you intend to do in this city?" And our main hero responds: "Not sure, I think I probably  have to talk to someone and they'll give me an item I can pass on to someone else who will give me another item, etc, etc." Heh, well at least it starts of with the breaking the fourth wall joke. Pretty clever. The conversation goes on, some jokes, not all of them funny, and then
 Hahaha, hahahaha, haha, ha, hahahaha, haha.. ha.. :(
 Hahaha, hahahaha, haha, ha, hahahaha, haha.. ha.. :(
another game related joke. And another. And another. The deeper into the game, the more self referencing jokes about the game. Some don't just brake the fourth wall, they smash it with a sledgehammer. "I'm low polygon" says one character. Haha.. yeah. That stopped being funny twenty minutes ago.
 
The author is showing us every bad thing about the game's plot and graphics. What am I to do then? Well, they never say anything about the gameplay, so I guess I'm left with that. It sucks! There. Put that in your game. One thing I liked was an old ferryman, that asked me if I had the permission to go through the river, I said I do, and he just said he believes me, and lets me through. When asked if he wants any proof, he just says it's my conscience, and if I lied, I'll have to live with it. A Monty Python situation almost. Heh, clever, but does it work if I don't ask the king for the permission prior to the conversation? No. No it doesn't. Ehh.
 
I see what's going on here. The game tries to become its own punchline, and to its disadvantage, it succeeds. It's funny for about a minute, and then it's just embarrassing.
 
#25
"Super Bub Contest"
It's a nice Bust-A-Move clone, and that's pretty much it.
 
#26
"Pandora's Box"
It's Sokoban, but from the First Person Perspective. The graphics look on par with those in Wolfenstein. Yup. You're better off playing "Pushy" from my last review, or just Sokoban, that- I'm sure- can be found and played, online.
 
#27
"Opera of Destruction"
 The graphics are hideous.
 The graphics are hideous.
It's a 3D shooter, where you're a pilot of a futuristic looking plane thing, and you're suppose to destroy the other players (or CPU's) town. So you fly around, destroy enemy ships, fly over to the enemy town, and destroy it. that's your mission. To defend, you can use your turrets, but that means switching your camera from your ship, so it's not always a good move. Now, this is a sound concept, and the game would be great, but the graphics are pretty bad. The draw distance is terrible. You can't see shit. Thank God the enemy town has this big violet light on one of its buildings, but when you destroy that building, you're screwed! The sound effects are good, there's no music, but fuck that. It's a good game. Especialy when you play with a buddy. Can't think of any other flaw.. oh yeah, it's not Time Slip.
 
 
#28
"Time Slip"
One of the greatest games ever. Don't be fooled by the primitive graphics, the lack of music, and the horrible, horrible sound effects. This game, is good. It's better then good, it's the best Net Yaroze game ever. It's fucking amazing. And I'm not pulling a Jim Sterling here, I really DO like this game.
 
Okay, time (hah!) to tell you what's this game all about. So you're a snail. You jump around, collect coins. Collect enough coins, and the exit open. Pretty easy, eh? Ha, the
 What, never saw a future version of yourself before?
 What, never saw a future version of yourself before?
twist is, every 30 seconds a past version of you respawns. It follows your moves, like a ghost from a racing game, and if you touch him, you die. Now, imagine, every 30 seconds the same thing happens. And there's no limit to this. It would be easy to just avoid them, and collect coins, but you have to use your past selves to open doors that close if you get off a platform that opens them. 
 
So your left with many snails walking around the level, opening things for your other past selves. Every move you make, you're thinking about your future self, where he'll be standing? Over here, over there? You're thinking about 'him' not 'you'. You are your own enemy. You'll see those past versions of you, and you'll curse them. It's mind bending. You're looking at a door, knowing it will be you, standing there in thirdy seconds.
 
 Jump over me, future me! I know you're there!
 Jump over me, future me! I know you're there!
Sometimes, you're standing around with four copies of yourself slowly walking around, afraid of stepping onto their future selves. You have to jump over yourself at times, and you know this, so you're walking around in the past (your present) for the future you to stand a chance, while avoiding your past self, who's walking around pushing buttons, cause he has to open a door for your past past self that's about to spawn. 
 
About the lenght- It has about 10 levels, and a password system, so you can start where you left off. But the puzzles are so mind bending, you're going to spend some time trying to find the coins and the exit.
 

Don't be fooled by the graphics, gameplay wise, it's Braid before Braid, its past version, if you will.
 
#29
"TanX"
Still have to check this out with my buddy. It's only multiplayer.
 
#30
"Decaying Orbit"
Ever played Lunar Lander? This game is very much like that. Only you're trying to manouver from planet to planet, from a top down perspective. There are some space
 The planets look pretty ugly, but they animate, so it's not so bad.
 The planets look pretty ugly, but they animate, so it's not so bad.
turrets shooting at you, and if you fly far enough through the edge of the screen, you will die. Those are the dangers of Decaying Orbit. You can upgrade your space ship, buy weapons to bust those turrets, new engine to fly faster, and so on. The ship behaves like it would in the vacuum, it's very easy to loose control, and fly through the edge of the screen. The map's are getting bigger, with more planets around (crushing into planets- also deadly) and more space turrets. It's pretty cool. The graphics are pretty nice, you know what? This game's alright.
 
#31
"Blockz"
A pretty cool title. It's like Zoe Mode's "Chime" only a little clunkier. Worth a try.
 
#32
"Video Poker Simulator"
Ehh.. Don't be fooled, it's not 'poker' poker. There are no other players, it's more like a slot machine in Vegas, with looping music, and terrible, terrible graphics. Well, if by graphics one can mean a pair of gloved hands animating poorly. Next game.
 
#33
"Yaroze Rally"
Oh yeah. This game is fun. The best thing about this game is that it.. it doesn't have a track. it's just a bunch of roads connected randomly. There are checkpoints, and yeah, they're named 'checkpoint 1' '2' and so on, but you don't know where's the next one, and there's no map. It's chaos. You know what else? There's no collision detection system!

No Caption Provided

"Some kind of a detection system?! In a racing game? Surely sir, you jest!" 
"Yes," I reply "it's the future of this genre, it's the main point actually. It has been done before you know."
"What?! What is this blasphemy you talk of heathen! To the torture chamber, you shall tell us all about this 'Coh-Li-Sion" thing!" 
 Oh yeah, you can see the cars through the track. Yep. 

No Caption Provided

  Aaaaand the trees are just for show. No collision detection there eiher. Stopped to show you this fine lookin' tree over here.

No Caption Provided
 
Yeah, I'm done for today.
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beargirl1

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Edited By beargirl1

haha i have no idea but this is but i enjoyed the read. 

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Scooper

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Lmao this is a really funny blog.

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TwoLines

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Edited By TwoLines

Something weird's up with the adventure game review, ah well.

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buzz_clik

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Psychon's a great Alien Breed clone, but it's once you get into the swing of things it's too easy and pretty short. Worth checking out though, for sure.
 
Adventure Game is pretty naff. I don't remember playing more than a few games of it. No doubt I just reset and started playing more Blitter Boy! ;)
 
I agree with you that Time Slip is an awesome game. Man, does it screw with your brain, though! Trying to track of what's going on can really tax your memory and your reflexes, but if things screw up you've really only got yourself to blame! It's a clever concept that's executed really well. I think you've convinced me to fire it up when I get home tonight.
 
My girlfriend and I used to play loads of Super Bub Contest together. It's kind of like Bust-A-Move meets Super Puzzle Fighter II, but with animals and ghosts and squelchy acid disco trance music that can drive you bonkers after a while.