Wii Sports Resort

 “If you’re nine, easily entertained, are looking for nothing more then quick thrills that you’ll regret paying for the next day and want it all cheap, then I suggest paying for sexual favors.”

                                        In a sentence (or two):

 
Wii Sports Resort is an entirely unnecessary sequel -- or rather, clone -- to the original, offering little more then variations on the theme. An obvious cash grab, aimed directly at the wallets of families suffering through the financial crisis with insufferable children yelping in their ears. As is standard Nintendo fare. Not bad for a tech demo, I guess.

• Story: N/A
• Presentation: 2/5
• Sound: 2/5
• Value: 3/5

 

                                                   In-Depth

Ah yes, Nintendo do love their devoted fan-base -- what remains of it -- and one can only assume the myriad of recycled franchises that received clones, thinly disguised as sequels that they pumped out at an almost clockwork pace, was for such fans -- see any Zelda, Mario or Metroid game. What intrigues me is Nintendo’s recognition, and subsequent ignoring of this fact in recent times; the Wii is little more then a mini-game machine that prints dollar bills for every over indulged, screaming ingrate that is squeezed out of the unwashed womb of the ‘mainstream’ market -- responsible for such atrocities as ‘pop music’ and the continued rise of the marketers wet dream -- and they treat the average person even more like a magpie with a wallet then they do their hardcore fans -- thought to have died out with the Gamecube and the onset of internet based multiplayer. Perhaps someone should remind them how fickle the mainstream market is, and how much of a fad casual games are. Sure, PopCap Games are enjoying the recession now, but when all those undersexed, house-bound mothers have the money to resume shelling their children off to daycare and ignoring their husbands to death while they go out and drown themselves in debt, it is Sony and Microsoft who will be wiping away their tears of joy with Halo 10 and Gears of War 8 -- irony

So, Wii Sports Resort, and here I was thinking Nintendo would do nothing but shameless remakes to- Oh wait. If you’ve played Wii Sports, you’ve played this, give or take a few translucent rehashing of past ‘games’;

• Air Sports -- I know I pilot light aircraft every time I hit the local resort.
  
• Archery
  
• Basketball
• Bowling -- again
• Canoeing -- as frustraiting as it is in real life, with none of the pros, like friends and having a life.
  
• Cycling -- just how this is performed with the Wiimote in hand is quire entertaining to watch, if nothing else.
• Frisbee
• Golf
• Power Cruising -- fantastically over-hyped name, boring game.
• Swordplay -- not the kind you do with your pants around your ankles in the dark with a mate. (Unfortunately)
• Table Tennis -- see Tennis, add table.
• Wakeboarding -- see Power Cruising, but subtract what litte fun remains.
  

 
I'd do an in-depth run down of the precise gaming mechanics of each of the activities if they weren't all obvious enough from the bloody title. If you can't work it out, I doubt you can read this or even maintain the necessary concentration to finish a sentence. So go away. Yes, you. Some of these are fun -- Air Sports, Frisbee, Swordplay -- but it's all been done before, better and more fleshed out. This is a mini-game collection, through and through. Nothing more, a lot less.
 
One can't help but wonder why one couldn't simply venture outside and brave the blazing, harsh sunlight to engage in most of these activities themselves. But hey, who needs health, natural light and friends anyway, right? You've got a Wii, and this is all you can do to stave off suicide between beating your siblings to death and waiting for Super Mario Galaxy 2. Okay that was a bit harsh, but my point stands; why not just go outside and throw a ball around? Games are about escapism, doing things not normally possible -- or legal -- in day-to-day life. If we don't even step outside to play catch with our children or friends anymore, something has gone seriously wrong.
 
Multiplayer is of course the big draw here and most, if not all of the games are better with a mate at your side -- as they are in real life, but I'll stop harping on about that, there's plenty of other nits to pick; see above. I beg you not to drag a friend into playing this with you though, no one deserves this sort of rigmarole. Send them an angry, jealousy infused letter, detailing all the fun you're having instead, so they can read it in between playing better games and walking amongst the living.

If you’re nine, easily entertained, are looking for nothing more then quick thrills that you’ll regret buying the next day and want it all cheap, then I suggest paying for sexual favors. If you really want to get rid of your money and you’re not afraid to revisit an old thing again and again at the cost of your self-esteem, wallet and eternal soul, then I recommend paying for sexual f- Oh alright, if you’re that desperate, I guess you could pick it up, take it home, hammer out a few hours of fun then pawn it off to a friend for gas money -- not unlike that hired help I mentioned earlier. 
 
A dismally unimaginative offering from an increasingly money hungry Nintendo, to add to the stark, desolate and artistically dead gaming scene. I hope you're happy Nintendo. I'll see you in Hell.