ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER IS JUST AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE THAT HE'S ON HERE LISTING HIS FAVORITE GAMES OF 2015 AND HE HOPES WITH ALL SINCERITY THAT YOU TAKE TO THE COMMENTS AND CORRECT THE GIANT BOMB STAFF FOR HAVING ALLOWED THIS SHIT TO HAPPEN.
SAME GREAT CHEMICAL WARFARE GAMEPLAY AS THE PREVIOUS INSTALLMENTS ONLY THIS TIME INSTEAD OF ONLY HAVING ONE ENEMY FACTION TO GAS TO DEATH YOU CAN ASPHYXIATE EVERYONE FROM SPACE MARINES TO EVIL WIZARD BARBARIANS TO THE ASSASSIN ORDER TO G.I. MOTHERFUCKING JOE. SHIT THERE'S EVEN AN ARMY OF UNICORNS AND TEDDYBEARS AND PRINCESSES WITH CANDY CANES AND BUBBLE GUNS AND SHIT. AND YOU GET TO TURN THEIR HAPPY LITTLE WORLD INTO A CANDYLAND OF MUSTARD GAS MOTHERFUCKING MASSACRE. OR YOU CAN JUST BLOW THEM ALL TO HELL WITH ARTILLERY OR MOW THEM DOWN WITH MACHINE GUNS OR WHATEVER YOU LIKE. IT'S ALL UP TO YOU. BUT WHEN I HIT THE BATTLEFIELD? EVERYBODY CHOKES AND DIES.
YUP. BATMAN'S STILL BEATING AND TORTURING HIS ENEMIES. ONLY THIS TIME HE'S FLATOUT FUCKING INSANE. SO FUCKING INSANE IN FACT THAT HES HOOKED UP SOME SORT OF ELECTROCUTION DEVICE TO HIS CAR SO THAT WHEN HE RUNS FUCKERS DOWN LIKE DEATH RACE 2000 THEY NOT ONLY SUFFER MASSIVE INTERNAL INJURIES THEY GET FRIED LIKE FUCKING FUNNEL CAKES TOO. I SWEAR TO CHRIST THE ONLY REASON HE DOESN'T KILL IS SO HIS VICTIM'S SUFFERING CAN NEVER END. BRUCE? YOU'RE A SADISTIC MOTHERFUCKER.
REVEL IN THE CARNAGE WITH WORLD FAMOUS MASS MURDERER LARA CROFT AS SHE INVADES SOVEREIGN NATIONS TO PLUNDER THEIR RICHES SLAUGHTER THEIR WILDLIFE AND SEND 2000 YEAR OLD TEMPLES CRUMBLING INTO THE FUCKING GROUND. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE FEMINIST VIDEOGAMES WHERE A HOT CHICK KICKS A LOT OF ASS AND LOOKS DAMN GOOD DOING IT. JUST LIKE SUSAN B ANTHONY AND MARGARET SANGER AND RUSS MEYER INTENDED.
7. HER STORY
KENDA SIMULATOR 2015? WELL FUCK YEAH SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.
AS ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME WILL TELL YOU I CAN AND WILL RHAPSODIZE ABOUT MY LOVE OF MORTAL KOMBAT FOR HOURS ON END. BUT INSTEAD OF CUTTING INTO MY DRINKING TIME I'LL JUST SUM IT UP AS FOLLOWS: THIS GAME ALLOWS ME TO SLICE YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF.
5. DARK SOULS II: SCHOLAR OF THE FIRST SIN
THEY CAN THROW ON SOME HIGHFALUTINASS SUBTITLE IF IT MAKES THEM FEEL BETTER BUT IT DON'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT IT'S JUST A CURSORY GOTYE OF DARK SOULS II. BUT FUCK IT: I JUST COULDN'T PASS UP THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET OWNED BY THAT BASTARD-ASS FUCKING FUME KNIGHT ANOTHER SIX DOZEN TIMES (CUE A THOUSAND YOUTUBE HOW-TO WATCHING WIKI CONSULTING INTERNET DIPSHITS: "FUME KNIGHT'S EASY BRO." YOUR SISTER'S EASY. FUCK OFF.)
THIS CAME OUT IN 2013 BUT IT WAS A FUCKING DISASTER THEN. NOW? NOW ITS THE GREATEST FUCKING FPS IN EXISTENCE AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY: BECAUSE THIS IS A GAME THAT VALUES THE TEAM ABOVE ALL. (TEAM!) AND AFTER THIS YEAR'S UPDATES WITH THE REVAMPED SCORING AND ALL THE FREE MAPS AND SHIT EVEN A SKY-SHOOTING LEAD-CATCHING PART-TIMER LIKE MYSELF CAN WALK AWAY THE MVP BY BEING A TEAM-PLAYER AND PLAYING THE OBJECTIVE INSTEAD OF RUNNING FOR THE HILLS AND CAMPING LIKE A CHICKENDICK. AND LET ME TELL YOU: THERE'S NOTHING QUITE AS SATISFYING AS OWNING SOME LEVEL 140 LIFER ON THE SCOREBOARD EVEN THOUGH HE KNOCKED YOUR DICK IN THE DIRT TEN FUCKING TIMES. THAT'S RIGHT MISTER 34-10 STAR OF THE LOSING SQUAD WHO SPENT THE WHOLE FUCKING GAME NURSING YOUR K/D: YOU GOT 8.5 TIMES AS MANY KILLS AS ME AND YOU STILL GOT OWNED.
3. METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN
JEFF GERSTMANN ONCE PERFECTLY SUMMED UP MY OWN FEELINGS ON THE METAL GEAR SERIES WHEN HE DESCRIBED IT AS A BUNCH OF ANIME BULLSHIT. AND THATS WHAT IT IS. ALL A BUNCH OF WEIRD JAPANESE NONSENSE WITH FLAMING UNICORNS AND GOOFY-ASS DUDES WALKING AROUND ON FIRE FOR SOME REASON AND THIS GUY'S A CLONE OF THAT GUY AND THAT GUY'S OLD NOW AND HEY HERE'S A CERVIXBOMB AND BY THE WAY YOU'RE NOT THAT AWESOME SPECIAL OPS BADASS ANYMORE YOU'RE SOME NAKED MOTT THE HOOPLE LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER NOW. NOT TO MENTION THE STUPIDASS RIPOFFS OF AWESOME AMERICAN SHIT ("IRIQUOIS PLISSKEN" WHAT THE FUCK. FUCK OFF KOJIMA). IN FACT I DONT KNOW HOW THE FUCK ANYBODY TAKES IT SERIOUSLY IN JAPAN LET ALONE AMERICA.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT METAL GEAR SOLID FIVE IS THAT AFTER AN HOUR OF DRAGGING YOURSELF THROUGH A HOSPITAL YOU DON'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND OR GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY OF THAT FUCKING GARBAGE. YOU CAN BLOW OFF THE STORY AND JUST DELIGHT IN THE WORLDCLASS GAMEPLAY ALL INVADING ENEMY CAMPS AT YOUR LEISURE AND CALLING IN CHOPPERS BLASTING "REBEL YELL" AND BUILD YOUR OWN MERCENARY NATION AND GET FAT FUCKING PAID. SURE EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE YOU'LL GET A MISSION WHERE YOU HAVE TO DO SOME DUMB SHIT LIKE FIGHT OFF SOME TOWERING PARASITE SOLDIERS OR WHATEVER THE DAMNED THINGS ARE OR MAYBE YOU'LL HAVE TO DESTROY SOME HALF-ASSED METAL GEAR MACHINE OR WRANGLE SOME SNEERING 13-YEAR-OLD DOUCHEBAG THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT INSTEAD OF MURDER. AND OF COURSE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO YOU'LL ALWAYS WONDER WHY THIS FUCKING IMBECILE KAZ WONT JUST GET SOME PROSTHETIC LIMBS OR WHY THIS FUCKING DANDY OCELOT IS WALKING AROUND WITH A BANDOLIER OF SHOTGUN SHELLS WHEN HE ONLY USES SIXSHOOTERS.
2. FALLOUT 4
WAR WAR NUCLEAR WAR FUCK YES YES THEY ACTUALLY SHOW THE BOMB HIT FUCK YEAH NUCLEAR MOTHERFUCKING WAR MY HOMETOWN BURNS NATIONS FALL BILLIONS DIE AND THEN AFTER THE DUST SETTLES AND THE SMOKE CLEARS AND CHINA AND AMERICA HAVE ABSOLUTELY ANNIHILATED EACH OTHER WHAT'S LEFT? ME. AND I COME BACK AND RULE WHATS LEFT AS LORD ZODIAC THE WANDERING GODKING WITH MY OWN PERSONALITY CULT AND A BUNCH OF FASCIST MILITARISTIC ASSHOLES READY TO DESTROY ANYONE WHO DEFIES ME. HOLY SHIT AS WISH FULFILLMENT FANTASIES GO IT TRULY GETS NO BETTER THAN THAT FOR OL' ZODIAC. OF COURSE IT WAS PRETTY FUN BUILDING FARMS FOR A HUNDRED FUCKING HOURS TOO.
GERALT OF RIVIA: GREATEST PROTAGONIST IN ALL OF VIDEO GAMES. AND THE STORY: NO BULLSHIT. YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THE STORY IN THIS GAME IS? I ACTUALLY READ A WITCHER BOOK AFTER PLAYING THIS. LIKE A BOOK. A NOVEL. UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE. THIS IS MY FAVORITE GAME OF THE YEAR AND I DONT GIVE A FUCK TO EXPLAIN WHY. I SURE AS HELL AIN'T ABOUT TO GO TO BAT FOR THE GAMEPLAY AND IT DON'T QUITE GET IT DONE IN THE POWER FANTASY DEPARTMENT SINCE AS WORLD CONQUERING HEROES GO ASIDE FROM BANGING EVERY CHICK IN THE NORTHERN KINGDOMS GERALT'S MORE OF A BROKEFUCK WORKING CLASS SCHLUB THAN A WORLDBEATING KINGDICK ARAGORN TYPE. IN FACT COME TO THINK OF IT GERALT PRETTY MUCH FUCKS IT UP WITH ALL THOSE CHICAS TOO. BUT FUCK IT. IT'S MY FAVORITE. AND I'M DRUNK AND I GOTTA GO TAKE A PISS SO I'M DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT.
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS
WWE 2K16: NUMBER ONE NO SASHA BANKS. NUMBER TWO THE ENGINE WHEEZES LIKE A GODDAMN CONSUMPTION PATIENT. AND NUMBER THREE RENEE YOUNG SHOULD FILE A FUCKING LAWSUIT OVER HER MODEL IN THE GAME. JESUS CHRIST SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF PETER GABRIEL'S "STEAM" VIDEO.
ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER: HOW MANY MORE UNTIL DAWNS AND BLOODBORNES HAVE TO HIT THE STREETS BEFORE THIS FUCKING IDIOT BUYS A PS4.
MAD MAX: IT AIN'T A BAD GAME BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S HARD TO FEEL LIKE MAD MAX RACING ACROSS THE WASTELAND WHEN YOU'VE GOT A FUCKING BURN VICTIM CLINGING TO THE ROOF OF YOUR RIDE. IT'D BE LIKE A GAME WHERE YOU'RE INDIANA JONES BUT YOU GOTTA PLAY WITH ONE OF THOSE RICHBITCH TEACUP MUTTS YAPPING IN YOUR SATCHEL THE ENTIRE TIME.
STAR WARS BATTLEFRONT: THIRD-PERSON VIEW IN A FIRST-PERSON SHOOTER? HORSESHIT. HORSESHIT.
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