Part 65: Is This The Real Life? Is This Just Final Fantasy?

So here we are once again “back to the grind” as some would so eloquently put it. Previously we witnessed Cloud reminiscing massacres from days gone by, as well as Barret and Red XIII experiencing their “character moments.” As such, it goes without saying that a lot has happened in the scant twenty hours that I have played Final Fantasy VII. Now admittedly Final Fantasy VII’s descent into madness has not been as abrupt or sudden as Final Fantasy VIII’s, and this is to the credit of the writing. When the characters are allowed to shine they shine brightly in an utter wasteland of untapped potential. However, even the most ardent of Final Fantasy VII enthusiasts must concede that the game does indeed start to drown itself in its own science fiction lunacy. In fact, for those of you that have been following me since I started this journey you will clearly notice that my enthusiasm and praise for this game is slowly but surely becoming increasingly muted.

The juxtapositions between deadpan seriousness to comical brevity continue to plague this game much like how a tick brings the Bubonic Plague to an entire village. Then there are the minigames...GOOD LORD THE MINIGAMES! The minigames are like an outbreak of cholera induced by a drunken idiot vomiting into a town’s well of drinking water. However, I dredge all of this up on account of the next set-piece exemplifying an increasing issue that I am having with Final Fantasy VII. The party’s first “real” visit to Nibelheim is weird...it’s just weird. I’m not saying that it is bad, instead I found it to be a bewildering scene devoid of any revelatory story moments of note. Story moments that would have added some much needed clarity to the game’s current direction. I don’t understand what I was meant to get out of confronting Sephiroth at the Shinra Mansion. He just bellowed at Cloud for a moment, and then flew away like the evil Superman that he is. Am I meant to feel amazed by Sephiroths unfathomable strength? Was I meant to feel a better understanding of why Cloud is on this journey? Why is any of this happening?

However I digress, Cloud and company first enter Nibelheim to discover that it is NOT a smoldering pile of rubble as Cloud suggested from his original recollection of the supposed “Nibelheim Incident.” Instead, they witness the township intact, and not only that, but the citizens of Nibelheim have no idea who Cloud is. Fantastic, Cloud has finally been provided with visual and living proof that he is either being manipulated, his memories are a fabrication by an ulterior force, or possibly a combination of both. That must mean that Cloud is forced to confront these possibilities and discover his true identity, right? I mean at this point there’s absolutely no reason for him to ignore the growing mountain of evidence that things are not what they seem. I mean for fuck’s sake, the only real event from his life that he can recall “perfectly,” is right now being dismissed as a figment of his imagination. Something has to come from this, right?

Instead of kickstarting Cloud’s characterization the game decides that it wants you to instead pick up a myriad of items from the black robed mutants that litter Nibelheim. I obliged the game, but as much as a disgruntled toddler would. Right then, this is “problematic” for a whole mess of reasons. First and foremost, do the people of Nibelheim know that their city has been effectively invaded by an army of failed super soldiers? I was luckily able to deduce that the robed people were the deformed SOLDIERS that had Mako energy injected into their bodies in the egg shaped test tubes from earlier. That aside, why in the world would anyone in Nibelheim NOT find it the least bit suspicious that their city is littered with deformed science projects gone wrong? Why does no one even notice this, and comment about it? You can’t hint at a mystery, and then ask me to forget about it in the same scene!

Oh and Sephiroth apparently populates the Shinra Mansion! That uh...does not make any sense whatsoever! Up to this point the game has constantly taken the time to establish that Shinra is at wits end trying to locate Sephiroth. Now lo’ and behold, here he is being depicted as essentially having his own base of operations! I guess that means that Shinra is straight up incompetent at their job. Not only that, but they cannot be fucked to check up on the location of where Sephiroth experienced his fall from grace in the first place! HEY ASSHOLES! How does no one notice that there are an army of robed mutants trying to complete Sephiroth’s bidding? Not only that, but why the fuck has no one at Shinra bothered to trace where these mutants are coming from? I’m an incompetent buffoon, and even I was able to figure this out!

Part 66: Pacing and the Problem with Stop and Go Storytelling

Now I understand that I sometimes ramble on about the thematics of established storytelling tropes and idioms when it honestly gets me nowhere. However I am, if anything, a man that values consistency like a hot commodity. With that considered, I must profess that I am beginning to find Final Fantasy VII’s tendency for “stop and go” storytelling to be incredibly tiresome. Here we witness more gaps in Cloud’s origin story being filled in, but are forced to stomach through hours upon hours of sidequests before being able to uncover the next bits. I mean SHIT, we aren’t going to learn more about Cloud’s backstory for a solid three to four hours from this point!

Now I understand why this is being done. The writers very much wanted to build up this sense of mystery with Cloud. The concept that he needs to discover his identity is for all intents and purposes one of the primary themes of Final Fantasy VII. Simultaneously, I must also concede that Final Fantasy VII’s slower build up is a vast improvement from Final Fantasy VIII’s tendency to throw everything at the wall and hoping that something sticks. Speaking of Final Fantasy VIII...I’m scared guys, I’m getting scared. I can see it happening...all of the mistakes that I decried in Final Fantasy VIII eventually happening in Final Fantasy VII. At this point I know what they’re going to do...they’re going to hit me across the head with exposition dump after exposition dump, and it’s all going to be terrible. Rather than conveying the origin of Cloud gradually Square is just going to open the floodgates and feed me this deluge of science fiction bullshit. And worse yet it’s going to be the same sort of revelatory plot twist that you would expect out of a B-tier anime from the late nineties. WELL FUCK THAT, AND FUCK LIFE!

I can understand the desire on the part of the writers to create a narrative with a “slow burn,” but some tactical mistakes were made in their attempt to create that type of narrative scaffold. If you want to have a story that features a “slow burn” narrative, then a lot more care needed to have been put into the literal pacing of Final Fantasy VII. First and foremost, the game needs to have a consistency to its narrative which I think at this point we can all agree Final Fantasy VII does not have. As I have repeatedly harped about; the narrative in this game moves from hot to cold elements at the drop of a hat. Another critical element to “slow burn” storytelling requires that the writer provide the audience with constant hooks to the ulterior plot at a variable rewards schedule. All things considered, Final Fantasy VII does provide hooks for its audience. However, the schedule for those hooks is absolutely bonkers! As I mentioned before, we are going to have to wait a solid four hours before we discover more about Cloud’s past. When’s the next time a secondary character receives another “moment?” Well in that case we are going to have to wait another two hours for that. In the meantime how about we all enjoy some Chocobo Racing! I know that’s a hyperbolic statement, but it’s true in the grand scheme of things.

Part 67: I Can’t Stop Laughing and It Is the Game’s Fault!

Well tally-ho good chaps, once you are done dicking around in Nibelheim proper you end up ferreting Cloud over to the Shinra Mansion. Now I say that as if it was a clearly defined mission objective, but it really wasn’t. In fact, the path to Mt. Nibel isn’t blocked or obscured which would then force the player to investigate the mansion. Instead, the player is expected to explore the Shinra Mansion because it is there. But BEWARE, even though it’s certainly critical to the story to explore the mansion, doing so is an absolute NIGHTMARE! OH MY GOD IT IS SO BAD! Every monster that you fight in the Shinra Mansion is complete and total bullshit.

The first off these bullshit encounters involves you offing floating mirrors which unsurprisingly have the ability to reflect any and all magic directed towards them. The bullshit level there can be easily avoided, but rest assured that there’s more to come! These odious mirrors are complimented with a bunch of flying jack-o-lanterns that repeatedly cast “confuse” and “silence” on your party! Okay...that’s certainly worse than the flying mirrors, but at least the flying jack-o-lanterns don’t inflict a large amount of physical damage. Then there’s the buff ass guys that hang out on a swinging pendulum…those assholes are NO JOKE!

Do you want to know what I really hated about fighting those assholes? They fucking take forever to kill. If you are able to knock these assholes from their pendulums they take a solid, and I mean SOLID, thirty to forty seconds just to get back on their pendulums. Repeating this tradition of wasting my time on pointless frames of enemy animation, we also have Ying and Yang. Fucking what the fuck was that even supposed to be? At this point all I can say is that whoever made this level knew exactly what they were doing, and should be hurt for it. BUT HEY WHO AM I TO JUDGE! Let’s get back to judging this environment “objectively!”

Well okay then...you go down to the basement of the Shinra Mansion and discover Sephiroth in the library. Sephiroth then begins bellowing about an upcoming “Reunion,” that never actually happens. After Sephiroth is done talking to Cloud he proceeds to throw a Materia at him, and then just flies away like Superman.

Can someone explain to me what the significance or purpose of this scene is? I honestly...I have no idea what any of this means. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know? I don’t know! Is there some obscure part of Japanese culture that is being referenced in this scene that I wasn’t able to pick up on? Did I mention that the Materia that Sephiroth throws at Cloud is the “Destruct” Materia? Did I also mention that this particular Materia has the ability to instantly kill most enemies in the game? Why would Sephiroth throw something like that at Cloud? What benefit is there to Sephiroth to help Cloud become stronger by throwing a useful Materia at him? When did Sephiroth learn how to fly? Why did the game stop making sense?

Part 68: Oh By The Way The Shinra Mansion, and Side Quest for Vincent are BULLSHIT

So level with me for a bit here. It may come to be that some of you actually enter the dark world of game development. Furthermore, some of you may even be given the opportunity to work on video game epics that move entire audiences. When, and if, that time does come may I politely request one small favor out of you? Do NOT...NOT...hide story important characters behind bullshit sidequests! I mean...I MEAN JESUS WILL WEEP IF YOU DO!

It goes without saying that the sidequest that adds Vincent to your party is a bunch of bullshit. It’s just complete crap, and I doubt that anyone here will dispute that fact. Do you want to know how confident I am about that claim? Here’s what a guide that I consulted said about the sidequest:

Note: You do not need to solve the riddle or find each piece of the combination to the vault. The combination to the vault is always the same and is included below for reference.The details regarding how the combination can be discovered are included for informational purposes only. Proceed directly to unlocking the vault using the combination below to save yourself some time.

So first off let’s take the time to recognize that this is what a guide from people who have 100%-ed Final Fantasy VII on multiple occasions is saying. This puzzle is too much of a time waster for even them. So hopefully that then means there will be no one here that will take offense in me skipping all of this nonsense, and just going straight to the answer. If I had honestly been left to try and figure out the puzzle on my own, then most likely I would not have even bothered to add Vincent to my party. The “vault puzzle” is downright Byzantine in all the wrong ways. It bears mentioning that the only “hint” that Vincent even exists in the Shinra Mansion is by interacting with an obscure object in the first room of this decrepit mansion.

Oh and if you do bother to try and solve this puzzle the “honorable way,” good luck waltzing around the Shinra Mansion whilst also dealing with the same bullshit enemies that I just ranted about! Anyways, you open up the vault only to discover that there was a giant monster guarding it!

You know for as much as this game would like for me to believe that Vincent is an important addition to Cloud’s party, it sure does waste away my patience. This is just mindless nonsense that adds nothing to the story. Nor does it motivate unaware players to take the time to actually discover Vincent. Why is there a boss battle here? WHY? Oh and not only that, but why is the Lost Number boss one of THE HARDEST BOSSES YOU HAVE ENCOUNTERED IN THE GAME THUS FAR?! Why would anyone do that?

This is a character that I can only assume adds a great deal to the story of Final Fantasy VII given that Square-Enix decided to provide Vincent his own spin-off game. So it baffles me to see how much you end up subjecting yourself to just to be able to have that story pertinent character be a member of your party. Stop and think about that for a moment. A story pertinent character is hidden behind this mountain of bullshit for no real reason in particular. That makes no sense whatsoever, and in fact that’s completely counter-intuitive to the narrative of Final Fantasy VII! In fact, the risk of not being able to piece together all of the parts of the vault puzzle together is a real and high possibility. In turn the developers have ended up creating more scenarios where newcomers such as myself never are able to acquire Vincent, than not. THAT’S INSANE!

Now I am making a great deal of assumptions here, but I am going to hazard a guess that many of you that have played Final Fantasy VII would argue that getting Vincent is NOT OPTIONAL. In fact, when I first prompted users to inform me which side-quests I should consider completing the community was entirely universal regarding Vincent. As a result, I am just baffled that anyone thought it was a good idea to hide any of their characters, which I can only assume they spent a great deal of time animating and writing for, behind a wall however high that it may be. The fear of having not explored every nook and cranny for secrets and rewards doesn’t motivate me to better navigate the world of Final Fantasy VII. No, instead it is a demoralizing and annoying fear that I can’t shake whenever I encounter a new environment.

Part 69: Mt. Nibel and Unrealized Potential

After adding Vincent to your party you decide to humor Sephiroth’s request to explore Mt. Nibel in order to attend his “Reunion.” The scene then culminates towards...a battle with a giant scorpion. WAIT A MINUTE! Where the fuck did Sephiroth go? Why aren’t we stopping Sephiroth from creating more evil mutant people? Why isn’t Cloud trying to investigate what happened to Nibelheim? Cloud has just been confronted with the very real possibility that he’s being manipulated...and he does JACK SHIT ABOUT IT! We also need to get back to the issue of Final Fantasy VII’s pacing. After confronting Sephiroth at the Shinra Mansion and being informed that Cloud should attend this ominous “Reunion,” no such reunion ever occurs. The party just goes back to tracking down Sephiroth, but hey at least we have a transforming vampire in our party now.

There’s no culminating battle. No extra story hook. No character development for anyone...not even Cloud! Nothing of consequence happens at Mount Nibel, even though the previous scene suggested as much. Isn’t this supposedly where Sephiroth experienced his “fall from grace?” Why isn’t Cloud and company trying to investigate why that happened? Oh hey, isn’t this the exact location where Shinra attempted to create super soldiers by submerging them in vats of Mako energy? Yeah...so why aren’t we destroying or at least investigating the facility where that happened? Speaking of which why aren’t we DESTROYING ANYTHING SHINRA RELATED WE HAVE SEEN UP TO THIS POINT? It’s all here, and far from civilization Barret! All of you would be “eco-terrorists” could be fucking up Shinra’s shit without fear of civilian casualties! Why aren’t any of you dolts doing anything to stop Shinra from producing horrible weapons of war? Aren’t those activities inadvertently causing the planet to die? Wasn’t that the whole point of the story in the first place?

I gripe about all of this because I cannot help but feel that the return to Mount Nibel is a wasted scene that could have been so much more. We could have discovered more about Cloud and Sephiroth. We could have picked up hints as to why Nibelheim isn’t a smoldering ruin. Or hey, why not put in a scene where we discover more about Jenova? Now I’m not asking for the game to deal all of its cards at once, but instead a few solid exposition scenes here and there wouldn’t have hurt. I’m not asking for a three course meal! I just want a nicely mixed cocktail to wet my beak!

Part 70: Oh Hey...The Game Remains Tonally Consistent Between Two Set Pieces

For what it is worth I enjoyed practically everything that happened in Rocket Town. Besides three major nitpicks the environment was masterfully set up and conveyed in the brief time that I spent there. Now Rocket Town plays a major role in introducing the final member of Cloud’s party, Cid. However, it was the small touches here and there that I appreciated about this environment. I appreciated how every single person that you interacted with in Rocket Town referenced the depressed nature of the village, or Cid. I enjoyed the set design and how the town is built around this rusted and disheveled rocket that has clearly seen better days. I liked Cid in general, and most of the interactions that he has with the main party during his introduction. I really appreciated how uncouth Cid’s dialogue and mannerisms were. Despite the playable cast feeling incredibly bloated at this point the writers, and designers, of Final Fantasy VII took great strides in ensuring most of the characters have a distinct personality. On that note I would like to mention how appreciative I was to have Cid in a party that is just plagued with too many characters that have unbridled naivety. Cid’s honest pragmatism does a lot to differentiate himself in comparison to rest of the cast, and has thus far done wonders to make him a highlight in the game’s cast in general.

I would also like to underscore how well done Cid’s character introduction is in Final Fantasy VII. When you first enter Rocket Town the citizens of the township cite Cid as a person you should meet immediately. Once you finally meet up with Cid you discover that he is a shadow of the man he once was. What follows next is a bit of an exposition dump, but it is a thoroughly compelling and breathtaking exposition dump. Cid’s tale of how the citizens of Rocket Town placed their hopes and dreams in Shinra’s space program is a depressing tale, but it is one that serves a multifaceted role. Primarily it indicates to the player that Shinra is very much a corporation run by opportunists. When their bottom line was jeopardized, Shinra pulled the plug on the space program even if it meant ruining the hopes and dreams of everyone at Rocket Town. This is later reinforced when Shinra arrives to acquire the Tiny Bronco from Cid. This is the same company that already has stolen Cid’s dreams of space travel, and now here they are taking away what little pride and joy he has left.

The actual story as to why Shinra left Rocket Town, or how the space program failed, is equally compelling. Cid’s female “companion,” Shera, noticed a leak on one of the oxygen tanks on the rocket ship, and this was moments before the ship was set to launch. The moment when Cid realized that he was being pitted between saving Shera, or having his dream is a magical moment that draws you into the story. While you can certainly argue that it was inevitable Cid would succumb to his humanity the effect of being able to relate to Cid’s plight still stands. Cid feels human, and his depression is a relatable as well as understandable one. While most us cannot dream of charting the stars each of us can relate to the depression of feeling like you have not yet reached your true potential, or accomplished what you set out to do when you were young.

Now I did mention that there were a few nitpick that I have regarding Cid as well as Rocket Town, and they luckily do not overshadow my praise from earlier. My first complaint is a basic one found whenever you encounter a new environment in Final Fantasy VII. When you first enter Rocket Town you really don’t know what to accomplish in order to progress the story. Like so many environments prior to it; Rocket Town severely lacks any clear player or mission direction. When you first enter Rocket Town you are prompted to locate the “captain,” whom is eventually revealed to be Cid. Now you may be thinking “okay, that sounds simple enough,” but you would be wrong. You see, the game tells the player to “find the captain,” but in actuality it wants you to instead find Cid’s airplane, the Tiny goddamned Bronco. As you may expect this revelation involved many pointless hours of me wandering the ruins of the rocket in a fruitless attempt to locate Cid in person.

The mission objective being improperly surfaced to the player is a simple technical issue, and has no real impact on the story. In fact, this exact problem has happened so many times already that I have honestly stopped throwing my hands in the air whenever it does. However, my second issue is a bit more “problematic.” Cid’s treatment of Shera is downright abusive, and to that extent entirely out of place. The game takes its time to painstakingly share Cid’s story so is that you can truly see the world from his perspective. They then follow this scene with Cid verbally assaulting Shera for not preparing tea for Cloud and company, and Shera responds to this abuse as a real world abuse victim would:

This is decidedly not okay in my books, and especially so when the game wants me to view Cid with a certain amount of sympathy as well as compassion. Why should I show a certain person sympathy when they are totally inept at showing sympathy toward their assumed caregiver? In fact looking back at it Cid’s position is entirely untenable on this regard. It has been literal YEARS since he saved Shera’s life during the aborted rocket launch. Somehow through those years he is entirely incapable of forgiving Shera for taking the time to care about his well being during the launch. Instead, he appears to still have an unbridled hatred towards Shera as if the failed launched happened yesterday. How am I supposed to root for that? But hey, at least Cid says one of the single greatest lines of dialogue in Final Fantasy VII thus far:

Part 71: No Wait I Take That Back!

Beyond those nitpicks and contrivances Rocket Town is a resounding success. Like clockwork Final Fantasy VII knew when to kick its story into action. With my morale at an all-time high I was genuinely excited when Rufus appeared. With a confrontation between Cid’s unbridled nostalgia and Shinra’s utilitarianism nigh I was anticipating Final Fantasy VII’s next move with bated breath. Would I be fighting one of Scarlett’s robotic contraptions? Would Rufus throw himself into the fray? How about a new horrifying creation from Hojo’s department? Well guess what the answer was to all of those questions!

Instead of providing the players with a proper spectacle Square decided to have their next major confrontation be against Shinra’s own bumbling buffoon, Palmer. And let me tell you something; you sure as fuck can’t spell “WASTED MY GODDAMNED TIME” quite like a pointless boss battle! That’s right dear readers! Instead of providing any of the battles that I asked for, I instead have to deal with Palmer, whom may I add attacks by shaking his ass at the player.

This right here exemplifies one of the major contrivances that I have with the game’s depiction of Shinra. In one scene Shinra is depicted as being an awesome threat whose monopolistic power poses an immediate risk to the well being of everyone on the planet. Let us not forget that Shinra has been solely responsible for multiple war-crimes, as well as acts of genocide! However, when the game is not taking the time to depict Shinra as an ominous threat it instead improperly uses it as comic relief. I rest my case on the game’s oscillating depiction of the Turks over the course of the story. I’m sorry Final Fantasy VII, but you are going to have to make up your mind! You cannot vacillate between two extremes like this throughout an entire game, let alone a single scene like this!

Now I must concede that the manner in which Cloud and everyone beat their hasty retreat is remarkably done. Watching Cloud and Cid try to frantically pilot a damaged Tiny Bronco was an exhilarating experience. Cid’s quips and mannerisms helped to reinforce his character and why he is on this journey. In fact, while Cid joining the party was an inevitability, how he joined the party fits with his character perfectly.

[I’m sorry, but when did Han Solo join the party?]

Part 72: Cid and the Problem With Character Bloat

With Cid in tow we quickly need to address a new “elephant in the room.” This perplexing issue stems from the fact that I have now obtained all of the playable characters in Final Fantasy VII. Why is that an elephant in the room? BECAUSE THIS GAME HAS NINE PLAYABLE CHARACTERS AND I ONLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT FOUR OF THEM! To be honest, was it ever going to be possible that I like every character in this game? I think you already know the answer to that question. Nonetheless, with such a large cast spread over a massive epic like Final Fantasy VII one would think that every character gets their time to shine. That may well be the case down the road, but I have my doubts. In fact, let’s do a quick rundown of my formative impressions of each of the characters thus far:

Name of Character	Percentage of Me Giving a Fuck	Reasoning
	85% of all possible fucks are being given for Cloud	Cloud is the anchor for the story of Final Fantasy VII. I do have major hesitations regarding how well he will be utilized in the later portions of the game. Even then I have to concede that I am interested to learn more about his past, as well as his origin story. Like a fish that has been caught hook, line, and sinker...I’m just waiting to be gutted.
	55% of all possible fucks are being given for Barret.	Barret has already been given his moment to shine in the story. Admittedly this was an amazing character moment, but the game has yet to really add anything to Barret since. How is he handling Dyne’s suicide? Is he still thinking about Marlene? There is plenty to explore in Barret, but the game fails to do so time and time again. Worse yet, the game has reverted to having him speaingk “jive” for his dialogue, and that’s bad news for everyone involved.
	85% of all possible fucks are being given for Tifa.	Final Fantasy VII’s would be “girl next door” character is still one of my primary party members. Part of this stems from Tifa very clearly being the key to discovering more about Cloud. The obscurity of the complete extent of her relationship with Cloud is a true draw for me. I’m slowly starting to feel as if Tifa is taking “orders” from a different power. It’s a hunch, but it’s a hunch that I am enthusiastically willing to pursue.
	0% of all possible fucks are being given to Aeris	She is about to get deaded. When she dies...she dies.
	-20% of all possible fucks are being given to Red XII. Someone call the loan shark to break this fucker’s kneecaps, because he OWES ME FUCKS!	Sadly I continue to not give a fuck for everyone’s favorite talking hippie dog. In fact, I’d argue that Red XIII is only slightly better than Bulbasaur on the “Lame Ass Video Game Dog-like Things” scale. To compound my disinterest with Red XIII the game has provided our talking dog with even fewer significant speaking roles since Cosmo Canyon.
	-100% of all possible fucks are being given to Cait Sith. That’s it! It looks like I need to call the bank on this fucker because this asshole is about to go bankrupt on “fucks given!”	Fuck Cait Sith...he can go die in a fire for all I care.
	70% of all possible fucks are being given for Cid	Cid is practically introduced at the tail end of Disc 1, and that is a shame. That said I don’t think it’s possible for me to outright dislike Cid. Disliking Cid is like disliking Han Solo. I really did enjoy his character arc at Rocket Town. His uncouth and foul-mouthed nature is also a welcomed addition to Cloud’s party. More research on Cid may be necessary.
	30% of all possible fucks are being given for Yuffie	She’s an annoying hyperactive teenager that has no right being in a party fighting soldiers and terrorists. But hey...at least she isn’t Selphie.
	50% of all possible fucks are being given for Vincent.	If I were a Final Fantasy VII character part of me wishes that I were Vincent. He honestly gives zero fucks about everyone he interacts with and maintains a respectable swagger. Sometimes this is to the determinant of the tone of the game. Occasionally there will be a dramatic moment in the game, and Vincent just scoffs at it. I still have no idea who he is or why he is able to transform, but then again he is a literal walking “man of mystery.”

So as you can see...I don’t know how to feel about all of these characters. I honestly do not know how this game is going to support such a large cast given that thus far each character has had a dedicated character moment. Will countless of hours be dedicated towards each and every single one of these characters? Will the game concede that such a task is impossible, and pick and choose which characters deserve more exposition? Will I ever give a fuck about Cait Sith? I guess time will only tell, but speaking of character moments let’s dive into Yuffie! Wait no...that came out wrong.

Part 73: Going to Wutai, or YUFFIE STOLE MY SHIT!

Now I want to start off by saying that I don’t hate Yuffie. I think for the most part she comes across as a naive but impressionable young teenager. She’s an easily excitable bundle of fury, but given her age that seems entirely appropriate. Oh and SHE ISN’T SELPHIE! At no point did I want to sow Yuffie’s mouth shut with a thread and needle as I did with Selphie. Finally I enjoyed Wutai as an environment, and how Yuffie serves as an artifice as you interact with the people and places around you. If it seems as if I am speaking through my teeth as I say all of these compliments, well that’s because I am. When it was all said and done I swore many a mean word at Yuffie’s expense, and my poor computer screen does not deserve such abuse.

Okay so here we go...I wanted to murder Yuffie by the time the sidequest at Wutai ended. Even if it wasn’t the intent of the developers Yuffie is in effect slightly ruined for me as a result of her sidequest being utterly fucked. I mean...I MEAN SHE STEALS YOUR SHIT AND FORCES YOU TO FIGHT A DRAGON WITHOUT ANY MATERIA! WHAT FUCKING BULLSHIT IS THAT?! FUCK YUFFIE AND FUCK WHOEVER DESIGNED THE FIRST WUTAI SIDEQUEST!

When you initially crash the Tiny Bronco Yuffie uses the opportunity to suggest that the party go West when all signs suggest they should instead explore the “Temple of the Ancients.” Okay Yuffie, I feel like you have yet to get the chance to shine so let’s go with your suggestion. SEE!!! I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE TO HER! When you land close to where Yuffie suggested she pops out of nowhere and exclaims that she is from this area. Then to add insult to injury she exclaims that the journey to the nearest town will be difficult. Well no shit Sherlock, this game hasn’t exactly been a cakewalk thus far! After Yuffie runs away the party is immediately attacked by Shinra soldiers that come out of nowhere. Normally I would take the time to excoriate the game on how this makes no sense, but instead let’s talk about this screen:

No magic, no enemy skills, no summons, and no fucking command abilities. Yuffie stole everything...she fucking STOLE MY SHIT! Oh and she didn’t just steal any old shit! Oh no, she stole my Materia which is what makes Final Fantasy VII playable! Now I can hear you typing away as I grouse about this, and YES you are correct that the journey to Wutai is not that long. That’s besides the point as it is entirely unfair to subject the player to an almost endless wave of random encounters without any Materia. To make matters worse you have no idea where you are going when trying to locate Wutai! On two occasions I summited mountains and pathways only to discover that my efforts led me to dead-ends! FUCK THAT! The developers knew exactly what they were doing with the Wutai set-piece so they should have made the surrounding area easier to navigate through. I honestly do not believe that I am being unreasonable with that request.

Does the adventure become easier or better when you enter Wutai? NOPE! Even though the random encounters have been removed the game still manages to make interacting with Yuffie a complete and total chore! I certainly found Yuffie’s interactions with her father to be interesting. That does not excuse the game from hiding said parental figure in an obscure building, and expecting me to figure out that I need to talk to him five or six times in order to progress the story!

What follows next is the most abhorrent game of hide and go seek that I have ever been subjected to. Yuffie dashes off and you have to locate her in the foregrounds of a variety locations in Wutai. Now isn’t that the most riveting thing you have ever heard of? But oh wait there’s more! Guess who is comically vacationing at Wutai while all of this is happening? If you guessed “THE TURKS,” you are correct and have a skill at predicting mediocrity!

Part 74: Fuck Everything About Rescuing Yuffie

So where were we before I began questioning my humanity and life choices? Oh that’s right, we were playing a goddamned game of hide and go seek with Yuffie! After you locate Yuffie in a literal vase and knock her out she is forced to admit defeat. At Yuffie’s room Cloud utters what I can only describe to be the realest line of dialogue he has ever uttered in Final Fantasy VII:

Yuffie then provides a bit of convoluted exposition as to why she stole the Materia in the first place. Somehow, and someway, the Materia would be used to assist Wutai in re-acquiring its former independence. SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?! Yuffie, if you wanted the Materia why didn’t you just buy them from one of the MANY Materia vendors in the game? Likewise, how the fuck is stealing my Materia going to help in your war against Shinra? Shinra is better equipped than any single member of my party! So why aren’t you stealing from Shinra’s inventory instead of mine? Don’t you care about the wellbeing of your fellow party members? If so, then why would you put their lives at risk like this? After Yuffie is provided some time to wallow in her sorrows she asks Cloud to pull a lever that, and I am NOT joking about this, drops a giant cage on the other two members of your party.

So I’m guessing that Yuffie had this cage all set up for this exact moment. Otherwise I have no idea why you would ever have this Looney Tunes-esque droppable cage. Did she plan on the other two party members standing exactly where they needed to, and NOT getting crushed to death? Oh but guess what? There’s still more to this shit sandwich! How bad could it possibly be? Well how about we BRING BACK DON CORNEO AND MAKE YUFFIE A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS FOR NO GODDAMNED REASON IN PARTICULAR?

THIS IS CRAP! THIS IS COMPLETE AND TOTAL CRAP! You mean to tell me that the same magical ninja that surreptitiously stole our Materia was able to get nabbed by the bumbling idiot that is Don Corneo? What the fuck is that shit all about? Wasn’t the whole purpose of the previous scenes to establish Yuffie as an able and capable ninja? Did the writers just forget about how Yuffie has been depicted in the game at this point? Doesn’t Yuffie carry a giant Shuriken with her at all times as her primary attack weapon? Did she all of the sudden forget how to use it? Did Yuffie also forget how to use smoke bombs and grenades? Did Yuffie forget how to run? But hey, at least the game has Yuffie crack wise with a comment about how she never took lessons on how to untangle rope bindings:

As if the game narratively shitting on all of Yuffie’s character development up to this point wasn’t bad enough we also need to deal with Don Corneo’s sexist commentary once again. This time around it is even more untenable considering that YUFFIE IS A MINOR. Despite that, the game allows Don Corneo to continue with his slobbering perverted attitude as normal. And don’t any of you dare give me that “BUT THE AGE OF CONSENT IN JAPAN IS...” bullshit, because I’m part Japanese you assholes and I’m tired of hearing that shit. Don Corneo is terrible, and I wish he had been a one time character that I never saw again. He wantonly boasts about looking forward to getting his sweaty mitts on Yuffie, or Elena whom he also magically managed to nab. Both characters interject that they DO NOT consent to this. I’m sorry, but this is rape! If you are not willing to listen to my emotional plea how about a mechanical one? Need I remind you that he forces you to fight a giant dragon while you still don’t have any Materia?

After defeating the dragon the Turks end up coming to the rescue, and I’m not really sure as to what to make of this scene. I guess the Turks are firmly established to be “friendly rivals,” instead of being outright villains,]. Then again why do they continue to try and kill Cloud and company? Worse yet, the game is horribly inconsistent with its depiction of Reno and Rude. Here they ranged from being ineffectual bums to cold blooded murderers. What am I supposed to make of that? I DON’T CARE ANYMORE CAN WE JUST BE DONE WITH WUTAI AND THIS BULLSHIT?

Part 75: Final Fantasy VII Is a Directionless Nightmare...AGAIN!

Under much duress I desperately sought to continue the main story of Final Fantasy VII as expeditiously as possible. Now to my credit, I do recall needing to explore the “Temple of the Ancients.” There is only one problem with that would be mission objective. THE GAME DOES NOT TELL YOU WHERE THAT IS! Eventually I was able to discern that the Temple of the Ancients is a Chichen Itza looking monument, but yet again Final Fantasy VII’s directionless nature strikes with a vengeance. If you enter the Temple of the Ancients with a party that lacks Aeris, nothing happens. You go into the entrance hall of the temple, and when you try to interact with the pedestal there Cloud just shrugs his shoulders in his usual non-plussed manner. The player is then left to their own devices to try and figure out what to do next. Now, if you enter the temple WITH Aeris you witness a brief cutscene where one of Sephiroth’s robed cronies loudly shouts the word “KEYSTONE” before dying. Once again I would like to remind you that this only happens if you have Aeris in your party.

Righty-o so now we need to locate a magical MacGuffin of unfathomable power! Okay game, where do I go now? Uh, can you give me a hint? No? OH WELL YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF! It turns out that the Keystone has been recently acquired by Dio who is the current owner of the Golden Saucer. How do you figure that out? Why by locating an antiques dealer in the middle of GODDAMNED NOWHERE! I can only assume that this location only exists to direct the player to where the Keystone can be located. If that’s the case why did the developers put it MILES AWAY FROM THE TEMPLE? Real quick, I want to share a couple of sentences from the guide that I have ended up consulting regarding this bit:

The game is not very specific about where you should be going at this point. The suggestion is that you should head to the Temple of the Ancients which you don't yet know how to find.

EVEN PEOPLE WHO LOVE FINAL FANTASY VII, AND ARE ABLE TO SPEEDRUN IT, ADMIT THAT THIS SUCKS!

Because the developers put in a ton of time and effort into designing the Golden Saucer we are back to the garish neon drenched amusement park. When you discover the Keystone in Dio’s shrine by the Battle Square he challenges you to entertain him in the Battle Square. Regardless of how you perform you end up receiving the Keystone, but because I am a champion I committed myself towards beating every stage.

Part 76: Is Cloud Meant to Look Like an Incompetent Fool?

Are you ready for a healthy dose of “plot by convenience?” I sure do hope so, because the next couple of scenes are so conveniently spliced together that I honestly wanted to punch my computer monitor. The convenience train starts when we first discover that the tram system for the Golden Saucer has broken down and we are unable to leave the wretched location as a result. Oh great, we finally have acquired the MacGuffin of unfathomable power, but are now stuck in a stationary location. Here’s an idea Cloud, how about you have everyone in your party rotate in groups of two and act as guards for the Keystone? Or if that is too much to ask for how about you lock away the Keystone in a safe place that only you know about? I mean shit, do you want to know what I would have done? I would have given the Keystone back to Dio and asked him to look after it until the tram was fixed!

Because the characters have completely forgotten that they have a buggy that can travel through the Corel Desert they decide to just camp out at the Haunted Hotel at the behest of Cait Sith. Once again I have to question why anyone would listen to Cait Sith in the first place. Do we even know if he has our wellbeing in mind? OH WAIT WE DO NOT! At the hotel everyone demands that Cloud review what has happened in the story up to this point. After the game is done completing its Shakespearean soliloquy the characters are off to bed...with Cloud being the only person responsible with looking over the Keystone. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL IDEA CLOUD! OH GEE I CAN CLEARLY SEE WHY YOU ARE THE LEADER OF THIS MOTLEY CREW!

Part 77: #TeamTifa

Whelp there’s no other way for me to dance around the scene that I have been surreptitiously delaying for a while now so here we go...I ended up going on a date with Tifa. I would like to go on record in saying that I feel entirely justified with this decision. In all honesty, Tifa seems like the most logical person for Cloud to have a relationship with. She is established as having a longstanding childhood friendship with Cloud before the events of the story, and is a key toward unlocking more information about his past.

I don’t hate Aeris, but canonically she has just met Cloud, and is recovering from the loss of her previous boyfriend. As a result it never seemed natural to develop a relationship with Aeris. The quips that she has with Cloud are endearing, but they are more or less your standard young adult flirtations that come natural when interacting with someone your age for the first time. Furthermore AERIS FUCKING DIES! Oh and because I’m not a pedophiliac monster I didn’t persue a relationship with Yuffie. Neither did I pursue a relationship with Barret, because that would have required way more planning and know where all than I was willing to commit to.

What you end up experiencing is a “nice” scene with whomever you end up pairing up with. Each character spends time with Cloud and is allowed to convey emotions and feelings that they do not get to normally show through the usual ebbs and flows of the story. The play that you are forced to act in is the true highlight of the scene. Here the characters all are provided with an opportunity to have fun in a way that builds their character and connection with each other. It’s a welcomed breath of fresh air, and that’s not something that I normally say about the other side adventures in Final Fantasy VII.

From a completely objective standpoint I enjoyed the pure simplicity of the relationship mechanic in Final Fantasy VII. It was a fun side distraction that did not completely deter me from progressing the story. More importantly, in a post BioWare world where oftentimes player choice is so clumsily integrated within games, I appreciated how basic the mechanic worked. A few small choices here and there led to a fun little scene near the end of the first disc. It’s a transparent and tangible reward that you can buy into. It’s nothing more than what meets the eye, and sometimes that’s all you really want out of a game.

Part 78: I Want to Murder Cait Sith

I am not one to gloat, but on this count I just cannot help it. When your date with whomever you ended up pursuing has completed you discover Cait Sith ominously with the Keystone in tow. Apparently Cloud just left the Keystone laying about in his room. Can someone tell me why everyone in this game trusts Cloud to be their leader? What ensues is a brief chase sequence that culminates in Cait Sith tossing the Keystone to Tseng of the Turks. Yet, for reasons that are beyond my own comprehension the game wants me to continue to welcome Cait Sith as a normal party member. Why is this unbelievable on my part? Cait Sith is revealed to be a robot, and whoever is controlling it blackmails Cloud in order to keep Cait Sith in the party.

Yup, whoever is in control of Cait Sith straight up threatens to bring harm to Marlene. Wow...I mean what do you even say to that? I genuinely have no idea why the writers would think that I could ever remain sympathetic towards Cait Sith after having him pull off this sort of nonsense. Now if I am connecting all of the possible dots here then Cait Sith is indeed being controlled by someone from Shinra. Now I’ll refrain from making any predictions here as to who the “pilot” of Cait Sith really is, but whoever it may be should always go down in history as a psychopath that was willing to threaten a child with bodily harm.

Because of that neerdowell Sephiroth when you arrive at the temple you discover Tseng with a life threatening stab wound. Despite this we somehow are still able to enter the inner sanctum of the temple. With Tseng out of the picture Sephiroth is all that really remains in your way, and a confrontation with him seems inevitable. Oh and there are still random encounters at the Temple of the Ancients to deal with, because nothing can ever be perfect in the world of Final Fantasy VII.

Part 79: THE MOTHERFUKCING TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENTS! WHAT IN THE LITERAL FUCK IS THIS?!

Look at that image. Look at that. I don’t think there is a single person who is capable of arguing that the Temple of the Ancients features a single “good” puzzle. If you are about to say “I disagree with you ZombiePie,” then I want you to do something for me. I want you...yes you at home reading this right now...I want you to put your face against your computer monitor. Put your face close to your screen to where you are practically touching it. Then I want you to say “I’m lying to you.” Do it now. I’m not kidding. Say the words. “I’m lying to you.” Do you want to know why I know you are lying? Because here’s an image of how to successfully navigate through the first level of the Temple of the Ancients:

Now because someone at Square has a flaming crush on M.C. Escher I have to navigate through this nightmare in an attempt to track down a purple alien Santa Claus. This is the basic conceit behind every single puzzle in the Temple of the Ancients. There’s some sort of magical purple Santa Claus that you need to find or chase after, and the only thing preventing you from doing so is a Byzantine puzzle that reeks of 90s era adventure game design. I have already ranted about how navigating the environments in Final Fantasy VII is “problematic” so I won't take up too much of your time on this issue this time around. However, it is worth noting that after you are done navigating the M.C. Escher LEVEL FROM HELL you have to dodge giant rolling stone doughnuts.

Okay...I get that the Temple of the Ancients is some sort of mystical temple that the Ancients really didn’t want people to go spelunking in for shits and giggles. However, this is just game design that ends up tearing me away from the scenery. This level only exists in video games, and it is painfully obvious how poorly thought out this test of my might is. There are no audio cues, or overt visual hints as to how one should get through with this puzzle. Once again it’s simply easier to brute force your way through the puzzle, instead of applying your intuition. Well guess what?! WE HAVE TO COMPLETE SHIT LIKE THIS TWO MORE TIMES!

Part 80: The Motherfucking Clock and Door Puzzles Can Go Fuck Themselves!

I cannot even begin to describe the immeasurable rage that I developed regarding the next two puzzles. After you successfully navigate yourself through the hall of the rolling stone doughnuts you encounter a giant clock on the floor with pathways by every numerical position on the clock. Behind one doorway is the entrance to the next level. Behind the rest are either treasure or random encounter battles for you to marvel over. How do you discover which room is which? YOU DON’T! THE GAME EXPECTS YOU TO JUST EXPLORE EVERY ROOM! Oh and if you manage to get knocked down from your perch you end up fighting two fire spewing dragons, because the designers felt like this game hasn’t given you the middle finger enough.

Do you suspect that our national nightmare is over? WELL IT ISN’T BECAUSE THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING DOOR PUZZLE AFTER THIS! Here you have to catch up to another magical purple Santa Clause. This time you need to memorize the doors that he enters and exits so is that you are able to run into him before he exits completely. Are there any numbers or signs by the doors so you can easily memorize the sequence? OF COURSE THERE FUCKING AREN’T!

Why are any of these puzzles here? Why am I doing any of this? From a purely objective perspective the Temple of the Ancients is an awe inspiring environment. With it we marvel over the alien and incongruous architecture of the Ancients. Speaking of which, why am I NOT learning more about the Ancients and their history? You learn a little bit about the Ancients and their relationship with Jenova at the very end, but very little of this information is front loaded. Sure there’s an apparition of Sephiroth when you observe the reflection pool by the rolling doughnuts, but that doesn’t really prepare you for the story revelations that the game is about to have.

Now level with me for a bit. Let’s keep all of these bullshit puzzles, and completely preserve their 90s era video game design awfulness. What if...and this may be a bit of a stretch...the puzzles resulted in a hologram playing, or a brief visual scene. In this scenario each of the holograms would reveal a little bit more about what the temple was intended to be used for, or why it was created. That way, and I admit that this may sound crazy, there was a narrative connection between the puzzles and the actual events of the story! What if the clock puzzle catapulted the characters into the past where they witness first hand the Ancients building the temple?

I say all of this because it is painfully obvious to me that each of these puzzles only exists because the developers wanted to fill in space. However, in doing so the developers painfully obfuscate me from appreciating the story moments at the temple. In their ill-fated attempt to add variety to this set piece; I instead am left frustrated and exhausted. Instead of leaving the temple with a sense of concern for Aeris and her well-being, I leave the temple relieved and rejuvenated.

Part 81: Will The Real Final Fantasy VII Story Please Stand Up?

Here we are, and Final Fantasy VII is finally starting to play its cards. The problem is that the cards add up to a pair of Aces, but the game thinks it has a royal flush. As that might suggest I am becoming less and less enthused with Final Fantasy VII’s story as it progresses. More often than not it’s attempt to add a motivation to Sephiroth, or extrapolation as to whatever Jenova is, feels beyond muddled. The writers clearly are attempting at a more science fiction premise, but the game didn’t overtly start with such a premise. It doesn’t help that Sephiroth's “master plan” is bewildering. Somehow Sephiroth is confident that if he summons a meteor its impact on the planet will cause a huge influx of energy that will transform him into a would be “God.”

Well then...that’s one way to give your primary antagonist a story arc. The problem that I have with this character arc is everything! How is Sephiroth able to read the mural in the temple and automatically know how to summon the meteor? Does Sephiroth know how to read the hieroglyphics of the Ancients? Why do the Ancients use Egyptian inspired hieroglyphics? How does Sephiroth know that a meteor impact will cause a “wound in the planet,” and how does he know that this wound will release a new influx of energy? How does Sephiroth know that this energy will turn him into a “God?” Those Mako experiments from earlier sure as fuck didn’t look like Ahura Mazda or Vishnu! Is Sephiroth an expert in things THAT HAVE NEVER HAPPENED? OF COURSE the world ending meteor can only be summoned using a nefarious “Dark Materia!” I was just thinking to myself how this game’s story desperately needed another MacGuffin.

I previously praised Final Fantasy VII for having what I described to be a balanced mix between fantasy and science fiction. It now appears that I have to retract that praise as the story delves deeper into its science fiction elements. Now I don’t entirely know why this is the case, but all of the science fiction aspects of Final Fantasy VII’s story have been my least favorite parts. Jenova is a “nothing” villain as she/it is on a quest to consume all life without any need for a motivation or character arc. Jenova is a monster, and that’s all you can really do with her. Sephiroth on the other hand is on a quest to become a “God,” and that’s just too beyond the pale for my tastes. What happened to the gritty realism of wanting to defeat Shinra because they were slowly destroying the planet? Why did the writers decide that they needed to muddle the waters with this over complicated Meteor nonsense? Did someone watch Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, and thought that could work as a Final Fantasy game?

Worse yet, I still have no idea who is in charge of our antagonists. Is Sephiroth being controlled by Jenova, or is it the other way around? Is Sephiroth’s master scheme in conflict with, or is it complimentary to Jenova’s, or even Shinra’s for that matter? Does Rufus want to become a God like Sephiroth? Oh right...I’m playing a “FINAL FANTASY” game! The story had to turn into existential science fiction bullcrap at some point! To put it bluntly, this “plot twist” is beyond off-putting. It hurts my overall feelings about the game, and is simply adding to my previously stated mountain of concerns about what the future holds for me. Then things just get worse when Cloud starts babbling like a crazy person:

Look here Final Fantasy VII! I get that you have been building up the concept that Cloud is being manipulated or controlled by a malevolent force, but you can’t just have him break all of the sudden! What would have been preferred is if Cloud became progressively more unhinged as the story progressed. The game has had numerous scenes where Cloud has a moment with the supposed “voice in his head.” So why not have those scenes become progressively more psychotic or cerebral as the story progresses? I don’t know, what if those moments were actual scenes with visible characters? I get that the story doesn’t want to reveal who the voice in Cloud’s head is just yet, but that doesn’t mean that the designers couldn’t have obscured his or her’s face.

The game has practically had every opportunity to AVOID making Cloud’s mental breakdown here and later feel unwarranted. There have been so many opportunities to utilize foreshadowing and other plot devices to build up progressive storytelling, but none of those opportunities were taken. Instead, I and everyone who plays this game, has to watch Cloud just shatter right in front of their eyes without any warning. I understand getting frustrated in regards to losing control of a situation, but all of this could have been more impactful. It’s as if there’s three or four pieces missing to an otherwise completed jigsaw puzzle. You get what the puzzle is and can imagine what the missing pieces look like, but you really shouldn’t have to.

Part 82: The Soul Crushing Boss Battles and Cait Sith Can STILL Go Fuck Himself

For reasons that I can only begin to comprehend the creators of Final Fantasy VII decided to place TWO boss battles back to back after your moment with Sephiroth inside the temple. One of these confrontations is with YET ANOTHER DRAGON. The second is against a haunted brick wall...and I just don’t even know anymore. The enemy designs in this game really run the gamut of hilariously great to me questioning if drugs were used at the Square Headquarters during the creation of Final Fantasy VII.

“Demons Gate” is a blight to proper syntax as well as humanity in general. I have been informed that wall bosses are an occasional “thing” in the Final Fantasy series, and basically whenever there is one it sucks. This was without a doubt the single hardest boss that I have encountered in Final Fantasy VII thus far. Right off the bat this fucker powers up a party wide attack that does massive damage called “Demon Rush.” On top of that whoever designed this boss thought that it made complete sense to have it be one of the fastest bosses in the entire game. If you even think about hesitating regarding your next maneuver Demons Gate will proceed to fuck you up. I haven’t even begun to describe the narrative incongruity of Demons Gate. Why is it that this living brick wall is harder than any battle that I have had with Jenova? Or better yet, WHY AM I FIGHTING A BRICK WALL?! Did the Ancients place a cursed wall in their temple for shits and giggles? Whatever the reason for this may be once your party is done they discovers that they are at an impasse. The temple itself is the “Black Materia” that Sephiroth is after, but the only way for the temple to be transformed into the Materia is if someone is willing to sacrifice their life. THEN IN COMES THE DOYEN OF MEDIOCRITY, CAIT MOTHERFUCKING SITH!

Left with few options Cloud is forced to accept Cait Sith’s offer to allow him to sacrifice his robot husk in order to transform the temple. I’m sorry but are we talking to Cait Sith’s pilot, or the actual robot at this point? At any rate players are subjected to Cait Sith’s “character moment,” and are expected to feel sympathy for a robot that just a few hours ago threaten to blow Marlene’s brains out with a sniper rifle.

Do I really need to tell you that this scene does not work? Because this scene doesn’t work...like at all. Part of this stems from the fact that oh, two hours ago let’s say, we witnessed Cait Sith blackmailing Cloud. Secondly, I don’t understand if this is a sacrifice on the part of Cait Sith’s pilot, or just the robot husk. Did Cait Sith magically gain sentience during his/its sacrifice? Did Cait Sith’s “pilot” decide to help Cloud for no goddamned reason in particular? Isn’t Cait Sith’s WHOLE PURPOSE to observe and spy on Cloud and the activities of his company? Why then does Cait Sith decide to sacrifice himself in order to assist Cloud? I know the answer to all of these questions...it’s because that’s how the script is written. Whoever wrote this script essentially wrote themselves into a hole, and Cait Sith was the only solution out of it.

Part 83: Oh Hey! Here Comes Final Fantasy VII’s Story to the Rescue!

For all of the grousing that I have expressed regarding the actual Temple of the Ancients and everything that you are forced to engage in when you enter it; the events of the game once you exit the nefarious temple are well done. Sephiroth leaves with the Black Materia in tow, and Cloud is finally forced to confront the stark reality that he is not the man that he thought he was. With his perception of his own identity in tatters Cloud is left doubting himself as well as his abilities to continue with his mission. You visibly see his hesitation in his actions, and understand why he is hesitant in continuing with the journey. Better yet is when Cloud actually asks his party members to keep him in check. That right there is what I was practically BEGGING for during my playthrough of Final Fantasy VIII! I would have KILLED to have seen Squall express a sense of humility or gratefulness towards his compatriots just ONCE, but at least I got it here.

What happens to Cloud at the ruins of the Temple of the Ancients is still mostly a mystery to the player. With the Black Materia in his possession Cloud and company appears to be “on top” of their villainous doppelganger, Sephiroth. Be that as it may, when Sephiroth appears he is able to force Cloud to hand over the Black Materia, not by force, but by his words alone. Despite his inner consciousness begging him not to do it, which is cleverly depicted as a young Cloud, Cloud hands over the Materia. Sephiroth then flies into the stratosphere, and just like that, the party has failed in their mission.

Now this is one of those scenes where once you accept the spectacle you can appreciate what it is attempting to accomplish. Certainly there is a bit of a plot hole regarding Cloud’s party not doing anything to prevent Cloud from handing over the Materia to Sephiroth. Did the writers think about that plot hole? God I hope so! But did the writers care? No, and I’m okay with that. This scene isn’t here to ensure that the party is closer to saving the world from an impending disaster. This scene is here to further domiciliate that Cloud is either split between two worlds, and/or not who or what he seems. Thus far a major component to Cloud’s character is a growing sense of doubt that what he believes is his past is truly the gospel truth. This scene leaves it plainly clear to the viewer that everything is now open to dispute, and Cloud will be forced to confront the reality of his identity very soon. This scene is a portent of what players can expect to see more of in the very near future, and for that reason I excuse any plot holes.

What happens in the next following few scenes is without a doubt one of the stronger moments of Final Fantasy VII since Barret’s confrontation with Dyne. Cloud quickly realizes the gravity of what he has just done, and experiences a mental breakdown. Seeing no one else to transfer his rage onto he begins to pummel Aeris. I understand that there are some who argue that Cloud isn’t actually hitting Aeris during this scene, but I tend to disagree. For one he’s depicted as being on top of Aeris with his hands raised and animating as if they are moving in a punching motion. That, and there’s an audio cue to suggest that he is actually beating Aeris up. The technicalities aside, Cloud fury is understandable, and while Cloud’s “target” for his fury is questionable we do understand that he has very much lost control of his mental capacities. He just recently lost complete control of his physical capacities, and the idea that this has had a major impact on his psychological capacities is one that I can believe.

The game then compliments this act of depraved but gripping violence with yet another excellent “quiet” moment. After blacking out from his tirade Cloud descends into a stupor, and Aeris speaks to Cloud in a dream. After apologies have been exchanged Aeris reveals that she intends to save the planet from Sephiroth's madness by herself This once again reinforces her willingness to sacrifice her own well being for the betterment of others. After Aeris runs off into the background Sephiroth then appears, and his presence confirms that an act of intervention on Cloud’s part is necessary.

I truly enjoyed these two scenes. They both work wonders in building Aeris an altruistic saint instead of a damsel in distress. This results in her impending doom feeling all the more tragic considering all she wanted to do was save lives and protect people. Cloud’s state of disarray is another strong aspect of these two scenes. Having lost his grip with reality he is repeatedly seen expressing hesitation, and even asking his peers to assist him in their adventure. The icing on the cake is when Cloud’s party members express a sense of compassion that is neither saccharine nor unwarranted. Cloud has completed multiple acts of heroism that justifies the confidence and support of his party. Therefore, it makes sense that his party members would feel compelled to assist him in one of his darker moments, as he’s done the same for them.

So seriously Square...Squall. WHAT THE FUCK MAN!? HOW DO YOU NOT LEARN FROM CLOUD AND ATTEMPT TO IMPROVE ON YOUR PRIOR SUCCESSES? HOW? WHY? WHAT IN THE LITERAL FUCK HAPPENED? I should also mention that Cait Sith comes back because nothing is allowed to be too perfect in the world of Final Fantasy VII!

Part 84: I FUCKED UP! I FUCKED IT ALL UP!

NO REALLY! I FUCKED UP! I FUCKED IT ALL UP! AERIS IS FUCKING GONE! SHE’S GONE AND SHE TOOK ALL OF MY BEST SHIT WITH HER!

I FUCKING GAVE HER A RIBBON AS WELL AS A GOLDEN BANGLE! MISTAKES WERE MADE ON MY PART! EVERYTHING IS FUCKED! CATS AND DOGS ARE PLAYING WITH EACH OTHER, IT’S RAINING HAMBURGERS, AND I JUST LOST MY ONLY RIBBON!

For all of you that intend to rebuke my frustration with “BUT YOU KNEW AERIS DIES!” I want you to shut your pie-holes. I have always known that Aeris dies, but I never knew that this shit was going to happen on the first goddamned disc! That, and HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT SHE TAKES THE EQUIPMENT THAT YOU GIVE HER AND IT’S FUCKING GONE FOREVER!

FUCK THIS! FUCK LIFE! I’M NOT LETTING THIS GARBAGE BULLSHIT GAME BEAT ME! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I AM A CHAMPION! WHO IS A CHAMPION? I AM MOTHERUCKERS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Author’s Note:Oh hey there! This is ZombiePie post mortem. I'm adding in an “anger translation” for the rant above. In fact, the previous few paragraphs are admittedly entirely incoherent. Anyways, I lost a ribbon as a result of giving Aeris some of my best equipment in preparation for the battles in the Temple of the Ancients. I assumed that this was a good idea because Aeris was the lowest leveled character in my party, and she is required to have when entering the temple. To ensure that I did not lose this ribbon, and the other equipment, I replayed parts 78 to 79. I wish that this had not happened. The fact that it did made me very angry.]

Part 85: Bone Village and My Growing Sense of “Here We Go Again….”

I have completely lost the ability to get angry at the minigames in Final Fantasy VII. Their schedule occurs with such a regularity that the game has just entirely imbibed me. All of the energy that I would normally have to criticise the minigames no longer exists. Congratulations game designers...you’ve won. You have officially broken me. Where’s my pension? Because I am RETIRED from the complaining about minigames business.

Digging for items at Bone Village isn’t terrible, but it is such an unnecessary time sink. The whole process of selecting plots of land to excavate and then dredge is such a boring slog. This whole affair is made even more unacceptable when everyone at the village acts unsurprised when Cloud asks about entering the “Sleeping Forest.” HEY ASSHOLES! If you already knew about the importance of the “Lunar Harp,” then why haven’t you excavated it yourselves already? If it is honestly the only item on the face of the planet that allows people to enter the forest, then why the fuck haven’t you already located it? Just think of the people you could extort!

So here we are, digging for a magical MacGuffin that will allow us to enter the forest that Aeris and Sephiroth crossed into. This is in order to do...something. That’s ultimately my major issue with the build up to the confrontation with Sephiroth at the Forgotten Capital. The game botches why we are here, and what Aeris plans on doing at the abandoned capital city. During the dream sequence from earlier Aeris assured Cloud that she would be able to deal with Sephiroth by herself. Okay...has she completely forgotten that her physical weapon is a staff and her speciality is healing magic? No really, why in the world does Aeris think she is the person best equipped to take on Sephiroth alone?

By the way, why exactly does Sephiroth want to become a God? I know I keep bringing this issue up, but I seriously am unclear as to how we went from Sephiroth wanting to “protect” his mother, Jenova, to him wanting to become a fucking omnipotent deity. Is Jenova kosher with that plan? Why isn’t Jenova the one that becomes the omnipotent deity of unfathomable power? What the fuck is Shinra doing while all of this is happening? Why did the game stop making sense all of the sudden?

Part 86: The Forgotten Capital and Masterful Art Design

Once the party has successfully acquired the Lunar Harp, and are able to navigate their way through the Sleeping Forest they find themselves at the Forgotten Capital. There is a genuine sense of isolation and desolation at the Forgotten Capital, and its design perfectly conveys this. Here we witness entire dormitories and living accommodations absolutely empty and deserted. That said, there is simultaneously an ominous sense that Cloud and company are not alone. There is a clear sense that they will have to face an impending threat by themselves and without any outside influences. The mood and tone of this environment is surprisingly consistent for the duration of your time there, and that’s something I wish I could say about every one of Final Fantasy VII’s set pieces.

The art design of the capital city is equally praiseworthy. While I would cite a bit of an anachronism of the design given that the Temple of the Ancients looks nothing like the Forgotten Capital, or how out of place the hieroglyphics from inside the temple end up coming across; this is nitpicking for the sake of nitpicking. The design of the capital is alien and foreign to better highlight the differences between the Ancients and their human counterparts. There’s a Myst-like quality to the set piece that I also enjoyed. It’s classic 90s era level design, but it is one that I cannot help but feel nostalgic towards. Then there’s the music which further hits home the idea that we are somewhere alien and different from what we are accustomed to. All this means that you know that the story is about to lead to its crescendo. Somehow all of it elements work together for this one moment to create an impeccable sense of mood and tone.

Finally, in a design decision that I can only declare to be “genius,” there are no random encounters at the Forgotten Capital. I call this “genius” as having them would be totally counter-intuitive to what the game is attempting to accomplish with this environment. It is as if the designers understood that random encounters need to be disabled for the sake of tonal consistency in certain environments...so why the fuck hasn’t this decision occurred more frequently? That aside the designers deserve praise here. There is a clear sense of foreboding as Cloud’s party rests one final time before trekking to confront Sephiroth. You truly do feel that something terrible is about to happen, and that you are powerless to prevent it from happening. Being able to evoke such feelings from a single level is a monumental accomplishment even today. The fact that this game was able to evoke such emotions, and was created in the nineties, further justifies it being held up in the pantheon of all-time “great” video games.

Part 87: “THE SCENE”

This is an exhaustive blog post about the end of the first disc of Final Fantasy VII. Many of you already understand what occurs at the end of Final Fantasy VII’s first disc. For those of you that are unaware this is what happens:

Many impassioned video game enthusiasts have written entire dissertations pertaining to the death of Aeris. Countless essays have been written about this scene and how it justifies video games as an artform. Many others have used this very scene to express the gamut of emotions that they felt as a result of witnessing it, and thus using Final Fantasy VII as a case study on the emotional potential of this very medium that we all enjoy. The pressure to pick any of these topics to engage in for my own independent research is considerable. However, for reasons that I will go into very shortly, I feel totally ill-equipped to engage in such inquiry.

Before we delve into the realm of the existential let’s first break down the self-evident and indisputable truths of this scene. Firstly, it goes without saying that the death of Aeris is designed to be a major shock to the players. It perfectly establishes Sephiroth as the irredeemable villain of the story, and that Cloud is being tampered with. When you first enter the mausoleum the party witnesses Aeris praying. Other than Cloud shooing away his party members no dialogue is uttered. Despite this, the game manages to create this ominous sense of dread as Cloud draws near Aeris. As Cloud gingerly approaches Aeris he once again loses control over his body. Cloud frighteningly raises his sword, and as she is deep in prayer Aeris fails to notice this. Luckily for Cloud the shouts of his party members breaks him away from his trance. Then Sephiroth descends from the sky and murders Aeris without an ounce of emotion on his face.

The following scene plays out masterfully. As Sephiroth withdraws his sword Aeris’s Materia necklace becomes undone, and the Materia within it dramatically falls into a nearby reflection pool. Her connection with the human world has been dramatically, but also permanently severed. We then witness Sephiroth bellowing about his master plan, and Cloud visibly grieving over the death of Aeris. It’s the small but deliberate touches here that add more emotional impact to the unfolding scene. After she is stabbed Aeris slumps over and then slowly closes her eyes. The player thus clearly understands the severity of Sephiroth's act. Then Cloud’s interjection over Sephiroth’s classically generic evil villain speech is without a doubt one of Cloud’s greatest story moments. Cloud’s grief is palpable and believable in this circumstance, and better yet he transmits emotions and feelings that the player are simultaneously experiencing. The designers and writers here knew exactly what the players would feel during this revelatory moment, and have Cloud act as a perfect vessel for the players.

When the game transitions to a battle with another Jenova monster, but Aeris theme is used instead of Jenova’s usual battle theme my heart sunk. It is a seamless transition that does the game wonders. Similarly, the designers deserve massive praise for ensuring that this is one of the easier confrontations with Jenova. They immediately recognized that having a difficult boss battle at this moment was inappropriate, and what the player and story needed was a push-over, but still cinematic battle. What ensues next is without a doubt Final Fantasy VII’s strongest moment, a fact that I cannot, nor will not, dispute factually. With Sephiroth gone the characters are left to grieve over the corpse of Aeris.

Part 88: Honoring Tragedy in 1997

The following scenes are some of the greatest example of 90s era game design making the most out of limited resources. I truly lucked out in having Yuffie and Tifa in my party as their emotional responses to this tragedy compliment the tone of it the best. First we have Yuffie whose sobbing is clear on account of her shoulders animating up and down, and thus signifying that she is truly weeping. She seeks comfort in Cloud, and he in turn allows her to hug him. There is no dialogue, and the scene plays out silently, which in my book is the correct decision. Tifa is also overcome with grief, but because wishes to maintain her tough girl persona immediately runs away from Cloud when she can no longer maintain her composure.

As Cloud walks to Aeris’s corpse he picks her up, and carries her away to the same reflection poll that her Materia fell into. The next CG cutscene depicts Cloud placing Aeris in the pool and we watch as she sinks into the abyss. You know what? I’m not even going to talk about how that doesn’t make any sense as Cloud and company are seen standing knee deep in the pool. I’m not going to question how Aeris is able to sink to the bottom of that same pool. I’ll sweat the small stuff only when I have to, and if the scene is rotten to its core.

It’s really Cloud’s speech at the end of the scene that resonated the most with me. Finally recognizing that there is a missing cog to his past he gives all of the party permission to leave. Cloud does this not due to a lack of confidence in his party members, but due to a genuine fear that he may harm them. He then concedes that he needs his friends more than ever to prevent him from inflicting unnecessary harm to those around him as well as the world. With full confidence that they can prevent Cloud from losing himself to his own madness the party announces their willingness to support him. It’s a touching moment that really tugged at my heart strings, and I truly mean that unironically. There is a true and genuine sense of compassion and companionship on both sides of the situation. Better yet the emotions here are clearly telegraphed to the player as the characters act out and convey their perspectives. I am once again left flabbergasted at what this game managed to accomplish way back in 1997, and it is a depressing testament to this medium how few games have attempt at similar tones in their stories...and I include later entries in the Final Fantasy franchise as part of this criticism.

You see, for all of my bellyaching even I have to admit that something honest and genuine was attempted in the death of Aeris as well as the scenes that followed it. Due diligence and an attention to detail are very evident to me, and I cannot help but praise the designers and writers behind all of this. Do all of the pieces to Final Fantasy VII come together? Absolutely not, and anyone who disagrees is beyond reasoning with. Final Fantasy VII is a tonal wasteland, but when it can get its act together and attempt to convey something truly noble the results are awe inspiring. It doesn’t attempt to pay homage to its past, and instead attempts to try and create its own legacy standing on the laurels of its own accomplishments. When the cast is allowed to shine Final Fantasy VII manages to draw its audience into its fantasy wonderland. You are able to ignore its zanier and untenable moments and actually place yourself into the shoes of its cast. But when Final Fantasy VII fails at this, when it truly fails to convey its humanity, and instead delves deeper into its own lunacy...it’s painful.

Part 89: My Quest for the Missing Cog

The death of Aeris is a sacred cow in the world of video games, and it is my impression that this status is well earned. For this reason it pains me to concede one major factoid as we close this episode. This scene did very little for me both emotionally and narratively. Now for all of the Final Fantasy VII champions out there I ask for your patience before you write to me in fury. Please if you would recognize one incredibly important fact! This scene was never going to mean the same to me as it does to you.

Years on the internet, frequenting video game forums, viewing a myriad of amateur top ten lists, and my own perusing of wikis has stripped me of one very important emotion that you felt when viewing this scene so many years ago: surprise. To assert that surprise is part of what has elevated the death of Aeris to a legendary status is a foregone assertion. Without it instead of feeling the true emotional impact that the creators wanted me feel when witnessing the scene; I was forced to observe it for what it objectively was. Even then, I ended up with a positive opinion of the scene, but I cannot help but feel like something is lost to me forever. As I hopefully have accomplished from my previous section I truly want every single one of you to understand how much I appreciate this scene. But that said this is not my scene.

This is your scene. It is not mine, and it was never going to be.

I can only imagine being an impressionable youth who was barely containing a torment of emotions. I can only envision what it was like to experience Final Fantasy VII in the era of gaming that it was released during. But honestly these are just thought exercises, and I cannot for the life of me separate myself from this fact. Therefore the fault is my own, and not Final Fantasy VII’s. It is a game that has managed to accomplish so much more than what many of the games that I play today have accomplished. It is that which motivate me to see this game to the end, and excited to see what the future has in store for me.

So ladies, gentlemen, and those that identify as neither...I’m back in the game and in it for the long haul. Though I must ask, how are we going to honor the legacy of Aeris?

A large part of me is very glad that every time I've tried to play FFVII again over the years, I've never gotten out of Midgard.

Godspeed!

@sinusoidal: Same? Not sure. I actually started playing this game last year after the omgFFVIIR announcement. Right now I believe I'm in the HQ of that company that runs Midgar (forget the name of them) and the last thing I did was finish that obtuse library puzzle. Part of me wants to go back and continue it, but I was already getting frustrated by the stealth mini game from earlier, and this game seems to have a lot of mini-game BS.

I'd probably be more enticed to return to it if it was more of a straight forward FF game, and dropped all the weird mini-games and side stuff.

I think I'll just continue playing FFXI and FFXIV for now. And to be honest, I think I like more of the newer FF's (from FFXI onwards) than the older ones.

So I didn't play this game growing up, never had a PS1, so it was a number of years after release that I finally got around to it. Honestly, I don't think it has aged well at all. Now I have a lot of patience for the jrpg tropes and pacing that seems to drive you a little crazy, but I had to force myself to finish this one. The puzzles (and objectives) are occasionally obtuse, the mini games are somewhat pointless and bizzare, and the Popeye arms just look silly and really distract me from the more serious tones of the game.

That's why I'm genuinely excited for the remake. I really enjoyed what they were going for but some strange design choices combined with the limited hardware I think hurt my enjoyment of an otherwise good game.

@zombiepie

I just heard you kvetch on deep listens about the keyboard controls. Have you tried a Steam Controller? I wonder if that might help. They are on sale on Steam for 35 bucks right now I think.

They are little weird to get used to, but I find it works ok for turn based games like XCOM 2

I don't know how to respond to the question of "is Zeep the real villain?" Hahaha! Just kidding. The answer is yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

Also, by the way, great writeup. I skipped ahead to the Aeris scene to read your thoughts on that first and I think you've both encapsulated perfectly the spirit of what the game was trying to do and the problems with coming back to that scene twenty years later. I love Final Fantasy VII unabashedly, but even I'm willing to admit that the Internet and time have left it a little less emotionally packed than what I remember. In the late nineties, when no one was attempting this kind of storytelling in the medium, it was astonishing, especially when limited access to the Internet back then rendered it a complete surprise.

I don't know. I'm still not thrilled with what I've seen of the remake, but then I think about what could be done with that scene in particular and I kind of want to see it. I just hope they don't fuck that song up because it's everything to that moment. The graphics don't do the game any favor, but Aeris's theme is a classic and I'd hate to see Square fuck it up by going full overboard on an orchestra or make it too complex or whatever dumb decision they'll inevitably decide to do. If they add lyrics, I'll never buy a copy of it. That's a petty thing to say, but I'm serious.

Pacing issue is always going to exist as long as you give the player a controller and let them walk around in a open/semi open world. Elder Scroll, Mass effect, modern RPG all still have that same issue to a certain extend. I mean no one really wants a timer over their head, the first Valkyrie Profile did it by limiting traveling I think, which turn me away from the game despite glowing reception. Toning down side quests could be another way to keep the player focus, but then you are essentially rooting for less content and question would a corridor type format be better (isn't that what people complain about FF13?) Persona 3 and 4 sort of side step the issue by having the calendar system so there's a solid sense of time passage the player can relate to.

Stop go story telling is just a zoomed out view of the gameplay > story > gameplay > story loop. I mean I can understand the random battles and navigating the world is frustrating but removing dungeon is essentially movie-fying JRPG even more which is also a common complaint against them. Although I do enjoy a lot of the half hour to hour long cut scene game...

Here's a dirty secret...I too know about Aeris' death before playing FF7 for real. In fact I practically know the gist of the entire plot and most of the city/town you visit after turning down the game no less than two times before playing it from begin to end in earnest no less than 2 years after its release. To me the Aeris death scene is influential also to me from an academic level, however the part of the game that I find makes FF7 relevant even today is yet to come.

Your playthrough is doing a pretty great job of selling me on this game, perhaps unintentionally. And oh hey, you got to that one part where Aeris dies. Really interested to see how they're going to translate some of this nonsense over when Final Fantasy VII R happens.

If you think the story in this game is weird and crazy, I still think the you'd get a lot out of Chrono Cross. That game is the culmination of PS1-era SquareSoft's penchant for experimentation and penchant for insane bullshit (all while stepping on the legacy and story of Chrono Trigger), but I'm willing to accept your continued Final Fantasy-based bafflement since that doesn't seem to be an option for you.

It may interest you to know that Jenova is the 2nd of THREE world-devouring alien viruses crashed to earth on a meteor to appear in mid- to late-90s Square properties. She is preceded by Lavos in Chrono Trigger, and followed by whatever the hell those weird ghost things were in The Spirits Within.

Maybe it's a Sakaguchi thing. Can someone who's played his Mistwalker games tell me if there are more Jenovas?

The Advent Children version was pretty understated, though it was also used in a totally different context so maybe revisiting that scene modern Square Enix would just ruin it. I feel the same way as you, if the remake version doesn't just sound like a 1:1 recreation of the original tune using real instruments I'm gonna be upset.

Hope you didn't miss Odin!

Compelling reading anyway! Glad you enjoyed the end of Disc 1 too. It's good to know that it can still inspire genuine emotion after all this time.

Disc 2 is where my love for the game was truly cemented though!

Fuck yeah disk 2!

FFVII Cid is such a wonderful man. Vincent (behind his overly dramatic Shakespearean ways) also has a very interesting story.

Wonderful game.

Since the remake's trailer used the Distant Worlds recording of "Opening Mission," maybe it's possible that they'll just use this too. It's the same arrangement that was originally written for Reunion Tracks.

@drdarkstryfe said:

Thank you so much for posting a picture of literal human garbage on my blog post. God Selphie...I heard she has a blog.

She also likes trains for no damn reason.

There are cool set pieces after Midgar. Rocket Town is cool and the story gets incredibly interesting in the Forgotten Capital. The Forgotten Capital reminded me of Myst so it can't be all that bad! Admittedly, none of these locations are as breathtaking and memorable as Midgar, but they are worth seeing. Even if that means you have to subject yourself to an inane amount of minigames.

The library puzzle in the Shinra HQ is terrible. I honestly just decided to look up the answer on a guide. None of the puzzles in Final Fantasy VII get better by the way! They are just an artifact of the past that I'm glad we have moved on from.

Ever game had 90s era puzzles at some point. It's just a matter of what school of thought the puzzles came from. Final Fantasy VII pulled from the Riven school of thought where you have to painstakingly analyze every pit of the environment and think exactly like the developer in order to solve them. This isn't great, but it is the definition of a headache that is a "product of its time."

When they actually publish this remake I want to see how they handle Cloud being flung into the air by a dolphin, or climbing up the wires to the Shinra HQ. They have so much bullshit to render into HD graphics!

Look man...Final Fantasy VII is a GREAT game, but is it worth an extra $35? I'd rather grouse about the controls than purchase a hunk of plastic I am only going to use two or three times in my life.

#TEAMMOUSEANDKEYBOARDFORLIFE!

READ THE ENTIRE THING YOU LAZY DOLT! I WROTE THIS FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT!

In all seriousness, I respect every bit of Aeris's death scene in Final Fantasy VII. It was a risk that pays massive dividends for the story. It's iconic for a reason. It's gripping and wonderfully told at every moment. However, it is to me "another scene," rather than a formative moment in my video gaming experience. I have played and experienced so many other gaming moments that attempt and succeed at similar messages and tones as it did. The SHODAN reveal in System Shock 2? That's MY scene.

Honestly the Final Fantasy VII remake seems like a win-lose situation for fans. TFans get to watch a game that renders a game that they love in HD graphics, but they lose the context as to why they enjoyed the game in the first place. I mean what can the developers do to add a sense of surprise that DOESN'T cause the internet to riot? My feelings about it are this: everyone should try to play the original Final Fantasy VII at some point in their life at least once. Not everyone should play the Final Fantasy VII Remake. You'd have to be a madman to want to play the original Final Fantasy VII over the remake.

And that is exactly why you should.

I'm open minded that there may be a solution to pacing in open world games. However, I strongly object to categorizing Final Fantasy VII as being a true "open world" game. Maybe @thatpinguino or someone else can chime in, but having an Overworld doesn't immediately qualify you as being "open world" in my book. Stop go storytelling is a bigger issue than what you are making it out to be. There are entire mainline story missions in Final Fantasy VII that fail to build upon the preceding missions or scenes. Entire characters get thrown to the wayside after their "character moments" have completed. I have mentioned that I am reviewing this game with different perspective than someone who played it at the time, but these issues make it incredibly difficult to go back to today.

Aeris's death is influential, but my point is that I am entirely unable to appreciate the scene as I am intended to. This is inherent to playing the game in the year 2016.

Regarding the translation SquareEnix should just start from scratch. It's honestly that bad. I mean...I MEAN WHAT IS THIS:

Real quick regarding Chrono Cross...that was one of the proposals from @thatpinguino for me to play after Final Fantasy VIII. That was back when he was still considering sending me a PlayStation One via snailmail.

IT ALMOST HAPPENED! I HAD TO CONVINCE HIM HOW BAD AN IDEA THAT WOULD BE!

I could be completely off base here but...isn't that the basic premise behind Parasite Eve? I'm not barking up that tree, but I had an old roommate that seemed to believe that Parasite Eve and Ace Combat 4 or 5 were the greatest video games ever created.

BUT THE VOICE ACTING IS SO BAD IN ADVENT CHILDREN!

Someone linked me to the Sephiroth battle and Cloud cut-scenes in Kingdom Hearts...THAT'S SOME VOICE ACTING!

I have all of the possible summons in Final Fantasy VII at this point. I even have Kujata, however I still have no idea which summons are worth equipping and which ones are not.

What makes Odin so special again? I feel like I have asked this question before, but I have already forgotten the answer.

If Vincent is has an "interesting story," then why did the developers hide him behind one of the most painful sidequests in Final Fantasy VII. I had zero fun trying to solve that safe puzzle and fighting Lost Numbers. Then you still need to trek down to the basement of the mansion thus subjecting to a myriad of random encounters. Ying and Yang is such a terrible encounter...GOOD GOD IS IT SO BAD!

@zombiepie: I did read it all, I just skipped ahead to the most pertinent part first. Hold on, I'm gonna fix you some crackers to go with your cheese and WHINE. Hahahahahahahah! Haha. Hah. Whew boy.

This blog is reminding me why I want the remake. I think this game honestly has potential, but some of the poor writing/translation (at least in terms of the main plot) and archaic design just drown it.

Man, I forgot how freaking random FF7 got with its enemy and boss designs. And with its mini games, I had totally forgotten about that digging mini-game.

I think I've harped on this enough, but man I want to see you play FF9. That game doesn't hit the same highs as 7 does (like you said, when 7 nails it it fucking nails it) but there are way fewer random forced minigames (I can think of two, and one is a battle area). Plenty of optional minigame though. Chocobo stuff might drive you up a wall. And in general the story is just more consistent across the experience, so it doesn't hit the same lows as 7 either.

I think I learned about Aeris dying before playing properly playing 7. Honestly, I don't know what "my scene" would be for a video game like that.

Edit: @zombiepie Odin is just cool, and a recurring summon. He has a chance to instant kill enemies, bit it's more miss than hit in my experience.

@zombiepie re: Odin... It's just quite a cool summon. It does have a chance to kill an enemy instantly, but don't ask me for the percentage statistics.

Were people seriously so unanimous in their agreement that Vincent was unmissable? Geez, I feel like I must be missing something. The guy has maybe five unique voice lines outside of his boring side quest!

I'm not salty about the amount of time I wasted getting him as a kid in 1997 without the internet or a strategy guide. Nope.

Oh don't get me wrong I absolute agree that just having a world map isn't enough to be consider a true open world game. However in this case it does provide the possibility for player to wonder around and do something else besides the main quest or enable the developer to add side quests and optional events, but that lead to a discussion of if they should exist to begin with; if it is important why is it optional, if it isn't important why does it exists? Yet if we remove these moving parts we end up with the straight line corridor of a game...which could be good or bad.

I am guessing story not picking up between scenes could depend on what you value or want from a scene, and if expectations are met. The way I see it is that each scene convey everything that they want to say then ends, sometimes perhaps a bit abruptly or a little lackluster, and the game will pick up any loose thread whenever it wants rather than as soon as it can, and won't linger on it. It isn't the prettiest, perhaps missing a few tricks of the trade that modern games have, and it is definitely showing its age. I sort of remember having this issue with FF4.

Characters getting toss aside after their 15 minutes of fame is an issue that really bugs me in subsequent playthrough of the game. To really get down to it only, at most, 4 (more like 2 and 2 halves...) of the characters in your party are truly relevant throughout the game. The funny thing is I see phantom of the same problem in Mass Effect, they hide it a little better, but ME2 recruiting missions, loyalty missions, and resolutions thereafter is pretty much an updated version of this. Down to the limited dialog for active members during a mission. Persona 4 sort of cleverly sidestep the issue again with their social links mechanic where character moments are purposely extended with a clear timeline and when something plot relevant happens everyone is present.

As for Vincent...not story spoiler, more about his relevancy, but just in case: He isn't one of the more relevant character. His character moment is also not core to the mystery and story just like most others, but has ties to it in some interesting ways. Also it is easy to do.

Also Chrono Cross is likely a path to madness base on this reception of FF7.

[I’m sorry, but when did Han Solo join the party?]

In FFXII.

I only played FFVII for the first time recently too and, yeah, those minigames are awful and they just keep throwing them at you. The other meaningless distractions that are actually part of the game's "main" story are similarly awful. But stuff like the end of Disc 1 kept me there, even if I had to drag my feet to get through it in the end.

I kinda hope you'll revisit Advent Children after this. Especially if you didn't see the Director's Cut which is uh... well it's more of whatever that thing was supposed to be.

@cloudymusic:

I am not ready to emerge myself in the world of Final Fantasy soundtrack remixes. It's a dark descent into madness that I have no hopes in winning. Playing the game is already an exercise of my mental capacities.

Unless The Black Mages count, but they really shouldn't. Oh and thanks to whoever linked me to The Black Mages Final Fantasy VII soundtrack! My own mother is going to be jazzercising to One Winged Angel! Thank you for allowing this game to continue to destroy my life!

@sparky_buzzsaw:

THEN YOU GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE AND BUY US A BOX OF FRANZIA!

I'M A CLASSY BOY THAT DRINKS WHAT THE CLASSY PEOPLE DRINK!

WIN IN CARDBOARD BOX!

@kmfrob:

The side-quest to get him is boring, but I was under the impression that the later portions of the game really fill in his origin in an interesting way. Luceria's Cavern is on this piece of binder paper that I wrote on of the side-quests that everyone wanted me to complete.

I can only imagine what it was like to try and solve the vault puzzle without the internet. My condolences for having to subject yourself to 90s era game design.

@soimadeanaccount:

I could be entirely wrong, but wandering around doesn't seem like it's 100% worth my time right now. I'm not entirely sure when it will be either. For the most part when the game transitions to the overworld it is very clear that there is a very specific location that the game wants you to go to. Tonally this is where the game falls flat on its face. The escape from Midgar transitions to the Chocobo Farm. Barret's dramatic story juxtaposes to the Golden Saucer. These transitions should have been more gradual, and I feel confident in saying that there is a solution to that problem.

Final Fantasy VII does a great job in creating a cast that feels mostly distinct. Every person that I have talked to is always able to share a different mix of characters that remain their favorites from the game, and that is praiseworthy. I drives me bonkers that the problems facing Final Fantasy VII's cast are still present in video games today. There has to be a better way.

THE FINAL FANTASY XII REMASTER IS STILL ONLY FOR THE PLAYSTATION 4! THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT!

The game almost knows when it needs to kick its story into high gear. After having to subject yourself to a terrible minigame the characters are allowed to shine in their environment. To be honest I think I like the characters of Final Fantasy VII far more than the overall story...well at least for the characters that I like.

You can't make me watch Advent Children. If I did that then I would have to watch more Final Fantasy anime tie-ins than I am willing to watch. Practically every game post-PlayStation One has an anime tie-in of some sort. So no thank you.

The side-quest to get him is boring, but I was under the impression that the later portions of the game really fill in his origin in an interesting way. Luceria's Cavern is on this piece of binder paper that I wrote on of the side-quests that everyone wanted me to complete. Are my notes wrong?

I can only imagine what it was like to try and solve the vault puzzle without the internet. My condolences for having to subject yourself to 90s era game design.

@thatpinguino will not allow me to NOT play Final Fantasy IX. However, the hype is starting to become unreal. It is without a doubt one of the most recommended games that I play, besides Final Fantasy VII that is. I hope that the game truly is all that you have made it out to be.If you wanted to know the allegiances of the other mods on the site @sparky_buzzsaw is in TeamFFX and @mento is in TeamFFXII

That said there's one big problem facing Final Fantasy IX that I do not think I am prepared for. I don't think I'm ready for an almost perfect Final Fantasy game. I think part of my enjoyment thus far has been schadenfreude as well as riffing based. These games have such half-baked and unusual stories that I don't know if a tonally cohesive Final Fantasy game is something that I want or am looking forward to.

Final Fantasy IX might be too perfect for me.

@quarters said:

Here's a question that I'm still struggling with. I don't believe that it has a clean-cut answer.

Should someone's first impression of Final Fantasy VII involve no random encounters, turn-based combat, or minigames?

I think you have to at least try to play the original version of the game at least once. If you can't stand its outdated mechanics or sensibilities then it's completely valid to try the remake, but you can't start at the remake by default.

@zombiepie: Hey, I'm Team Tactics all the way. I just think XII is underrated.

@zombiepie:Especially you should know better cheering that FFXII isn't on steam yet. You know you're going to see that banner on Steam soon :)

Also, TeamFFX.

@zombiepie: well, I don't know if I would say perfect. 9 has it's frustrating quirks, some weird balancing and the worst limit break system in the series. But I think you'll enjoy it, but you're right. The hype is getting too strong, and we 9 fanatics are just setting it up to fail.

If you disliked the random encounters in 7, you'll hate 9 even more. It's a beautiful game aesthetically which holds up today, but those battles are garbage and the story is whatever.

@zombiepie I guess I can get why people would think the Vincent/cavern stuff was unmissable. I'm just constantly baffled by peoples absolute love for a character who has so little to him. I mean, sure, I love Yuffie and she's just an angry rebellious teen archetype plus ninja, but she has consistently great moments like threatening to beat Cid's face in after he acts horribly towards Shera. Vincent is just a guy who stands there and doesn't say anything ever. He's stoic and gives no shits, sure, but I don't get the appeal of that. Maybe it's just me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

On the subject of XI I would admittedly be interested to see your criticisms of what is considered to be one of the games that has reputedly held up the best over the years. That and VI (III in the US) are both consistently popular across the board, but lord knows that they're not perfect, and probably fall down more than most of us remember.

On the other hand if you feel like subjecting yourself to torture on a grand scale, then X. Just... X. I know that game has its die hard supporters but I believe it to be actively worse than VIII. The early PS2 voice acting sure doesn't help it, not one bit, and the cast is so weak it has a character who's pretty much a Red XIII clone with even less personality or backstory. How do you manage that?

Oh, but I will say that you missed a bug that would have potentially ruined a moment in the game for you. I totally forgot until just now. When everyone's mourning over Aeris at the end of disk 1, and Vincent is in your party... well, let's just say that he was so close to being left on the cutting room floor that his animation wasn't finished for the scene. It's better seen than explained. https://youtu.be/-JqMgYYbKQc

@zombiepie: That's an interesting question. I feel like having played the original version of FFVII, my appreciation for the remake will likely be increased (I don't really get nostalgia). However, by the same token, I've had other scenarios with remakes work out as well. On one hand, you have something like Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes. I actually quite enjoy TTS, prefer it even, to the PS1 version, though I played the original version first. However, I think they both have their merits. On the other hand, I have only played the remake of Resident Evil 1 all the way through, and only spent a few minutes with the original version. In that case though, I've always felt fully satisfied with the new one, because it feels more consistent with the larger series. I've never had a desire to really dig in and play the original all the way through.

I think that theme of consistency is the most important thing to me. I like The Twin Snakes because it feels more consistent with the rest of the series and I like the Resident Evil remake for the same reasons. I feel like the FFVII remake is going to be infinitely more consistent with things like Advent Children (weird, but an alright ending to the story), Crisis Core (which is actually pretty good), or Dirge of Cerberus (a freakin' weird addendum that the series didn't need that ends on a completely unresolved cliffhanger). Due to that, it's instantly more appealing to me.

In the end, I think it has to be taken on a case by case basis. Depends on what a person wants out of the game. If you want to experience why FFVII is culturally significant, you should play the original. If you want to experience the story in a way that gels with the rest of the series established since FFVII came out, I think the remake will be more than enough.

@sparky_buzzsaw@quarters@mechamarshmallow@mikachops@beforet@onemanarmyy@teddie@soimadeanaccount@kmfrob@hassun@drdarkstryfe@theblue@dankempster@slag@arbitrarywater@thatpinguino@encephalon@TechnoSyndrome@dudeglove@rebel_scum@wchigo@geraltitude@lawgamer

Hey everyone, how are you doing? Now this mass notification is to inform you that the Steam version of Final Fantasy VII has officially "broken" me. It finally broke me. KO, I am a shadow of my former self. In fact, I am currently dealing with a bit of an existential crisis right now. What is true happiness? Is there a God? Why am I here? Who am I? What did I do to deserve this Sisyphean torment?

What in the world could have induced this crisis? Well I'm glad you asked! I got to the snowboarding minigame in Final Fantasy VII! Yeah about that....Now I understand that the snowboarding minigame is notorious. I got that bit loud and clear. I understand that on a controller this minigame is untenable. BUT...WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

So I may be considering using a controller from this point forward. Is a controller legitimately going to remove my control based frustrations related to the game? These minigmaes were always terrible, right? There's no universe where this was ever good, or controlled well? Do these controls look go to other people? Am I wrong in saying that this is the worst thing I have ever seen in a Final Fantasy game?

AM I GOING CRAZY? AM I ACTUALLY LOSING MY MIND?

@zombiepie:The keyboard controls are horrible, and they were even worse on the original PC port. This is not anything that anyone who has actually tried to play that way will dispute. The game was made for gamepad and it does control much better with it IMO - but there's no fixing the minigames! Some are better than others, I replayed FF7 recently and the motorbike minigame was actually not all that bad, but snowboarding, I don't think that one was ever good.

I bought Assassin's Creed 1 on PC before I owned a gamepad, and to this day I remember it as the worst game I've ever played.

Steam clocked me at 83 minutes. I wouldn't blame you if you quit immediately after seeing those controls.

@zombiepie: Oh man, that snowboard section. IIRC you get dumped out into a really open snowfield right after that, and it's a pain to tell where you're supposed to go.

Also I haven't read any of these write ups of yours until now, and I don't know why I didn't sooner. This was fantastic to read and I'll be going back to catch up on the rest you've posted.

edit: Fun fact, I got FFVII by trading games with a friend. He got my copy of Virtual On for the Dreamcast. On retrospect, this trade was not in my favor.

I don't think you need to "win" in the snowboarding game right? but I think different path will lead you to different part of the map...good luck navigating that area :p

There's still one more somewhat major minigame some ways ahead of you I think. You want to "win" that one if possible. It was easy with the controller, can't say for certain about keyboard and mouse.

@zombiepie: I actually remember having some issues with using a controller regardless (it just lists default "BUTTON 1" prompts instead of "PageUp" or whatever, which is miserable to keep track of), and I had to mess around with JoyToKey to even get all the buttons working (FFVII didn't have analogue support, and I think that was causing some issues?) I dunno, maybe they've patched it since then?

But uh hey, it's not like you'd just be buying a controller for FFVII, you still have so many other FF games you can use it for!

This and Aeris' Death both rocked my adolescent gamer nerd life. The horror and realization of that moment in SS2 was shit-inducing.

Snowboarding aside, you are in for some real interesting times in Disc 2 and 3. Also, be smart and get your GP in the golden saucer from playing Super Dunk instead of the dumb snowboarding game. :) Don't get me wrong, the ability to replay and unlock harder snowboarding courses is sorta fun, IF you are just screwing around and like snowboarding. My first playthrough of the game when it came out, I was AMAAAAAZED by the snowboarding feature. I played that mini-game a lot, but it was 1999 and it was the first time I'd played FFVII on my PC. When I replayed FFVII (and actually beat it for the first time) earlier this year, I was more than content to just muddle through the snowboarding part that you have to play in the Icicle Inn area.

@mikachops: @beforet: @shodan2020: @dudeglove: @atomicoldman: @mavs: @mechamarshmallow: @sparky_buzzsaw@mento@quarters

@zombiepie: Oh dear lord!

@zombiepie: To answer a question you posed earlier, the minigames always controlled like trash, but I have no idea what the fuck is going on with those PC controls. If you have a USB controller of any kind that is mappable, I think you should give it a shot and see if it plays better.

@zombiepie: I'd like to see you just use a gamepad but seeing you struggle so much with these shitty controls is giving me so much life.

I'm wondering exactly how much (or little) of a reaction you will have to some of the later reveals in the game. Some of them are quite good but I'm not sure how much of that is nostalgia and how much is because it is actually good. I know you'll never play it but I really enjoyed Crisis Core and felt that it gave appropriate backstory to basically a side-character from VII. It's amazing how much of an emotional reaction that game got out of me considering the fate of the protagonist was already known.

I wouldn't have necessarily put Vincent into the unmissable category, but I think quite a bit of the backstory around his character is fairly interesting and provides more details into some facetes of the story that is worthwhile.

I really enjoy IX and I think it's the most replayable of the PS1-era Final Fantasy games. I wouldn't really label it as near perfect despite how much I enjoyed it. Shit got crazy at the end too, in a "we're off the rails now boys!" kinda way, and to this day I can't quite understand why it went that way considering the game was fairly logical up until then.

@dudeglove: Yes, I know that. Is it absolutely critical to get that information? If it were, I don't think Square would've made Vincent or his side story thing as optional as they are. Therefore, I maintain that it's great lore/backstory but that's simply all it is. My opinion and I completely understand if folks disagree, which is likely the case.

That being said, it is cool and I am glad that I have encountered those scenes.

@theblue: @TechnoSyndrome: @encephalon: @arbitrarywater: @hassun: @slag: @sparky_buzzsaw: @kmfrob: @beforet: @quarters: @onemanarmyy: @mento: @mavs: @soimadeanaccount: @teddie: @shodan2020: @mechamarshmallow: @atomicoldman: @mikachops: @dudeglove: @wchigo:

Okay...we have ANOTHER problem. This is my problem:

I cannot for the life of me succeed at the Corel train mission. The train crashes into the village. There's a giant explosion. Everyone is dead. Barret is sad and depressed. Everyone is fucking dead. I killed everyone including Barret's dreams. Shame on me...SHAME!

As of right now I have failed the mission...three times. I think I have it in me to try this one more time, but that's maybe it. Honestly how critical is it to get all of the Huge Materia? Do you all think it is a requirement for a "proper" play-through of Final Fantasy VII? Can I just get the "bad" ending? If it's honestly really important I will bang my head against this wall until I am a bloody stump.

These are the controls for the stopping the train bit at the end that I keep fucking up:

What's the quickest way to kill the two robots on the train? Are they weak against lightning? Can someone hold me?

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!OH GOD SOMEONE HELP ME!

@zombiepie said:

As of right now I have failed the mission...three times. I think I have it in me to try this one more time, but that's maybe it. Honestly how critical is it to get all of the Huge Materia? Do you all think it is a requirement for a "proper" play-through of Final Fantasy VII? Can I just get the "bad" ending? If it's honestly really important I will bang my head against this wall until I am a bloody stump.

These are the controls for the stopping the train bit at the end that I keep fucking up:

What's the quickest way to kill the two robots on the train? Are they weak against lightning? Can someone hold me?

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!OH GOD SOMEONE HELP ME!

Well for starters, completing that successfully gets you the Ultima Materia, so you probably want to successfully complete it. You can still get it if you fail this part, but you have to buy it IIRC. Getting all of the Huge Materia later on gets you Bahamut Zero, which you probably want to get it as well.

Here's a Guide to the train mission. And this page on Gamefaqs has some good advice on how to do the lever portion. Good luck!

@cav829: Yeah...I'm still not using a controller and all of the instructions on both of those guides use the PlayStation controller. If it's honestly just a few items I may just pass.

@zombiepie: Looking at some guides the key seems to be to pick either both "ups" or both "downs" and pressing them simultaneously when you get to the end. As for the enemies...

How's your Enemy Skill Materia doing?

@zombiepie: optional content that makes winning the game easier, doesn't affect the ending afaik.

A proper playthough imo is whatever you enjoy doing. There isn't a "right way" to play FF7 although given that's it's pretty linear it's hard to deviate too much.

If you are feeling ok with the challenge of the game (by that I mean boss fights) so far, skip it. If need be you can always grind levels/gold later. FF games generally always have the option of just powerleveling your way through but that does take extra time.

Those KB&M controls sound just awful.