<----- Parts 1-8

Part 0: A Little Introduction from Your Author

Dear readers I wish to express a story to you that acts as a caricature of my latest session with Final Fantasy VIII. Back when I was a freshman in college and was habituated in the college dorms I had a roommate that we will call “Arnold.” You see Arnold was one of those “straight edge” types and was really into working out, lifting weights, and refraining from the consumption of both alcohol and tobacco products. So let’s talk about one unusual character quirk that Arnold had. If Arnold did not sleep for at least six hours his body would behave as if it was intoxicated. So flash forward to the penultimate night before Winter Break and it is maybe two in the morning. I spent the night making about fifty chocolate dipped coconut macaroons for all of the people in my dorm, and I made them with a female compatriot who will go unnamed. Well Arnold you see had gone to a concert and arrived from the event as we just pulled the macaroons out of the oven, and he was clearly “tired drunk.” Well my female compatriot and I decided to have some fun with Arnold. We offered him two macaroons; now before I continue I wish to inform you that we did not make dainty ass macaroons. Conservatively I would estimate that each macaroon was approximately 150 to 200 calories each. So Arnold ate the two cookies quickly and this is where the trick begins, we asked Arnold to go ahead and have his second macaroon. Arnold, being “tired drunk,” excitedly said yes.

We repeated this, and by the time we had stopped Arnold had eaten around a dozen macaroons. We kept coercing him into having another macaroon whilst concealing the true number he had eaten to him. When he asked how many macaroons he had previously consumed we would always answer “two,” and then would state that we were insulted that he didn’t want to eat another one. Anyways let's just say that the morning after Arnold did not have any breakfast.

So dear readers why am I telling you this story from my college days? Why that is because @thatpinguino is me during the "macaroon incident," and I am Arnold. Why is that the case? Because @thatpinguino tricked me into playing four and a half hours of Final Fantasy VIII, when I only wanted to play two, AND I AM PISSED!

Part 9: Someone Responsible with the PC Port of This Should Be Punched

Alright so before we go onto my recent adventures we need to address the big elephant in the room from the previous episode: junctioning. For those of you that read the first episode of this you may recall that I had a fleeting grasp on how to junction in large part due to the PC controls. Through brute force I figured out how to junction and the series of button presses you must input when you are on the junction page. For those that are curious it goes like this:

• X (to select the person) -> X (to select the GF) -> S (to bring of the list of possible abilities) -> X (to decided where the GF is going to be junctioned) -> C (to bring up the command list).

Now I wish to bring you back to the in-game guide for the controls that I referenced during the last episode as well:

So maybe you can see why I was having issues with the junction screen. If you are not able to locate what the problem is I first want to ask you if you can find the S-key on the guide. Yeah, the guide indicates that the S-key is supposed to be the button that engages Triple Triade matches. Now this is MY BAD because Quistis does indeed indicate during her tutorial that you should use the S-key to bring up the abilities list when junctioning. Whatever, because what I am more perturbed by is related to the C-key. Now go back to that image and look-up what the C-key is used for.

That’s correct, the C-Key is SUPPOSED to be the “cancel” button. HOWEVER in this one instance it is the “BRING UP THE COMMAND LIST,” button. Do you want to know what the cancel button is when you are on the last junctioning screen prior to brining up the command list? It’s the X-key, which 99% of the time is the GODDAMNED SELECT BUTTON. But in this one goddamned case the designers decided that the X-key and C-key should switch places because “Command” starts with the letter-C. So here I was just jamming away at the X-key thinking it was going to bring up the command list when reality all I was doing was telling the game to navigate to the previous screen. All I can say is that this PC port was done by garbage people that have never used a computer before. Also, stop asking me to just plug in a controller because I don't have one that can do that.

So that’s done and dead. Let’s get onto the summary detailing what I was able to accomplish on Monday, because boy howdy…we have a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT to talk about today.

Part 10: Setting up the SeeD Exam

So I’m still a little bewildered by the premise of both the garden and SeeD, and please bear with me if the game answers all of these questions later in the story. Also, no spoilers please. If anything just consider the following few paragraphs the ravings of a crazy person.

So I get that this is some sort of military academy that shares a great deal of independence from the other governing forces in the world of Final Fantasy VIII. Now what doesn’t make sense is…well everything else. For example after you complete the lava cave you are immediately greeted by Headmaster Cid, who as his title might suggest is the commandant of SeeD…or oh wait is it just this garden? Anyways normally, and I may be incorrectly applying real life logic here, headmasters of military academies are like high ranking officials from a specific branch of the military.

The problem is that Cid looks like a regular dude, and NOT even a current member of SeeD. In fact, as many people have already pointed out, he looks like Robin Williams. Why is Robin Williams the one to tell me how act on the battlefield when he looks like a substitute teacher you can find at any old public school? I mean he looks like he could barely do a single chin-up! I mean at least Quistis is established as being a prodigy of SeeD so you have some sense of respect for her when she tries to help and assist her students, but this?. Who is this guy?

Additionally, and I'll try to refrain from getting too hypercritical, our exam is fighting in a battle during a war. How do you grade that? Does SeeD have cameras all over the battlefield just spying on the students watching them perform? Does SeeD have some sort of Ministry of Truth that is always observing the students' every movement and action? Are there instructors secretly shadowing their students to see what they do during the battle, and then do nothing when their students are in extreme danger? Or, are they just relying on the testimonies of all of the students participating in this exam? That sounds like a terrible idea, and I can tell you that as a teacher. Another thing, how is this school preventing students from being maimed or even killed during this exam? Oh my God…this is the worst school in video game history! I challenge anyone to name a school that is worse than this. Whoever accredited this school clearly was paid off.

Part 11: I Met Zell

This game has a cast full of nightmare people. Please send help.

Part 12: Off to the Battlefield, or Oh Wait Exam, No Wait Both?

So the game has a quick little story moment with Squall, Zell, Seifer, and finally Quistis as they are being transported to their "exam." Now the whole point of this scene is to establish that Squall is an emotionless blob with no redeeming qualities, because that’s how I felt by the time the scene ended. The problem that I have with Squall is that he completely fails to engage other cast members as a human being. Twice he responded to other characters with an ellipses, and worse yet he shows no form of self-motivation when interacting with others. He’s just in this state of self-loathing once the scene starts with no clear indication as to why that is the case. I would be fine with an angsty teenager as my protagonist, but the game has to actually build up that angsty teenager up as a character and take the time to provide them with an "arc." Final Fantasy VIII has failed to do this up to this point so yeah Squall comes across as this blob of nothingness.

The rest of the cast does not bode well with me either. Zell is the goofy comic-relief sidekick that oftentimes lets his emotions get the better of him. Siefer is clearly established as being a villainous inversion of Squall. Let me make one prediction right now regarding Siefer: Siefer will fall to the dark side because he doesn't want to play by the rules, and feels like an organization like SeeD is holding him back because he's confident that he is already destined for greatness? Then finally you have Quistis…and I have no idea what her character arc is right now. Honestly the game has yet to be really forthcoming as to what any of these characters are feeling or thinking, so I’ll give the game more time before I pass judgement on Quistis’s characterization.

Oh real quick I have to complain about the PC controls again. Now I know that a lot of you are tired about me complaining about this stuff, but I promise to be real quick about this one. First I want you to guess what YOU THINK the controls are for vehicles in this game are!

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Alright here’s the answer:

That’s right dear readers…the S-key is forward, the C-key is backwards, the X-key is exit the vehicle, and the F-key allows you to change the POV. Alright look here Game…what are you trying to do to me, give me an aneurism? You keep telling me that the S-key is for starting a Triple Triade match, and the C-key is cancel! Now the C-key is go backwards, and the X-key is exit? I’m looking at my keyboard and I’m noticing that “S” and “C” don’t even freaking touch each other. Why would you not just default with the arrow keys? Why am I asking a video game to have control consistency?

Part 13: We are Going to War…I Guess?

Now for any concerned users that have been following me I want for you to know that I do understand how the “drawing system” in Final Fantasy VIII works. This is in large part thanks to my Final Fantasy VIII Sherpa thatpinguino. As it stands each member of my motley crew has a junctioned GF with at least ten to fifteen casts of “Cure” at their disposal. I'll talk more about my feelings about the drawing system as I go, but right now I would say that I find the system annoying, but inoffensive. The only criticism that I will share about drawing is that I wished that it was more like Pokemon. Essentially what I am asking for are stations that immediately replenish all of my spells up to a certain point for all of my party members. Certainly there are draw points, but those are all over the place and only replenish a single spell.

Speaking of the gameplay, I guess I should thank the game for having the first handful of battles with the Galbadian army be easy, and as such allow for a little experimentation on my part. I would also like to thank the army of Galbadia for sending their D-Tier soldiers to the Siege of Dollet. That is good news for Squall and company, because as you can see here SeeD didn’t exactly have the best general in charge of re-securing the town:

Anyways I get that this is a test and all but that leads to more questions than answers for me. What happens when there aren't a lot of wars going on? What happens when the world of Final Fantasy VIII achieves world peace? Is there an alternative test for the potentially hundreds of students that no longer are able to graduate? Or what happens when there's a massive economic depression and no one can afford to pay SeeD their asking price? Does that mean that everyone has to take a gruelling multiple choice test to figure out who is ready to murder for money? WHY AM I ASKING THESE QUESTIONS?

Part 14: I Met Selphie (Again?)

This game has a cast full of nightmare peop...oh wait a minute I already made that joke.

Anyways how has Selphie managed to survive this battle if she is established as being klutz? In the background there are sounds of gunshots and artillery fire booming. Was it really appropriate to have her introduction be her tripping and falling in the middle of a warzone? Also, you can’t have a second comic-relief character when you just gave me Zell ten minutes ago! Firstly, because that is character redundancy! Secondly, this cast IS GOING TO DRIVE ME INSANE!

Part 15: This is a Radio Tower of Great Importance…I Think?

So the party finally arrives to a giant radio tower of great importance because of something. This also leads me to another major problem that I have with this sequence. WHERE IS EVERYONE ELSE? In the very first scene leading up to this sequence it was suggested that Squall's group was the last of a number of squads seeking to pass the SeeD exam. So did everyone decide to give up and wait for the next SeeD exam, because this battle was too difficult? Squall is honestly behind enemy lines in a matter of minutes and there is no one around him besides his party. Man if I was the governor or President that paid SeeD money to save my town I would be PISSED. Here you are expecting the best of the best and instead you get this army of untrained teenagers that immediately start cowering in the nearest coffee shop when confronted by danger. Or you get a lot of Siefers that just charge straight into the enemy and die immediately.

Anyways you end up fighting Biggs and Wedge Antilles. There's really nothing to say about this battle other than mentioning how inconsequential it is. Actually let's talk about that and why this battle should not be here! This is the FIRST of THREE boss battles. By itself this fight is easy, but compound this battle with the next two and it becomes a complete wash and waste of time. Sure you can draw some magic from them, but there are going to big two big boss battles immediately after them, so why have this fight in the first place?

Part 16: BOSS BATTLE WITH HELLSPAWN TIME!!!

I’m going to be honest with you and just say that I died the first time I fought this boss. There were a couple of major mistakes that I made though. Firstly I forgot to use my limit breaks which I know was a critical mistake. Secondly, whilst trying to revive a downed party member I accidentally used a Phoenix Down on the boss and I don't think you are supposed to do that. So, apologies to Zell for that. Finally, I forgot to assign one of my junctions to have the ability to cast magic. All in all my first encounter with this boss went poorly, and as a result you can officially put a "1" on my "DEATH COUNTER."

So that first loss is on me and not the game. However, between that and my successful second attempt I came to a startling realization that rocked me: THESE BOSS BATTLES ARE REALLY LONG! It doesn't help that I have to do the battle with Biggs and Wedge all over again on top of fighting this demon hellspawn. What really grinds my gears is how this monster has way more health in comparison to the previous battles I have encountered up to this point. This is the second real boss and the game just decided to exponentially jump the difficulty by the power of three. Now before any of you ask, YES I did cast “draw” on the boss demon in order to steal Siren from it.

As for the battle itself I played it really conservative on my second go. I attacked with summons whenever possible, and used draw to cast “Cure” whenever one of my party members got into the “danger zone.” The unintended consequence of this is that it elongated the battle by a good twenty minutes. You combine my low damage levels on top of the ridiculous summon times in this game, and it ended up feeling like a slog. Compound this with the fact that I am a Final Fantasy neophyte and the results are that my nerves are starting to shatter. Luckily for me nerves I finally did beat the evil hellspawn from parts unknown and rushed to save my game.

Then the game broke me.

Part 17: The Robot Spider of Doom - Or the Moment Final Fantasy VIII Broke Me

This boss just completely exhausted me. Not only is this the THIRD boss battle in a row, but it is also one of the most annoying confrontations that I have ever experienced in a video game. Luckily Zell came to the rescue by still having Thunder Chicken at his disposal, and in this games’ elemental strength/weakness system machines are luckily weak to electricity.

Now…whoever planned the sequence of events for this part of the game is a bad person. WHO THINKS IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO DO A BOSS RUSH IN THE SECOND OR THIRD SET PIECE IN A GAME? WHO?! WHY?! Now put a time limit on this final boss battle, and you've got me sweating bullets! Anyways what makes this whole confrontation worse is how quickly the Robot Spider of Doom recovers from its damage. You put in like five to seven minutes of trying to knock this fucker down and it gets up in maybe...four seconds only to attack you again and start an entirely new battle all over again.

Add insult to injury using the menu to heal or tinker with your junctions COUNTS AS YOUR TIME!!! I’m trying to get a breather and this game won’t stop punching me in the gut! Additionally my Sherpa later informs me that there is a secret way to avoid fighting the Robot Spider of Doom THAT THE GAME NEVER INDICATES IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM! I must concede that I never “died” at the hands of the Robot Spider of Doom, but that doesn't mean that I was looking forward to fighting this stupid thing four times!

When I finally reach the beach Quistis has the genius idea of using a machine gun to blow the Robots Spider of Doom to the pits of Hell. Which I should be applauding, but inside causes me to rage a torment of flames. Some test Quistis...was a giant goddamned robot spider on your rubric?

Part 18: Can Someone Teach Me What Emotions are, Because I Can’t Feel Anymore

Here's my SeeD score:

I will attempt to provide humorous commentary when my brain is not fried. Is a SeeD rank of five good or bad? You know what, don't answer that because I honestly have zero fucks to give anymore. I just don't really care because I'm just happy that this is over and done with. Oh wait…there’s one thing that I want to talk about during this interlude, and it’s shit like this:

Selphie is literally jumping for joy at the prospect of being a mercenary. Zell is excited about being a child soldier that will at some point be ordered to kill people. What the fuck kind of world is this? Are they just excited about getting money, or is my party actually populated by psychopaths that want to kill? I have to go back to the point that I have now made a number of times: these are nightmare people! These characters are not behaving like human beings, because real human beings do not act like this when it comes to joining the military or in this case a mercenary group. I’m oddly enough starting to see why Squall does not want to talk to any of these people…oh no I really have lost my sanity. I'm starting to agree with Squall!

I should now mention that it was at this point that I WANTED to stop playing Final Fantasy VIII, but instead @thatpinguino kept goading me to keep on going. I listened to him because I trusted that the next few scenes would be worth it. They were not.

Part 19: Dance Dance Revolution…Also Squall is a Dick

The game then has a dance sequence because the game needed yet another scene where Squall acts like a soulless irredeemable asshole to everyone around him. I got so fed up with this that I actually had Squall agree to help Selphie out with whatever committee she asked me to join. Look game writers, I know you want to be really edgy because this game was being made in the late nineties, but you have been pushing it a little too hard with Squall. How do I know this? Well because I am starting to feel that Squall has no redeeming characteristics and as a result want him to not talk whenever he interacts with another character. This is your protagonist, and this is how I already feel about him!

Then Squall meets up with…someone. It's the female character that the introduction cut to in very beginning. So one last thing about that; did Squall also see those quick smash cuts to this character as well, or was that just something that I, the player, saw? I ask because this scene seems to suggest that Squall and whoever this is have some sort of confused or unknown history between each other that the game does not want to reveal right now. Anyways Squall is a dick to her but she forces him to dance in a scene that I can only call “fanservice.” I mean this scene is only here to look cool and impress people who like Final Fantasy, but for me it’s just kind of here. Maybe I would have cared if there were characters that I knew or cared about?

Part 20: I Hate Quistis, but I Hate Squall Even More

I was honestly going to call it after the dance sequence but then Quistis told me that she wanted to show me a "Secret Area." Prior to that Quistis starts to convey some feelings towards Squall, and I'll be honest with you I side with Squall on this one. Quistis is an adult as well as an instructor, and personally I find this entire scene creepy. So I'm really confused at what the purpose of this scene is when this happened:

How many different systems are there in this game? HOW MANY? HOW MANY MORE TUTORIALS ARE THERE?! HOW MANY MORE UNINTUITIVE SCREENS ARE IN THIS GAME! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Before you ask...you bet your ass that I sped through this. Whatever, I'll deal with it when it becomes necessary to understand the importance of this mechanic, which I am betting will be the T-Rex enemy that Quistis referenced when she first met and started talking to Squall. Fine...I'll fight a T-Rex let's find this "Secret Area" so I can get some more of Squall being an asshole characterization.

BUT WAIT! I have to fight through an army of plant monsters to get there! That's not a "Secret Area" Quistis. That's a "we designed this labyrinthine practice room and decided to put a room where you can get a break from all of these monsters Area." Anyways it just so happens that you draw the magic that Quisitis mentioned will easily defeat the T-Rex. So it's going to be a "tutorial boss," awesome thanks for that game!

So we get through all of this bullshit and lo and behold I was right! Squall is a total asshole to Quistis when she shares with him that she has lost her position as an instructor in SeeD. He's standoffish and fails to comfort her when clearly she just wants some words of assurance during a time of stress. It's a Squall-ass Squall sequence and results in the unintended consequence of me being completely incapable of relating or understanding Squall's angst. I mean Jesus Squall Quistis is ONLY one year older than you!

How is Quistis a still a teenager? I...what? Who designed these characters? How old is headmaster Robin Williams, twenty one? How about all of those weird robed people? Are they secretly just three kids standing on each others shoulders?

This game is actually set IN HELL! A Hell where the world is run by teenagers! I'm sorry but I can't...I just can't anymore, this BLOG IS DONE!