Part 95: Squall Let’s His Squeeze Get Thrown in Prison

So last time we talked, Rinoa had a tender moment with Squall after revealing that she had essentially become the “wicked sorceress of the west,” and this “tender” moment just so happened to take place in space, whilst a horribly sappy pop ditty played. Once our star-struck lovers landed their spacecraft they were immediately accosted by the Esthar authorities. These authorities immediately informed them that for the world’s “safety” Rinoa must be arrested and sealed away for all of eternity. Despite their previous moment in space only five minutes ago, Squall suddenly decides that now is NOT the time to convince Rinoa NOT to go into prison where she will be sealed away for her entire life. I am sorry, but WHAAAAAT? I thought we were beyond this shit! Squall loves Rinoa, and those feelings are reciprocated on multiple occasions in the spaceship scene! We just had a ham-fisted and heavy-handed relationship scene where all of this was clearly established and laid out for the viewers! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU SQUALL? Rinoa and Squall clearly are in a relationship, and everyone knows this as a FACT…except for Squall apparently.

The game honestly spent around two to three hours of MY TIME establishing that getting Rinoa out of her coma was PRIORITY NUMBER ONE! Squall was literally running with Rinoa in his hands to Esthar, which was over a mile away from his previous location. He floated in the void of space in order to save Rinoa from certain death. Now that Rinoa is finally awake and doing well…Squall just lets her go. Rinoa is off to prison and Squall barely flinches when given the opportunity to stop this from happening. What is even happening anymore?

Now dear readers, this is what I like to call “inconsistent characterization,” and this is a PLAGUE that continues to spoil many of the story beats of Final Fantasy VIII that I have actually liked. Can we all just collectively stop, and recall how Squall threw an honest to goodness hissy fit in an escape pod in outer space because he could not accept that Rinoa was doomed to die? During which he stated verbatim “GOD! RINOA IS GONNA DIE!” as well as “I’ve never felt this way in my life.” So what happened to change your mind Squall? Did you suddenly develop cold feet? Did you realize your babies with Rinoa would look hideous? Why are you letting any of this happen? I have a cynical answer that many of you will not like. Are you ready for this?

This is all happening just for the sake of a CGI cutscene where Squall “releases” Rinoa from prison. That is the only logical answer that I was able to think of. The logic for Squall’s behavior and his decision-making during this specific sequence is so bad that even Quistis calls out Squall for being an idiot!

Oh, and by the way the rest of the party just happens to be able to locate exactly where Squall was…again. I have not mentioned this before, but this is about the eighth time that they have managed to accomplish this. What happens is that either Squall goes it alone or the party is separated, and somehow they all are just able to relocate each other in a matter of minutes. Fine, if this game does not care to explain how this is possible, then I cannot be fucked to care as well. I am not going to bother to extrapolate upon how knowing how everyone comes back together would be compelling content worth seeing. The reason for that is that the game stopped giving a shit about any of the secondary cast since disc two!

Do I sound more vindictive than my previous entries? Yeah well it is finally starting to settle in that I have been playing this game on and off since July of 2015. Every time that I play this game, and have to write an obligatory blog about it, a part of me just dies inside. Final Fantasy VIII is kind of like the black tar in cigarettes. It is the life killing shit that stays in your lungs for the rest of your life.

Part 96: Oh That’s Right, I Forgot that This Game had a “Cast!”

Yeah so, Zell is here as well, and I have no idea how that happened. He was nowhere near Quistis and somehow they all just arrive in this mysterious pink spaceship at the same time…a mysterious pink spaceship that they all just assumed that Squall was located inside…sure, that makes perfect sense to me. Listening to Zell reveals that the Lunatic Pandora is here to fuck up everyone’s day. It has somehow created a bridge between the monster moon and Esthar. The result of this is that the moon is now inundating Esthar with bloodthirsty monsters that are killing thousands of people by the hour. Yeah…this game is weird. Now how Zell actually knows all of this information is beyond me. Last time I saw Zell I seem to recall him asking Dr. Odine to shut up, and demanded that he just tell him where he needed to punch the Lunatic Pandora, thus preventing me from ever knowing what the Lunatic Pandora was. So somehow…he just knows all of this information about the Lunatic Pandora all of the sudden. It’s okay Zell, I’ll keep your secret that you know all of this information in order to provide story exposition…your secret is safe with me.

Now despite the fact that the world is being torn asunder Squall’s dic-, oh no wait I mean his MIND, is still completely focused on Rinoa being sent to prison. So now the story is having him backtrack on his backtrack of a backtrack regarding his feelings towards Rinoa. What a wonderful story. As already mentioned the game has the common decency to have Quistis and Zell call out Squall on his bullshit. This is a nice touch, but you almost wish that Quistis and Zell were meaningful characters whose words actually mattered.

Oh, and do not even get me started about how no one in this party matters anymore besides Squall and Rinoa. All of you that told me that Zell, Quistis, Irvine, and/or Selphie (bleh!) are your “favorite” characters in Final Fantasy VIII are cuckoo for Coco-Puffs. None of those characters ever end up getting a story arc! There is honestly nothing to root for with these characters! Only a scant handful of them even are provided the opportunity to progress as characters. Likewise, do not even think about citing Selphie as a counter-example! As I already talked about two episodes ago, the game fucks up the destruction of Trabia completely! In fact, let us do a quick re-cap on where all of the secondary party members stand at this point:

Character Name	Character Summary	Character Progression
	Zell is still a doofus that likes to punch things. The game reveals that his parents actually adopted him, and are not his birth parents…but the game proceeds not to follow through on that plot development in any way. He is still brash, headstrong, and a total idiot. The game never really attempts to provide Zell with any opportunities to become something more than the sum of his parts. He fits a trope and just continues to exemplify that trope repeatedly.	FINAL VERDICT: ZERO CHARACTER PROGRESSION
	None of her confidence issues about being a leader from Disc One ever get addressed, and worse yet the game completely whitewashes her earlier romantic scenes with Squall by later claiming that it was a “maternal instinct.” In the grand scheme of things, Quistis as a character is buried in favor of Rinoa. Despite being the person that has actual experience leading people, the game complexly forgets this fact and gives all leadership opportunities to Squall, and on one occasion gives a leadership opportunity to FUCKING SELPHIE OF ALL PEOPLE! Quistis just becomes an afterthought by the time disc two ends. In fact, I would argue that her character regresses in light of the fact that her original role as a leader not only diminishes, but also is erased completely from the story. I honestly was interested in seeing her anxiety about not being able to lead and teach people like Squall be addressed in the game, but instead the game just farts in my face.	FINAL VERDICT: -30% CHARACTER PROGRESSION
	The game fucks up its one chance to develop Selphie into something more than a “manic pixie girl.” She starts out being the messenger that you encounter at Dollet. It is then revealed that she likes trains. Suddenly she is provided an opportunity to confront a dramatic set piece when the party visits the destroyed ruins of Trabia. There the game oscillates between having Selphie be oblivious to the destruction around her, and forced to confront the grim realities of her former home. Then she just goes back to being a manic pixie girl with no signs of maturation or post-traumatic stress disorder. It is just a total wash when it comes to Selphie ever being more than a walking writing trope.	FINAL VERDICT: ZERO CHARACTER PROGRESSION
	I am still undecided if the game wants me to view Irvine as a wannabe Casanova or a complete pervert. A wannabe Casanova at least gets a “victory” occasionally, and instead of that, Irvine is consistently depicted as being a “third wheel.” Not only that but the game hints that Irvine has feelings for Selphie, but still has him hitting on any females that he sees. So he is a pervert, right? Now wait a minute, Selphie increasingly starts to gravitate towards Irvine as the story progresses. Is this due to her rediscovered nostalgia of her past friendship with him, or actual reciprocated feelings that she has for him? I do not really understand what use the game gets out of Irvine after he choked during the assassination mission. At least now, we know that he has an excuse for why that was the case, but that is about it because he is still an excruciating character to listen to throughout the course of the game. His establishing moment was to harass my female cast members sexually, and it was all a perpetual downward spiral after that.	FINAL VERDICT: ZERO CHARACTER PROGRESSION

For a game that would like to call itself a “roleplaying game,” there sure are not a lot of roles being filled or exemplified here. So how about all of you that still want to inform me that any of the above caricatures were your “favorites” from the game? Fine, I will grant you that they are characters, but I am going to stand by my belief that you erred towards them because of how simple they were in comparison to the oftentimes overwrought and heavy-handed characterization of Squall and Rinoa. You “enjoyed” the secondary cast because they were all “pure” tropes, and most likely accepted them because the game’s efforts to double down on Squall and Rinoa were so off-putting that you gravitated towards these simpler and more straightforward characters. I do not mean that as an insult, because I caught myself progressively gravitating towards Zell by the start of the second disc. He is a simple moron, but in the baffling world of Final Fantasy VIII, I NEEDED a simple moronic character to add some much-needed levity to the aneurism-inducing world of Final Fantasy VIII. I needed Zell to remind me that I was still alive, and capable of feeling emotions. The game honestly spends so much time characterizing Squall and Rinoa in all of the wrong ways that any logical person would and SHOULD seek alternatives.

Part 97: Hey, Game! Can We Finally Break Rinoa Out of Prison Yet? I Have Better Things to Do!

The game just up and decides to make Selphie the pilot of the Ragnarok, because I guess she needs to have something else to do? Isn’t Zell the one that has previously been established as having a knack for machinery and electronics? Do you want to know what I think would have made sense canonically speaking? If instead of trains, Selphie had been really into airplanes and spaceships. Then when entering the cockpit of the Ragnarok, Selphie immediately recognizes the control panel and understands how to pilot the ship. See, now THAT would have been a character arc, but unfortunately this game is not about providing its secondary cast story arcs. Instead, Selphie just magically is able to pilot a ship that Squall had to have the controls spoon fed to him. There is no logical reason as to why Selphie somehow has the ability to pilot the Ragnarok. However, if the game does not give a shit about explaining itself, then why should I care?

Now overcome with regrets, Squall immediately decides to break Rinoa out of prison. Okay now let us stop and think about that sentence for a moment. We have a party of teenagers that want to break their friend out of jail. Said friend is in jail because she has unimaginable powers that are capable of destroying entire continents. Not only that, but right now there’s an evil time bending sorceress that wants to possess said friend so is that she would be capable of unleashing even more unimaginable horror on the universe. Yeah, I am not exactly seeing why we should not just side with Esthar at this point. How about we wait on freeing Rinoa until AFTER we kill Ultimecia? If there is even ONE boss battle where Rinoa ends up getting possessed by an evil sorceress; I feel like my earlier sentiments would be entirely justified.

That is beside the point. What is unfathomable is how the Esthar prison guards just let you waltz into their prison for sorceresses because they think it would be nice to “see our comrade off.” I am actually not lying about that point:

Okay, so judging between this and the prison from the beginning of Disc Two I will just postulate that all of the prisons in the world of Final Fantasy VIII are just of an abhorrent quality. Honestly, I would shudder to see what the security is like for any serial killers or convicted arsonists in the world of Final Fantasy VIII. At this point Squall and company just waltz into the prison, browbeat the scientists responsible for cryogenically freezing Rinoa, and destroy the machine that froze Rinoa without any regard as to what the potential consequences of doing so would be. I mean look at this! Squall just busts out his gunblade and slices Rinoa free from her slumber:

How did Squall know not to dismantle Rinoa’s life support systems? Better yet, how did Squall know not to cut into flammable materials that could have resulted in a massive explosion that would have leveled the entire facility? Now I know what many of you are going to exclaim at this point of my dissertation, “ZombiePie just shut up and admit that this scene is touching and cool to watch!” WELL FINE, I will go ahead, and concede that this scene is a touching cinematic between Rinoa and Squall! It is one of the few moments where Squall’s stubbornness and no-nonsense attitude felt justified. Squall had a goal, and that was to free Rinoa. Squall logically disregarded the consequences of his actions because he truly loves Rinoa. You can almost relate to this because we all do crazy things when we are in love. Once you just stop for a moment and accept the spectacle for what it is…the scene works on a superficial level. By superficial level, I mean that this scene should not have arisen in the first place because logically Squall would have prevented it from occurring.

Like the spacesuit sequence from before, it is a moment of fleeting brilliance; fleeting brilliance that the game completely fails to execute upon in the next scene.

Part 98: Zell Has a Good Idea and the Game Backtracks on Squall AGAIN!

We have finally freed Rinoa from her short slumber! Do you want to know what that means? Well, that means that it is time for the game to backtrack on Squall showing his vulnerabilities to the audience! It fucking never ends, this shit. What I find especially odious with this sequence is how it starts with Rinoa taking the time to show appreciation to everyone for helping her during her time of need. This gets my seal of approval because it fits her character and compliments the story beats that she has experienced up to this point. What is decidedly NOT permissible to me is when all eyes turned towards Squall.

After Rinoa has her touching moment with the rest of the cast the characters all turn towards Squall, and wait for some sort of reaction from him. Then he does not do anything, and as a result, I proceed to give up on Squall as a character. This is the third or fourth time where the game had a quiet moment where Squall took the time to share how he feels about Rinoa, and it amounts to zero character progression in the actual game. I give up. I am honestly done with trying to theorize what proper storytelling theory would dictate SHOULD happen in these circumstances because it is clearly not going to eventuate at this point. Quistis endeavors to lighten the mood with a properly placed joke, and all Squall manages to musters up the courage to say is this:

What does this mean for me, the viewer? Squall comes across as a necrophiliac. He honestly only gives a shit about Rinoa, whilst she is either: in danger of dying, in a coma, or cryogenically frozen. Repeatedly, rather than depict a slow but sure amount of character change Final Fantasy VIII utilizes “daisy characters.” Squall only really shows his true character once in a while, and only for a pity amount of time. After doing so, he immediately clamps back up, just like how a daisy flower is only open for a few hours in a single day. Now unless your name is F. Scott Fitzgerald and you have a LITERAL character named “Daisy,” and your whole story is anchored around literary and visual allusions, “daisy characters,” are narratively clunky and should be circumvented at all costs. Having characters oscillate between two disparate states, and without any warnings, just hurts the flow and overall narrative focus of the story that you are trying to tell. Unless you deliberately want to have a character that is “torn between two worlds,” this way of storytelling is counterintuitive. There is nothing for Squall to be torn about here. He loves Rinoa, and she loves him back. It is entirely inexcusable that he cannot just show a little emotion beyond being an amorphous blob of nothingness.

Yes, I recognize that Squall starts out as an introvert, and many of you like the fact that he is an introvert. However, that notion is complimentary, and not contradictory, to the point that I am trying to make. The only way that Squall works, as a character, at this point in the story is if he changes or progresses as a character. An introvert would not have the bubbly and oftentimes naïve Rinoa as the bedrock for their relationship arc. An introvert would have a relationship with someone that understands their perspective and outlook on life, and rather than try to revise them, would welcome them for what they are. That is NOT how Rinoa is illustrated in this story. If you WANT to have the circle of friends that Squall has managed to collect then you NEED to have him justify those friendships. That means that Squall needs to grow and get beyond responding coldly to every quip that his “friends” make with “Whatever….” Friends share ideas and jokes with one another, and are able confide with each other what they are feeling. You get that in Final Fantasy VIII, but in the worst and most one-sided manner possible. Oftentimes, one of the cast members will attempt to start a dialogue with Squall and confides an opinion with him, but Squall will either disregard them or worse yet respond to them with an ellipses. If your best friend responded to you discussing the death of a parent or relative with “Whatever…” would you honestly still be close friends with them?

If you want an introverted Squall then you need to have these characters work together as a collection of heroes that are resolved to prevent the destruction of the universe, with the key word being “work.” Squall wants to get this “job” done, and is a taskmaster in making it happen. As a result, his party respects him, but they do not waste their time doing a bunch of dopey and goofy shit. They all have a mutual respect for one another, but would not exactly throw a rock concert for one another when they fucking are stranded in Fisherman’s Horizon. The idea that Squall is meant to be an introvert also further highlights how the writing of Final Fantasy VIII falls victim to “plot by convenience.” I am willing to accept an introverted protagonist, but then that means that Squall should have shown a lot more hesitation when letting his guard down regarding Rinoa in previous scenes. Squall is only an “introvert” when the writers found it convenient to have him be an introvert, which admittedly is about 80% of the time.

I feel like I have been making all of these points with every blog. As a result, I feel like I am slowly losing my own sanity. This shit just never ends…it just continues to materialize. The writers honestly got into a car and started driving it in an empty parking lot with one car ominously parked in the middle. Any of the empty parking lots would have been a good idea. Regarding Squall, they managed to hit the one car in the parking lot, and they did not just hit that car, they totaled it.

Part 99: Sidequest Nonsense - I Fought a Giant Cactus and Continue to Break the Game

It was at this point that I required a break from the main storyline of Final Fantasy VIII. With the end of the game drawing nigh, my sidequest options had actually increased by twofold due to me commandeering the Ragnarok. It was at this point that I turned to my Sherpa, and asked him to assist me in assembling all of the Guardian Forces in the game. My first target was the Jumbo Cactuar. Now for anyone who has played this game you may be aware that the Jumbo Cactuar has a specific attack where he can instantly kill a single party member in one attack. That aside, the Jumbo Cactuar was NOT immune to Limit Breaks and as a result went down for the count in record time.

Now I know what a lot of you that have already played Final Fantasy VIII are wondering:

“Did ZombiePie grind Cactuars on Cactuar Island?”

Admittedly, I only did so AFTER collecting all of my GFs, but yes, I ground the HELL out of the Cactuars on Cactuar Island. Thanks to this experience, I now know why some of you have Cactuars for your avatars on Giant Bomb. I know that I rarely discuss the actual mechanics of Final Fantasy VIII, and there is a reason for that. I am woefully ignorant of most of the systems in Final Fantasy VIII thanks in large part to Operation: Break This Game. A large consequence of me exploiting the junction system is that I never really got proficient at using it or understanding its deeper systems. All I know is that Triple has made all of my characters have a ridiculous amount of physical attack damage. That and unlocking the Speed junction has resulted in me being able to destroy most enemies before they can even attack me.

It is also at this point that I feel like I should remind all of you that I LOVE “playing” Final Fantasy VIII. I like how there is no grinding whatsoever in this game, and that I have choices when it comes to making my party powerful. Are you not a fan of the combat in Final Fantasy VIII? Do not worry, because there is Triple Triad or the item refining system that allows you to unlock plenty of powerful magic spells without using combat. You can also adjust the difficulty level in the game by playing around with the junction system. At this point, I have Ultimas and Triples equipped on all of the important stats for my main crew, and as a result, I have been seriously wrecking shit up. This freedom is enthralling, and one of the best aspects of Final Fantasy VIII bar none.

What I do question is this: was this intentional? Was I supposed to be able to junction Triples, Quakes, or Ultimas on Attack and be able to destroy 99% of all encounters in this game in one attack? Did the developers put in these mechanics and know what they were doing? Alternatively, did their desire to make something different prevent them from noticing the consequences of the junctioning system or the item refining system? My gut reaction is the latter, but then again the designers did put in an entire island where you can get infinite AP at a breakneck speed. I should also mention that Cactuars do not net any experience, and thus grinding them does not raise the level of you or your enemies. This suggests that the placement and design of Cactuar Island was premeditated. All I know is that I enjoy playing this game even if that stems from the fact that I have hilariously broken the game.

Part 100: Sidequest Nonsense – Tales from the Deep Sea Platform Part I

With our party now situated on “Battleship Island,” I can once again continue my efforts to acquire every single GF in Final Fantasy VIII. Veterans of Final Fantasy VIII will most likely inform you that Battleship Island features one of the game’s more “messed up” moments in all of Final Fantasy VIII. This moment is so messed up that if you do not respond accordingly you can effectively screw yourself out of acquiring TWO very important GFs; one of which is incredibly useful for junctioning purposes, and the other deals the greatest amount of physical damage among all of the GFs in the game. Now what is the big messed up moment? Well at some point, someone involved with the development of this game decided that Final Fantasy VIII should become a Visual Novel.

When you first enter the Deep Sea Research Facility you locate a brightly glowing orb that spawns monsters if you so much as move an inch whilst it is pulsating. The monsters that this orb spawns are without any doubt “no joke!” Now I am willing to accept this, if with a tad bit of consternation. This sequence is annoying, but short in the grand scheme of things. However, what I am NOT willing to accept is how the game can completely screw you over because you were not able to decipher its bullshit logic.

At some point, the player makes their way to the pulsating orb/core and you are immediately thrust into a visual novel/dating simulator. Here you are FORCED into a conversation with a mysterious being of great power, and must respond to this being with the correct dialogue prompt. If you select an incorrect prompt, you immediately fail the mission. Now that’s messed up, but that is not the most messed up aspect of this encounter with the pulsating orb. The most messed up moment occurs when you reach the final prompt, and quickly realize that all of the answers there are incorrect, and result in a fail state. So what is the correct answer? Well you have to scroll below the last prompt and “discover” that below it is a hidden answer that essentially amounts to not responding to the prompts above, as the game wants you to realize that the “correct” answer is “none of the above.”

This is not okay. In fact, this is downright unacceptable. If you were playing this sequence, fought through a myriad of monsters, and missed your chance at acquiring a GF because you were not able to think exactly like the developer; you would admittedly be more than a little enraged. I would also like to mention that this has NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE! The idea that an option would be hidden on the menu beyond the text prompts provided is alien to how previous encounters with the GFs and bosses have gone down before. The only way that you would know how to respond to this sequence is if you: a) were the designer, b) read a guide (DING! DING! That is me!), or c) through trial and error discovered that the other prompts resulted in a fail state.

That aside, does this mission result in a revelatory story related plot point being revealed? Will we uncover an item that will greatly assist in our quest against Ultimecia? NOPE! We fight a Guardian Force, and after defeating it, it joins our collection of GFs. Now I know that I have touched on how aimless and out of place some of the sidequests feel in Final Fantasy VIII, but this simply furthers my case. Yes, I know that these are “optional.” However, if the results are GFs then I view these missions as “obligations” rather than “options.” What I do wish would happen is if something story related would occur because of completing any of these sidequests. I will concede that this is a nitpicky issue and possibly impractical because games TO THIS DAY have this specific issue with their sidequests. To think that a game from over ten years ago would figure out the “problem” of sidequests may be asking too much from my part…but it still annoyed me in this case.

Part 101: Sidequest Nonsense – Tales from the Deep Sea Platform Part II

My Final Fantasy VIII Sherpa informed me almost immediately that my adventures in the Deep Sea Research Facility were not entirely completed. As a result, I immediately re-entered the facility to discover a new pathway into the lower depths of the facility where the glowing core once was situated. Oh, boy…it is the return of ladders!

Here you encounter another ill-conceived puzzle that I can only assume is convoluted due to ignorance. The developers of Final Fantasy VIII are roleplaying experts, and most likely NOT experts at creating great and interesting adventure puzzles. Hence, why there have been so many gear, leaver, and terminal puzzles in Final Fantasy VIII. Now as this is my first Final Fantasy game I can only speculate that terrible puzzles are just a mainstay in the series, and that fans just tolerate them in order to get to the “good stuff,” but again that is just me speculating as an outsider. If you can name “great” and “fantastic” puzzles in the Final Fantasy franchise, feel free to e-mail me at idontgiveashit@comcast.net.

I can almost anticipate that some of the more apt Final Fantasy VIII aficionados will point out that Zell can forgo the last puzzle for the sake of unleashing a smattering of monsters that magically have the ability to negate Enc-None, and to which I will respond to with a big ole’ raspberry! I have been playing this game with Enc-None since I first got it, and I do not intend to reverse this trend. Besides, this puzzle is asinine. Players end up spending their time allocating Steam in the correct amounts in the correct terminals resulting in a new level in the facility being unlocked. To be honest it is such a ho-hum puzzle that I feel bad complaining about it. It is not necessarily “bad,” per say, but it is not exactly a high point that I will remember one year after the fact.

Once you wade through the various levels of the facility you end up in a scuffle with “Ultima Weapon,” which I have been informed is a call back to Final Fantasy VII. Okay…I guess that is “acceptable.” I cannot really respond accordingly, so here is a captioned image of Ultima Weapon with a pun.

I beat Ultima Weapon, thus meaning that I was just one GF away from completing my deck of GFs. Now I have a quick question here. When you battle Ultima Weapon you acquire the “Eden” GF by drawing it from him or it. So does that mean that monsters can have GFs? Is/was Ultima Weapon sentient? How did Ultima Weapon acquire the most powerful GF in the entire game? In addition, how did Ultima Weapon end up in the Deep Sea Research Facility? How are any of the monsters in the Deep Sea Research Facility capable of supporting an ecosystem there? How have they managed to reproduce and acquire sustenance in a long abandoned science facility in the far reaches of the ocean? Why am I even asking these questions anymore?

Part 102: Sidequest Nonsense – The Quest to Get Doomtrain

This may well be one of the worst fetch quests that I have ever subjected myself to in a video game. In order to acquire Doomtrain the player must have the Solomon Ring and at least 6 Steel Pipes, 6 Remedy+, and 6 Malboro Tentacles. The problem with that is how this requires the player to interact with the hardest and most fucked up monsters in the entire fucking game. I also would like to complain about how I had no idea how to obtain any of these items as the game does not surface any of this information to the player. The only real “hint” that the player receives regarding how to obtain Doomtrain comes in the form of magazines titled “Occult Fan” which are annoyingly scattered throughout the world of Final Fantasy VIII. More annoyingly about these magazines is that they never explicitly tell you how to acquire any these items, nor where to find the monsters that have them.

So let us talk about acquiring six Malboro Tentacles as it was the most nightmarish aspect of this entire quest. Firstly, the Malboros usually begin your encounters with them by opening with Bad Breath. Now shame on me for never dabbling with the status defense system, as most of my encounters with the Malboros resulted in my party getting their “clock cleaned.” Well…that is just peachy! Other attacks include Eerie Sound Wave, which deals medium damage to all party members, and/or Dissolving Acid, which will deplete a third of a single party member's health points. Oh and did I mention that Malboros are immune to most of the types of magic that you can cast in the game? These monsters are FUCKED!

Let us go back to “Bad Breath” for a minute. If Bad Breath hits and it always did for me, it manages to inflict multiple status ailments such as silence, sleep, confuse, and poison on all of your party members simultaneously. There were times when Sleep would impact my entire party and the Malboro would just wipe out everyone before I even got a chance to do an attack or escape. What is even more insulting is how Malboros can only be found in locations with other equally difficult monsters such as Chimeras and Tri-Faces. The big issue that I faced was how I would have eight or nine random encounters with these other monsters, before I would finally encounter a Malboro. Now once I finally found a Malboro it would then completely fuck me up in the first two turns, and as a result, I did not get its tentacles! One fucking time I was two tentacles away from reaching my target of six, and I was killed by a Chimera! Everything about this sucked!

This was beyond being a shitty experience, and in fact, it quickly became a demoralizing experience. Here I was thinking that I finally had a grasp at how this game played. Then all of the sudden this Venus flytrap monster puts me to shame in two turns. At some point I finally was able to get six tentacles, but at what cost? My mental and physical fortitude was shot, and as you will see soon, my tolerance for Final Fantasy VIII’s bullshit plummeted to the basement.

NEVERTHELESS, HEY! DOOMTRAIN IS CERTAINLY AWESOME Y’ALL!

Part 103: Sidequest Nonsense – Getting Zell Laid

Somehow, between being a doofus that knows surprising fact about the geography, and being “good with machines,” Zell managed to acquire an unnamed love interest. I am not joking about the “unnamed” aspect, as the game literally calls her “Library Girl with a Pigtail.” You know what this game needed right about now; why, how about a throwaway relationship that never amounts to anything important in the story! I have no idea why I wasted my time on this!

I believe I viewed a guide, and it stated “Zell’s Girlfriend” and immediately thought to myself “Man I have to see that!” However, because this is related to Zell it never really becomes anything interesting. Now isn’t that a big surprise? All it really amounts to is a brief scene where you spy on Zell chatting with the pigtailed girl in a hotel lobby. Whatever, if the game does not want to explain itself I will draw my own conclusions. In fact, let us get our fanfiction on!

All right, so Zell and the Pigtail girl are cocaine smugglers. They are competing against another major drug smuggler only known as “Tri-Face.” Zell and the girl had already discussed how they plan to expand their drug trade into the Shumi Villager where Tri-Face has a strong grasp. From the Shumi Village, they plan to push Tri-Face out of Fisherman’s Horizon and then Dollet. There’s only one problem…SeeD has been hired to get rid of the drug trade from the world of Final Fantasy VIII, and you guessed it, Quistis is the one in charge of taking them down. Luckily, Quistis only knows Zell by his street-name “Mr. Hotdog.” So the Pigtail Girl wanted a progress report on when Zell planned on making a “jump” on Quistis as she’s getting closer and closer to uncovering “the truth” about their identities. At this point Zell is wracked with guilt. Thus far, he has previously been unable to follow through with the plan, but the Pigtailed Girl has some advice…use a GF just this once. Zell does not want to because he knows that while this will erase his memories of Quistis, it will also cause him to relapse and become the loose cannon that he once was. Do you remember the hotel scene from before? Zell’s got a secret GF now, all junctioned up, and will now make his “move” on Quistis during Disc Four…just you wait.

Alternatively, maybe the two of them just fucked and the game did not want to say that because Final Fantasy VIII is “T for TEEN!”

Part 104: Sidequest Nonsense Obel Lake and I Give Up on Sidequests Forever

Just like the “Zell has a Girlfriend” sidequest, I have no idea why I started the confusing journey with the Obel Lake monster. I have no idea whatsoever as to why I wanted to do this sidequest. The Obel Lake sidequest is without any doubt the most zany and baffling sidequest one can experience in Final Fantasy VIII. It starts out with Squall humming and throwing rocks at a lake monster that you never see, and having to decipher messages that it says to you. At one point, the lake monster asked me to “find Mr. Monkey.” Here is my proof so is that you do not think that I have gone crazy:

I threw a rock at Mr. Monkey and then he told me that I “suck.” Then I went on a quest to find rocks with letters written on them, and once I got enough rocks I went back to Mr. Monkey. There he got angry at Squall once again, and threw another rock at me, but this time the rock had more letters on it:

I went back to the Obel Lake Monster and after skipping rocks on the lake, it spewed a cipher that looked like this:

Therefore, I went to this place next to Esthar…and rocks started talking to me:

Then I gave up because my brain honestly was about to experience an aneurism. That and I honestly could not find this fucking treasure to save my life. In addition, my Sherpa informed me that finding the treasure was a giant waste of my time, and noted that I was getting frustrated with a bunch of worthless nonsense. I agreed with him, and decided to ferret my way back to the story. Did I also mention that I was talking to fucking rocks?

Part 105: Remember When I Made a Metaphor About Daisies Earlier? Well Just Shoot Me Now

Now we have a quieter moment with Squall and Rinoa. I do not know if the white flowers in the background were meant to be some sort of callback to Raine, but that is my interpretation. Now personally I think part of this sequence works, but with the keyword here being “part.” The part of the scene that I think works the most involves the lighter moments were Squall personally injects some levity into the sequence by successfully re-directing, and calming down Rinoa’s anxiety about their future. Here Squall provides his personal assurances that he will always be by her side wherever their adventure takes them. As I have mentioned before Final Fantasy VIII may well be the most sincere game I have ever played. While most of these romance scenes fall flat on their face they never have an ounce of cynicism or feeling of disrespect regardless of their success. This is also the kind of character moment that I have been begging for Final Fantasy VIII to have since DISC TWO! However as they say, better late than never. Related to that are the moments where Rinoa shares why she is concerned about the future, where she openly questions if she can continue with this mission. Fearful of being taken over by Ultimecia again, Rinoa has a legitimate concern, and shows actual character progression in this scene. She started as a naïve and hotheaded freedom fighter concerned only about an ill-advised attempt to liberate a city from the clutches of a despotic dictator. Now she is humble and far calmer than her original character. She has shown clear signs of maturation from her quaint beginnings, and it is nice to see that. It is almost as if I can put myself in her shoes and understand where she is coming from…if only ever so slightly, because this is Final Fantasy VIII that we are talking about. Now moving onto to Squall I am shocked to say that Squall acts appropriately in this scene as well. As already mentioned, he actually tries to comfort Rinoa, and clearly makes it known that he cares for her. All I can say is: Bravo Final Fantasy VIII writers! You finally hit your target for once!

Now you may be asking what my problems with this scene may be. My issues are two-fold. Firstly, we still have no idea why Ultimecia is doing any of this, and what her ultimate motivations are. Is it world domination? Was she wronged by someone in Esthar or Galbadia? Is she possessed by someone else kind of like Edea? What is Ultimecia’s arc, and why does she pose such a major threat to the world of Final Fantasy VIII? It is not a good idea to delay laying out the motivators for your villain this late in the game because it just adds to the overall aimlessness of the story. Tangentially related to this point is how the story just starts to crumble apart for me whenever “Time Compression” is uttered. Personally, it just serves as a reminder of how this game has gone some places since Disc One. Time Compression is still a completely weird and wacky concept that I am still struggling to fathom. Despite playing this game for almost THIRTY HOURS, I still have no idea how its most important plot arc works.

My second issue is a more fundamental problem. This scene, like any scene in Final Fantasy VIII, is tonally all over the place. It starts out with a brief ribbing of Zell by Squall and Rinoa related to his budding relationship with the pigtailed girl. This causes me to question if Zell’s relationship was supposed to be a bigger factor in the overall story. Immediately after this, we are treated to incomprehensible exposition from Rinoa explaining how she can still be re-possessed by Ultimecia. THEN we have our tender and heartwarming moment between Rinoa and Squall, which is immediately followed up by Zell comically interrupting them with an important announcement. That is about three tonal shifts in the matter of FIVE MINUTES! This scene should have either JUST been a scene where Squall develops a plan with his party and it begins and ends with comical interjections, OR a scene where he finally shares his feelings for Rinoa to her face. Alas my dear readers, this is Final Fantasy VIII that we are talking about, and with the conclusion of this scene, we are off to Esthar to meet their President.

Part 106: OH GOD ESTHAR IS A NIGHTMARE WORLD!

Before you leave the orphanage, you are immediately treated to an unskippable cutscene where Edea tells you information that you already knew, and understood. I have to stop Ultimecia; yes, I got that when you first mentioned her name Edea! Anyways, when you re-enter Esthar you find the entire city-state in ruins. The Lunatic Pandora has unleashed a smattering of monsters, which I never saw because I have Enc-None equipped, but I was able to witness the dozens of NPCs in the background and foreground injured and strewn about as a direct result of the Lunar Cry.

This is one of the more sobering backdrops that Final Fantasy VIII has to offer; unfortunately, the game in no way takes advantage of this backdrop. Instead, once you enter the President’s Palace you discover that not only is everything in order, but everyone inside the building is woefully unaware of the untold horror and destruction that is happening outside of the palace. Worse yet when you finally get up to the President and his advisors at no point do any of them share an ounce of concern as to what is happening outside and to their citizenry. Now that sounds like someone I would vote for during an election cycle!

Okay game you are going to have to justify yourself here. Repeatedly you depicted Laguna as certainly being an able bodied soldier, but was also depicted as being a doofus that could never complete his sentences with perfect diction. How…how was he elected as the President of Esthar? How did the science minded and technologically advanced people of Esthar go with Laguna, a complete outsider, as their President? HOW IS ANY OF THIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!?!

LAGUNA PUSHED ADEL INTO A MACHINE THAT CRYOGENICALLY FROZE HER! Then the people of Esthar thought to themselves, “Hey why don’t we make that guy our President?” I…I just do not known anymore. First off, I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that Adel would not have any bodyguards with her to prevent her from being pushed into a machine that could cryogenically freeze her. Secondly, if Adel is some sort of super powerful sorceress why didn’t she just blow up Laguna when she realized he had tricked her? Couldn’t she have also created some sort of magic pulse that could have thrown Laguna out of the building? Remember back in Disc One when Rinoa tried to put an anti-magic amulet on Edea, and Edea just used her magic to fling Rinoa across the room? Why didn’t Adel do that? Did the writers junction a GF to their brains, and forgot that their own characters can do that?

Now if you thought that was crazy wait until we talk about how the people of Esthar managed to get Adel into space! The ships that were responsible for transporting Adel to space were the Ragnarok spaceships, and it turns out that these ships have hands, and when they transported Adel’s “tomb” they grappled onto her tomb whilst they flew into space. Where the people of Esthar either just happened to have a space station, or planned to create one. I mentioned this on the last blog, but it bears repeating again. If you were able to seal away the most dangerous sorceress in the world, and had perfected space travel, why would you just leave said sorceress near your planet? If I were the President, I would have stocked as much fuel on those ships as possible and sent Adel into the farthest reaches of space. Fucking send her to the nearest black hole that you can find! Not even that! Send her to the nearest star that you can locate!

Why didn’t someone else think of that? Now we have to deal with Adel’s tomb crash landing on the planet, and the impending release of her onto the world! YOU DONE FUCKED UP LAGUNA!

Part 107: Laguna Admits to Being the Worst Husband/Father in Video Game History

As zany and wacky as the explanation as to why Laguna is the President of Esthar may have been it “works” in the context of this being Final Fantasy VIII. Suspending your logic allows you to accept that, yes indeed the people of Esthar were so grateful of Laguna’s efforts to free them from Adel, that they nominated him to become their President. What is wholly UNACCEPTABLE is the game’s explanation as to why Laguna was a non-factor in Raine’s, Ellone’s, and Squall’s lives. Laguna justifies never once visiting any of his family or children in Winhill “because he was busy with work.” I AM NOT FUCKING AROUND HERE:

What the fuck is that? I am honestly led to believe that Laguna, THE PRESIDENT OF A COUNTRY, was NOT able to take a single vacation or break in order to relocate and/or find his family and children? Not only that, but he was not even able or willing to send a liaison, or assistant to locate Squall, Ellone, and Raine at any point. Instead, he just allowed for Raine to die, and Ellone as well as Squall to be sent to an orphanage. He never even made the effort to send letters, or any form of correspondence for that matter, to Cid that amounted to “HEY THIS IS THE PRESIDENT AND I THINK YOU HAVE MY CHILDREN!” Was the whole point of this scene to depict Laguna as being a neglectful human being? Because that is exactly how it comes across as! Remember my earlier point about how there is untold destruction being laid upon the people of Esthar outside of the Presidential Palace? Yeah, that is never mentioned at any point! All right, so Laguna’s the President of Esthar. That means he did not give a fuck about helping his children for over ten years! Whoever wrote this part of story most likely felt the need to address the issue as to why Laguna just disappeared from the world, but in this case did it in the worst way possible.

Now I know what a lot of you are about to say “But ZombiePie! Laguna mentions that there was a witch-hunt for Ellone in Esthar that resulted in people dying! That means that Laguna transported Ellone to Winhill for her own safety!” To that point, I am going to call BULLSHIT! One, Laguna is the FUCKING PRESIDENT OF ESTHAR! He should have thrown all of those rioters into jail for trying to risk Ellone’s life! Two, fine let us accept that Ellone DID have to be transported outside of Esthar. Also, let us accept that maybe Raine died before the hysteria against Ellone had died down. Why didn’t Laguna ever try to contact or locate Squall? A simple letter here and there would have sufficed! Squall is heavily implied to be Laguna’s son, as Squall is clearly the child of Raine. So why didn’t Laguna send Kiros or Ward to locate Raine, and/or Ellone? In fact, why didn’t Laguna send a bodyguard or doctor to look over Raine, Ellone, and/or Squall to prevent any malcontent from happening to them? Oh, I know, because the writers did not think of how stupid this part of the story would come across to the viewers at home, and they needed Squall to be a SeeD at the cost of the story not making any sense. They wrote themselves into a corner, and they knew it.

Part 108: Final Fantasy VIII Becomes Mass Effect 2…Or Maybe Mass Effect 2 Became Final Fantasy VIII?

So it is now time to storm the Lunatic Pandora, and our wonderful motley crew has the most logical and strategic idea on how to do this: just crash the Ragnarok into the front entrance. Great plan General Eisenhower that is the best idea I have ever heard of! What were they teaching these kids at SeeD in the first place? The whole point was to raise an army of orphans that would be able to defeat the next great sorceress threat. So did they never teach these kids basic military strategy or theory? Not once have I seen the SeeDs use any attack patterns besides charging directly into the enemy and hoping for the best. The same goes for Squall and company! Fine, so they have the Ragnarok shoot its guns at the nearest window on the Lunatic Pandora, and then just crash the fucking thing into Lunatic Pandora. Then, their plan just works. I GIVE UP TRYING TO INJECT LOGIC INTO THIS GAME! I JUST GIVE UP!

Nope, I cannot accept that! Let me get this straight, Ultimecia has Seifer pilot one of the most powerful superweapons in the entire world of Final Fantasy VIII unguarded and without any complimentary support from the Galbadian Army. How does that make any sense? After killing the previous President by impaling him with her hand, I can only assume that Ultimecia still has control of the Galbadian Army. Oh and if you want to tell me that the Galbadian Army doesn’t have a leader anymore after Edea left then explain why Wedge and Biggs were on the Lunatic Pandora, or how you fight G-Forces in the Lunatic Pandora as random encounters! Don’t you dare go off about how Ultimecia has the monsters from the moon, due to the Lunar Cry, act as her “soldiers,” because that is fucking stupid. Have you ever walked up to a bear and asked it to beat up your worst enemy? Yeah well try that, come back, and tell me how that went! If the people of Esthar were technologically centuries ahead of Galbadia, why would Ultimecia assume that they would not be able to destroy the Lunatic Pandora? How did she know that they did not have a superweapon of their own that could immediately destroy the Lunatic Pandora?

All I am trying to say is that Ultimecia had like eight different ways to go about deploying the Lunatic Pandora that would have resulted in Squall and company dying horribly…and she managed to fuck every single one of them up.

Part 109: Familiar Faces in an Unfamiliar World and I am Terribly Confused

Instead of their plan going horribly sideways our team of teenagers, (God do not remind me) manage to just conveniently land in a hallway inside the Lunatic Pandora; a hallway that just happens NOT to be populated by soldiers that have the ability to shoot Squall in the face. There we have two notable “callbacks,” in this brief transitional sequence. Firstly, you witness Biggs and Wedge “retiring” from the G-Forces after expressing their disillusionment with the direction of the Galbadian Army under Siefer’s ward. Okay…I guess that is nice information to know, but how are they going to get off the Lunatic Pandora?

That reminds me; let us briefly go over why any of this is happening in the first place. Ultimecia wants to release Adel from her tomb so is that she can possess her and become more powerful as a result. To ensure that this happens Ultimecia sends Siefer to raise the Lunatic Pandora in order to initiate a Lunar Cry. The Lunar Cry does not just releases a whole bunch of monsters onto Esthar, but it also destroys the space station that entombed Adel. By initiating the Lunar Cry Adel’s tomb falls back down to the planet and Seifer is hopefully able to release Adel, thus allowing Ultimecia to take control of her. All I can say is that this is some Rube Goldberg storytelling if I ever saw it. Now there are a myriad of issues with this plan. Firstly, why did Ultimecia assume that Siefer would be able to acquire Adel safely before Squall or the Esthar Army? Why would she assume that Esthar would not be able to destroy the Lunatic Pandora before it initiated a Lunar Cry? How did Ultimecia know that Adel’s tomb would not just burn up and disintegrate whilst re-entering the planet’s atmosphere? These are all some big assumptions to make if I do say so myself!

Now if that is not enough for you to swallow there is an even more dizzying callback for you to deal with after this! Once Biggs and Wedge skedaddle, you have YET ANOTHER fight with Siefer’s lap dogs, Fujin and Raijin. Wait that doesn’t make sense…during our last encountered didn’t they agree to watch over Siefer and attempt to bring him to his senses? Weren’t Fujin and Raijin already disillusioned with how Seifer was changing because of being under the influence of the Ultimecia? That was the sense that I got after our encounter with them in the hotel over at Balamb. So what are they doing here once again obeying Seifer’s clearly evil orders? Did they already lose sight of the fact that the end goal of helping Ultimecia makes no sense?

Well whatever, I beat them in record time. What I was not able to beat in record time was the horrible robot that they summoned to finish the job that they have failed to do three times now. I’m honestly getting sick and tired of bosses in this game having attacks that can just automatically drop the HP of my party to 1.

Part 110: I Don’t Understand Siefer’s End Goal

Here I am back to fighting Siefer again. Whatever, it is not like Siefer’s motivations makes any sense in the first place. Ultimately, Siefer has the mental aptitude of a five year old. Ever since the very beginning of the game Siefer has been chasing after a “romantic dream,” but only provides vague hints as to what that dream actually looks like. The fact that he cannot see how he is being manipulated or used for someone else’s devices just serves to establish him as being inferior to Squall, or that’s at least how I feel. So what is the end goal for Siefer? I get that he is helping Ultimecia in order to be her “knight,” but at what cost? If he helps Ultimecia, doesn’t the universe end or unleash some sort of horrible destruction on the world? Oh, wait that’s right…I have no idea why Ultimecia is doing any of this or what her motivations are! Therefore, I can only speculate what the “end goal” is for the both of them! It’s the literal end of Disc Three and I do not have a clue as to why Ultimecia is doing any of this shit! Why is Ultimecia evil in the first place? What is the reasoning behind her hatred for SeeD? WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP ASKING THESE QUESTIONS THIRTY HOURS DEEP INTO THE GAME?!?!?!

Siefer actually reminds me of Gary Oldman in The Fifth Element, and for all of the wrong reasons. In The Fifth Element Gary Oldman's character is motivated by a pure desire to have more money. This is despite the fact that his money is completely irrelevant if he continues to help a universe ending darkness. That is exactly the issue that I have with Seifer. Not only that, but he is clearly being manipulated, and refuses to listen to the repeated warnings from everyone surrounding him to stop. Sure, he gets to be a knight, but what happens after Ultimecia takes control of Adel? What will Seifer be the knight of after that happens? Seifer might as well be called “Tunnel Vision: THE CHARACTER!”

Oh and by the way…yes, Seifer was defeated by Gilgamesh because I had already done the Centra Ruins sidequest before this encounter. Even I have to admit that the cutscene was awesome, despite me not having any clue as to who Gilgamesh is.

Part 111: I Deserve a Better Ending than This

Once again, Squall and company defeat Seifer…well no shit! I have a party of three and he is just one person! NEVERTHELESS, THERE’S MORE SEIFER RELATED SHENANIGANS TO DEAL WITH! Seifer is confronted by Squall, and instead of Squall just killing or tackling Seifer at that moment, he lets him run away. I hope that nothing terrible happens as a result of that oversight!

Well shit Squall you have no one else to blame but yourself for that one! Seifer is a legitimate war criminal at this point, so why didn’t you apprehend him when you had the chance? He ordered for the violent occupation of Balamb, the Battle of the Gardens, and the Lunar Cry. All of which I can only assume resulted in thousands of people dying as a result. FUCKING ARREST HIM AND PUT HIM IN JAIL FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE! Moreover, how the fuck was Seifer able to get ahold of Rinoa in the first place? Why didn’t Quistis, Zell, and/or Selphie stop Seifer from getting ahold of her? Not only that, but Rinoa is a literal sorceress! WHY ISN’T SHE USING HER SPECIAL SORCERESS POWERS TO SEND HIM FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM?!?! Rinoa is a badass armed with wrist cannons and at this point has TWO Limit Breaks! How did Seifer manage to get his filthy hands on her! Why did the game all of the sudden decide to make Rinoa a “damsel in distress?” She’s been one of the most powerful members of my party, and then all of the sudden she just becomes a helpless damsel! Fuck that, this is downright offensive!

Now we have Seifer ominously inching closer and closer to Adel’s tomb with Rinoa in tow. Was this what Ultimecia wanted him to do? I thought that Adel was supposed to be possessed by Ultimecia. Did Siefer just go off the script, and inadvertently decided to fuck over Ultimecia? If Seifer combines Rinoa with Adel, whom does that benefit? Is Seifer all of the sudden taking orders from Adel? Did Ultimecia want Seifer to combine Rinoa with Adel from the very beginning? This is most likely going to result in a physical confrontation between Adel and Squall, so why did Seifer risk Adel being defeated by Squall? How about….

Wait what? So Disc Three is suddenly over? THAT IS NOT AN ENDING?! THAT IS NOT EVEN A CLIFFHANGER! THAT’S WHAT I CALL A “DICK MOVE!” I AM NOT GOING TO STOP UNTIL I GET THE ENDING THAT I DESERVE!

Part 112: Fuck It! I’ll End This When I Want to!

Rinoa is now “junctioned” with Adel and I have to admit that I was laughing hysterically when I saw what the result was. I mean seriously look at this and tell me that you did not laugh even the slightest:

With Rinoa “junctioned” onto Adel, Squall and company have to be ever so careful in their efforts to kill Adel. Which luckily I had no issues with as I was able to wail on Adel with my gunblade until she finally disappeared. Inexplicably Laguna and Ellone just arrive on the scene to help resuscitate Rinoa. WAIT WHAT?! How did they get into the Lunatic Pandora? Squall’s party practically had to crash a spaceship into the Lunatic Pandora in order to get inside it. Additionally, how did Laguna and Ellone know where Squall and company were? Were there no soldiers or horrible robots that wanted to kill them? You know what, I am SO EXHAUSTED by this game that I will just accept that Ellone was able to use her mental link with Squall to re-locate him quickly.

Laguna reveals that Adel has now been possessed by Ultimecia, and everything that Siefer did was exactly what Ultimecia had desired. Do you want to know what I think? I think that this is the game just trying to save face. That said I sure as fuck would have preferred that this be the stopping point of Disc Three. By the way, instead of stopping here…I kept going, and almost immediately regretted everything.

Part 113: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oh, God everything is melting around me, and I am currently questioning if the cookies that I bought from Walmart were laced with unlisted substances. Somehow, the space-time continuum is the sky and ocean. Our cast is just falling through the endless void of space-time with droplets of their previous dimension falling around them. I AM HONESTLY NOT JOKING ABOUT THAT LAST SENTENCE! JUST LOOK AT THIS SHIT:

Then they fall into an ocean…because this is the space-time continuum, and why wouldn’t you want fish and dolphins in your space-time continuum?

Did I mention how this entire sequence is just a horrible assault on your senses? Take the clock room that you finally end up in as an example. Not only is the screen absolutely smeared with light bloom, but also this horribly screeching music starts playing. If the intent was to create a physically uncomfortable environment then the developers accomplished this goal with excellence. Just to put yourself in my shoes try listening to this track from the Final Fantasy VIII score with headphones on, and I dare you not to tear them out of your ears violently.

I will concede that this sequence is “effective.” That said I am still finding it problematic as I still have only the vaguest idea as to what Time Compression is, and where exactly I am. I only joking refer to this location as the “space-time continuum.” I am still not entirely sure if that is exactly what to call it, but that is just what I have resolved to name it. Did Ultimecia have to go through this labyrinthine environment in order to possess Edea, Rinoa, and Adel? Does she have some sort of magical map through things that have never existed before?

Part 114: WHICH ONE OF YOU MIXED FINAL FANTASY VIII WITH MY LSD!

I am still not “in” the future where Ultimecia is the queen, but now I am stuck fighting against Renaissance Fair rejects from the future! Absolutely flummoxed, I called upon my Sherpa for clarity, and he informed me that I was fighting all of the sorceresses from the past and/or future. So wait, do sorceresses not go to Heaven? Do sorceresses just end up in this horrible purgatory just waiting for people to attempt to travel time? When Rinoa dies, is this where she will end up? Does Ultimecia have to fight these sorceresses every time she travels backwards and forwards in time? Will I have to fight all of these sorceresses again when I go back to the timeframe where I came from? Where did any of these sorceresses come from? Why is any of this happening right now? Does anyone remember when this game was about a bunch of teenagers that wanted to pass their SATs in order to become child soldiers? WHAT IN THE LITERAL FUCK HAPPENED BETWEEN THEN AND NOW?

Why are all of the sorceresses the same character over and over again? Will Ultimecia and Rinoa end up looking exactly like these people when they become old? OH GOD WHAT IS THIS:

It is like a snail and a lizard fucked a human at the same time, and this was the result! Why are these sorceresses fighting me in the first place? Are these evil sorceresses? Are “evil” sorceresses just stuck in this purgatory when they die? Can any of you please tell me if I am still alive? Is this actually a real thing? Is this all actually happening? Why am I fighting some horrible rainbow colored snail monster? I do not recall Marty McFly having to do any of this just to travel through time! How is fighting a horrible rainbow snail monster important to the story? WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY?

Part 115: I Do Not Understand Where Exactly Ultimecia’s Castle is

Oh, GOD…it is finally over for me. That drug-induced nightmare is finally over! Therefore, we end up at the base of Ultimecia’s Castle, only to see the dead bodies of other SeeD members from the future. Does this mean that there is a future where Ultimecia “wins” and takes over the world? Also, if Laguna and Ellone sent Squall and company into the future to defeat Ultimecia, and I can only assume that they are victorious, why are there other timelines trying to defeat Ultimecia? If it really were Squall’s “destiny” to defeat Ultimecia, why would anyone else even try to make a go at her? Is the game just going to end up with a self-defeating infinite time loop? Oh God please tell me “no!”

Whatever…there’s a save point and I am calling it with this. Your "true" ending will be on another blog.

Author’s Note: Many you will noticed that this blog ends before the actual ending of Final Fantasy VIII. If you have seen my previous comments on the site, you already know that I have already beaten both Omega Weapon as well as Ultimecia. So why did I stop here? Well to be honest I wanted to have an entire blog discussing Final Fantasy VIII’s ending…because there is a LOT TO TALK ABOUT.