It's Tuesday

Hey everybody. It’s Tuesday.

Today is a weird day.

I was looking forward to the Bombcast; last week’s episode was great, but… I missed Ryan. I always miss Ryan on the show when he’s not there. I am fond of his laugh, his raunch, his appreciation for the stupid and hilarious.

He was there for me every Tuesday(ish). He will never be again.

That fucking sucks. There are a lot of other reasons Ryan’s death sucks, chief among them that Ryan is dead, now, and fuck that. It’s not fair. He was so young; he was my age, and I still get carded sometimes. He was five days married to a woman who made a Kardashian joke on Twitter yesterday, because she’s amazing. He leaves behind a whole bunch of people who knew him personally, and miss him in a way that would be gross to compare my feeling of loss to.

I have this sense that my grief is inappropriate. I didn’t know the man. The personal relationship I have with him – with everyone I follow and listen to and consume of – is one way. It’s voyeuristic. To miss him, to be here expressing this now, like what I have to say matters, feels disturbingly selfish, especially when stacked against the tangible wall of grief that the crew, his family and friends, and especially his wife are feeling. Like, fuck you buddy. You didn’t lose a friend, a son, a love. You lost a voice that you liked to listen to. Get a grip and shut up.

But Giant Bomb isn’t just about games or gamers; it’s about these gamers. It is a cult of personality, in a way, and there is something almost prurient about the interest we have in their lives. And the thing of it is, they share their lives with us, willingly – we aren’t peeping. We’re invited. So if this is weird it’s your fucking fault, Ryan, because you let me, us, everyone, in. I didn’t realize how much of a privilege it has been.

Giant Bomb is as much a reality show about the duders as it is a site about games – except, unlike every reality show, it’s honest. And as much as I struggle with what is ‘appropriate’ to express, I think best way to honor what this site, what Ryan, means to me is to be honest back. Even if it doesn’t matter. Even if this is never read. I’m writing it and posting it because you can’t bring me something I look forward to every week and then fucking die on me and the world gets off without ever knowing how much it meant to me.

I am sad and angry and grateful. These are my feelsballs; watch me juggle. I can’t believe he’s gone. I, uglily (not a word, fuck you), want to know exactly what happened, because there can be no satisfying answer as to why he died, so I want to get fucking angry at the how; I want to blame him so I can put off accepting this. I watched the Harmonix live stream wake yesterday, and laughed and laughed and laughed. He was such a funny guy. He brought me a ton of joy. He made my life better in small, significant ways.

Jeff does, too. And Brad and Vinny and Patrick. And Drew. Alexis. Dave and Alex. Everyone who comes in and out of this site, all the devs who show up and share in the warmth and honesty that this site represents.

We bring these people with us. We carry them in our ears and they worm their way down into our hearts because they don’t bullshit us about who they are. There are few things as honest as flushing a cake down a toilet. I am profoundly grateful that these guys do what they do, and I get to witness it. I am thankful for every time Ryan made me think or laugh. He did a hard job well, was loved by many in many ways, touched a lot of lives and will be missed terribly; beyond the sense of tragedy, at the end, any of us would be lucky to say the same.

It’s still Tuesday. How dare it be so rudely Tuesday.

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dude

you fucking slayed me

goddamnit that was beautiful and summed up everything, How I feel, how wrong it is but also how much this hurts but how it pales in comparison to anything anybody who truly knew him

I mean, how can you explain to someone why you feel this way without sounding like an abject crazy person?

I am sad and angry and grateful. These are my feelsballs; watch me juggle.

I fucking love this, such an incredible statement

@red12bThanks, duder.

I'm a 24 year old man and I have been listening and watching Ryan and the crew since I was 15. I am unashamed to say that I have cried my damn eyes out.

I'm with you bro, same age. been with jeff & ryan since gamespot... today is a tough day

Amen brother. Well said.

'There are few things as honest as flushing a cake down a toilet.'

Simply amazing

Well fucking said.

:: slow clap ::

I'm trying to rectify feeling the way I do with people I consider 'sad', like those who absolutely lost their shit when Princess Diana died. I go to myself 'why are you sad, you meant shit to that person and you didnt even know them.'

You made me feel a bit better today. Thanks chief.

Thank you for being so open with your feelings duder.

Well said.

A day later it still doesn't feel real.

same age

It’s still Tuesday. How dare it be so rudely Tuesday.

There are so many good quotes in this piece. Well said indeed.

Agreedo. This is the most galling Tuesday.

A lot of people I've talked to share the same concern about feeling grief over someone none of us really knew personally - and like @tidel said, Ryan and everyone else bring us a lot of joy. That means something. We'll feel that loss but not just because we value that joy and entertainment; it's because we've grown to see Ryan as someone very much like us, and his passing hits that much harder. Empathy is never weird.

It's funny that needs saying. Thank you for doing so.

And thanks to everyone who read, and commented. Even if I'm not terribly active, I'm always here, and I'm hella proud to be a small part of this community. Ryan's legacy is in part what an awesome place this is and what awesome people fill it.

Goddamn that last line... Tears.

This might be my favorite fan eulogy. So very well said.

Jesus, this was brilliant and amazing. Thank you so, so much.

@tidel: Thank you so much for writing this up. You hit the nail on the head with every feeling that I've had since Monday morning. In a morbid way it feels good to know I'm not the only one who feels the same damn way.

i mentioned this in my latest blog, it's too moving

@tidel:

Really well said duder. Kinda knew all that but the reasons you wrote about for this hitting all us users so hard just nailed it. One more piece that helps make sense out of this really sad and confusing time. This part especially:

"But Giant Bomb isn’t just about games or gamers; it’s about these gamers. It is a cult of personality, in a way, and there is something almost prurient about the interest we have in their lives. And the thing of it is, they share their lives with us, willingly – we aren’t peeping. We’re invited. So if this is weird it’s your fucking fault, Ryan, because you let me, us, everyone, in. I didn’t realize how much of a privilege it has been."

Thank you for that. This community never ceases to amaze.

This post man.

I have to stop reading this stuff while i'm at work, got to keep myself together so hard everytime.

@tidel:

3 months on, heh, wanted to go digging,

It's crazy to think, but this one event has been one of the biggest influences of change in my life,

I've quit my job to go study next year, I've done a 3 week adventure course to find out how i deal with challenges and work on self improvement, i've lost 10kg's, I'm so much better in social interactions, and even before ryans death I wasn't a social outcast or anything, I had a great group of friends, and I could talk to anybody with no problem but now, i don't know, something about knowing how short life can be and something to do with how that guy lived and just had an appreciation for the stupid has allowed me to just be comfortable as myself no judgments, no shame,

for fuck sake i'm going to dress up as kylie minogue at this weeks Halloween party my friends are throwing.

I wore these fucking things for my birthday that my chick mates gave me for a birthday gift.,.

I dunno, just felt the need to reply to you, this thread man, on that horrid day, this thread was the start of something better,

Cheers man,

Very touching. I remember reading a lot of tributes when the whole thing was happening, but this one slipped through. As soon as I saw the "It's Tuesday" header I immediately got a little misty eyed. It still feels like he's going to show back up any day now, as if to come back from a prolonged vacation. I still miss you Nacho Boss.