This whole week has been one of torn feelings and mixed emotions. On Monday, much like everyone here, I found out about Ryan's passing. Unfortunately that wasn't the only piece of bad news to be received on that day. A few hours prior to me finding out about Ryan there had been two calls already. One to inform my girlfriend that her cousin had passed away over the weekend (in his sleep, like Ryan). The other was a call from my mom, letting me know that a close friend of the family (whom we had unfortunately lost touch with) had been diagnosed with an advanced stage of cancer and that he is likely to pass in the next few weeks.
Now, while it certainly wasn't easy having all that come our way in a single day, there is one thing that has me torn the most. We all know that Ryan wasn't exactly a poster-child for healthy living--far from it. So in that regard--and paired with his sleep apnea--it wasn't a huge surprise that his body would eventually give out. Obviously I am not saying that it wasn't a shock or that I wasn't devestated by the news, but even so, people on here had expressed their concerns regarding Ryan's health several times in the past already.
My girlfriend's cousin, however, was the complete opposite of Ryan. I had never personally met him, but from the stories told I knew that he was a healthy, fit young man. He had never smoked a cigarette in his life, never did any real heavy drinking, did his very best to stay in shape (he was part of the red barrets in the Dutch millitary), and generally lived a healthy lifestyle. And yet it made no difference because he, too, passed away in his mid thirties (36 to be exact).
So we have to people at opposite ends of the spectrum, yet both died at far too young an age. And honestly, it made me doubt everything. On the one hand I don't want to let myself go and become grossly overweight and unfit, but on the other hand it seems like staying in shape won't make a damn bit of difference either.
When I found out about Ryan, my first instinct was to completely turn my life around and live nothing but a completely healthy lifestyle. Now I should point out that I am not living a unhealthy lifestyle. Sure, I go overboard sometimes and according to my BMI I am still slightly overweight, but I do work out a couple times a week and generally I eat healthy. But still, when I found out about Ryan, I immediately wanted to start going the extra mile and live super healthy.
But then I think about my girlfriend's cousin, who did just that, who was super healthy and fit. He died. The healthy lifestyle made no difference for him. So who's to say it will make a difference for me? What difference does it make whether I take up smoking two packs a day or never smoke a single cigarette? Or if I stuff my face with nothing but red meat or vegetables? I mean, we're just going to die whenever either way.
I seriously don't get any of it anymore. Are we really all just numbers in a giant, spinning, ball, and when yours gets pulled, it's over? Does anything we do really matter? I honestly don't know anymore.