#1 Edited by A_E_Martin (159 posts) -

Oh boy, where do I start?

I've been pacing the room for about fifteen minutes now, trying to decide whether I should write this or not. I don't even know why I'm posting this here. I suppose it's mainly because I feel the need to unload all this somehow, and I just don't have anyone to talk to about it. I'm not sure how coherent this'll turn out to be, or how much anything anyone might possibly write in response will actually help me, and I already feel like I'm embarrassing myself, but since I already started, I'm just gonna keep going regardless.

Just to be clear, I have no intentions of harming myself or anything of that nature, so this is not that kind of post.

I'm guessing everyone here knows what I mean by an existential crisis, so the situation I'm about to describe to you will probably seem familiar. I've done some of the reading (The Last Messiah) almost everyone most likely does when they find themselves in these circumstances. So yes, I know I'm not alone in feeling what I feel. But knowing that I'm not unique, in this sense at least, is not helping. In fact, it's making it all even worse, for whatever reason.

So, everything I thought I knew about myself and the world has been shattered. No, there hasn't occurred any singular, life-disturbing event in my life that would have caused this. I guess it's all just been building up for a while, and now, through a combination of things, it's all clicked into place inside my brain and everything that was keeping me together has come crashing down.

I turned 24 about a month ago. I live at home (partly by choice, partly because renting a place here in Finland is getting ridiculously expensive). I'm studying English at university. I have plenty of acquaintances, but no close friends, or I guess no one I'd even call a friend. I lost the last of them in high school, when we turned 18 and all they were interested in doing any more was going out and getting drunk (I don't drink).

I guess I'd call myself an introvert, and I enjoy solitude, most of the time. But I'm by no means anti-social, and I like people. I've met plenty of new people through university and I've actively sought out opportunities to make new friends, but somehow I always end up with people whose sole purpose in life seems to be to get as much drink down their throats as they can possibly manage. My choice of not drinking is always met with puzzlement, and I always end up being the outsider. I just can't seem to find people who share my interests, people who think the same way I do, people who feel what I feel. It makes me feel frustrated and alone.

I was born in England. My father is British and my mother Finnish. I've lived in Finland for most of my life, but I've never felt completely at home here. Up until some years ago I always thought of England as my real home, but then something changed. I have no idea what did it, but, despite having roots and family in two countries, I've been left feeling like I don't belong anywhere. It definitely has nothing to do with my home life, since I've always got on well with my parents; they've given me all the support in everything I could have asked for and more, they've never had unrealistic expectations of me or pushed me to do anything I didn't want to. Yet I don't know if it's because of me or them that, in this situation I find myself in now, I feel I don't want to discuss my problems with them. Ironic isn't it that, for some dumb reason, the people who would most definitely want to comfort me are the one's I definitely don't feel like I want to be comforted by?

I'm in my second year of studying English at university. I've always been good with languages and writing (begin bilingual definitely helps with all that), but now I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting time doing something I don't really want to do. I enjoy the creative side of it, which I'm good at, but I'm having trouble internalising all the language theory we're required to know, and I've been failing my exams.

What I originally wanted to study was filmmaking, but Finland really isn't the country for that. Jobs in the industry are scarce here. Even if I continue to pursue creative uses of writing, the job situation on that front is just as bad. What I'm left feeling is that following my dreams will lead me nowhere.

All of the above combined is what I'd call one half of what caused this little existential breakdown of mine. Each of the things I mentioned above has usually turned up individually to weigh down on me every now and again, but I've always managed to fight them off.

Here's the other half, the thing that destroyed me.

Movies are what feed my emotions, where I find food for philosophical thought, where I search for meaning.

In January, I saw a Swedish film called Vi är bäst! (We are the Best!). It's about three teenage girls who start a punk rock band. It's a realistic, unpretentious take on genuine friendship, on growing up, on life. It's quite frankly an adorable film and a lot of fun. It made me laugh, it made me tear up, it had everything I could ask of a great film.

When I got home after the film, I was feeling down. I couldn't figure out why. It lasted for a week or so, then went away.

I watched the film again a week ago. What followed was what felt like my soul caving in on itself. I felt afraid. I felt jealous. I felt angry.

I started to fear that I'd never get to experience the kind of genuine friendship the girls share in the film. Maybe I've already missed my chance. Maybe I'm too old for it. My childhood is gone. Did I even have true friends when I was younger? Maybe my childhood wasn't as good as I always thought it was.

I felt jealous of their relationship in the film. But why am I jealous of teenage girls? I'm a boy. Boys don't have the kinds of relationships that girls have with each other. I've never thought of myself as being straight or gay or bisexual or whatever. I've never felt gender should restrict me from loving someone. But still, what does my jealousy of them mean in view of my being male? What am I? Who am I? I can't recognise myself any more.

I felt angry at myself. It's my fault that I don't have anyone. I felt angry at... whatever is out there. Why am I surrounded by people, but I can't find that one person? I just want one person whom I can understand and who understands me. But how can anyone understand me if I don't understand myself?

Everything that I was became unravelled, undone.

My present, my future, my past. I'm questioning all of it.

If you've made it this far, I applaud you. I feel like a fool. Now, the good thing is that I can still enjoy games and movies and everything else just as much as before. But the moment my mind stops being occupied by some distraction, I feel like I could burst into tears.

I never used to be one to call attention to myself, and I don't know why I'm doing so now. I still don't know why I had to write this, or why I'm posting it here, or what I expect it to accomplish, if anything. I don't know who I am, what I am or what I'm supposed to do. I feel alone.

If you read all of the above, thank you. I hope you don't feel like I wasted your time. If you gained nothing else from this, at least you got a tip for a great movie. I'll leave the trailer for it below. It's well worth watching if you get the chance, even if you don't particularly care for punk rock music (which I don't so much). I hope it doesn't destroy you like it did me (unless all this turns out to be a good thing, in which case I hope it destroys you too!).

Too long, didn't read? Good for you. I (whatever "I" means) probably wouldn't have either.

#2 Posted by believer258 (11665 posts) -

First things first: If you don't like being an English major now, then stop being an English major. It's a great major when you love it and a painful major when you don't. I won't elaborate, but I love the creative side of English and wish I had gone for a different major now.

Secondly, well, I've been feeling a lot of the same ways as you lately. I'm a commuter student to my college so I don't really know who many people are, and most of my high school friends moved out. I might drink a glass of wine occasionally when I've got my own house and a secure job, but for the moment I'm not going to drink any alcohol, and that seems to cut out a lot of social occasions ("you don't want to look like an idiot for a night and then wake up with a bad headache the next morning? What's wrong with you?"). I don't know if I want to call it an existential crisis, though. It's more like one where I've looked at my life and realized that I'm not at all where I want to be, and I'm not sure how I could ever go about getting to where I want to be. To be honest, I'm not sure what "where I want to be" is, exactly.

I don't know what to say about not fitting into a home, though. I'm a fairly liberal agnostic stuck in a Christian household and almost finished at a Catholic college (side note: I was a Christian until last year, when questions plaguing my mind caused me to simply stop believing). Still, my parents grew up here, their parents grew up here, and my great-grandparents grew up here too. I don't really feel at home, but I can't say that anywhere else might feel like home either, and I can't know if I'll miss this place when I move out either.

So, in short, I'm in a similar position but I can't put it into words. I can suggest that you look into majoring in film, and if you have to move out of country then, well, do that. It might be worth trying. It seems like both of us need a huge trip out of our comfort zones for a bit of perspective anyway. Personally, I'm too close to finishing college to give up, so I've gotta tough it out for a few months.

#3 Posted by Scrawnto (2434 posts) -

I went through a crisis that was similar in some respects about a year ago. (I'm also a quarter Finnish, as it happens.) I realized that while I'd always had someone I considered my best friend growing up, I was probably never that person's best friend. I didn't really have anything like a confidant in college. I was very disconnected from my peers. I also never went to my parents with any of my issues. My mom worked night shift when I was a kid, and my dad lived hundreds of miles away, so I was just used to handling all of my trials and tribulations on my own. It just never occurred to me that I could call my dad and talk things over with him.

It's taken me a lot of conscious effort to start to open up to other people. It's not like I was ever actually shy about it if asked. I just didn't want to burden anyone with what I thought of as "my dumb bullshit." It wasn't until this past year that I started talking to my dad about my social anxiety and all that.

Still, it has helped. I have a closer relationship with my father now, even though I live even farther away and see him even less. I also went on a date for the first time a couple months ago, and am starting to build up something like a normal social life. I'm a year older than you, so it's certainly not too late.

#4 Edited by Brodehouse (9606 posts) -

Forgive me for being reductive, but is your existential crisis that you aren't interested in people? The day I realized that I'm not interested in people but ideas was like a breakthrough. It always greatly bothered me that other people saw others, liked others, had a good time with others, enjoyed hearing things from others. I never did. I liked other people when they talked about things I was interested in. When I realized that I'm not interested in people in the personal sense (I'm interested in the abstract sense), it made things a lot clearer for me.

Now, the good thing is that I can still enjoy games and movies and everything else just as much as before. But the moment my mind stops being occupied by some distraction, I feel like I could burst into tears.

When my mind stops being occupied by some distraction, it focuses on all of my various and extensive failures, all of the responsibilities and work I have to perform in order to continue, and my seeming inability to do anything about them. But I tend to be very self-critical.

Even if you aren't considering it, can I be a bit rude and put it out there that whatever your existential problem is religions are not the answer. That's a dark road full of superstition and nonsense.

#5 Posted by AlexanderSheen (4930 posts) -

It's really weird reading this and realizing most of what you said about yourself is true about me too (specifically the feeling of being an outsider) but at the same time I have different feelings about life. I'm in the same boat, feeling like I'm alone even though there are people around me, seeing them having different priorities in life (which could be considered normal, for example: you have to put booze in ya to have a good time) and thinking: "I don't want to be like them." In a way, I think I'm looking down on them and with that, I'm the one who puts the wall between me and others.

But that's okay. Right now, I'm not in a state where I urgently need a friend or someone who understand me to be happy. Of course it would be nice to have someone like that but at the same time I'm fine with the way I am now.

Sorry, I've been going on and on about myself without giving you an advice, which I don't think I have.

#6 Edited by Seppli (10251 posts) -

I guess I'd specify myself as an existential defeatist, so while I can't offer you any help in regards to *getting better*, not being all that much of anything isn't all that bad, I can attest to that. Winning at life is rather bothersome. So many forms to fill and boxes to check off. Don't even get me started on relationships. Who has the time?

And no matter where you go, there's always easy girls and/or ladies of the night for a quick fix in the closeness department. At least if you are open to such, and can handle the fleeting nature of the opportunity.

P.S. Did you ever try to connect with the Earth? It's something I do from time to time. Just shifiting my feet, feeling the gravity. How close I truely am to Earth. Basking in the familiarity, and what has to be love. Being with my celestial mother. Sounds cheesy? But feels great! Dunno if you'd enjoy such a thing. Loads of shrooms opend me up to enjoying things as such.

P.P.S. You are aware of the opportunities of Alchemy? To stand beside yourself and experience perspectives and emotions you may not have known before? I don't recommend it as a lifestyle, but taking a gander at what you could be, or could feel like, can be invaluable. Like I once got my brain to sing. I had an orchestra living up there for an hour or two. With some rudimentary control. Gave me a glimpse of genius. Them fuckers! So jelly. One day I'll have my cranium visualize in pristine technicolor. That'd be baller.

#7 Posted by indieslaw (333 posts) -

Everyone has these moments. The triggers may differ, as might the expression of the crisis, but everyone evaluates the calculus of their lives from time to time. And then they panic.

I'm not saying this to diminish what you're going through, but instead to reassure you that its normal and okay to feel this way, and you'll probably figure out what you need to figure out from this before too long.

Maybe you'll discover that the urge to have more intimate relationships ("understanding") stays with you after this moment of crisis. If so, it is in no way too late to pursue that. And having it later in life doesn't diminish it in any way. And, lastly, age 24 is in no way considered "later in life", so please excuse my phrasing.

Good luck with everything.

#8 Edited by A_E_Martin (159 posts) -

Thanks to all of you for your responses. You've all given me food for thought, at the least.

I was going to reply to each of you individually in this post, but it's late here, and I'm feeling rather wrung out, so I'll leave my responses till tomorrow, when I can hopefully come out with something that's more likely to make sense.

#9 Posted by TheHBK (5464 posts) -

You need to watch more wrestling.

#10 Posted by Brodehouse (9606 posts) -

@thehbk said:

You need to watch more wrestling.

Better listen to him, Flounder, he's in pre-med.

#11 Posted by Jimbo (9775 posts) -

You are lacking direction (at least a direction you have chosen and care about yourself) and need to fundamentally reconsider the whole idea of 'chasing your dreams'. You are viewing it strictly in terms of 'catching' those dreams equating to success and anything less being a failure and a waste of time, and viewing it in such stark binary terms means you have effectively defeated yourself before you've even begun. What you will come to appreciate as you get older is that this is a bullshit attitude, and that the chasing of those dreams has worth in and of itself regardless of whether you end up achieving them or not. It doesn't matter if you go for it and fall short; there's beauty in the struggle regardless. And you aren't going to disappoint anyone who matters if you try but fail, but you will constantly disappoint yourself if you never try.

Somebody picking up an instrument or a paintbrush for the first time at 50 is unlikely to 'make it', but does that mean they are wasting their time? Of course not. It's a noble thing to pursue talent just for its own sake. If you are passionate about filmmaking then you should throw yourself into it, whether it's a course or just as a hobby. I suspect what you will find is that throwing your energy into something creative like that which you are passionate about will lead to you liking yourself better, which will naturally lead to others liking you better. It'll also bring you into contact with people who will have a similar mindset as you.

If you have British citizenship or whatever then look into the possibility of a filmmaking course in the UK. You'll still have to put up with the drinking bullshit, but you'll meet stacks of people at uni and you'll find plenty of the slightly older students will have a similar attitude to yours about it.

#12 Edited by Jimbo (9775 posts) -

@brodehouse said:

@thehbk said:

You need to watch more wrestling.

Better listen to him, Flounder, he's in pre-med.

Ha, I was going to suggest he start drinking heavily but decided it might not be very appropriate.

#13 Edited by noizy (656 posts) -

I read through most of what you wrote in diagonal (déformation professionnelle), but I think I got the gist of it.

Friendships come and go. I think you're still young enough to bond with people until everyone starts getting married with children; you'll feel real lonely then. I think if you are interested in hanging out with people who aren't only in partying, you'll have to invest in those relationship more than the kind of people who are into partying. Partying is a group thing, and the barrier to entry in those circles is lower. It's a bit like only dating the girls who hit on you when you're both drunk; there's little investment there. I've had many friends partying when I was younger, and I'm not going to dismiss these relationships, but I've kept stronger bonds with friends from school or people I've lived with.

I think being in school in a career that has questionable prospects is scary. I know first hand. I studied in the humanities and am now an analyst in the technology industry; I managed to leverage some skills I acquired on my own over the years playing with my gadgets and just my general interest in technology. Education and careers are a strange thing. What you learn in school and the typical jobs people think they will seek once they leave school and where they actually end up five years later don't always match up. Business is a lot about people, and if you're not a total scumbag, have a good work ethic, and have a head on your shoulder, a path will lead you somewhere. The job market will also change the dynamics of your existence.

It's probably still winter in Finland. Don't despair. A little student exchange perhaps?

#14 Edited by Aetheldod (3514 posts) -

Well you sound similar to me ... bt have this in mind im 31 and still try to not give up :/ you can do it duder!!!! Also maybe think about filmaking but not in the traditional sense ... by this I mean look at youtube , yes I know it may be fleeting but that may be a key to get work done and payed for it than rather claw through an system that disdains new commers as is film industry. I think about that all the time too , just a bit afraid to make the jump -_- also a lot of life has happened and truncated my poorly made plans as is. I also feel envy of a lot of people , my cousins who has a band (that I wish I could) , my brother who has a wifw and a company of his own , and what do I have? Just a bunch of undone dreams and desires and now a lot of fucking debt that curiously wasnt of my own doing but circumstances have made it so.

You are far better than me duder , so if I still fight on you can too :D never give up. (not to diminish your sorrows dude)

Also I feel like an outsider in my country , but if you knew how bullocks is Mexico in terms of ethnicity and where it comes from... :/

#15 Posted by Skyrider (332 posts) -

24 ain't too old to make new and true friends. I'm 25 and have only known my best friend for just over a year now. I've had close friends before, but not something that really meant a lot to me like this friendship (granted, it didn't help that those guys lived in Germany and were only temporarily in Canada). But yeah, it's not too late. The closest friends that I've ever had were ones I met outside of school, when I assumed that I'd probably only have a chance to make friends while in school.

#16 Edited by Devil240Z (3272 posts) -

I'll just say this. We(or at the very least the few of us worthy of this statement) are here for you.

Ive gone though similar feelings. Shit I was just not ten minuets ago researching how to join a motorcycle club cause I feel like I don't really have a place in this world or people to make it worth living in. Ive been thinking alot of the same shit as you, Ive got no real friends anymore, but this isn't the first time ive felt this and I know it gets better, you just have to give it time. I'm 25, Unemployed, no friends, no career path, no prospects of any kind. I have plenty of reasons to feel completely hopeless, but Ive got enough hope to carry on for now.

#17 Edited by Jeust (10480 posts) -

@a_e_martin:

I just want one person whom I can understand and who understands me. But how can anyone understand me if I don't understand myself?

Personally I hope for the same thing, and I believe people in general have that hope in them too. I am increadibly happy when I get to really connect with someone else, that is when we comunicate and the message is perfectly understood between us two, not only in what is said objectively, but also in the silent body language. But realistically everyone is his own special flake. So it is increadibly rare, bordering on impossible to really understand someone else completely. Even because to know someone else completely we have also to know ourselves completely, as our feelings comes always to play in empathy, as we understand others by comparing with ourselves and our accepted truths.

Everything that I was became unravelled, undone.

I also know this feeling, and I say that while it is horryfying, it is just a phase in the grand scheme of personal evolution. Like it is said brilliantly in the first Thor movie:

Thor: You know, I had it all backwards. I had it all wrong.

Erik Selvig: It's not a bad thing finding out that you don't have all the answers. You start asking the right questions.

Thor: For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

Erik Selvig: Anyone who's ever going to find his way in this world, has to start by admitting he doesn't know...

Now that you feel unravelled, let the shock settle in, until you become used to it, accept it, and then start looking for the right questions, and try to be corageous enough to ask them, and use the answers to grow.

Edit:

And I read the Wikipedia entry of The Last Messiah, and although I have to study it more in depth, I agree with the main idea that we are experiments by nature, and as experiments, we are naturally different, and we aren't sure to succeed. But as we are physically and psicologically hardwired to look for pleasure, and move away from suffering, we have to do everything we can to survive in the terms we see fit for ourselves.

I have a more spiritual view on the subject, that is well embodied also in a quote, this time from the Heroes show:

When evolution selects its agents, it does so at a cost, makes demands in exchange for singularity and you may be asked to do something against your very nature. Suddenly the change in your life that should have been wonderful comes as a betrayal. It may seem cruel, but the goal is nothing short of self-preservation, survival.

Life endures by pure experimentation, and wether we like it or not consciously, we are the experiment, and we want to survive and be happy. But happiness can have a high cost, and we have to decide if we want the chance to grab it, or settle for something lesser, and less satysfying.

#18 Edited by TowerSixteen (542 posts) -

Hey, I'm not a psychologist. But, while the thoughts may be different, I recognize the feelings, and I think you might be talking about clinical depression. I'm not qualified to diagnose that, but...

Seriously, go to your primary. Tell them whats up, and they may give you something that may help. Then make an appointment with a therapist and a psychiatrist. If you can, before anything else, talk to your family and tell them you're afraid you may be depressed, and have them help you.

Not being satisfied with your life, with your situation? Normal. A choking cloud of negative emotions, sapping your will and energy that you could use to change it, combined with a haunting voice whenever you're not distracted that always tells you things can never get be as you wish they could and whispering that that's your fault? That's not normal, and it doesn't have to be that way. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. I speak from experience.

Seriously, please consider this. Things can get better.

#19 Edited by audioBusting (1477 posts) -

Yeah man, we all feel existentially alone sometimes. Even our parents and people who seem to be popular feel that way at some point, probably. I have nothing to offer but to reiterate that you're not alone in that, at least.

And maybe I'll also reiterate that our university majors are pretty unlikely in mapping out what happens in our future/career, a lot of times opportunities we didn't even know existed will come up later. Don't feel trapped about it, just study whatever you think is useful.

#20 Edited by Jeust (10480 posts) -

@aetheldod said:

Well you sound similar to me ... bt have this in mind im 31 and still try to not give up :/ you can do it duder!!!! Also maybe think about filmaking but not in the traditional sense ... by this I mean look at youtube , yes I know it may be fleeting but that may be a key to get work done and payed for it than rather claw through an system that disdains new commers as is film industry. I think about that all the time too , just a bit afraid to make the jump -_- also a lot of life has happened and truncated my poorly made plans as is. I also feel envy of a lot of people , my cousins who has a band (that I wish I could) , my brother who has a wifw and a company of his own , and what do I have? Just a bunch of undone dreams and desires and now a lot of fucking debt that curiously wasnt of my own doing but circumstances have made it so.

You are far better than me duder , so if I still fight on you can too :D never give up. (not to diminish your sorrows dude)

Also I feel like an outsider in my country , but if you knew how bullocks is Mexico in terms of ethnicity and where it comes from... :/

@devil240z said:

I'll just say this. We(or at the very least the few of us worthy of this statement) are here for you.

Ive gone though similar feelings. Shit I was just not ten minuets ago researching how to join a motorcycle club cause I feel like I don't really have a place in this world or people to make it worth living in. Ive been thinking alot of the same shit as you, Ive got no real friends anymore, but this isn't the first time ive felt this and I know it gets better, you just have to give it time. I'm 25, Unemployed, no friends, no career path, no prospects of any kind. I have plenty of reasons to feel completely hopeless, but Ive got enough hope to carry on for now.

Life can feel like a dead end. But are you sure there isn't a door with a crooked lock almost undistinguishable in darkest part of the alley?

Don't give up on your dreams, they are the purest and most unique part of you. The one that overshadows conformity and gives your life a personal meaning. Fight for your right to live and dream.

But it is hard, like the poet May Sarton said:

One must think like a hero to behave like a merely decent human being.

What is decent for you?

#21 Edited by A_E_Martin (159 posts) -

Thanks again to all for your replies.

@believer258 I've been looking into switching to studying something else, but it looks like it'll be a while before I might be able to actually do so. This is the one thing I've actually been comfortable with discussing with my parents, and they've been able to help me with it somewhat. So I haven't fallen into complete despair on that front. And yeah, I'm not sure any more where I want to be, either. Or whether what I think I want is what I actually want, or whether I have the right to want anything in the first place. Also, not fitting into a home doesn't feel like the right way to put it in my case. It's more like this split between two countries and two languages in my brain has somehow messed up my sense of belonging. Moving out of the country just isn't financially viable at the moment. Anyway, good luck with finishing college, and I hope it won't be too long before you find yourself where you want to be!

@scrawnto I've also always felt that my problems weren't really worth mentioning to my family when compared to the things they've been going through. After everything they've done for me, and continue to do, I just couldn't ask any more of them. I still feel that way now. I'm also shy in the sense that I don't like to blab about myself, I guess because I have some automatic assumption that people aren't interested in what I have to say.

@brodehouse I've been thinking about that, but I don't think that's it. I like people, I sympathise with people, I like talking with people, even about things that I might not be particularly interested in. Though maybe there is something to what you're saying. For example, in the film I was talking about, there are types of people and relationships that seem appealing to me, but now I'm beginning to wonder whether they even could be real, or if I've just created ideals in my head that aren't even realistic or attainable. Anyhow, rude or not, religion hasn't entered into my current thinking.

@alexandersheen No reason to be sorry, I very much appreciate your contribution. Sometimes it's hard not to look down on or judge people, though I always try my best not to, especially since I think I know how it feels to be judged by others.

@seppli I've also had the same thoughts about relationships; they seem to be more trouble than they're worth. But what I'm looking for is not romantic or sexual. Just a kindred spirit to exchange ideas and thoughts with, someone to comfort and be comforted by when the need arises. And as wonderful as it sounds, mind-altering substances don't seem like a solution to me.

@indieslaw Thank you. (Don't take the shortness of my response to you to mean that I don't appreciate what you said; I very much do. I just can't think of anything to add in reply right now.)

@thehbk I do watch wrestling from time to time, and I enjoy it. So nothing to worry about on that front!

@devil240z Thank you for that sentiment. I hope you find your place, and that things turn for the better for you soon.

@jeust Thank you. I have plenty of questions, that's for certain.

@towersixteen Depression runs in my family, and I've seen what it does to people. But I don't think that's what I'm going through right now. Anyhow, I know of a place where young people who find themselves feeling the way I do can go and talk to mental health professionals about whatever comes to mind, free of charge and without an appointment. But I find myself thinking, however professional these people might be, why would they care about me? They don't know me, they know nothing about me. Since I feel that there's no way they can really care about what's going on with me, how could anything they have to say really help me? When writing my original post, I was also thinking, why bother? Why would anyone on this forum care about what's happening with me? Why should I expect anyone here to care? Nevertheless, thank you for your concern and advice.

To @jimbo , @noizy , @aetheldod , @skyrider and @audiobusting , I think you've all in some ways touched upon what's distressing me the most right now:

Firstly, I'm lacking a creative outlet. As I said, movies feed my emotions, give me food for thought. They're what inspire me the most. Now, instead of being channelled into something creative, all the energy and inspiration they give me is manifesting itself as frustration, confusion and sorrow.

Secondly, and this is the big one, since I have no one to talk to about the things I really care about, I lack a way to properly parse and straighten out all the ideas and questions that are awakened in me by the things that inspire me.

Like the film I mentioned in my original post. Somehow, that film has managed to strike all the right chords within me, and all the questions and insecurities I have about myself, that have been floating around in my subconscious I guess, have been brought to the fore, and I have no way to process it all.

The same goes for games and all the other things I care about. Since I don't have a way to truly share what it all means to me, it all just builds up in my brain, like stacks of unopened mail, until there just isn't room for more. And this film was just too much to handle on top of everything else. And that's what brought it all on.

#22 Posted by believer258 (11665 posts) -

@a_e_martin: Letting it all out probably helps a lot.

Since you've expressed such a great interest in films and, being on Giantbomb, you must have some interest in games, why not start a blog? You can post it on here or start your own little blog post somewhere. Do it for yourself, though - don't do it hoping to get a bunch of views. For me, getting my thoughts on paper about anything, from personal issues to thoughts on video games, just helps to clear my mind when it feels overstuffed and I don't really know what to do. It has especially helped in the last few months. I still have some thoughts on Metro Last Light and Far Cry 3 Blood Dragon that I never posted, I just wrote down in Word. It's probably been too long to post them, but I've found myself pretty confident in my opinions and thoughts on those games now that I've put thought and effort into establishing something.

#23 Posted by HerbieBug (4212 posts) -

I can't comment on social stuff but I do know a thing or two about mental illness. Now, I'm not suggesting you are mentally ill. Not at all. A lot of this is normal for people in your age group to go through. However, just to be safe, you may want to do a little read up on the signs and symptoms of depression. Maybe take one of those simple online depression screening tests, see if there's smoke, whether you should maybe think about asking a doctor if there is fire. And if there is, talk to doctor about options for treating it, be that just basic diet and lifestyle adjustments, more exercise, perhaps speaking with a therapist, perhaps discussing whether medication might be helpful for you.