OR: I play new games that look like old games to the point where it's a bit unsettling how old the new game looks.

Hey guys. Remember that one time I was like “CRPGs are pretty good maaaannnn” at which point I probably told you about Icewind Dale or Planescape or whatever? Well this is the part where I do the opposite and tell you that CRPGs can be bad as well. Because it's true! Rarely do my blogs ever skew towards the negative. This is mostly because if I'm playing something bad, I feel no ill-conceived obligation to continue playing it. I'm not being paid to do this, I'm doing this because I enjoy it, so it takes a particular kind of bad game to catch my interest enough to write about it instead of just make snide allusions from time to time or perhaps post this video for the 50 time. Because I still find that video hilarious and love that it is just randomly included as an extra on GOG. (Speaking of GOG, they're doing their annual survey and if you fill it out you get Realms of Arkania 1+2 for free. While both of those games seem like crusty relics, I bet they'd be pretty decent if enough time was invested therein. You know. Cuz German D&D. If you're too lazy, I could probably just gift you the copy I will theoretically obtain, but considering how hard it was to sell people on a game I know is good (Age of Wonders) or a game that I'm pretty sure is good (Vampire the Masquerade), we will have to see. Oh right. That vampire game. Still in my steam library, BTW.

Inquisitor, or at least the first act of Inquisitor, (Should probably get out there that this is an impressions blog ) is that thing I like, done poorly. It's Deus Ex Invisible War, or maybe that bootleg 360 controller I got off ebay. Ok. That's a bit harsh. It lacks the sheer wide-scale ineptitude of Invisible War and it's not a barely-functional cheap piece of garbage like that controller. What it is, however, is mediocre in pretty much every aspect of its execution. But perhaps I should back up. Inquisitor is a CRPG developed by Czech people that was released 3 years ago in Czechland, and is only now coming to the west. Before that, however, it was apparently in development for 9 years. Which makes perfect sense because the game looks, sounds and feels like it should have come out in 2000 next to the likes of Icewind Dale, Diablo II and Baldur's Gate 2. Except it is none of those games. The closest comparison I could make is probably Divine Divinity, with its Diablo-esque elements (color coded loot) but more traditional RPG quest and environment structure. You play the role of a Priest, Paladin or Thief (actually a member of the nobility who has fallen on hard times, but he picks locks and shoots a bow, so he fits the mold) and wage holy war against the servants of Satan through dialogue and murder. Oh, and did I mention that you work for the Inquisition of a church that is totally not the Roman Catholic Church and thus do inquistor-type things like torture and burning people at the stake? Yep. You do. I find that particular aspect of the subject matter a bit disconcerting, considering that the real inquisition was a pretty awful thing and torture is also a pretty awful thing. But I guess it's ok because the people you are torturing and burning are actual devil-worshipers? Oh, did I mention that you HAVE to torture to progress the game and it isn't some moral choice or whatever?

Interestingly enough, the Inquisitor-y parts of the game that are actually the ones that show promise. You basically play the role of detective and go around asking the citizens of the town for information. It's not unlike Planescape or The Witcher, if Planescape or The Witcher had an occasionally wonky translation and most of the much vaunted 1.5 Million word script was because each citizen gave mostly redundant information and could be asked every single question you had available. So basically, it's the game of “Talk to everyone about everything until you can progress”, which is a game that I like... provided that the script is good. The script is decent, but it's not either of the aforementioned games, and there isn't quite enough talking to balance it out.

That leaves the other part of the game, namely the “killing things” part. And this is the part where Inquisitor seems to falter. The combat is bad, poorly balanced, and generally quite boring. You spend most of your time chipping away at enemies with far too much health while your party members drink your potions like they were water and eventually something dies. It's not Diablo, so you aren't getting sweet loot every 5 minutes (more like every 30 minutes), and there are most certainly wrong and right choices to be made when skills are concerned. The levitate spell seems almost crucial, as it allows you to float over lava and acid and whatnot without taking damage, but offensive magic seems to be a questionable investment unless you pump all of your points into intelligence and the various magic schools as to overcome enemy magic resistance (which in turn makes me think that playing the priest is not a great choice). Also, the first real dungeon that I encountered was 6 floors deep, and culmanated in an ultra-cheap boss fight where actual victory seems out of grasp... at least until I realized that you could summon djinn who are more than capable of wrecking everything. They're basically a nuke, and the only downside is that they don't follow you (which leads to me kiting enemies towards them) and you get no XP for their kills (negligible). Also expensive, but you get cash out the wazoo and all you're going to buy is potions anyways, or at least that's all I bought. Obviously, not a permanent solution, but an acceptable one considering the general mediocrity of the combat at hand. Without it, I imagine you're supposed to grind or something? That thought disgusts me a bit, actually.

I'm not going to tell you to not play Inquisitor. While I think that a lot of the praise it is getting on the internetsphere is mostly out of appreciation that a game like this came out in 2012 (along with the sheer desperation for something, anything to come out), I think there are aspects and ideas of it that have merit, for as much as that merit is buried under dubious mechanics and the part where you burn people at the stake. If you want a good example of how to make a game like this and have it come out in 2012, look at Spiderweb Software's catalog. I can personally vouch for Avernum: Escape from the Pit, and considering all of the games made by that studio (of 3 people) look the exact same, I bet the rest are similarly solid. Of course, even disregarding those there are dozens of games more cohesive and with far less baggage that came out a dozen years ago and probably have been patched and modded into pristine perfection. The conclusion to all of this that I totally broke the quest to promote my thief to a higher rank of nobility (each character class has their own quest like this with unique benefits for each one, something that I would most certainly miss if ignored) and thus cannot complete it, nor can I cheat my way through it since there isn't a list of console commands for me to do so, which is a further damper on me wanting to play anymore (I probably will because I hate myself, but I'd really rather play The Witcher 2 or even Might and Magic IX for heaven's sake) Just remember: this game was made in Eastern Europe. Also don't forget 9/11. Because if you do, the terrorists win.