One and a half years of actual, real magic.
By artelinarose 65 Comments
I've always been really open about it here but for those of you that may not recognize me, my name is Lina and I am a transgender woman! I've blogged about my progress before but not in about a year holy goodness has it really been so long
By transgender woman, I don't mean "male trying to be female" or "wants to be a girl" or "transitioning from male to female" or any of that junk. Very simply, I am a girl. A little different from what most might expect, but I am just a girl doing her best.
So, well... here we are. One year, six months of hormones on March 4 2015. That's only a day from now! Holy jeeze.
I'm.. not really sure what to say, honestly. I've always done my posts off the top of my head, a very spur-of-conscious-thought sort of style with very little proofreading or planning out so as I sit here thinking of what I want to say I find myself at a bit of a loss. This is kinda just how my life is now, I guess. After a year and a half it can be difficult to remember where I even started this whole thing at but I know I'm glad I'm not there anymore. I no longer want to die every day, I no longer hate myself or my body, I no longer stare at myself and think about all of the could-have-beens. The future is bright though still scary and intimidating.
I had a lot of hate in myself when I started. Hate for myself, hate for others, hate for just about everything... I was cynical, misanthropic and I don't know. It feels like the biggest mistake of my life was believing that I was cool for not liking other people. Hormones have helped me shelve all of that toxic shit and replace it with love and kindness, one of the better things I've ever done for myself. It's a lot easier without all of that testosterone running through my system making me go "grr!" 24/7.
Unfortunately it has made me lose a lot of my places where I once felt I belonged. I've lost a fair number of real life friends, a few internet ones, my job and a lot of my internet hangouts, Giantbomb being one of the major ones. I no longer feel welcome in many places and that has made me a bit shy when it comes to dealing with other people. The way I've been treated has caused me to regress socially in some ways and it's a real shame that I can't point to myself and say that it's my fault because it's really not. Please treat trans people with respect; we get a TON of shit from every other place in our life that your kindness is something we will cling to when we feel at our worst. It's sad but true. Also just treat everyone with respect, but especially marginalized groups!
I've found a safe haven in the whole social justice scene, though! I've found that a lot of the things that I had strong feelings about before transitioning actually have a name and other opinions behind them and I've sort of made it part of my mission in my life to educate others so they might hopefully work on their problematic behaviors and make this world a safer, happier place for all that inhabit it. This may turn a certain type of person away from being friends with me but A) empathy is not something I will ever be made to feel guilty about having and B) GOOD
Aside from that, the physical changes are... Well, uh.
Hormones are literally magic. I got real purdy, duders!
I've lost an inch in height, went down half a shoe size, my hands are smaller with slendererer fingers, my body has redistributed my fat more towards my chest and my thighs, I lost a LOT of muscle in my upper body, my skin is ridiculously soft now(like seriously woah), I'm almost unidentifiable from who I was before in the face area, I have C cup breasts... There's almost nothing about me that hasn't been affected by HRT and all of it RULES. Enough so that when my cisgender(cis for short, meaning somebody that identifies as what they were assigned at birth) come to me for emotional support my go to without even thinking is "have you tried transitioning" because it's fixed almost everything that I hated about myself. I still need to lose some weight but I really really cannot overstate how much this has done for my personal happiness. Just look at that smile!
As always, I will answer questions as I see fit if anybody has any about what I'm doing, what I've done or whatever! If you aren't comfortable asking them in the thread, feel free to PM me and I will do my best to get back to you! c:
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