Hello everybody. Now that E3 has lived up to its usual disappointments it's back to business as usual. This means summer vacation for most of you and work for those of us stuck in cubicles waiting for the world to end, hopefully after we blow our paychecks on booze and hookers. Either way, it's fucking hot outside right now, and you can only watch the World Cup for so long before you realize how pointless it is to believe anyone else besides Brazil will win it all.

Instead of braving the heat outside and possibly melting into a puddle of goo, stay in your air-conditioned home and watch some anime! There's plenty to be excited about! Ghost girls, giant robots, teenagers with swords, and just like E3, we herald the return/rehash of some beloved franchises to this season.

As always, the following previews are highly subjective should not be taken seriously, except when they should. If you want a longer, more "serious" version, there are plenty other blogs and sites around the net for that sort of thing.

Still here? Okay then, here we go.

ANIME! SUMMER 2014 SEASON! CAPSULE PREVIEWS!

Akame ga Kill! (July 7): Reading through the manga, I'm reminded of a creative writing workshop back in college where 2/3 of the stories I read early on had the villain establish himself by raping and/or murdering someone just because he could. Even if it's not heavily censored you probably still shouldn't watch it unless you can stomach a lot of gore and bad writing. At least it will be decently animated thanks to White Fox.

Aldnoah Zero (July 6): Humanity is at war with Mars and giant robots with high-schoolers are involved. Also it's set around the 70s so I choose to believe the robots are forced to disco battle each other.

Ao Haru Ride (July 8): A love story about a girl who tries to reinvent herself for two years so a boy will notice her, or a gender-swapped version of "She's Out of My League."

Bakumatsu Rock (July 2): The Shogun is using J-Pop Idols to brainwash the country! Are you a bad enough rock star to fight the Shogun? If there isn't a Gitaroo Man cameo involved then someone missed a golden opportunity.

Barakamon (July 6): A city boy who studies the art of calligraphy is forced to live in the country. Can he ink his way back onto the stage against the evil calligraphers who threaten the world, while remembering to rep where he came from?

Sailor Moon Crystal (July 5): After being rumored for so long, it's finally back! A re-imagining of the classic Sailor Moon cartoon, with a sidestory how Sailor Pluto accidentally wrote herself out of existence.

DRAMAtical Murder (July 7): based off a yaoi-themed visual novel about a guy forced into a digital fighting game called "Rhyme," and he must prove he's got the "Rhythm" to solve the mystery of the many people who have disappeared into the Rhyme. Featuring Busta Rhymes as the secret sub-boss.

Fate/kaleid S2 (July 10): Another season of that Fate franchise spinoff where Ilya and friends are little magical girls. A little too cutesy for my taste but you Type-Moon freaks out there will probably eat it up anyway.

Free! S2 (July 3): More FABULOUS! dudes showin' off their hot bods for all you anime-dudettes out there looking for equal-opportunity fanservice in their animes. Kyoto Animation is returning to produce this so it will be very well animated.

Locodol (July 4): 2 high-school idol girls spittin' their game in their small town with dreams of makin' it to the big city. Along the way they meet a city boy who studies calligraphy who encourages them to never give up on their dreams. Can they save the little brother from the thug life while keepin' it real?

Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun (July 7): One's a manga artist, the other's his assistant who is not so secretly in love with him! Now with 95% less sexual harassment than the other series with this tagline!

Glasslip (July 3): Six high-school students are forced to learn the ancient art of glassblowing so that the James Bond villain named Glasslip can finally have a perfectly clear lip worthy of his name! Can these students with their can-do attitude please him in time?

Hanayamata (July 8): A 14 year old girl is forced to learn a special dance or a fairy will EAT HER SOUL. Featuring music from that one black guy who sings enka for a living, performed by ?uestlove.

Jinsei (July 6): One boy who teams up with three girls to become the best damned newspaper advice columnist he can be in his high school. Featuring a guest appearance from the ghost of Michael Hastings.

Black Butler: Book of Circus (July 11): Something about a little rich demonic English boy and his handsome demonic butler. Only thing I remember about this franchise is that its creepy fans turned me off from local anime clubs forever.

Love Stage!! (July 10): One dude wants to make manga, the second dude wants the first to be an idoru. FABULOUSness ensues.

Majimoji Rurumo (July 9): He's a pervert in high school, she's a witch who fucked up big time by not replacing his soul with that of someone decent. They fight crime.

Minarai Diva (July 14): A comedy series about idols in training that will somehow be performed live? If reality shows are any guide, I'm looking forward to seeing one of the idols break down in tears while another one calls her rival a total bitch.

Momo Kyun Sword (July 9): Hey, you know what story Japan hasn't filled with little girls yet? The classic tale of Momotaro. Good thing this anime remedies that.

Nobunaga Concerto (July 12): A boy travels back in time to the Sengoku era, and after an incident that involves landing on Oda Nobunaga with his desk, he must take on the fearsome warlord's identity himself before he triggers a time paradox! Meanwhile his courtiers and handlers must use magic-desk technology to send him back to his own time.

Persona 4 Golden the Animation (July 11): An adaptation of the remake of the Persona 4 game. No word on if they get a bigger budget for this one, but apparently they're cynical enough to think we'll throw money at anything with the Persona 4 name on it, even this Purse-Owner 4 manpurse I bought at a mall kiosk on...I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Rail Wars! (July 04): Glorious Japan Railways! Fight against evil oppressive corporation that already won in the real world! If it helps, think of it as a prequel to Galaxy Express 999.

Re: Hamatora (July 8): Second season of the show about teen detectives with superpowers that go on adventures with talking hamsters. Or was it talking bacon? God I'm so hungry right now.

Rokujyouma no Shinryakusha?! (????) Dude shares his apartment with magical ghost girls who all want his dick for some reason.

Sabagebu! (July 6): Innocent Schoolgirl shanghai'd into joining her school's airsoft club...wait, didn't we already do this show, and it was kinda okay if unrealistic? Supposedly this one has more of a comedy focus though.

Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance (July 14): blah blah swords, blah blah schoolgirl, blah blah pervert is the hero when his mother should've spanked him years ago, I'm getting tired writing this description for anime, and that's a bad sign.

Sengoku Basara Judge End (July 6): Another season of the adaptation of the game featuring your favorite sengoku-era fighters.

Shirogane No Ishi Argevollen (July 3): Something Something Giant Robots. That's literally all I can find, so I'm going to make up a plot description: The evil Ruskians come through a wormhole with their golden alien ships, and the only thing that can stop them is a giant robot made of sterling silver and the heart of a loved one, protecting the freedom and liberty of its pilot, a Japanese-American boy who tries to find his father.

Shounen Hollywood -Holly Stage for 49- (July 5): Cool dudes forming a Hollywood style idol group, whatever that means. Is it the "wild crazy booze, drugs and sex parties" Hollywood or the "boring bean counters pushing out the same stuff they know you'll buy" Hollywood? How did Entourage-man solve this issue?

Space Dandy S2 (July 6): The only constant things are that there's a dude named Dandy who is obsessed with a Space!Hooters, a robot that speaks in autotune, a cat-like alien who is obsessed with social media, and that we pretend Shinichiro Watanabe does anything other than let his name get slapped on this mess. Beyond that it's essentially been a giant playground for various anime directors/animators/writers to show their craziest stuff and you will love every minute of it.

Sword Art Online S2 (July 5): Gary Stu becomes a girl in a game about guns and breaks the rules with his/her super Japanese katana duel-wielding skills to win everything while all the girls want his/her dick again because the entire show literally revolves around him. Fuck SAO and fuck you.

Tokyo ESP (July 12): Like Japanese X-Men, where glowing fish give superpowers to various people around the country. One girl and her policeman father must use their new powers for good, while others seek to eliminate the non-mutants. I love the manga but the recent track record of the studio (borderline porn with occasional boring stuff) gives me pause.

Tokyo Ghoul (July 4): A boy is turned into a man-eating monster, or what will happen when a mixture of lax regulations, pollution and nuclear radiation devestate Japan's fishing industry.

Zankyou no Terror (July 11): SPHINX runs a deadly game as two boys commit a heinous terrorist attack in Tokyo. I've heard good things about this show, especially since it's reuniting the directorial prowess of Shinichiro Watanabe with the based beats of Yoko Kanno, and when those two work together, good things usually happen.

OVAs/Movies to watch out for

• Hanamonogatari (Aug. 16): A 5-part chapter in the -monogatari franchise with ShaftxShinbo doing their thing. I don't even remember where this one fits in but you probably know whether or not it's worth your time by now. PS: Kizumonogatari will be paired with physical copies of Half-Life 3 at this rate.
• Ghost in the Shell: Arise Part III, "Ghost Tears" (June 28): The first two parts were entertaining, but a bit of a drop in quality compared to Stand Alone Complex. Still, you want your new GitS fix, you've come to the right place.
• Persona 3 The Movie, Part 2 (out now?): In case you didn't have enough Aigis in your other Persona anime adaptations.
• Lupin the III: Daisuke Jigen's Gravestone (June 27): Most recent Lupin films have been pretty crap, but this one's supposed to be from Koike and the crew behind Redline, so it might actually be good? Let's hope so!

This was a terrible blog, and I hope you learned some lessons. Let me know how right I am or what I missed in the comments.